


Don't Cry for Me

by LottieWarwick



Category: Glue (TV)
Genre: Jaleb, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 06:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 48
Words: 95,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2683178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieWarwick/pseuds/LottieWarwick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cal and James are enjoying a cuddle as Cal tries to decide if this the right time to share his plans with James.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Chapter One

“If I asked you anything in the world,” said Cal, “would you do it?”

They were cuddled together on James’ bed and had been for some time. James was supposed to be at work on the farm; Cal had hinted he was meant to be somewhere else too but the ‘five minutes’ they’d agreed to spend together was stretching into an hour, and still neither of them had mentioned moving.

James moved his head the couple of inches needed to allow his lips to touch Cal’s. “That would depend on what it was, love. I wouldn’t do anything if I thought it might hurt you. Or if it’s actually against the law or something…”

Cal rolled his eyes and impatience flashed across his face as he replied: “Who gives a fuck about the law?”

“I’d give a fuck if it meant they sent me to prison and I could never see you again.” Just for a moment, James allowed himself to imagine it. Actually, the prison part wouldn’t matter so much. It wouldn’t matter where he was if he couldn’t see Cal. A world without Cal would be a dark and lonely world and he didn’t want any part of it.

Cal was silent as he thought about this. The fingers playing with James’ hair (and occasionally pulling it gently when James said something he didn’t like) were still. “I wouldn’t like that either, James. I always want to be with you.”

His words filled James with emotion – many emotions. Love, primarily. Happiness, of course. But also fear and doubt because he still wasn’t sure if Cal meant it and even if he did mean it now, he might not feel that way forever. 

“What are you thinking?” asked Cal.

James looked up to see Cal’s eyes steadily fixed on his. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Everything about you matters to me,” said Cal. He closed his eyes in a moment of frustration. “But you don’t believe me, do you? After all this time, you still don’t believe me.”

“Of course I believe you.”

Cal shook his head sadly. “I’d do anything for you, James. Anything. I love you so much, I can hardly breathe sometimes when I look at you. When I lie in your arms, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. When you kiss me, I can believe everything might turn out all right one day; that one day I might feel happiness that lasts even when we’re apart.” His expression had lightened momentarily but now his face fell again, his eyes darting away from James as though he couldn’t look at him. “But you can’t see it. You don’t believe me. You don’t believe a word I’m saying to you and you never have.” He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. “I’ll be off, then. I’ve got things to do anyway.”

James sat up too and caught his arm. “I do believe you, Cal. I know you wouldn’t tell me you loved me unless you thought you meant it. But-”

Cal pulled his arm from James’ grasp and stood up, swinging round to face him. “Unless I thought I meant it? Fuck you. What, do you think I can’t tell what my own feelings are?”

James tried to take his hand but Cal snatched it away. “Cal, I’m sorry. I don’t want to doubt you. I wish I didn’t. You’ve never given me any reason to doubt you.”

“Then why do you do it?” Cal asked painfully. “Why do you doubt every single fucking thing I say?”

James couldn’t answer. Even without the lump in his throat, he couldn’t have found the words.

Cal’s whole face seemed to quiver but then it was still. “I’ve got to go,” he said. His voice was calm now; his face impassive.

“Cal-” James managed but Cal lifted up a hand, silencing him.

“Bye James.” And he was gone.

**  


They’d been so happy.

So happy, that Cal had decided soon after his arrival that he would give his appointment a miss tonight and stay with James. It was just a means of making money and that paled in comparison with spending time with the guy he loved. In his bed, in his arms, and perhaps even in his heart… the arms around him, holding him, caressing him; his gentle voice speaking, if not words of love, then words of deep affection. The feeling that nothing else mattered except James and eventually, everything would be all right.

And now it was over.

Their relationship wasn’t over, of course. Cal knew he’d go back. He always did, no matter how many times they argued. He loved James and hated to be away from him. 

Sometimes this was necessary, of course: Cal had other commitments and he’d always tried to be a bit enigmatic; not letting James get too close because he had so much to hide. But when the chance to spend some time in James’ arms was offered to him, even if it was only a few minutes, Cal couldn’t turn it down.

But the happy, stolen moment had come to a horrible end and now all Cal could do was go back to his real life. After his conversation with James, his job became even more important because it sounded like James didn’t love him enough to follow him to the ends of the earth, which was almost where Cal wanted to go. Even if he did love him, he didn’t trust him and that amounted to the same thing because in the end, it would tear James away from him, leaving Cal all alone in a world which had only ever hurt him.

You stupid fucking twat! Cal told himself as he dashed the tears from his eyes. You’ve dealt with worse than this. Much worse. And you can cope on your own. You don’t need him. You always managed without him till now and why should that be any different just because he’s held you in his arms and kissed you? Now man up and do your job. If you can’t rely on James, you need every penny you can earn.

When Cal arrived back at his caravan, he snorted some ketamine, careful to take just the right amount. If he took too much, it became very difficult for him to move, in which case he probably wouldn’t even get to his client’s house, never mind perform the activities required of him. But if he took too little, he would be able to feel the pain of what they did to him. 

He quite often did take too little because the amount he needed kept increasing as his body became used to the effects. When that happened, there was nothing he could do except grit his teeth through the pain and try to survive.

Often, he forgot everything that happened when he was high. That was another reason why he liked to take ketamine. He didn’t want to remember what he’d done; how they’d looked at him, desiring him but despising him at the same time; their nasty, sweaty hands all over his body; the way they took what they wanted and then told him to leave.

No matter how many times he did it, it never seemed to get easier.

By the time Cal arrived at the guy’s house, he felt almost as though he was floating through the air. Everything seemed a long way from him now. The body that went through the motions didn’t quite seem to be his; how could it be, anyway, when he could feel no pain? He could hear the pants and grunts of the man on top of him; he knew his arse had just been smacked because he’d heard it; he knew the man was thrusting in and out of his body with no thought for Cal, of either his pleasure or his pain. 

But he couldn’t feel it so it couldn’t really be him and that made it seem more okay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James hasn't seen Cal since the argument and Cal also has a lot on his mind.

Something was ringing, somewhere near his head. James put out a hand to push it away and the alarm clock fell off his bedside table with a crash. Swearing, James retrieved it and switched it off. For a few minutes, he tried to convince himself that he’d set the alarm incorrectly and he didn’t really need to get up at this hour but it was no good. He knew the farm routine better than anyone and the only thing he could do was get on with it.

James got out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom for a shower. The water helped to revive him a bit but now he was awake, he remembered the argument he’d had with Cal. That had been two days ago and he hadn’t seen him since. Cal had replied to most of James’ texts and even picked up the phone once or twice when he’d called but although he’d sounded fine and acted as though nothing had happened, he’d claimed he was far too busy to see James.

After a quick breakfast that mostly consisted of coffee, James left the house. His head was aching and all he wanted was to fall back into bed. He’d gone to bed quite early last night, as he always tried to when he was getting up at dawn the next day, but he’d been awake for much of the night, thinking of Cal. 

James missed him at every moment they weren’t together and it was always worse when Cal had absented himself for a few days. He missed Cal’s arms around him; the sound of his voice; the feeling of safety that always enveloped him whenever Cal was near.

James climbed into the tractor and patiently coaxed it into life. The tractor was old and James didn’t know how much longer it was going to hold out but there never seemed to be any money for a new one. Jackie had little patience with it and James had often seen her hitting the dashboard with an angry fist; stamping down on the pedals and jerking the handbrake up and down with enough ferocity to break it but James always treated the tractor kindly, happy to wait as long as it took. 

Jackie, of course, saw this as yet another sign that James belonged on the farm but Cal had come closer to the truth when he’d said that James probably didn’t get angry because he didn’t care enough. James didn’t think that was quite right either because it was possible to care about something without wanting it to be part of your future. But it was true that when something was really important to him, he did have a habit of letting his emotions take hold. If he really cared about the tractor and the farm the tears in his eyes would probably be caused by the fear that the farm was all too much for them; as it was, he was only crying because he missed Cal.

Where was he? What was he doing? James asked himself as he drove around the farm. He scanned the roads as he drove, unable to stifle the hope that Cal might be waiting for him around the next corner. It wasn’t a completely ridiculous hope as Cal often did surprise him in this manner. During the day, it was a bit risky for Cal to come to the farm when the other workers, including Eli, were here and anyone could discover them in a stolen moment. But in the early mornings, often before the sun had even risen, it wasn’t unusual for Cal to appear, taking James in his arms and kissing him until James’ smile broke out like the first rays of the sun.

James’ last port of call was the cowsheds. As he got out, he was unable to suppress a grimace. Out of all the jobs on the farm he disliked, seeing to the cows was one of his least favourite. He didn’t know what it was but while the birth of a lamb was a beautiful and magical event, a calf always turned his stomach slightly. 

Several of the cows were due to give birth in the coming days and weeks but nothing had happened during the night and none of them seemed to be in difficulties, apart from the fact that James had woken them up early in the morning in order to examine their most private parts. While James was a little bit scared by their aggression, he had to admit he could quite understand it.  
James left the shed, closed the door behind him and turned to see Cal leaning against the tractor.

Cal looked tired but he managed a smile as he came over to James. “Hi,” he said and held James tightly. No mention was made of the argument. It was always easier to pretend it hadn’t happened. The discussion of one argument could so easily lead to another and neither of them wanted that.

Cal took James’ hand and led him behind the cowshed. It wasn’t the first time he’d done this but perhaps it was the first time he’d done it with apparently honourable intentions. They sat on the grass together and hugged.

Cal didn’t seem to have any inclination for talking. He answered James’ questions; asked a few of his own and then fell silent, his head resting against James’ shoulder and something in his eyes that could have been sadness.

“Are you all right, love?” James asked when the silence had stretched so long between them, he couldn’t remember who had been the last to speak.

“I’m fine,” said Cal. He smiled at James and kissed him but he looked sad again as he settled back in James’ embrace.

James touched Cal’s chin and stroked his thumb over his lips but Cal didn’t smile. “Are you sure? You don’t seem very happy.”

He was expecting Cal to be annoyed and he would honestly almost have welcomed it because at least then Cal would have been more like his usual self. But Cal’s face didn’t change. “Of course I’m happy. I’m with you. I’m just tired. I… I took something last night and I don’t think I got any sleep so I’m obviously tired.”

“What did you want to do that for?” asked James, concerned. He knew he was on dangerous ground and this was a question he wouldn’t normally have asked but whatever was wrong with Cal, he wanted to know. He wanted to help.

Cal shrugged but made no other reply.

“Were you with your friends?” James pressed.

There was a pause. “Yes.”

“And you decided to get high?”

“Why do you want to know that?” Cal’s voice rose but he sounded more upset than angry. “Why do you have to know where I am every minute and who I’m with?”

James rubbed his back gently. “It’s not that, Cal. Of course you don’t have to tell me everything. I’m just worried about you.”  
“There’s no need.” Cal sat up, letting go of James. “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

James caught his hand. “I know you can handle it, Cal. You can handle anything. But that doesn’t mean you have to handle it on your own. There’s nothing you can’t share with me and nothing I won’t help you with.”

“That’s not what you said before.” Cal’s eyes were fixed on a point somewhere to James’ right. “But I’m fine. It’s nothing to do with you anyway.” His voice hardened. “Can we drop it?”

James hesitated. He felt like shaking Cal, not so much because Cal had spoken sharply to him but because he knew something was wrong. Something so painful, Cal couldn’t even begin to tell him what it was. “I don’t want to drop it!" With an effort, he controlled his anger. "I can see something's wrong, Cal.”

Cal looked stubborn for a moment but then he seemed to realise James wasn't going to back down this time. “Okay. It’s just Eli bossing me around and Myrah's always on my case now too. Now she's trying to fix me up with some girl in the camp – some stupid little kid of about thirteen – and I feel like a complete twat for arguing with you.” He stroked James’ hair but his movements were rather jerky and his fingers got caught up in the strands of hair. “That’s all, pisliskurja. I promise that’s all.”

It was plenty, thought James, expecting to feel relief but the ease with which Cal had admitted to everything made him fear that there was something else; something even worse. He tried to ignore that thought, instead focusing on the problems Cal had chosen to tell him about. “Could you tell Myrah you’re already involved with someone? You don’t have to tell her it’s me. Let her think it’s a girl.”

“I suppose so,” said Cal. He sounded doubtful, which wasn’t like him. Cal usually knew exactly what he wanted to do and if he didn’t think a plan of James’ was likely to work, he was never afraid to tell him how stupid it was.

“And don’t worry about the argument,” said James. “All couples argue sometimes. It doesn’t mean we don’t care about each other.” 

Cal hesitated, then nodded.

“It’s probably the drug you took upsetting you,” James said soothingly. “They can mess with your head sometimes; stress you out instead of calming you down.” He paused. “But maybe you shouldn’t take that drug again, Cal, if it’s going to cause a reaction like that.”

Cal went still in his arms. “I can take whatever the fuck I like. I don’t see what it’s got to do with you. Did you ever listen to me when Rob had you trying different shit every week?”

“That’s one reason why it worries me,” James confessed. He gently touched his lips to Cal’s cheek. “You were always so against the drugs. But then something changed your mind. I don’t know what you’re taking, Cal, but I think you’re in way deeper than I ever was.”

Cal shook his head and gave an unconvincing laugh. “I’m not in deep at all, James. I’m in control. I know what I’m doing and I’m not taking anything you’ve never taken. I was just a kid when I used to tell you not to take drugs: I was a stupid little kid who couldn’t see there was nothing wrong with it. I’m a man now and I know what I’m doing.”

James shook his head sadly, feeling the tears threatening again. He wanted to say more; wanted almost to go down on his knees and beg Cal to tell him everything but he knew it would do no good and it might even drive him away. That would be the worst thing he could do. As long as Cal had James, he had one person on his side, watching out for him. If he didn’t have James, there was only Eli and James knew how problematic family life could be. 

So, reluctantly, he pushed all the fears and agony aside and gave Cal a kiss. “Let’s go out somewhere tonight. Let’s just get on the train, go somewhere new, leave all our problems behind us for a few hours. What do you think, love? Give yourself a break from Eli and Myrah and anyone else who’s stressing you out.”

Cal turned to him and there was an expression on his face that James couldn’t quite read. There was desperation there and there was hope but it was more than that. Cal put his arms around James and kissed him roughly, almost wildly but then he moved away and the spark died from his eyes and for a moment or two, he couldn’t even speak; all he could do was hold James’ hands.

“Cal?” James said softly. “What is it?”

“I’m busy tonight,” Cal said and there was true regret in his voice. “I can’t get out of it, James. Not even for you.”

**  
Cal sat in his caravan, the bottle of ketamine in front of him. Time was ticking away and he really should have taken it by now but he hadn’t even uncapped the bottle. He knew he was being stupid: he’d always known that James was against his frequent drug-taking and it wasn’t the first time James had suggested he didn’t take a particular drug again. But his desire to make James happy was so strong, he couldn’t help wishing he could do what he asked and not take it.

But what’s the alternative? he taunted himself. Either you take the stuff or you go there and feel everything he does to you. Every thrust; every clammy finger. Not going isn’t an option. You need the money. 

James had been so supportive today: he’d actually said all the right things except the three most important words and Cal had learned not to expect that. James only told Cal he loved him once in a blue moon and only then when Cal had backed him into a corner. Cal hadn’t done that for a while because it didn’t help. You couldn’t trust the words you’d forced someone to say. 

So he was on his own. He had to rely on himself for money and he only knew one way of getting it and just the thought of doing it without drugs filled him with revulsion and terror. He didn’t want to be touched by any man but James; he’d never wanted that. Therefore he had to take the ketamine.

Once his mind was made up, Cal did it all as quickly as he could, giving himself no opportunity to change his mind. He sat there sniffing the substance into his body and his bloodstream until the world swirled around him and the real Caleb Bray wasn’t there anymore.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal visits a client.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains sexual abuse and underage sex.

Cal set off for the address given to him by his new client, though he knew it might not be his own address. Often they had a secret flat, unknown to their friends and family that was used only for illicit activities. Others gave Cal a random address and then met him outside the house, whisking him away in his car to somewhere quiet where he could do whatever he wanted, undisturbed. 

On this occasion, Cal thought it likely he would enter the building as he’d been told to press the buzzer and his client would let him into the flat. Cal hadn’t met him before: his accent sounded like that of Janine Riley, that vet James thought so highly of. Tina liked her too and often socialised with her, often completely excluding Annie. Cal knew it hurt Annie to be left out but she never showed it; always ready to welcome Tina back with open arms. It irked Cal that Annie was so forgiving but he’d known them for years and doubted her friendship with Tina would ever change.

Cal pressed the buzzer and waited; the Northern voice came back to him, distorted by the crackles of the phone line. He let Cal into the building and told him which floor to go to. Cal did as he was told, walking through darkened corridors along carpeted floors that seemed far too grand for his dirty old trainers. He looked behind him more than once, concerned he was leaving muddy footprints. That was James’ influence, of course: Cal had never even thought about that sort of thing until he’d seen the reproachful look in James’ eyes in response to a trail of muddy footsteps on his mum’s carpet.

A door ahead of him was standing open and Cal at first thought this was the door he was looking for but when he read the number on the door, he realised he still had some way to go. Cal walked past it then cried out as a pair of arms caught him around the waist, dragging him inside the flat and locking the door behind him.

Cal didn’t need to look up to know who it was. He recognised the laugh and he knew then that the accent had been faked; the address too. He didn’t know how Ian had access to the other flat’s phone system but he was a policeman, of course. Everyone would trust him. It was so easy for him to lure Cal to a flat further down the corridor in order to catch him off-guard on the way.

“Nice to see you again,” said Ian.

“I can’t see you now. I’m going to see one of your neighbours,” Cal said with an attempt at bravado he didn’t feel; never could feel when he was with Ian. Immediately, he’d become a frightened little boy again, cringing back against the door and trembling; the familiar panic in the back of his throat, silencing any cries of help he might have tried to make.

But there was no point in calling for help. There never was. Especially not in a posh block of flats where like this where every room would be soundproof. Ian needed only to put the gentlest of hands on Cal’s shoulders as he took him into the bedroom. Cal made no attempt to struggle; he knew it would achieve nothing. He removed his clothes, quietly, calmly; all the while watched by Ian’s salivating gaze. Then he lay face down on the floor and waited.

  
**  
It hurt.

Cal didn’t know if the ketamine hadn’t worked or if he was simply feeling the echoes of the pain he knew so well. Cal’s muscles had tensed as Ian had entered him but Ian cared nothing for that; he forced them apart and kept on pounding as Ian gasped out his name and paid Cal ‘compliments’ that made him feel sick. Cal closed his eyes and sobbed soundlessly into the carpet but it didn’t help; the pain was still inside him like a sharp and excruciating scream, shattering his resistance and confidence and every part of him. 

A sharp blow landed on the back of his head as Ian berated him for crying; then taunted him. “Call yourself a professional, Cal? Think you’re good at this, do you? You’re nothing, mate. You’re shit. You’re the worst I’ve ever had. I don’t know why I keep bothering with you. This is all you’re good for – and you know that, don’t you? Why else would you sell your body like that? – and you’re not even any good at it.”

Cal knew that wasn’t true; he knew that lots of clients appreciated him and that was why so many of them came back for more but that was no consolation. He didn’t want to be in situations like this, letting them ravage his body and, in this case, possibly leave him with terrible diseases that James was only protected from because of his refusal to sleep with Cal. He always insisted on the clients’ wearing condoms but Ian was different. He always had been.

He was still at it, plunging in and out, his hand grabbing at Cal’s balls and yanking them, squeezing them until Cal had to stuff his hand into his mouth to stop himself from screaming. He felt another slap on the back of his head, only this time it was more like a punch: for a moment, Cal’s head reeled and he could no longer feel what was happening inside him. He prayed for the release of unconsciousness but instead the pain returned, his head throbbing in unison along with the searing pain inside him. He was sure something must give way and tear and almost longed for it because at that moment, he wanted nothing more than to die. He would lose James if he died but he didn’t deserve James. The fact he was here at all proved that.

Then it was over. Ian came with a deep roar of satisfaction; withdrawing towards the end so he could spray Cal, marking him as his plaything. Nausea rose in Cal’s throat but he couldn’t stand up: he had to crawl. He only just reached the toilet in time, the sound of Ian’s mocking laughter behind him.

  
**  
Cal flinched with every step as he made his way home. His whole body seemed to hurt and his stomach still threatened to revolt: at one point he had to stop walking and sit down on the grass as he breathed deeply and waited for the nausea to pass.

But at last, he was home; only a few more steps until he reached his caravan. 

A hand descended on Cal’s shoulder and he screamed, his nerves already stretched to breaking point. He struck out blindly but his arms were seized firmly and forced down beside his sides. 

“Cal, what the fuck’s wrong with you?” Eli demanded, his eyes with shock that only deepened as he took in Cal’s appearance. “You’ve been crying. Who made you cry? Did someone hurt you?” His hands tightened painfully on Cal’s arms. “Tell me.”

Cal calmed himself as much as he could and spoke in a low voice. “Not out here, Eli. Please not out here. Can we go inside?”

Eli nodded and loosened his hold on Cal’s arms, putting a firm arm around his shoulders instead. “We’ll go to my caravan. Okay?”

Cal just nodded. He wanted to run away from Eli and go somewhere he could be all alone to despise himself but he didn’t have the strength: his knees were trembling violently and he thought they would have given way without Eli’s support.

As they walked into the caravan, Cal tried to get his scattered thoughts into some sort of order. He couldn’t tell Eli the truth; luckily he was sufficiently in control of himself to know that much. His first thought was that he could claim he’d been watching a weepy film at the cinema but Eli would never believe it and even in his desperation, Cal couldn’t quite bring himself to say something like that.

What else would upset him this much?

Eli sat him down on the bed and put the duvet around his shoulders. “What happened, Cal?” he asked, sitting beside his little brother and hugging him.

“I… I was thinking about Mum and Dad,” said Cal. He believed he was better off without either of them but this was a sadness Eli would understand. “Sometimes I wish they were here.”

Eli held Cal more tightly. “Me too, Cal. Me too. Our dad’s no loss: he’s always been a bastard and he’s not worth your tears or mine but our mum… you know I did my best for you, Cal, but it must have been tough growing up without a mum. She would never have let you go, Cal. Not like I did. She would never have let anything bad happen to you.”

The sadness and guilt in Eli’s voice nearly broke Cal’s control. He didn’t believe his mum would have done anything for him; he’d never really felt as though she loved him and had never been conscious of missing a mother’s love but he couldn’t bear the thought of how Eli would feel if he’d known what Cal was doing. 

Cal took in a shaky breath. “It’s not your fault, Eli. You did your best for me; more than most brothers would be able to do and I’m okay. I know I’ve had a bad day today but that’s not your fault. I’ll be fine tomorrow. I’m just a moody teenager with my hormones all over the place. You’ve done a great job for me; you fought hard for me and got me back. Don’t blame yourself for anything, okay? I’m fine.”

“And I’m still fighting, Cal,” Eli said, his voice low but full of emotion. “I’m still trying to make things right for you. And I will.” 

“Yeah, of course you will,” said Cal. Eli’s intensity was beginning to frighten him a bit but Cal was feeling so fragile at the moment, perhaps anything would have scared him. 

I want James, Cal thought but he also knew he couldn’t have him. He knew from Eli’s reaction that he looked terrible and he couldn’t distress James by letting him see him like this. Especially when he couldn't explain it. Eli tended to assume that Cal felt exactly the same way about their mum as he did but James knew Cal had no real feelings for his mum. It was one of the few things he had been able to tell him.

“I know everything’s going to be okay,” Cal said in a calm voice. It was true, after all. He would eventually get away from here. “Do you mind if I go back to my caravan now? I’m tired. I really need to sleep.”


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal has something very important to ask James.

Cal almost didn’t want to ask. He knew it could spoil everything. They were both so happy, just sitting and cuddling in bed as James tried not to cry over the film they were watching – or rather the film James was watching. Cal had for some time been occupied with watching James. His heart trembled as James lifted his hand to his eye and wiped a tear away whilst pretending to scratch under his eye. He was the most adorable guy Cal had ever seen and in some ways his feelings had hardly changed from the first moment he’d seen James: when Cal was a tiny, skinny nine year old falling hopelessly in love with a shy, handsome farm boy.

James sniffed, wiped his nose with the back of his hand and then gave his nose a good scratch. In a way, Cal wanted to laugh because James was so silly but he also loved him for trying so hard not to worry him.

The credits rolled; James gave a small sob and then a fake-sounding cough. Cal had been planning on letting James regain his masculinity (not that he’d ever lost it for a second as far as Cal was concerned) by going to the bathroom and giving James a good five minutes to recover. But when he looked at James again: his eyes glistening with tears and a couple spots of moisture on his cheeks, Cal just couldn’t leave him. He put his arms around James and pushed his head down onto his shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Cal said and dropped a kiss onto James’ hair. “It’s okay, you silly twat.”

This made James laugh shakily and he was still laughing as he sat up and brushed his tears away. “Sorry, Cal.”

“What for? I think it’s hot,” said Cal. “It makes me feel all big and masculine and protective.” 

James laughed again and Cal pretended to glare at him. 

“Hey, what’s so funny about me being big and masculine and protective? Okay maybe I’m not very big but you can’t say I’m not the other things.”

James hugged him. “You’re big and masculine and protective to me.”

Cal narrowed his eyes, not completely sure this was a compliment but then he decided he didn’t care. He was with James. Nothing else mattered.

For a few moments, with James’ arms around him and sweet murmurs of affection (but not love) in his ear, Cal almost managed to convince himself that nothing else did matter. But then the memories of last night intruded again, intensified by the appearance on the television of a man dressed in a police uniform with an evil glint in his eye. Cal’s body tensed and he pushed James away, grabbing the remote and pressing the button to turn the TV off.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?” James sounded worried.

“I’m fine, I just can’t stand that actor, he’s a smug old bastard,” Cal said, his voice not completely steady but perhaps steady enough.

He couldn’t pretend anymore after that. It was lovely being with James even if there was no future for them but Cal knew he couldn’t go on like this. Especially not after what had happened yesterday. Once Eli had finally let him go, Cal had escaped to his caravan, locked the door and huddled under the bedclothes, trembling, not daring even to close his eyes in case he dreamed of him.

He had to get away from Overton: it was that simple but he couldn’t do it alone. It would take him forever to earn enough money. If James wouldn’t help him, someone else would have to but there was only one person Cal wanted. Only one person he felt as though he could trust. Only one person he loved and couldn’t imagine living without.

“I love you,” Cal said and the word was as much a desperate appeal as an expression of the feeling inside him whenever he looked at or thought of James Warwick.

“Even though I’m a crybaby?” said James.

He was joking as he often did when faced with a declaration of love from Cal. Often that didn’t matter because it just made Cal laugh and love him even more but this time it hurt him and he flinched away from the words and the rejection implied within.

“Cal?” James caught his hands. “What’s wrong, love?”

The endearment hurt too. James said it so often but so many people used the word ‘love’ nowadays. The woman in the shop where Cal had bought a bottle of water earlier always called him ‘love’ and he certainly didn’t imagine for a second that she loved him. Lots of guys called girls they didn’t care about ‘love’ and Cal didn’t doubt there were guys who said the same to boys they didn’t love. 

“Why don’t you believe I love you?” Cal asked painfully. It was the wrong question of course: not the one he desperately needed to know the answer to. But he couldn’t quite form the words when he was so afraid of what the answer might be.

“It’s not that I don’t believe you-” began James.

Cal closed his eyes, blocking out the face of the man he loved but failing to block out the pain. “Please, James. Just answer the question.”

James’ hands seemed to stiffen slightly in Cal’s. “I…”

Cal waited. He could feel James’ hands but he still felt as though he was all alone in the dark, waiting for the blow to fall.

“I don’t… it’s just…” James sounded upset too.

“It’s just what?” Cal’s voice was almost inaudible.

“It’s just you’re… you’re so gorgeous and sweet and amazing and I’m just… I’m just not.” As James said the last three words, his voice faded into bewilderment. “I don’t know what you’d want with someone like me. I’m dull and boring and all I really know about is farms and school work. I don’t know anything about life. Not real life.”

Cal’s voice was shaking as he replied: “I don’t know who made you think that way about yourself but right now I’d like to kill them.”

His eyes were open now: he saw James’ head go back in surprise. Cal put his hands on James’ shoulders and look straight into his eyes. 

“I love you,” Cal said, his voice stronger now. “I wish you could believe me. All those things you said about me, I think exactly the same about you. I thought you were gorgeous right from the first time I saw you. And you were so different from the others. They were all morons, especially Rob, saying everything that came into their heads, no matter how stupid it sounded. You thought about things. You never spoke unless you had something to say. Sometimes you kept quiet when you should have spoken; sometimes you got things wrong and talked complete rubbish – you still do that – but I thought that was adorable too. And you never wanted to hurt anyone. The others were always scoring points off each other but you were kind.”

“Was I?” said James as though he couldn’t really believe it. “Am I?”

Cal nodded. “I remember once when I was riding with Tina and Eli and I couldn’t keep up with them and I fell off my horse. You put your arm around me and you told me to stay there for a minute and catch my breath because I was ‘breathless and covered with sweat’ even though you must have known I was crying. You were so nice but I was really embarrassed so I told you to fuck off. And you looked so hurt and I thought you were going to cry too but you didn’t. You took me inside and talked me into having some hot chocolate and a biscuit. And then you told Eli and Tina how brave I was and that I didn’t even cry.” His smile was only half-sad. “You never told such a convincing lie ever again.”

“Do you think they believed me?” asked James.

Cal gave a painful smile. “Eli didn’t believe you but Tina did. You were just perfect, James. You still are. I love you. Okay? I’d do anything for you. And I just hope you’d do anything for me because I don’t think I can-” Cal’s voice roughened with emotion and he stopped speaking, lowering his head, unable to meet James’ gaze.

James seemed too shocked to speak at first but his body reacted, holding Cal close, one hand rubbing between his shoulder blades. “What’s wrong, love?” he asked, probably trying to keep his voice calm but failing. “It’s something bad, Cal, isn’t it?”

Cal couldn’t speak so he just nodded into James’ shoulder.

“Can you tell me anything at all?” James asked, his own voice trembling.

“I… I…” Cal’s voice wobbled; he could get no further but then the words burst out of him. “Just get me away from here, James! I can’t be here anymore. I was going to leave before; I actually did leave. I got on the train and I was so desperate to get out of here I even bought a ticket; I couldn’t risk being thrown off even though I had hardly any money. But then I just kept thinking about you and I couldn’t leave you. I got off the train at the first stop and came home.”

There was silence. Cal was almost too afraid to look. He saw James’ mouth open and shut but no sound came out. The silence stretched. Cal’s eyes dropped again.

“James?” Cal said, his voice small and afraid. “James? Say something?”

Slowly, James seemed to come to. He smoothed Cal’s hair; then kissed it. “Cal, look at me.” He waited until Cal had lifted his head and turned towards James. “Cal, do you really need to get away that badly?”

Cal’s lips trembled as he spoke. “I can’t stay here, James. The only reason I’m still here is you.”

“I… er…” James cleared his throat. “Cal. I know you’ve probably been thinking about this for a while but it’s come from nowhere a bit for me. We’d need to think about it. We can’t just jump on a train.”

Cal sighed. “I knew you’d say that.”

James held his hand. “We’d need to decide where we’re going; save up some money.”

“I’ve got some money,” Cal said quickly. “I’ve been… making pendants and stuff. And cleaning people’s cars. Walking their dogs. I haven’t got lots but I’ve got… some.”

“I’ve got some money saved too,” said James. “For university. Of course I wasn’t going to go,” he added as Cal gave the faintest of gasps. “I never really wanted to go. I just wanted to get away from here.” He stroked Cal’s hand. “Or I did until our first kiss.”

“There are probably universities all over the world,” Cal offered. “So you could still go.” He didn’t really understand why James would want to spend more time studying but if it was important to him, then it was important to Cal too.

James nodded. “Probably. But if we go somewhere together, I’ll need to work. I’ll need to support us.”

Cal was almost relieved when he started to feel angry. He preferred anger to being upset. “As if I’d let you do that. We’ll both work, James.”

“You can’t work: you’re too young,” said James. “Maybe you could make pendants and wash cars but you wouldn’t earn much from that.”

Cal’s lips tightened. “I’m a man, James. Probably more of a man than you in some ways. You wouldn’t be able to do this on your own but you could do it with me. We’ll both work. I’ll get a fake passport and get someone to fake a reference for me. I know people who could do that.”

James looked lost and helpless as though Cal was moving too fast for him. Cal knew he probably was but there was so little time. Cal felt like he was only hanging on to his sanity by a thread. He didn’t know how much more he could bear and he’d need to be strong if he went away with James. James was lovely and gorgeous and all Cal wanted but he was sensitive and naïve. Cal needed to be able to look after him.

“Have you decided where you want to go?” James said at last.

“Argentina,” said Cal. “There’s 30,000 Roma in Argentina and we can get married there and everything.” He stopped, horrified. He hadn’t meant to blurt that out. “Er, I mean… so if they’ve got gay marriage, they obviously wouldn’t mind if we lived together.” He rushed on quickly. “And you can teach me Spanish. We could live together and maybe work together and no-one would ever find us because Argentina is too big.”

“My… my Spanish isn’t that good,” was all James could find to say in response.

“I’m sure it’s good enough,” said Cal.

“But… no, we can’t do this.” James put his hand to his head. “You’re not serious, Cal. We can’t just go to Argentina. You can’t really think-“

He stopped as Cal tore himself from him. “Okay. Fine. If that’s how you feel, I’ll go on my own.”

“Cal, wait.” James almost threw himself across the bed and caught Cal’s arm before he could escape. “If you’re going to storm off, at least wait till I’ve finished. I’m not saying I won’t go. It’s all just so sudden. I need some time to think about it.” James got off the bed and put his arm around Cal’s shoulders. “We’d need to get the tickets, for one thing. And your passport. We’d need to decide which part of Argentina we’re going to. I’ll need to brush up on my Spanish and start teaching you, like you said. We’ll need to look at the job situation; decide if we want to live in a house or a caravan – though we’d probably need to stay in a hotel for the first few weeks while we look for a home. We’d need to find out the climate: we’ll probably need new clothes. We’d need to-”

“No, we don’t have time for all that!” said Cal. 

James coaxed Cal back towards the bed. “I know you want to go as soon as possible, love. I don’t know what’s going on: I just know it’s hurting you and I want to do whatever it takes to stop it hurting but if we just jump on a plane and show up in Argentina, it’s not going to be easy.”

“It’ll be better than it is here!” Cal’s shoulders heaved as he tried not to cry.

James hugged him. “I’m not asking you to wait forever, love. Just a couple of months while I work things out. That’s not too long, is it? We might not get a flight much before then anyway. And I should probably think about getting a job to earn us some more money before we go.”

Money…

In all the emotion of the moment, Cal had forgotten about the money but James was right. He blinked his tears away and managed to calm himself down. “Yes. We will need money.”


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is worried about money but Cal has a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everything makes sense. I usually have someone to read the chapters for me before I post them but it's not possible at the moment. Please feel free to correct anything, especially my Spanish! Thank you to everyone who's given kudos or commented on my story.

“I could get a job but my mum needs me to work on the farm,” James said, gnawing on his lip in a way that Cal always found adorable when he wasn’t too stressed to appreciate it. “We can’t get someone in to replace me because we can’t afford to pay them.”

“If you’re in that much trouble,” Cal said baldly, “maybe you should sell off some of your assets.”

“We’re hoping we won’t have to,” said James. “But there’s a possibility we’ll have to sell Blackout.”

“Why shouldn’t you sell Blackout?” Cal kept his voice nonchalant. “You could get a lot of money for her. A lot of money. She’s a very good horse and she’s wasted on a farm. She should solve all your money problems.”

James nodded. “And then I could stop working on the farm and get a job somewhere else and we could save up the money for Argentina…” He stopped as Cal shook his head. “What else could we do?”

“If you find the right buyer; if you can get Blackout into the kind of spotlight where all the best racehorse owners will see her, then you should get more than enough money to save the farm,” said Cal. He was almost relieved to be talking about this part. He’d rehearsed it so many times in his head. “And if you help out with arranging everything, then you’ll be entitled to at least some of that money.”

“At least some?” James went still; then Cal felt him withdraw slightly. “Cal, you’re not suggesting…”

“I won’t know unless you say, will I?”

“You’re not suggesting I steal from my mother.”

Cal stroked James’ arm. “Of course I’m not. I’m saying you’re entitled to some of the money. You’ve looked after Blackout; fed her; groomed her; exercised her; built her up into the horse she is today. You found one of the country’s best young riders of the future – Tina – to ride her and get the best from her. What has your mum done for Blackout really?”

“She’s kept a stable over her head,” said James but his voice was quieter now; less certain. 

“I bet you cleaned and maintained that stable more than she did,” said Cal.

James thought; then reluctantly nodded. “She does work on the farm. She’s always in and out of the stables. But I suppose I do more.”

“And she hasn’t even paid you minimum wage!” said Cal. “Even though you work full-time at weekends and in the holidays. You’ve been doing that ever since you were a kid.”

James nodded thoughtfully. “What I’ve been doing is technically illegal, though it happens on farms all over the country. Even when I was your age, I was only really allowed to work twelve hours a week in term-time and I wasn’t supposed to start work earlier than 7am. But it was a lot more than twelve hours and I was often up at 4.”

“She owes you,” said Cal. “She treats you like shit as well. If we can convince her to sell Blackout, at least some of that money should be yours.”

“Maybe it should be,” said James. “But how are we going to get it?”

“I’ve got an idea, James. I’ve found out something. Something you probably don’t know. Your mum might not know either.”

James looked confused. “How could there be something about Blackout you know and I don’t?”

Cal knew that what he was about to say might hurt James. He knew he probably wouldn’t approve of what Cal had in mind. But what choice did he have? “I’ve got the contract, James. The contract for Blackout.”

James gasped, almost silently but Cal heard. “How could you have the contract?” 

“I found it. And now I’ve hidden it. I think I can use it to help us.”

“How?”

Cal hesitated. It was a risk telling James that part. He could be only pretending to go along with it or he might be helping Cal only because he would have helped anyone who was that unhappy. “Blackout isn’t just your mum’s horse. She has two owners.”

“What?” James stared at him; he shook his head. “Blackout doesn’t have two owners. She’s ours. She’s always been ours.”

“That’s not what it says on the contract,” said Cal. “Half of her belongs to…” He stopped. He knew this was going to hurt but he had to go on. “…to my family. My grandad left lots of his stuff to me.” Cal’s took James’ hand in his. “I’m sorry, James, but your dad…”

“Fuck!” James slammed his fist into the bed. “He didn’t. Tell me he fucking didn’t.”

Cal squeezed his hand but he knew it wouldn’t help. “I’m sorry.” He hated himself for putting that look on James’ face, just as he hated anyone who hurt him.

“That absolute fucking bastard!” James said angrily, tearing his hand away from Cal’s. He picked up one of his pillows and threw it across the room. It hit the wall, landed on the desk and knocked his pot of pens onto the floor. “Fuck!” He grabbed the other pillow and threw that too. “He might have told my mum of course but I doubt it. He was a fucking coward. A fucking lying, cheating, swindling…” Then he was quiet, the anger draining from his face. “Though a lot of men become cowards when faced with my mum. I know I do.”

Cal put his hand into James’ again. “I’m sorry, James. I really am. I’m not just saying that. I really am sorry.” He’d watched the anger and sadness as it flickered across James’ face and felt it echo in his heart. He knew what it was like to discover your father wasn’t the guy you’d always believed he was.

“Don’t be. I’m not really surprised.” James squeezed Cal’s hand and gave a weak smile. “I know what he’s like after all this time. But Cal, if your plan is for my mum to buy your half of Blackout, it’s not going to work. She can’t afford it.”

“No. I thought she couldn’t.” Cal paused. “But if you can find a buyer, we can get half the money.”

A spark came into James’ eyes but then it died. “I don’t think my mum would sell Blackout if she could only get half what she’s worth. That would still be the most sensible thing she could do but I don’t think she’d do it.”

“But if she doesn’t know the contract exists; if she thinks Blackout is hers, she might sell her,” said Cal. 

He kept his gaze focused on their joined hands. He knew James might not agree to what they were doing. It was underhand. It was blackmail. But Cal would do almost anything to get away. 

“Then when the sale of Blackout is announced,” Cal continued, “I’ll show her the contract and say half that money is ours. She’ll have to give us the money then. If she doesn’t, she could get into all sorts of trouble. She can’t prove she didn’t know the contract existed.”

James said nothing but just stared sadly off into space.

“I’m sorry if you don’t like the idea,” Cal said softly. “But I need to get away, James. I need to get away so bad and this is the only way I can think of. I’m not going to ask for more than half the money. If she gets a high enough price I could even ask for less than half. And even though she doesn’t want to sell Blackout, isn’t it the best thing she could do?”

James sighed. “Yes. You’re right. I’ve been trying to talk her into selling Blackout for months. It’s the only way, especially if I’m not going to stay here – which I’m not. It’s a sneaky way of doing it but it’s the best thing for all of us. I can see that.”

Cal kissed him and was relieved when James kissed him back, one arm holding Cal tightly against him while the other still held his hand.

“I am sorry it has to be like this.” Cal’s voice trembled. “I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do. I don’t ever want to do anything that would hurt you or your family. I’ve thought and thought, James. I didn’t want it to be like this. But I don’t know what else to do.” 

“I know, love. I know.” James stroked his hair. “It’s okay, Cal. Don’t worry. We’re only taking what’s rightfully yours. And if my dad hadn't given it away, the money would have been partly mine. Half of Blackout definitely belongs to us.” He seemed tense and nervous but determined. “So that’s what we’ll do. But if we’re going to Argentina in a couple of months, we’ve got work to do.”

Cal nodded and sat up, though he pressed close to James’ side. “We should probably book the flight first.”

“Yes, we’ll look at the flights.” James lifted his laptop onto the bed and put it on his thighs. Cal sat as close to James as he could get, his head against his shoulder. 

“So we’re really going,” Cal almost whispered.

James took Cal’s hands in his. “Vamos a Argentina junto, Cal.”

Cal thought hard. “Okay, I got the Argentina part. And the first bit sounded like vamoose so that probably means we’re going? But I’m not sure about the hunting part.”

The expression on James’ face might even have been pride. “You see? You’re learning already. It means we’re going to Argentina together.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James has a visitor. I'm sure you can guess who it is.

James didn’t even wonder if Cal would come to see him today. He knew he would because he’d come every day since they’d bought the tickets. He sometimes arrived bleary-eyed but never sad. He spent most of the day with James, following the tractor around and hiding whenever they saw someone coming. Cal was good at that. He seemed to sense the presence of another person long before they’d come into James’ field of vision. By the time they did, Cal had vanished as though he’d never been there. 

So instead of wondering, James was looking forward to seeing Cal and today, he had even more reason to look forward to it than usual, if such a thing were possible. He’d managed to pick up the letter from the doormat without his mum’s seeing it and had stuffed it into his pants – which only seemed appropriate considering the number of times Cal had attempted to get into them. The envelope had crackled a bit as he’d moved around the kitchen getting breakfast but his mum had been in too much of a rush to hear anything.

It was often the way, James couldn’t help thinking, but without the sadness he usually felt. His mum so often didn’t hear anything related to James. It had upset him through his childhood, as Cal knew; had always known, even before James had confided in him. But from now on, it was going to be different. He had Cal now. James still doubted that Cal cared for him enough for their relationship to last but there was no denying that Cal always listened to him.

As James drove the tractor, he scanned the roads and fields, hoping to see Cal. He was not disappointed. After only a couple of minutes of driving, James saw a movement to his left and Cal stepped out from behind a bush and waved. James stopped the tractor and waved back; he then climbed out of the tractor and into Cal’s arms.

“How are you?” Cal asked when he’d finished kissing James hello. 

James tried to answer but Cal was kissing him again and he had to wait. “I’m fine.” He knew part of the reason Cal was asking was because he wanted to make sure James’ mum hadn’t upset him again but he seemed satisfied with James’ reply and hugged him some more. “How are you?” James asked in his turn.

“I’m very happy because we’re going to Argentina together!” said Cal. 

“Yes, we’re going to Argentina together,” James agreed.

Cal smiled uncontrollably. “I’m the luckiest guy in the world. Seriously. You’re so lovely and perfect and sexy and hot and …” Cal rubbed his groin against James. “-fit and lickable and fuckable and arousing and… crackly? James, since when is your cock crackly?”

“Crackly?” James said, not understanding at first because he was so turned-on by what Cal was saying and doing. “Oh, right! It’s for you, Cal.”

“Your cock is for me?” said Cal. He looked confused; then he laughed. “James, don’t tell me you wrapped your cock up like a birthday present!”

“No: nothing like that,” James said quickly. He thought that would be going a bit far, even for him. “I have got something for you, though. I hid it in my pants so my mum wouldn’t see it.”

“Okay, that still sounds like your cock to me,” said Cal.

James blushed. “Well… that is in there too…”

Cal put his hand between James’ legs. “Yes, it definitely is in there.” He ran his fingers lightly up and down and the envelope in James’ pants crackled again. “Are you going to show me what you’ve got me? Or do I have to get it out myself using my mouth?” He dropped to his knees and kissed James’ crotch a couple of times to show he wasn’t joking. 

James had to admit he rather liked the idea of Cal using his mouth but he knew it was a bit risky when they were standing together beside the tractor and could be surprised at any moment. “There’s no-one coming, is there?”

“Only you, if I keep on kissing you here,” Cal said and kissed him some more. “You’re already getting hard.”

James wasn’t a bit surprised. He tried to focus but it was difficult. Cal really seemed to know what he was doing. “Cal, why don’t you stand up and I’ll get it out and show you?”

“Brilliant idea!” Cal shouted and jumped to his feet. “I’ve been wanting you to do that for years!”

“You know I didn’t mean that.” James reached into his pants, careful not to get anything else out at the same time. He knew Cal wouldn’t mind and he wouldn’t have minded either if they’d been somewhere they were unlikely to be disturbed but he still felt that certain behaviours belonged in the bedroom. Or the tractor.

He showed the envelope to Cal and saw his face change as realisation dawned. The laughter faded from his face and he stared at James with a mixture of excitement mingled with disbelief that the moment was finally here. “Is that…?”

James put the envelope into Cal’s hands. “I think so but we won’t know till you open it.”

“You want me to open it?” said Cal, surprised. James nodded and Cal made no further protests, instead ripping the envelope apart so violently, the contents fell onto the road. “Shit!”

“It doesn’t matter. At least you didn’t drop it in a pile of manure,” James said as he picked everything up again and handed it to Cal.

“It’s them, James.” Cal actually sounded slightly emotional. “Our tickets to Argentina. Our tickets out of his shithole.”

James put his hands on Cal’s arms. He would have hugged him but he was worried about crushing the tickets. “Our tickets to a new life.”

Cal laughed a bit shakily and shoved James playfully in the chest. “That’s just cheesy.”

“But true,” James said he took Cal’s face in his hands.

“But still cheesy,” said Cal.

James placed his lips lightly against Cal’s. Slowly, their mouths moved together. The kiss was soft and almost chaste but James could feel Cal trembling in his arms. Perhaps it was because he was feeling the same way as James was feeling right now: deeply, passionately in love and hopeful that the boy he loved would have a happy future.

Or perhaps he was just glad to be on the verge of escaping at last.

The kiss was slow and lingering and it took an age, but a pleasurable one, for their lips to part. James would draw his lips away slightly, only for Cal’s mouth to follow him. Then their roles were reversed, with James reluctant to move away. They only stopped when Cal dropped the tickets again: too caught up in the moment to remember he was holding them.

“Shall I take mine?” Cal said when he’d picked them up and was looking at them with renewed excitement. tracing the Alitalia logo with his finger.

“I could keep them both,” James said but he might have known Cal wouldn’t agree.

“I can look after my own tickets, James,” Cal said affectionately. “You know I’m not a kid. I’ll be older than you when I get my new passport.” Their first thought had been to make Cal sixteen but they’d decided it would be a lot easier if Cal was a completely legal adult. As Cal’s birthday was earlier in the year he would be the elder. Cal found it necessary to mention this at least five times a day.

James laughed. “Then maybe you should take both of them! You can’t trust a little kid like me to look after them properly.”

“You’ll only be a little kid for a few more weeks,” Cal consoled him. “Then you’ll be all man… my man… and I’ll be able to do whatever I want with you at last.”

“I think I’m quite looking forward to that,” said James.

“You better had be!” Cal put the tickets and covering letter carefully inside his pants. He walked in a circle, the tickets crackling, and then stopped, frowning. “Did you get turned on when you had the tickets next to your cock or is it just because I know they’ve been next to yours?”

**  
“Hey, you gorgeous sexy farm worker! Isn’t it about time you had a break?”

It was really much too early for a break. Cal hadn’t been away for more than an hour. He’d gone home to put the tickets safely in his caravan and do some shopping and he said he’d be back at lunchtime with sandwiches but it wasn't even eleven yet and Cal’s hands were empty.

James smiled, said hello, and carried on working.

Cal made a sad face. “Haven’t you even got time for a quick break?”

“I suppose I’ve got time for a quick one,” James said. From the way Cal’s face lit up, he realised he’d walked right into that one.  
“Great: would you like to do it on the ground or over the bale?” Without waiting for an answer, Cal embraced James from behind, sliding his hands over his arms and gently removing the tool he was using from his unresisting hands. “Let’s have our break, James, okay?”

James glanced at the hay bale but decided that while it would be quite a comfortable seat, it was too public for them to risk it. Cal took his hand and James went within him willingly. Neither of them spoke but James was aware of every movement of Cal’s body: not just the feet walking beside him or their arms swinging in rhythm but every single small movement of his head as he searched for the perfect place to spend their break together.

“There,” Cal said, pointing to a hedge. They sat down on the grass beside it and hugged. At first, it was no more than a hug but then Cal started to kiss James’ shoulder, moving along it to his neck and up to his jawline. James had one hand in Cal’s hair; the other moved over his back in circles as Cal’s lips continued their exploration of James’ face.

“I love you, James,” Cal whispered against his mouth and James couldn’t have replied if he’d wanted to because Cal’s tongue was in his mouth and his lips were pressing tightly against his and he was (quite unusually for him) pushing Cal backwards onto the grass and still the kiss continued: two pairs of lips pressing and sucking and tasting and still wanting more.

When James sat up both boys were breathless. He looked down at Cal who was gazing up at him dreamily, his hands still holding onto James’ arms as though he didn’t want to let go.

“You look beautiful,” James said without thinking as he looked down into Cal’s delicate face.

Cal laughed and sat up too. “Thanks, James. I’ll take that as a compliment. You look beautiful too. Even with grass stains all over you.”

James looked down at himself and discovered Cal was right but he panicked only for a moment. It wasn’t unusual to find himself covered in grass stains after a full day’s work on the farm and if his mum made any comment, James could always say he’d fallen over. It probably wouldn’t even be a lie. James fell over quite a lot. He had a feeling Rob could probably explain why.

“You can tell your mum you fell over again,” Cal said and James laughed.

“I was thinking exactly the same thing, Cal.”

“Then you’ve probably got something right for once!” Cal climbed onto on James’ lap, his knees on either side of James’ waist. “Fuck, I want you. I want you right here, right now with your hair all messed up and your boots on but nothing else.”

James cupped Cal’s face in his hands. “With my boots on? You have some very kinky fantasies, Caleb.”

“If you think that’s kinky, wait till you hear about some of the others!” said Cal. He pressed his forehead against James’ and looked forcefully into his eyes. “I’d like to fuck you in our pendants and nothing else; in a riding hat and nothing else…” 

James could feel himself going red but he desperately tried to pretend he wasn’t embarrassed. “And a policeman’s helmet and nothing else, I suppose.”

To his surprise, Cal shuddered. “No. Definitely not. Not a policeman’s helmet.” He looked slightly ill.

“Cal, are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” said Cal. “I just don’t like policemen, okay? There aren’t many travellers who do. Apart from Ruth fucking Rosen, of course. She loves them but what else would you expect?”

James frowned. “Why do you hate Ruth so much? What did she ever do to you?”

Cal could think of a few things but he wasn’t in the mood for an argument. Not now. “Okay. You’re right. Let’s talk about something more interesting. Like all the different places I’d like to fuck you when you finally let me. In the tractor, obviously. With you bent over the seat. Then with me bent over the seat. In the stables.” He looked thoughtful. “Maybe on the back of a horse. I asked Tina if she’d ever fucked Rob on the back of a horse and she told me to mind my own fucking business but she definitely didn’t look like she hated the idea.”

James was blushing even more now. “You can’t ask Tina things like that about her and Rob!”

Cal looked a bit surprised. “Why not? Tina’s like my sister.”

“I don’t ask my sister things like that!” said James.

Cal made a sad face. “James, are you saying you don’t want to fuck me on the back of a horse?”

“I… I… I don’t know,” James said weakly. “It does sound a bit dangerous.”

Cal kissed him. “If you don’t want to do it, then we won’t. I don’t want to do any of this stuff unless you’re okay with it. The only thing I really care about is you. Just as long as it’s you and me and a bed…”

“A bed?” James said in another rather shaky attempt not to let his embarrassment get the better of him. “You didn’t say anything about a bed.”

Cal looked a bit shy. “I know but I really want our first time to be in a bed? I think that’s the right way to do it.”

“So do I,” James said at once, thrilled that their desires were in tune again. When Cal kissed him, he gladly responded and when his phone started to ring he didn’t know what it was at first: it was just another vibration among many caused by Cal as he explored James’ body.

It was Cal who eventually recognised that the quivering did not come from either one of them. He moved his head just enough for his lips not to be meshed with James and asked in a slightly disappointed voice: “Is that your phone?”

“I hope not.” James reached for his pocket and Cal moved his leg just enough for James to reach his phone but the ringing had already stopped. “Fuck. That was my mum. She probably wants to know where I am. I’d better ring her back.”

Cal didn’t let go of him. “Do you want me to stay?”

James was touched. He knew Cal had offered because he was worried James’ mum might upset him. But he shook his head. “I’ll be fine. But thanks.” He gave Cal another kiss.

“Promise you’ll phone if you need me?” said Cal, still not letting go.

“I promise,” James said, hoping he wouldn’t have to. It was a lot more difficult for Jackie to upset him now James knew he’d soon be away from her.

Cal kissed him. “I’ll see you at half-twelve with the sandwiches, then.” He kept hold of James’ hand until their arms were at full stretch. Then, slowly, reluctantly, he let go.

“That sounds good,” James said as his phone started to ring again. “I’ll see you soon.”

Cal blew him a kiss and mouthed: _I love you_.

If his mum hadn’t answered the phone at that moment, James thought he might have replied.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Cal are planning on spending the evening together but Rob and Tina have other ideas.

Cal didn’t really want to go out with Tina, Rob and Annie. He would rather have stayed at home with James and the fact the others were all going to be out of the way made it all the more tempting. But when Tina phoned up and complained she hadn’t seen him for ages, Cal gave in because he missed her too and not long after that, James phoned to say sheepishly that Rob had persuaded him to go. 

“But at least we’ll be together,” said James.

“And we can always hold hands under the table.” It always excited Cal to be holding James’ hand secretly when the others were right next to them.

“But if we don’t end up sitting next to each other and you decide to play footsie with me, make sure it really is me this time and not Rob,” James advised him.

“I don’t care. I thought it was funny,” Cal said, giggling. “And then Rob thought I was Tina and he actually reached under the table and started groping my leg!”

“Yes, well, I don’t want you playing footsie with other guys and I definitely don’t want them groping your legs,” James said firmly – and Cal was reminded that James hadn’t found it funny at all.

“I won’t, James. I’ll be careful,” Cal assured him. “And it’s not like I enjoyed it. I was a bit confused because your feet felt weird and your hand was digging into my knee so hard it hurt but I couldn’t really say anything in front of the others.”

James was silent for a moment. “Do you think we should tell them before we leave? About us, I mean?”

“I don’t know,” said Cal. It wasn’t something he’d really thought about, which was strange. Eli was his brother; Tina was practically his sister and although he wasn’t as close to Rob and Annie, they’d been hanging around in the same group for years. Cal knew he would miss Eli and Tina and he would probably miss Annie but all he’d thought about was getting away – and not wanting to leave James. 

“They are our friends,” James pointed out. “And I don’t think any of them are homophobic.”

“I know but…” Cal stopped. “I just don’t want to tell them yet. Okay?” Eli would definitely try to stop them from going and he was fairly sure Tina would as well. He thought Annie was enough of a romantic to respect their wishes and Rob wouldn’t care enough to try to stop them but both of them had a habit of blurting out the wrong thing at the wrong time. For one reason or another, Cal couldn’t trust any of them. 

“We won’t talk about it now,” James said to Cal’s relief. “I need to go and get ready.”

“Yeah, so do I,” Cal said quickly. “I want to make myself look hot for you. Wear my best clothes. A quick squirt of that cologne that drives you wild. And my best pants obviously. You can’t say I’m not optimistic.”

James’ voice was warm. “You don’t need to dress up for me, Cal. You’d look hot if you were wearing nothing at all.”

“Yeah, so would you!” said Cal. 

“Thanks, Cal,” James said, evidently with no idea of what he’d said. “I’ll see you later, love.”

“See you later, pisliskurja. I love you.” Cal waited, holding his breath. Would James say it?

There was a pause, then James said it. “I love you too.”

**  
They’d all decided to go in a taxi so they could drink. They knew Cal would probably be served but they weren’t so sure about James and spent most of the taxi ride teasing him about how young he looked. James wouldn’t have said he did look particularly young but as Cal put it, he probably did have an ‘air of innocence’. 

Rob had requested a guy he knew to be their taxi driver. This guy apparently owed Rob money, which meant not only that their taxi ride was free but that he was willing to let all five of them squash into the taxi with Tina on Rob’s lap. When Annie challenged James and Cal to a race to determine who rode shotgun, they both reacted exactly as she’d expected, with James saying he wasn’t bothered where he sat and Cal accepting the challenge with alacrity. Unfortunately, Cal managed to trip over at the crucial moment and Annie happily claimed the front seat. Cal rather sulkily sat in the back beside James but James knew he was only pretending. Despite the pouty lips, Cal looked more than a little bit smug.

“Here we are!” Rob announced when the taxi pulled up outside a place James had never been to before.

“Fuck, you’re joking!” Tina said when she saw it. 

“I just thought it would make a nice change,” Rob said with a shrug.

“I thought we were coming here for a drink, not a game of fucking pool!”

Rob looked confused. “They do drinks too. Anyway, I thought you liked pool. You beat me last time, I seem to remember.”

“Yeah, I know but what about Annie?” said Tina. ”We can’t just leave her sitting on her own.”

“She won’t be on her own!” Rob was raising his voice now. “James is rubbish at pool and Cal probably isn’t big enough to reach the table so they can all sit together and drink while we play.”

James glanced at Cal, certain he wouldn’t react well to this jibe about his height (he actually wasn’t that much smaller than James) but Cal didn’t seem to be listening. He was staring at the pub or whatever it was with something akin to horror. “Cal? Are you okay?” James asked quietly, his voice drowned out by the sound of Rob and Tina’s argument.

Cal pulled himself together with a visible effort. “I’m fine. I was just thinking.” He turned to the others. “Are we going in or what? I’m dying for a piss. James, you’ll get my drink, won’t you?”

James had been about to say he was dying for a piss too but Cal’s request for a drink let him know he wasn’t wanted. Obviously, Cal was going to take some drug or other and he didn’t want James going in there and trying to talk him out of it. James was torn. He knew that if he insisted on going into the toilets with Cal, Cal wouldn’t be able to stop him. He could hardly claim superior knowledge of James’ bladder. But then he saw the almost desperate look in Cal’s eyes and he realised that this wasn’t the ideal place for an argument about drugs. All they needed was for the wrong person to overhear them and Cal could be in serious trouble. James didn’t want that.

To Rob’s disappointment, James didn’t get IDed, which meant he was able to buy the beer Cal had asked for, even though he didn’t really like beer. They found a table in the corner with a good view of the pool tables and started chatting idly about what they were going to do with the rest of the summer. It seemed to James as though Cal was taking ages but none of the others commented on it. 

Rob was boasting about how all the drinks would be on him in a couple of weeks when he’d won big at the races. Tina looked far from happy with the choice of conversation. She knew she was unlikely to be asked to ride Blackout and as that was what she’d always wanted, more than anything in the world, Rob’s choice of conversation did seem a bit insensitive. 

“Who’s going to ride Blackout?” Annie asked, putting her foot in it as usual and James suddenly remembered what Cal had said to him about the horse and how it could help them.

“Tina should ride Blackout,” he said. “I think she’s ready and no-one can ride Blackout like Tina.”

Tina’s smile was full of gratitude. “Thanks, James. I’d love to ride her but I don’t think it’ll happen.”

“Why not?” said James. “It would be great for you; great for Blackout; great for the farm. Great for Rob too. He can’t lose if you’re riding Blackout.”

Tina said no more but James didn’t miss the hope shining in her eyes and he wanted so much for her dream to come true.  
because he knew what it was like when that happened. He’d never believed his dream would come true but it had.

James couldn’t help smiling slightly as he saw Cal coming towards them but he quickly looked away and pretended he hadn’t noticed.

“Cal! Over here!” Rob called out when he saw him. “Had a nice piss? Took you long enough. Are you sure you weren’t having a shit?”

“Rob, grow up,” James said sharply, surprising the whole table. Who the fuck did Rob think he was, shouting about Cal’s bathroom habits so anyone could hear? Beneath the table, James’ hands balled into fists. He didn’t think it would be possible to punch Rob without giving the game away but at that moment he really wanted to.

Cal sat in the empty space beside James. He looked gorgeous and smelled wonderful but James could tell there was something wrong. He didn’t look unhappy or angry but he was sitting quietly now, his hands in his lap and his eyes on the table. 

“Cal, are you okay?” said Tina.

Cal gave her a quick smile. “Yeah, fine. But maybe we should go somewhere else. There’s some problem with the urinals and the toilets are blocked too. I had to go in the Ladies’.”

“Fuck! You’re not serious!” Rob was grinning all over his face. “I’m going for a piss. I might be some time.”

“You fucking arsehole,” said Tina but that didn’t stop Rob. She stared after him for a moment as though she half-expected him to come back but then she launched herself out of her seat and raced after him.

James watched them go curiously. He said nothing but he’d seen two things Tina and Rob hadn’t. Firstly, he’d been watching out for Cal and he knew he hadn’t been in the Ladies’. Secondly, when Rob had left, Cal had started tapping his fingers against the side of his glass in a manner that could only suggest agitation. 

“Isn’t this nice?” Annie said in a singsong voice. “I do love Tina and Rob but hanging out with couples can be fucking stressful. I think we’re all lucky to be single. I don’t think you two have ever had a girlfriend, have you?”

“No,” James and Cal said in unison. 

“I actually want to fix you both up with someone now,” said Annie. “It is really annoying being with couples but I think you’d both be lovely boyfriends.”

“Thanks,” said James and Cal.

Annie giggled. “Or maybe I should just fix you up with each other. You’re so cute when you say the same thing at the same time. Next thing you know, you’ll be finishing off each other’s sentences.”

“Yeah,” said Cal, his mind clearly not on the conversation. “Probably. Yeah.”

James looked at him again. He just knew something was wrong. But what could have happened to upset him?

“Cal,” James began, so softly that even he could hardly hear himself but at that moment they heard shouts. A short while later, Rob and Tina appeared. It was difficult to say which of them was more furious.

“Caleb Bray, you fucking little liar!” Rob shouted, pointing at Cal. “I nearly got fucking kicked out of here because of you. There’s nothing wrong with the men’s.”

“It was just a joke,” Cal said softly, with none of the glee he would usually have displayed.

“But it wasn’t funny!” Rob pointed his finger into Cal’s face and James somehow stopped himself from shoving Rob away. He half-expected Cal to push Rob away himself but he didn’t.

“I’m sorry.” Cal actually sounded as though he meant it. “Let’s go somewhere else. I promise I won’t play any more jokes.”

Rob looked a bit surprised. “Oh. Well. Apology accepted, mate. No harm done.”

“No harm done?” said Tina, who had made Annie move up so she could sit between her and James. “My boyfriend goes into the Ladies’ to perve on other girls and you say there’s no fucking harm done?”

“Well… at least I didn’t get kicked out,” Rob said lamely.

Tina’s eyes flashed. “I should fucking kick you out for this, Rob. We’re supposed to be together.”

“We are together!” Rob’s face was full of confusion. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

James couldn’t take anymore. He hated arguments, even when he wasn’t involved in them. “I’m just going to the… you know.”

He expected Cal to make some comment about his choice of words but Cal didn’t even move. James wondered if he’d heard.

“Excuse me, Cal,” James said a bit more loudly and Cal looked up at him. The expression in his eyes made James’ heart twinge. He must be upset about causing an argument between Rob and Tina, James thought. It was a bit of a surprise if so but maybe now Cal was happy, he wanted everyone else to be happy too.

Not that Cal looked very happy. As usual, he refused to stand up to let James out, which meant James had to push past him but there was no spark of enjoyment in his eyes this time. James just wanted to take Cal in his arms and ask what was wrong but he couldn’t. Not in front of Rob, Tina and Annie. 

He rested his hand on Cal’s shoulder as he squeezed past and hoped that would provide some consolation but he didn’t think it had.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Cal are out drinking with Tina, Rob and Annie, but only Cal has any idea of what lies in store.

Cal knew that Rob and Tina were arguing and Annie was trying to calm them down but it all seemed to be happening a long way away. All he could do was sit there and pray James wouldn’t notice what was written on the wall. 

Cal had tried to wash off his name and number. He’d tried using hot and cold tap water, liquid soap and even, in some desperation, his own spit. He’d then gone to the bar to ask if they had a marker pen he could borrow but all they’d had was an ordinary ballpoint pen. Cal had taken it anyway but it made only the smallest mark on the wall before running out of ink. He couldn’t think of a name he could change Cal to anyway. There wasn’t enough room to change it to Carl or Callum, as he’d first hoped to do.

“Cal? Are you okay?” Tina asked suddenly. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Cal said without looking at her. 

Tina hesitated, then moved into the space James had vacated. “Cal. I know it’s none of my business and you can tell me to fuck off if you like but you haven’t been yourself for ages. I thought it was getting better. The last couple of weeks you’ve been really happy. But now… it’s like there’s a cloud hanging over you and it’s just started to rain.”

Cal could see the worry on her face and he felt guilty for putting it there – as if he needed another reason to hate himself. He was touched by her concern but he knew there was nothing he could say. He couldn’t explain it to Tina any more than he could explain it to James.

Cal swallowed hard and somehow schooled his face into an expression of confusion. He even managed to laugh a bit. “This is all very sweet and everything, Tin-Tin, but what the fuck are you going on about?”

“You’re okay then?” said Tina. She looked unconvinced.

“Yeah, I think so.” Cal was almost proud of how convincing he sounded. But only almost. He hadn’t felt proud of himself for a long time. Not properly. How could he when he was a-

“Jimjams!” Rob shouted suddenly. He stood up and waved his arms and generally made himself look like a moron. “Over here, Jimjams!” He laughed; then turned to the others. “What a twat: he’s forgotten where our table is. Hey! Jimjams!”

Cal finally found the courage to look. James had already walked past them and nearly walked into a guy coming the other way. The guy put his hand on James’ arm as though he was apologising but James shoved him out of the way.

“Fuck! What’s wrong with him?” said Rob.

“I… I’ll go and see if he’s okay,” Cal mumbled. He knew it probably wouldn’t do any good: why should James listen to anything he said? But Cal knew he could be about to lose the guy he loved more than anything in the world and he couldn’t just let him walk away.

Luckily, none of the others objected. Cal ran through the pub, burst through the doors and looked around for James. At first, he couldn’t see him but then he became aware of the sound of something being hit against someone else. He followed the sound and discovered James kicking and punching a car, his shoes chipping at the paint and making dents in the door.

It was so unlike James and yet exactly like him at the same time. 

“James?” Cal said as he moved closer. 

“Get away from me,” James shouted as he continued to kick the car.

“James, listen to me.” Cal held out his hand.

James swung to face him. “Why the fuck should I listen to you, you little whore?”

Cal flinched as though James had struck him and his last, desperate hopes that something else had upset James fell away and he was forced to confront the truth he’d already known. “I’m sorry, James. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry I ever laid eyes on you!” James said with another kick. He took a step closer to Cal. “Not that I ever really cared about you. How could I? Maybe it was just as much of a game to me as it was to you.”

“It wasn’t a game,” said Cal. “Not to me.”

“Shut up!” James lifted his hand and Cal felt a stinging slap to his cheek. James then grasped Cal by the shoulders and shook him. “Did you have a good laugh about me, then? When you were lying in bed with your other men? Sweet, innocent little James, completely taken in again?”

“No!” Cal cried out. “It was never like that. I love you.”

James put his face close to Cal’s “Save it for your paying customers!” He shook Cal again and pushed him away as though he disgusted him. 

It wasn’t a hard shove but it was enough to throw Cal off balance: he felt himself falling backwards and put his hand out; his wrist took his weight and buckled beneath him. Cal cried out in pain but didn’t take his eyes off James. “James, please…”

“I said shut up!” James grabbed his hands and hauled him to his feet. Cal’s wrist screamed in protest but Cal didn’t. 

He stood up straight. He felt as though he was breaking apart but he wasn’t going to let James see it happen. He knew that James was angry enough to do and say anything now but when he came to and his rage faded away, he would feel guilty for every single thing he’d said and done. Even if he never forgave Cal, and Cal was sure he wouldn’t, he would still feel terrible that he’d hurt Cal physically. Cal didn’t want James to known he’d torn him to emotional shreds as well.

“You- stupid- cheap- whore!” James said, shaking Cal again. “Thank fuck I didn’t sleep with you: that’s all I can say. God knows how many diseases you’ve got. Not that I ever wanted to sleep with you. Why did you think I always said no?”

“Because you’re a good guy,” Cal said shakily. “You are a good guy, James. I know you’ll never look at me again and I’m lucky you looked at me once but don’t do anything you’re going to regret, okay?”

“It’s a bit late for that!” said James. “I already regret every kiss; every caress; every moment with you. It all seemed like a good laugh at the time: pretending I cared about you; pretending we were going to Argentina. But now I know what filth you are…” James let go of him and jumped into the air, his leg coming up to smash the window of the car. He unlocked the door and got in, uncaring of the glass all over the driver’s seat. Cal looked inside, hoping the driver had been sensible enough not to leave his keys in the car but there they were, hanging from the ignition.

“James, don’t go!” Cal begged, gripping the sides of the window. The jagged glass cut into his fingers but he didn’t care. “You’re too upset to drive and the car isn’t yours and-”

James started up the engine. “Oh wait. I almost forgot.” James got out his wallet and took out all the money: a couple of notes and a handful of coins. He dropped it out of the window so it landed at Cal’s feet. “Your fee.”

He drove off. Cal stayed where he was looking down at the money James had thrown at him. He was vaguely aware of people shouting: he thought one of them might have said: “My car! He took my fucking car!” but he didn’t care. 

“Cal?” Someone put her arm around him. It was Tina. “Cal, are you okay?”

“Oh my fucking God!” That was Annie.

Cal tried to answer and realised he was crying. He turned and hid his face against Tina’s shoulder. He wasn’t okay and he couldn’t pretend he was. Not this time.

“Did James hurt you?” Tina asked in a shocked voice. 

“No.” Cal couldn’t tell her the truth, even now. He couldn’t blame James for anything he’d said or done. “He was punching and kicking the car but he didn’t do that to me.”

Tina patted his back as though he were a child – which he supposed he was. “Come on, Cal. Come over here.” She took him to the other side of the car park and Cal sank down onto the gravel. Tina sat beside him and hugged him. “Did he say something to you?”

“No.” Cal couldn’t tell her that either. James hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true. “I… I backed away from the car when… when he started driving and I… I fell backwards onto my wrist. It really hurts, Tina.” Cal realised this was true but his heart hurt so much more.

Tina patted him again. “We’ll go to the hospital and get it looked at. It’s going to be okay, Cal.”

“No, not the hospital,” Cal begged her. He just wanted to go home. He wanted to be all alone but then he realised that there wasn’t much chance of that if he went home. Tina would tell Eli everything and then Eli would refuse to leave him. “Your house, Tina?” he said, looking up at her. “Can we go to your house? Please?”

“Yeah, okay,” said Tina. She was still patting him and Annie was stroking his arm. Even though he wanted to be alone, Cal realised he was glad they were there. He liked to think he could handle anything but he couldn’t handle losing James. Especially not like this. Not when James must be hurting just as much as he was.

He heard another voice. Rob. “There you are! I can’t fucking believe James would… is Cal okay?”

“Does he look okay?” snapped Tina.

“He fell over,” Annie explained.

“Fell over?” The doubt was heavy in Rob’s voice and Cal could understand why. It was such a cliché, a bit like saying you’d walked into a door, and falling over didn’t usually make Cal cry.

“James started the car up and Cal got out of the way and fell over his own feet,” Annie said. “He’s hurt his wrist. Quite badly, obviously.”

Rob groaned and pulled his hands through his hair. “Oh fuck. He was actually trying to run you over?”

“No! Of course not,” Cal said through his tears. “But I was hanging onto the window…” He showed them the cuts on his fingers. “…so I had to get out of the way and I fell.” 

“Do you know why there’s money all over the floor?” Rob asked next. “Is that James’?”

“He… dropped it.” That was all Cal could manage. He buried his face in Tina’s shoulder again. He didn’t care if Rob thought he was a baby. He’d never cared much about what Rob thought and he wasn’t about to start now. Besides, everyone was allowed to cry when their whole world had fallen apart. Then he was overcome by a wave of panic. “Oh fuck, did someone go after him? He shouldn’t be driving: he’ll crash!”

“I think someone did drive after him, yeah,” said Rob. He lowered his voice slightly but Cal still heard. “You’d better take him home, Tin-Tin. The guy who owns the car has phoned the police. It’s not going to be good for James but it’s going to be worse if they see we’ve got an injured fourteen year old kid with us. You take him off down the road – opposite direction to James – and then get a taxi.”

“Right; we’ll do that.” For once, Tina seemed quite relieved Rob was there to tell her what to do. She tried to lift Cal’s head from her shoulder. “Come on, Cal. Me and Annie will take you back to my house.”

“Here.” Annie gave Cal a tissue. “I don’t know if you want to use it for the tears or the blood but either way I thought you might need it.”

Cal wiped his face with one corner, then tried to tear off some strips to wrap around his fingers but the movement sent a sharp pain through his wrist and Annie had to help him. Her hands were trembling, presumably from the shock, but she tried very hard not to hurt him. “Thanks, Annie.”

Annie gave him a hug. “Anytime. Well, when I say anytime, I obviously hope nothing like this ever happens again but if something completely different happens and you’re crying and your hands are bleeding and your wrist hurts then… actually no, it’s not very likely to happen again but… yeah… I hope you know what I mean.”

Cal tried to smile. He couldn’t do it. “I know. Thanks. I’m glad you’re here.” She wasn’t really helping him to feel better but at least she was trying to be nice. 

“We’ll go now, yeah?” Tina said very gently. “Can you stand up?”

Rob helped them get Cal to his feet. “That’s a good idea to take him back to yours, Tina. Eli will freak if he sees him like this.” He gave Cal an awkward pat on the shoulder. “You’ll be okay, mate. The girls will look after you. You might even enjoy it.”

Cal gave him an incredulous look. Even if he hadn’t been in love with James, he couldn’t imagine enjoying the fact James was about to get arrested. James was so sweet and sensitive: he’d never be able to deal with being treated as a criminal.

But there was nothing Cal could do. He couldn’t even hold his hand. James wouldn’t want him to anyway. Not now.

“Do you remember which way James went, Cal?” said Tina. Cal nodded and pointed and the three of them set off in the opposite direction. Tina and Annie kept telling Cal it was going to be all right. He wanted to tell them to shut up but he needed all his strength to keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Tina phoned for the taxi and arranged for it to meet them about quarter a mile up the road. 

“We’ll be home soon,” Annie said as they sat down beside the side of the road to wait. She put her arm around Cal. “Then we’ll make you a nice cup of hot chocolate and get you all bandaged up and then you’ll feel better.”

“For fuck’s sake, Annie. He’s not going to get over it just like that,” Tina said sharply. “He just saw James go crazy, smash up a car and then steal it. For no reason!”

“Yeah, I suppose if it was like… Rob, he wouldn’t bat an eyelid,” said Annie. “But James… oh my God. I think I’d freak out even more than Cal.”

Tina raised her voice. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Of course Rob wouldn’t do something like that. He might steal the car and smash the window to get in but he wouldn’t fucking kick it first.”

Another time, Cal might have said in a sarcastic voice that that made all the difference but he couldn’t quite imagine ever being sarcastic again. He couldn’t imagine doing anything again. Even if he could find his way through the shock and sadness that wrapped itself around him, almost smothering him, there was no point in doing anything if he didn’t have James. He put his head on his knees and felt both girls hugging him. He wished he and James hadn’t come here but he knew that even if they hadn’t, James would have found out eventually. This moment would still have happened and it would have hurt just as much.

He jumped when he heard someone’s phone ringing.

“It’s okay, Cal. It’s only Tina’s phone,” Annie said soothingly and patted him on the head. 

“It’s Rob,” Tina told them, first looking relieved, then scared. “Rob? Have they found him?... oh, that’s good. Poor James, though… fuck, that’s all he needs: why can’t she mind her own fucking business?... yes, I know she’s the fucking police: she rubs it in every chance she gets. Do you know what upset him?”

Cal held his breath even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to hear the answer and realised a small, lovesick part of him was still hoping James had told Rob he loved Cal and he’d forgiven him for everything. But he knew it wasn’t going to happen.

“Weird,” said Tina. “But then James is weird, isn’t he?”

“No, he’s not,” Cal heard himself saying. He didn’t think Tina heard but Annie gave him a funny look and asked him how many fingers she was holding up. On the phone, Rob seemed to have said the same thing as Cal.

“Yeah, I know he’s your best mate. But he’s still weird,” Tina said. Her face changed. “You’re going to do what? Why should you pay James’ fucking fine?... yeah, but what if you back the wrong horse? You won’t be getting any money then!... oh all right. Whatever. Do what the fuck you want. The taxi’s here: I’ve got to go.” Almost in the same breath, Tina continued: “We’ll all sit in the back together. You sit behind the driver, Cal, and he won’t be able to see you’ve been crying.”

They all got into the taxi. Annie’s eyes were so wide, they seemed to fill half her face. “James is getting fined?”

Tina gave a sigh. “Annie, he vandalised and stole someone’s car. I think a fine will be the least he’s going to get.”

It’s a lot more than I’ve ever got, Cal couldn’t help thinking. But of course that wasn’t quite true because Ian had given him something a lot worse than a fine. Cal’s eyes filled with tears. If only Ian had been one of the good guys. If only he’d fined Cal; ensured he wouldn’t do it again. Then there would be no need to run away. He and James could have stayed here. They could have been happy. Instead, Ian had ruined his life and now Cal had ruined James’.

He felt Tina putting her arm around him. She was the closest Cal had ever had to a sister and for a moment he thought of telling her everything. His relationship with James. Their plans to go to Argentina. The whole truth about how Cal had fucked it up. Tina had confided him after all. He’d supported her through everything that had happened with Ruth and her dad; he’d been there when her dad was dying.

But he didn’t trust her, he realised. He didn’t trust anyone but James. 

Now James had gone, he had no-one.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal and James' friends try to help.

Cal sat on Tina’s sofa and said nothing. He wasn’t crying now but there was still an ache deep inside him and he knew it would never go away.

Tina was making him a drink he didn’t want while Annie knelt in front of him and cleaned his cuts with disinfectant. “I used to be a Girl Guide, Cal, so I know lots about first aid.” She clumsily began putting plasters over the cuts. “Shit, that one’s in the wrong place. Sorry, Cal, I’ll have to tear it off again. It might hurt.”

It did hurt, just as the disinfectant had, but Cal didn’t really care about the physical pain.

“There, that’s done!” Annie put the plaster back on again. “Now I’ll do your wrist. You’re very lucky, you know, Cal. Tina fell off Blackout and sprained her wrist last year and she kept this support bandage.” 

She pushed and shoved at Cal’s hand, forcing it into the bandage that Cal was sure would have been too small even if his wrist hadn’t been swollen. Cal felt slightly sick from the pain by the time she’d finished but he didn’t care about that either.

“And I’ve got you a sling too!” Annie said triumphantly, almost as though she expected to be congratulated on the contents of Tina’s bathroom cabinet. “Did you ever play Hospitals when you were little, Cal?”

“Travellers don’t really like hospitals,” said Cal.

“No, it’s fun,” said Annie. She arranged Cal’s arm in the sling and went around the back to tie it. “Loads of guys fancy nurses. And you’re fourteen so you probably fancy anything in a skirt at the moment.”

Cal wondered how she could be so stupid but they were all stupid of course. He lifted his bad hand to wipe a tear away and was scolded by Annie, who had finally succeeded in tying a knot at the third attempt.

“Not that one, Cal. You need to rest your wrist. Use your other hand.” Annie came and sat beside him. She stared at him. “Fuck. You really are upset, aren’t you?”

Yes, they really were all stupid, Cal thought. But he was still grateful when Annie hugged him.

**  
James sat in the back of the taxi, staring out of the window. He knew he’d been lucky but he couldn’t bring himself to feel glad about anything. The driver of the car had been very angry at first, Ruth had said, but when he’d found out the name of the thief, he’d insisted on meeting him face to face. James, in his current mood, would have agreed to anything.

The owner of the car had smiled at him and held out his hand for James to shake. “You’re Jackie’s son, aren’t you? The proud owner of a beautiful horse named Blackout.” 

It turned out the man was a big admirer of the horse and was considering putting in an offer. Only a few hours ago, James would have been delighted but not anymore. If Jackie sold the horse, that lying, cheating whore would shove the contract in her face and demand half the money. Just the thought of Cal made James’ eyes fill with tears.

Blackout’s prospective owner put his hand on James’ shoulder. “James, it’s okay. I know you’re a good lad: I’m not going to hold this against you or your mum. You were out with your mates, you had a bit too much to drink… it happens to all of us. And I’ve got to take part of the responsibility for the theft. It’s never a good idea to leave your keys in your car when there are drunken kids around. Besides, all you did was drive it round the corner. You’re not a car thief. You just got a bit overexcited.”

He’d decided not to press charges and once James had agreed to pay for the repairs, a nice policeman called Ian had agreed to forget the whole thing. “But I’ll call round and see you in a day or two, James, if that’s okay. I’d like to check everything’s still okay with both of you before we completely close the case.” 

James had done his best to seem grateful but he hardly cared what happened to him now. His world had gone dark when he’d recognised Cal’s name and number and realised what it meant and James didn’t think he’d ever see the sun again. Cal was his sun. His world. But he’d turned out to be just another wanker.

“James!” Rob prodded him in the shoulder. “We’re here.” It sounded like Rob had already told him at least twice.

James got out of the taxi and walked to his front door, only to realise Rob was behind him. He looked at him, trying to find the energy to ask him to leave but Rob’s face seemed to shimmer in front of him and nothing seemed quite real. He wondered if Rob had put something in his drink and just for a moment, hope rose inside him that perhaps he’d imagined seeing Cal’s name on the wall.

But he knew he hadn’t. So many things made sense now. Cal’s absences. His half-guilty talk of other men, though of course the guilt was feigned. He hadn’t wanted James. Only Blackout and the money.

“James? Are you going to open the door?” said Rob.

James turned slowly to face him. Inside him, the tears were flowing, faster and faster. Soon they would leave his eyes and perhaps never stop. “Sorry. Thanks for bringing me home and everything. And for all your help. But I’d really like to be alone?”

Rob looked like he might argue but he didn’t. “Yeah. Being alone is okay. Being alone is good sometimes. But text me if you want company, okay?”

**  
Cal didn’t work for several days. Even if he had been able to use both hands, which was often necessary, he was too upset to do anything much except lie on the sofa and remember how happy he and James had been. But eventually, his worries about money overcame his desolation. Slowly, painfully, he was getting back into a routine.

He was staying with Annie now. Tina had told him he could stay as long as he wanted but after five minutes with her prejudiced mother, Cal had gratefully accepted Annie’s offer of a sofa to sleep on and lots of cookies. Annie spent a lot of time trying to comfort him and Tina came over every day too, sometimes staying for several hours, but neither of them had had any success in making him feel better.

It wasn’t their fault. They just had no idea. They thought Cal was feeling no more than shock and physical pain and he had no plans to enlighten them. They’d probably react as James had. Cal couldn’t cope with losing Tina and Annie too.

Cal wished he could tell them. His head was a mess of emotions which threatened to explode despite all the tears he’d already shed. The need to speak reverberated through his body. But there was only one person he could speak to; only one person who knew what he did. 

When he texted Chris to ask if they could meet, Chris told him to go to the usual place at 3pm. Cal arrived at the garages before Chris and discovered he couldn’t get onto the roof one-handed. He’d taken his sling off before leaving the house (despite everything, he was still afraid that James might see him and be worried) but his wrist wasn’t strong enough for him to climb from the car to the top of the garages. Luckily, Chris arrived a couple of minutes later and helped him.

“So you really did hurt your wrist,” Chris said when they were sitting on top of a garage, their feet dangling over the edge. “I wondered.”

“Yes, I really did hurt it,” said Cal. “And I hurt it how I said I did too so you can take that fucking look off your face.”

Chris was used to his aggression and simply ignored it. “But that’s not why you called me, is it?”

Cal’s eyes filled with tears. He shook his head.

“Is it James?” Chris asked. He knew all about James. Cal knew it bored Chris to hear about how wonderful James was but Cal didn’t have anyone else to tell.

“He found out,” Cal said baldly. He knew he didn’t need to say any more than that. “And now he hates me.” A tear escaped. He quickly wiped it away. “Sorry.”

“Do you want to tell me what he said?”

“He said I was a cheap, dirty whore and he never really loved me: it was all just a game to him but that hasn’t changed my feelings for him at all.” Cal laughed without humour; it sounded more like a sob. “I’m fucked up, Chris. All because of some guy. What’s wrong with me? I know I can’t trust anyone: why did I trust him? Why did I let myself love him?”

Chris’ smile held no more amusement than Cal’s attempt at a laugh. “I don’t think you can stop yourself from loving someone. It just happens and it fucks you up every time. I’m lucky I don’t love anyone.”

“I just wish I didn’t,” Cal said as he wiped away another tear. “I wish I could hate him for what he said to me. But I can’t. Every word he said to me was true.”

“Did you explain to him?” asked Chris. “Why you do it?”

“No.” Cal shook his head. “You know I can’t talk about that.” He swallowed hard. “Do you know something? Even though I’ve lost him, I don’t want to do that ever again. Knowing how much he hated it; how angry he was…”

“Then what are you going to do?”

“I’ve been selling information,” Cal said. “Finding out stuff and selling it. The pay is shit but I have to get money somehow.”

Chris shook his head. “Cal, why don’t you try telling him? He might understand if he knew the reason. Text him; ask him to meet you; see how it goes.” 

“I can’t. I wish I could but I just can’t.” Cal buried his face in his hands as the tears threatened to overwhelm him. “Sorry, Chris. You can go if you want.”

“No chance,” Chris said and put his hand on Cal’s shoulder. “I’m staying. Like you used to stay with me.”

**  
Rob stood and watched as James mucked out Blackout’s stall. Tina was riding her and they could still hear her faint shouts of joy as she cantered around the track.

“Why don’t you go and watch her?” James said. 

“No, I’m good,” Rob said, leaning against the side of the stall. “But you’re not, James.”

“I’m fine.” James finished cleaning the stall and left without another glance at Rob.

Rob followed him. “Have you spoken to Cal?”

James felt the pain twist through him like a knife. Or perhaps not like a knife. Maybe more like a blender, churning up all the emotions he was only keeping at bay with an effort. 

“Why would I?”

Rob walked around him and stood in front of James. “He’s shook up pretty bad. I think you really freaked him out. He was crying and everything.”

James’ heart flipped.

He told himself he didn’t care; had no reason to care. He’d been no more than a source of money to Cal and it was very clear to James that Cal would do anything for money. “I’m sure he’s fine by now.”

“That’s not what Tina says,” said Rob. “He’s hurt as well, you know.”

“Hurt? Cal?” James managed to laugh but it sounded fake. Like Cal.

“Yeah, he cut his fingers on the car window; then he fell over backwards and sprained his wrist,” said Rob. 

Oh fuck. The world went dark for a moment. James reached out for something to steady himself but only found Rob’s hand. 

“James. Sit down, mate. It’s okay.”

“Did I hit him?” James asked in a faint voice as Rob unsuccessfully tried to get him to sit on the ground. 

Rob looked concerned. “Cal says you didn’t hit him. You just punched and hit the car Don’t you remember?”

In his mind’s eye, James saw his hand slicing through the air; connecting with Cal’s cheek. Cal had lied. James had hit him. He’d shaken him. But Cal had lied.

To protect him?

Of course not. Cal didn’t care about James. He didn’t care about anything but his own pleasure.

There would be a reason for Cal’s lie. It would all have been carefully calculated and planned, just like everything else Cal had ever done.

“I don’t know what I remember!” James shouted. His words seemed to echo around the stable and he held his hands to his head. “Just tell me. Did I knock Cal over when I drove away?”

Rob looked surprised. “No. I think Annie said he stepped backwards away from the car and fell over his own feet? Something like that.” Again, Rob tried to get James to sit down but James pushed him away roughly. “James, what’s wrong with you? This is fucked up, man.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” James put some space between them. “I’m fine.”

He turned away, hoping Rob would take the hint and fuck off but Rob had probably never taken a hint in his life. “You need to take something to calm you down, mate. I’ve got some epic new stuff you can put in a bag and inhale underwater. That should sort you out. And when we’ve done that you can go and see Cal.”

“Go and see Cal?” James almost shouted the words. “Why the fuck should I go and see Cal?”

“Tina thinks you should apologise,” Rob said with a shrug. “I don’t know why but if Tina wants you to apologise it’s usually better just to get it over with. She calms down quicker that way.”

“I don’t owe Cal anything,” James said fiercely. “Not an apology. Nothing.”

“Okay.” Rob lifted his hands to fend him off. “I’m just telling you what Tina said.”

James glared at him. “Maybe you should try having a thought in your own head instead of just going along with what Tina says.”

“Okay. I’m having a thought,” said Rob. He screwed up his face as though it really was difficult for him. “I’m thinking I should give you some space and go and watch Tina. How’s that for a thought?”

James felt some of his anger draining away. He knew Rob was only trying to help. He had no idea how insensitive he was being. He never did so James could hardly expect him to be sensitive about something he knew nothing about. “I do have to get on with stuff and I’m sure Tina would love you to watch her. So it’s a good thought.”

“I’ll try to make my next one even better,” Rob said.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James has a visitor and Cal prepares for an event for which he's really not in the mood.

James returned his work on the farm. The first few calves of the year had been born and there were horses to prepare for the upcoming race. James wasn’t much of a rider but he ensured the horses fed well and were given the right amount of exercise. It was difficult to bring himself to care but he’d been doing the jobs for years and could get on with them almost mechanically, no matter how many dark and painful thoughts were hanging heavily in his mind.

When he saw the figure out of the corner of his eye, he ignored it. It had happened so many times. He’d thought Cal was there, only to look and find he was mistaken. No-one ever was there; not even so much as a lamb.

“James.”

That wasn’t Cal speaking. It was no-one speaking. Just James’ thoughts echoing in his head.

“You are James, aren’t you? I need to talk to you.”

A hand took hold of his arm. James turned to see who it was and it really was a boy but it wasn’t Cal. “What do you want?”

“I’m Chris,” he said. “I’m a friend of Cal’s. He doesn’t know I’m here. If he did he’d have tried to stop me. But Cal’s my mate and he’s been good to me so I want to explain.”

“There’s nothing you could say that could possibly change my mind,” said James.

“Five minutes,” Chris said, holding up five fingers. “That’s all I’m asking.”

James considered telling Chris to fuck off; even considered punching him. But he did neither of those things: he just folded his arms and waited.

“Cal had a bad time when he was in the care home,” Chris began. “An awful time. A lot of us did but I think it was worse for Cal than for anyone. There was this guy.”

James didn’t want to know but the words came out anyway. “A... a boyfriend?”

Chris shook his head vehemently. “No way! Cal couldn’t stand him but he was older than Cal. He bullied him. Not just with words; physically too. Cal wanted to get away from here but for that he needed money and there aren’t many jobs a thirteen year old can do. He tried lying about his age but they wanted a reference from his school. There was only one job he could do without a reference that actually got him a decent amount of money.” Chris paused significantly, his eyes burning into James’. “You know what that was.”

So it was true then. It really was true. James turned and started to walk without knowing where he was going but Chris caught hold of his arm again and although James tried to pull away, Chris was surprisingly strong.

“Cal didn’t want to do it, James. He only wanted you. He didn’t want to be with any other guy in any way. But he didn’t know you liked him back and he needed the money.”

James reluctantly decided that he could understand it up to a point. “But after we got together…”

“Cal was seriously so happy when you got together. I’ve never seen him like that before. He never shut up about how amazing you are.” For a moment, there was amusement lurking in Chris’ eyes. But not for long. “But he didn’t know if you felt the same way as he did. Because you never told him, did you? Or only when he forced it out of you.”

“I didn’t know he loved me either,” James said defensively.

Chris looked exasperated. “Don’t tell me Cal didn’t tell you.”

James looked away. “He told me all the time. But I didn’t think he meant it.”

“You two are fucking hopeless!” Chris said in a brief moment of exasperation. But again the emotion was quickly banished. “Cal loves you, okay? But he didn’t think you loved him and he has to get out of here, with you or without you. So he kept on earning money. He hated every minute of it. He took ketamine so he wouldn’t have to feel them inside him. He often couldn’t remember what had happened but he always knew when he’d done it and he always hated himself for it because of you. And do you know what he said last time I saw him?”

“No,” James said meekly.

“He said that even though he still wants to get away, he doesn’t want to do that again because he could never do anything that upset you that much. Even though you’re not with him anymore.” Chris’ voice was harsh. “I suppose I can see where you were coming from. In any other situation, you’d probably be right to call him names and drive off and leave him. But Cal was desperate and he didn’t know if he could count on you. He had to put himself first. No-one else ever has, you see.”

“Eli puts him first.”

“Eli tries to put him first but Eli’s even more messed up than Cal,” Chris said. “Eli’s not fit to look after Cal. That’s why social services took him away. That’s how he ended up in this mess; that’s why Ian could get whatever he wanted out of him: because Eli couldn’t look after him.”

James started to defend Eli but he stopped mid-sentence as he realised Chris was right. “I suppose he does let Cal do whatever he likes and often doesn’t see him for days.”

“And that’s not right, is it?”

“No,” James admitted. It had suited them very well because it made it easier for him to spend time with Cal but that didn’t make it right. 

Chris nodded. “I’m not saying he’d be better off in care because he wasn’t but the situation he’s in now, it’s not good.” 

James was sorry for Cal. He really was. Life had been difficult for Cal for as long as James had known him. 

But that didn’t change what Cal had done. He’d hurt James and James could no longer trust him. 

“Cal needs to get away,” Chris said.

“Then he’ll have to do it without me,” James said sadly.

Chris didn’t seem able to speak for a moment or two. All he could do was stare at James in mingled anger and disbelief. “Are you serious?” Chris managed at last. “After everything I told you, James, you’d seriously fucking abandon him? Like everyone else ever did?”

James looked at the ground. “All you’ve really done is confirm everything. Cal was cheating on me. He was working as a prostitute.”

“I told you why he did that.”

“Yes, to help him get away from a bully,” James said. “But he’s out of the care home now and if someone’s bullying him, why didn’t he just tell someone? I was bullied, you know. I still am bullied. It’s shit and until I met Cal, all I ever wanted was to get away from here. But I never considered prostitution. I went to school, worked hard and got into a uni on the other side of the country. That’s how most people do it.” Chris started to say something but James spoke over him. “And don’t tell me Cal couldn’t have done that. He’s a bright kid and he’s not lacking in confidence. He could have done it another way. But he obviously didn’t want to, did he?” James’ voice hardened. “Now get off my farm before I call the police.”

**  
Cal checked his watch. There was still plenty of time before he was due to meet Tina and Annie in the woods. He didn’t know exactly what they wanted him to do: he hadn’t really listened but he knew it involved playing some sort of prank on Rob. It was the kind of thing that would usually have filled Cal with delight but it had failed to capture his interest this time. There was something on tomorrow night as well: something involving Rob and drugs and one of the barns. Cal hadn’t really paid attention to that either. He’d said he’d go just to shut them up but he wasn’t planning on going anywhere near the place.

He stopped outside the vet’s surgery and looked through the windows, trying to see if he could get a glimpse of Janine. Or Elizabeth, as she was really called but he always called her Janine as long as she co-operated and provided him with ketamine. She hadn’t expected him to remember her: their acquaintance had been so slight but Cal had known who she was straight away.

He didn’t really have a reason to take ketamine anymore but like most drugs, you couldn’t just stop taking it. The withdrawal symptoms were too severe. Cal had a feeling that part of the reason why he’d cried so much over the past week or so was because of ketamine withdrawal. 

Of course, he was devastated about James so maybe the ketamine would make no difference but he had to try to sort himself out somehow. Eli and Myrah had both asked him several times if he’d been crying (he’d told Eli he missed their mum and Myrah to mind her own fucking business) and even one of the guys he’d sold information to had asked if he was okay. He felt as though everyone was looking at him and judging him and trying to work out what was wrong (though perhaps that was just paranoia: another symptom of ketamine withdrawal) but convincing himself there was no reason to cry wasn’t easy. 

Luckily, he’d managed to avoid Eli for the last two or three days so Cal had been spared having to give further explanations but he knew that couldn’t go on forever. 

The door of the vet’s surgery opened and Cal froze. He wanted to run away; either that or walk away calmly as though he was couldn’t care less about who he’d just seen but he couldn’t move. He could only stare and think how gorgeous James looked today. He was in his farm clothes and looked dirty and shabby; there was a smear of mud on his cheek and his hair was sticking up on end but Cal just wanted to run into his arms and beg him to forgive him. And then drag him back to his caravan so they could have sex.

“Cal,” said James. “Er… hi.”

“Hi,” said Cal.

James swallowed audibly. “How are you?”

Cal was quite tempted to tell him the truth: to ram it down his stupid gorgeous sexy throat that he’d broken his heart but he managed to suppress the urge. “I’m okay.”

James was moving from one foot to the other. A long silence passed before he spoke. “Are you going to be at the barn tomorrow night?”

“I might be,” Cal said as nonchalantly as he could. “What about you?”

“I might be as well,” said James.

“Then I suppose I might see you,” Cal said. His brain told his legs it was time to walk away but his legs weren’t obeying.

“I suppose I might see you as well,” James said as though he couldn’t care less either way.

This incensed Cal and broke his heart all at once. He knew that what he’d done would have been wrong, both legally and morally, even if he hadn’t been with James. But what right did James have to push him aside without even listening to him? Cal might not have given James his history but he’d given him his heart and James _knew_ him. He should know Cal loved him too much even to look at another guy out of anything other than self-preservation.

But he didn’t know that and now Cal was going to take his revenge. 

“Tina did tell you what we’re all wearing, didn’t she?” Cal said, his eyes on James. He took a step closer (or perhaps just a half-step: Cal wasn’t sure he could cope with being any closer than that) and crossed his arms.

James looked confused. “Wearing?”

“You know,” Cal said with a reasonable attempt at sarcasm. “Clothes.” Cal moved maybe a millimetre closer to James and knew the adrenaline pumping through his body was only partly caused by James’ proximity. James wasn’t the only person who’d been hurt so why should Cal make it easy for him?

James didn’t look at Cal but his voice and the way he started trying to clean the mud out of his nails showed his nervousness. “No, Tina didn’t say anything about wearing clothes,” said James.

And that’s what gave Cal the idea. He’d been planning on asking James to wear make-up but this idea was better. Not to mention much more enjoyable from Cal’s point of view. James might agree to wear make-up but he’d probably go and ask Annie to do it for him and Cal’s plot would be discovered. But James could take his clothes off without any help from anyone. 

“That’s because we’re not,” Cal said. “Wearing clothes, I mean. It’s better without clothes. You can really feel yourself sinking in… you don’t get the full effect if you wear clothes. We’re all going to be naked so you might as well join in.”

“Right,” James said after a moment or two. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Right. Well. I’d better be going,” Cal said. “Might see you tomorrow night, then. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Cal walked away without a backward glance. He felt stronger now, he realised. Perhaps not quite invincible but nearly there. He’d seen James; he’d spoken to James and he was okay. Kind of.

Of course, the heartbreak was still there: a slight but persistent ache behind the flames of his anger but that didn’t matter as long as he could hide it. He still wanted to throw his arms around James and beg him to take him back but he knew he wouldn’t do it. He even thought he’d be able to get through tomorrow night without crying. He would have to take some ketamine to make sure but he could always try and find Janine at the surgery again after he’d been to the woods.

He could get through tomorrow night. Definitely.

But he didn’t know how he was going to get through the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prank Cal and the others are playing on Rob can be seen in one of the mini-episodes on the Glue site.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James receives some more information concerning Cal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place the afternoon before the opening scene of Glue.

James didn’t recognise him at first. It was so long since he’d last seen him and he’d almost forgotten about the car-stealing episode. He did feel horribly guilty when he thought of it but it was difficult to think of anything but Cal.

The policeman (James had forgotten his name) had come to see him a couple of days after the incident as promised but James had told him in a hurried whisper that he couldn’t talk now because his mum was just around the corner and he hadn’t actually told her about being arrested. James couldn’t have said why he’d trusted the policeman; why he’d instinctively known that he would never betray him to his own mother, but the policeman had nodded understandingly, patted James on the arm and said he’d try again at a more convenient time.

For a day or two after that, James had half-expected to see him but whatever the policeman might want to say to him was unimportant in comparison with the way he was feeling. So he’d forgotten about him completely until he’d returned to his tractor just now and discovered he was not alone.

“Hi James,” the policeman said with a friendly smile. “I thought it might be easier to come and look for you here: less chance of your mum surprising us.”

James tried to smile back. His shyness meant that chatting with an almost-stranger was difficult for him at the best of times; it was certainly not the best of times now. “Hi. I hope everything’s okay.”

“Oh yes: everything’s fine,” the policeman said reassuringly. He patted James’ arm. “Everything’s all sorted out now. I’d have come to see you sooner than this if anything had changed. I’m sorry it took me so long only we’ve been busy. I’ve been looking after a new probationer. She’s a nice girl; very intelligent; lots of promise – but they can be the most difficult of all. She can’t just keep quiet and do as she’s told: she wants to think everything out for herself. I applaud her for that, I really do but it does make my job more difficult.”

This time, James managed to smile back. Even though the policeman was technically complaining about his probationer, he did it with so much good humour and affection, James found he didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. He couldn’t help thinking the probationer was lucky to be working with someone who was so understanding. “I’m really sorry,” he said shyly, “but I’m afraid I’ve forgotten your name.”

The policeman laughed. “Sorry. It was stupid of me to assume you’d remember. I’m Ian. Ian Salter. But please call me Ian.”

Something stirred in James’ mind. He’d heard the name Ian recently. Perhaps this wasn’t altogether surprising: there was at least one other Ian in the village that James knew by sight and it was possible he was simply remembering being introduced to Ian at the police station.

That would probably explain the faint sense of foreboding. Even though James had managed to put the whole incident out of his mind (losing Cal had hurt so much more than being arrested), it had been terrifying waiting in the police station, not knowing what would happen to him. Ruth had spoken to him quite kindly and politely – with none of the smugness Tina always complained about – but James had barely listened, too shocked by both his own behaviour and Cal’s to take in what she was saying. 

“James?” Ian stepped closer. “Are you okay, mate?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” James said quickly, embarrassed that he’d zoned out. But Ian still looked concerned.

“Are you sure you’re okay, James? You look hot.”

“Well… I am,” James said, embarrassed. He wiped his shirt sleeve across his forehead. Cal liked him sweaty but he could easily imagine that some people found the sight of a sweat-soaked face disgusting.

Ian nodded. “Oh yes, believe me, James, you’re definitely hot. I’m actually a bit worried about you. Why don’t you come and sit in my car for a bit? I’m sure I’ve got something that can quench your thirst.”

James stared at him. He didn’t think there was anything wrong with what Ian had said – it was no more than concern for his welfare – and he certainly did feel rather warm, which wasn’t surprising when he’d been working in the sun for so long without a break. But that prickle of foreboding was back and he realised he was afraid.

Ian kept his hand on James’ arm as he urged him forward. “This way, James. Just around the corner.”

“I… I don’t want to take you away from your work,” James said but he found he was already moving in the direction Ian had indicated.

“No, it’s fine. I can do with a bit of a break, to be honest with you.” Ian was smiling again. “That probationer I told you about. Like I said, she’s very intelligent. Always got a million questions for me. It’s good for me in a way: it keeps me on my toes but believe me, it can get a bit wearing. I think it’s partly a gypsy thing. She was born in the gypsy camp, you know. I’ve got to know a few gypsies in my time and let me tell you they can all get a bit wearing. Ruth isn’t as bad as the others: at least she’s educated. But most of them aren’t much good for anything except stealing and prostitution.”

James stopped walking. Ian clearly wasn’t expecting this: he walked straight into the back of James, causing him to stumble forwards. But not before he’d felt something pressing against his arse.

Before Cal, James would probably have assumed it was Ian's truncheon. Now, he knew better.

“James?” Ian’s face held nothing more than concern. “Are you okay?”

“Sorry. I’m fine. I thought I heard… my mum’s car.”

Ian smiled. “No, I don’t think so. She’s right over the other side of the farm. She’s not likely to disturb us here.”

James started walking again but finally, at long last – too late? – his brain was clicking into gear.

Wasn’t it Cal’s friend Chris who had said something about a guy called Ian?

As far as James could remember, the only person Chris had mentioned other than Cal and Eli had been the guy who was bullying Cal.

And here was a guy called Ian who thought travellers were good for nothing but stealing… and prostitution. A guy who seemed to be turned on by James and was currently trying to get James into his car.

It might be a coincidence. It was probably a coincidence. But James knew he couldn’t take the risk.

But what could he do? Could he remember some pressing engagement? Could he mention that his mum was on her way up to meet him?

Or would that sound too much like resistance? Even in his terrified state, James had a feeling it would probably be better to show no resistance at all. He had to get away without making Ian suspicious… he had to seem as though he wanted it as much as Ian did. The thought turned his stomach but he knew he had to do his best.

Had Ian done this to Cal? Had this complete fucking wanker got Cal on his own and then tried to make a move on him?

The anger caused by this thought almost outweighed James’ fear but then the doubts started to creep in. What if James had got it wrong? He got so many things wrong. He couldn’t let his rage take control now. He could be wrong – and Ian could overpower James in an instant if he wanted to.

“I… I’ve left my phone in the tractor,” James said. “I’d better just run back and get it.” He continued speaking, his words quick and nervous as he moved past Ian, giving him as wide a berth as possible. “If my mum phones and I don’t answer, she’ll come charging up here looking for me. If she sees your car, she’ll know I’ve been up to something and she won’t let it go till she’s got the truth out of me and I don’t want her to know anything about this.”

He was backing away now: as soon as he’d finished speaking, he turned and sprinted down the road. Every minute, he expected to hear Ian’s voice calling his name or his hand on his arm (why had James ever thought that arm-pat was friendly?) but there was nothing. If Ian had heard the panic in James’ voice, he had obviously put it down to James’ fear of being interrupted by his mum.

Now James thought about it, there were other things about Ian that didn’t add up - for instance that he'd agreed to let the matter of the car theft and vandalism drop. Wouldn’t it be normal for the police to take the matter further, regardless of what the victim decided to do? James wasn’t sure: most of his knowledge of crime came from the box sets Rob had made him sit through. But it did seem odd.

At last the tractor came into view. James swung himself into the seat and performed an awkward three-point turn. Any kind of driving manoeuvre tended to be a bit awkward in the tractor. Matters were hardly improved when you were shaking like a leaf. The engine sounded horribly loud and James was sure Ian must be able to hear it. He kept glancing through the windows and into the mirrors, terrified that Ian would find some way of disabling the tractor so he couldn’t get away.

He wondered if this was how Cal had felt: helpless and afraid and expecting every minute to feel Ian's hand grasping at his arm or leg but he realised it would be a million times worse for Cal. James knew he had a chance of escaping. Cal knew Ian would always find him.

When the tractor was finally facing the right way, James’ relief was so strong, he felt almost light-headed. But he knew he couldn’t take even a moment to recover. He stamped down on the accelerator and sped away.

**  
When James arrived at Cal’s old care home, the girl he spoke to denied all knowledge of Chris. Even when he said he was a friend of Cal’s (he thought it better not to go into too much detail), she insisted there was no Chris living there and she didn’t know of a Cal either. But as James walked away, annoyed but determined not to give up that easily, he heard someone calling his name.

“What do you want then?” Chris asked without preamble. “I told you everything you needed to know.”

“I just need to ask one question,” James said.

Chris looked him up and down. “It’s obviously an important question if you’ve come over in that state. Or did Cal tell you you look good with hay in your hair?”

Actually, Cal had said that but James decided there was no need to share that piece of information with Chris. “Chris, you said the guy who was bullying Cal was called Ian.”

Chris gave him a guarded look. “I don’t think I mentioned any names.”

“No, you did,” James insisted. He’d been over and over the conversation in his head and the lack of any outright denial from Chris only strengthened his certainty. “You only said it once but you said Ian. And I need to know: does Ian work as a policeman?”

“How the fuck do you know that?”

“He came to see me today,” James said. “He didn’t bully me exactly but he made me feel very uncomfortable. He tried to get me into his car. And when he walked into the back of me, I felt his…” James stopped, going red. “I felt that he was… you know….aroused. Then he was saying that all most travellers were good for was stealing and prostitution. So that made me think he was talking about Cal.”

“You sound pretty convinced,” Chris said. “I don’t suppose you’d believe me if I said you were talking crap, would you?”

“No, I wouldn’t,” said James.

Chris hesitated; then nodded. “Okay. Ian was the guy who was bullying Cal. But he didn’t force him to become a prostitute. That was Cal’s decision, though it was Ian who gave him the idea. He said the same kind of thing to Cal: that sex was all he was good for. But it wasn’t just travellers. He said the same to everyone.”

James looked at Chris, realising for the first time how small and vulnerable he looked. He was probably more mature and knowledgeable about the world than James but he looked much younger than Cal. “He did it to you too, didn’t he?”

“I didn’t say that,” Chris said heatedly. “I said it wasn’t just Cal. That doesn’t mean it was me.”

James’ eyes filled with tears. He’d known this sort of thing went on in the world but he’d never expected it to happen in Overton. He’d never expected it to happen to Cal. But it wasn’t just Cal who was suffering and James knew he couldn’t rescue them all.

“James. Don’t worry about me,” said Chris. “I can take care of myself. It’s different for Cal: he has a weakness. He loves you. That’s why he couldn’t leave before. But if I wanted to leave, I could go anytime.”

“Could we tell the police?” James said desperately. “I know Cal wouldn’t want to. But I could tell them. I know Ian is the police but he’s not very high up in the force I don’t think. We could go to his superiors.”

Chris shook his head. “Wouldn’t work, James. He’s got someone higher up watching his back. Do you think we haven’t already looked into that? There’s nothing anyone can do. Cal’s terrified of him but he can’t stop him. No-one can.”

Cal. Terrified. James closed his eyes. He’d seen Cal terrified but he hadn’t realised there was a connection to make. “Cal has nightmares. He wakes up crying and shaking. Did he have those when you were in care?”

“Yeah, he did,” said Chris. “That was pretty much the only time I ever saw him cry. Until… well, until you two split up.”

The last five words held only the slightest emphasis but James felt the reproof. “Do you know what happens in his nightmares? Is it the same as what Ian did to him?”

“He’ll tell you when he’s ready,” Chris said. “If you give him the chance.” He looked at James assessingly. “I think I’ve said enough. It’s up to you now.”

He started to walk away. He was almost out of sight when James suddenly broke into a run. “Chris. Wait.”

Chris turned slowly to face him. “What?”

“Do you know anyone I could see about fake passports?” James caught his arm. “Someone who could get the job done quickly?”

For the first time since he’d met him, Chris gave a genuine smile. “Yeah. As it happens, James, I do.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 1 of Glue. James does a streak but not even that makes Cal happy.

James was upset when he resurfaced from the grain to discover the others were all fully-clothed. Even Cal had clothes on and he usually took his top off if he possibly could. 

He knew he shouldn’t really be surprised. Cal hadn’t been happy to see him yesterday and James couldn’t really blame him. He’d been horrible to Cal. Many would say Cal had deserved it and if the circumstances had been as James had imagined them to be, perhaps his reaction would have been reasonable. 

But it wasn’t like that at all and James knew he’d really hurt Cal. The boy he loved. The boy who loved him. The boy who’d already been hurt so much more than anyone ever should be.

James had done almost nothing but hurt him ever since they’d got together. He’d refused to believe Cal’s declarations of love and avoided responding to them. This had gone on for months and James could only imagine how painful it must have been for Cal. Yet he hadn’t given up. He’d gone on loving James even though he must have feared it was hopeless; he’d always been there for James when he needed someone. Always willing to listen and to hold him in his arms and reassure him that everything would be all right.

James had tried to support Cal as well. He listened when Cal complained about Eli; he comforted Cal when he’d woken up from those terrible nightmares but he knew that hadn’t been enough. Cal had suffered so much in his short life but there was much he had never told James. There could be many reasons for that of course but James believed it was at least partly because he’d never managed to make Cal feel loved.

That was what he’d always failed to do – so that was what he had to do tonight. If only Cal would give him the chance.

The others always commented on how Cal often managed to slip away without anyone seeing him go but it had never been like that for James. He was always aware of Cal’s presence so he knew when he was leaving, even when he wasn’t looking at him. James wasn’t sure how he managed to sense Cal’s departure: he often didn’t say goodbye so there was nothing to hear. But he always knew and tonight, he’d never been so glad of it.

James mumbled something about finding his clothes which made them all laugh, though he suspected they were all too high to understand what he’d said. He hurried away in the direction Cal had taken. There wasn’t time to collect his clothes. He hoped no-one would see him but if they did it couldn’t be helped. The most important thing – the only important thing – was to find Cal.

At last, he saw the small figure ahead of him, moving slowly, his head down. James covered the distance between them in a matter of seconds and was gasping for breath as he laid his hands on Cal’s shoulders.

Cal was so lost in his thoughts, he hadn’t heard James creeping up behind him. But now he spun round, his hands flung out automatically to push his assailant away. When he realised it was James, he dropped his hands and glared at him. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing sneaking up on me like that? And couldn’t you have put some fucking clothes on first?”

“I wanted to talk to you,” James said awkwardly as he put his hands over his cock.

Cal crossed his arms. His eyes were hard but he was trembling slightly. “Fine. Talk. But I can’t promise I’ll stay around and listen.”

The speech James had prepared disappeared from his mind in seconds. For a few moments, he floundered for words; Cal’s stony face did nothing to help him. “Cal… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry for what I said and what I did.”

“Are you?”

“Yes, I am,” said James. “I never should have hit you or said any of the stuff I said. I should have asked you about it. I should have listened. I really am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. But I’d really like to make it up to you, Cal. I’d like to try. Please will you come with me?”

Cal’s lip wobbled. Or perhaps he’d started to speak and changed his mind. “Why the fuck should I go anywhere with you?” he said harshly. “Why should I even look at you?”

“Well… you don’t have to,” James admitted. “And I don’t blame you for not wanting to. But the place I’m going… I think you’d want to come too.”

“How can you know that? You don’t fucking own me!” said Cal. He took a couple of shaky breaths. “Okay. I’m going now. I don’t want you to follow me. I don’t want you to speak to me. I don’t want you to come near me ever again. You said you were sorry and I’m sure you mean it but can’t you see that’s not enough?” 

James was confused. “What else do you want me to say?”

Cal’s lip definitely wobbled this time. “Just fuck off, James! Fuck off and do whatever you want to do that’s so important. You can fuck off right out of Overton for all I care.” His voice rose to a shout. “And I hope you are picking grain out of your arse for six months!”

James' eyes filled with tears as Cal disappeared into the darkness. His plan had been to keep the purpose of the meeting secret but to let Cal stand there and listen; let him slowly work out that James was getting him the fake passport he needed.

But that dream had been unrealistic. Even if he and Cal had still been together, he might have refused to go anywhere without an explanation. It had been stupid of James to think he might do so now.

The tears spilled from James' eyes but he knew he couldn't give up. He'd messed up this time but he would try again. He would be better prepared next time. He would say all the right things. He wouldn't take any drugs beforehand, no matter what Rob said. He would wear clothes.

He loved Cal and he wasn't going to let him go that easily.

The obvious course of action would be for James to go to see the guy on his own and then surprise Cal a few days later with his new passport. James knew the wait would seem endless but he would wait longer than that for Cal. He would wait a lifetime for Cal.

Or he could go after Cal now. He could tell Cal where he was going and why. After all, he didn’t know the reason for Cal’s refusal to go with James. It might be because he didn’t love James anymore. But it might be because he believed James didn’t love him.

Cal seemed so confident, so independent, so full of self-belief but he was also insecure. He’d been rejected so many times. By his mother and father. By James, every time he’d refused to sleep with him or hadn’t told him he loved him. Not so much by Eli but the fact Eli hadn’t stopped him from going into care probably had raised doubts in Cal’s mind. The care home hadn’t been able to protect him from Ian; he couldn’t even rely on the police. 

But it wasn’t just that, James realised. Cal probably didn’t believe in himself either if he’d thought prostitution was the only course open to him. It was difficult getting a job when you were thirteen or fourteen but he was sure Cal would have been able to convince prospective employers that he was sixteen and capable. Or he could have become self-employed, as many travellers were. Cal was intelligent and he could tell when people were lying to him. He was more articulate than he pretended to be; his spelling was better than Rob’s and no worse than Tina’s. There was a lot Cal could have done but he’d chosen prostitution because he’d thought that was his only hope.

Poor Cal. Poor frightened, confused, lost, mixed-up little Cal.

All James wanted now was to go after him. He would tell Cal everything and then just hope he would see how much he loved him. No: it was no use just expecting Cal to see his love. He had to _tell Cal_. Cal could usually read people better than he could read a book (and there was nothing wrong with his reading skills) but it was different with the person you loved; the person you were afraid didn’t love you. You couldn’t be logical and clear-minded where love was concerned. Not even if you were Cal.

Cal was probably some way ahead of him by now. James had no way of knowing where he had gone. He‘d been almost running when he’d left so he might have covered quite a distance and gone in any direction. James would willingly have spent the whole night searching for him but if he spent too much time looking for Cal, he would be too late to meet the guy about Cal’s passport. And of course, before he could do that, he needed to get dressed.

James stood and wavered. Making decisions had never come easily to him and this wasn’t just a question of making the right decision for himself. He had to make the right decision for Cal. He could tell Cal he loved him tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. The passport guy might only wait around for ten minutes or so. 

It all boiled down to a choice between his head and his heart. 

**  
Cal didn’t know if he was more annoyed with James or with himself. He didn’t know what James expected, acting all mysterious and demanding that Cal followed him without any explanation. He didn’t know why James couldn’t just have just told Cal where he was going.

James had apologised; he’d said most of the right things but he still hadn’t told Cal he loved him. He hadn’t looked as though he was talking to the person he wanted to be with. His apology had been so stilted; so cold. He’d said he wanted to make it up to Cal but that could mean anything. 

He couldn’t entirely blame James, though. Cal had played an embarrassing trick on him. He’d made him look stupid in front of all their friends. Then, when James had tried to talk to him, Cal had shouted at him and told him to fuck off. He’d hardly given James the chance to say anything. He certainly hadn’t done anything to suggest words of love would be welcomed.

I fucked up again, Cal thought sadly as he wandered through the fields, hardly knowing where he was going. Every time I talk to him I fuck up more.

**  
James had made his decision.

It had probably taken him a good five minutes but he knew now what he needed to do.

He stopped at the place he thought he’d left his clothes and was relieved to discover he’d gone to the right place. He couldn’t find his pants – perhaps Rob and the others had come this way – but he didn’t worry about that. At any other time, James would have been embarrassed about doing something so important without any underwear on but now he realised it just didn’t matter. 

If he was lucky, it might even make Cal proud. 

He wanted to make Cal proud. He really did.

But there was something he wanted so much more than that.

He wanted to make Cal happy.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James tries to do the right thing and Cal sees someone he didn't expect to see.

“I didn’t expect to see you,” Cal said. There was a hardness in his voice that almost masked the underlying uncertainty but his voice still trembled. “I told you not to follow me.”

“I didn’t have a lot of choice, Cal. I forgot something. Something important.”

Cal gave an audible intake of breath. “What was that?”

“I forgot to tell you I love you.”

Cal’s voice squeaked. “What?”

“I love you, Cal,” said James. He hadn’t planned a speech this time and made no attempt to remember the last one but the words came easily, slipping from his tongue out into the night air. “I’ve loved you for a long time. And I’m so, so sorry for the things I said to you. I know you wouldn’t have done what you did unless you really felt you had to. I hope you won’t have to do it again because it must be so awful for you but if you do, I won’t hurt you again. I’ll be there for you. I’ll do everything I can to support you; take care of you. With this and with everything else you do. That’s all I want: to be there whenever you need me and even when you don’t. Because I love you, Caleb Bray. More than anything in the world.”

Cal was clearly struggling to speak. His voice was choked and it took him a few attempts but he didn’t give up. “I… I… I l-love you t-too, James W-warwick.” Then he put his arms around James and held on tightly.

James hugged him back, his eyes filling with tears of happiness. He hadn’t lost Cal. Cal was in his arms right now and they loved each other. He stroked Cal’s hair, marvelling at the softness of it. He lowered his head and breathed in the scent. 

Cal. His Cal.

There was so much James wanted to say but he had a lifetime in which to say it. Now, they had to think of their future: a future in which Cal would be safe. “Cal, I’d like to stay here and cuddle you for the rest of the night. And the whole of tomorrow. And the whole of tomorrow night. And-”

Cal laughed shakily. “Get to the point.”

“Okay. Yes. Right,” said James, blinking hard. “I’m supposed to be meeting someone and I really hope you’ll come with me. Partly because I don’t want to be away from you but I’d also like you to be there because this guy does fake passports and I’m going to ask him to make one for you.”

“James!” Cal lifted his head from James’ shoulder and stared at him. “You seriously did that for me?”

James nodded. “I’m sorry I made you wait so long.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s not too late.” Cal wound his arms around James’ neck and kissed him softly and sweetly; almost tentatively, his eyes filled with wonder. Then a worried look came into his eyes and he pulled away. “It’s not too late, is it? He will still be there?”

“Actually, he won’t be there for about an hour but we should probably leave now,” James said. “I don’t want to risk taking the tractor so we’ll have to walk. I hope that’s okay.”

"Of course it’s okay. Why wouldn’t it be?” Cal smiled lovingly at James. “Let’s go then, pisliskurjéya. I love you.”

“I love you too, Cal. So much.” James put his arm around Cal. Cal’s arm curled around James’ waist and tightened for a moment as their gazes met. For a moment they just smiled; then together they began to walk.

**  
It was almost dawn when they returned. James felt exhausted and although Cal hadn’t mentioned being tired, he was leaning against James and he kept yawning. James had given the passport guy a photograph of Cal and the details they wanted him to use and he’d promised to phone James when the passport was ready.

They’d talked a lot as they walked but not about the past. Cal said he wanted to focus on the future tonight and James had no wish to deny Cal anything. Especially when Cal was smiling at him with that unusually tender look in his eyes. Why would James want to mention anything that would make Cal’s smile disappear? James wanted to know everything about Cal but he was willing to wait. 

“I’m sorry, Cal, but I need to get back to the farm,” James said when they reached the camp. “We have a shed full of cows about to give birth. I was supposed to be there a couple of hours ago. Will you be okay?”

Cal looked like he was struggling to keep his eyes open. “Don’t worry: I’m sure I can manage to get into my caravan by myself. I’m a big boy, you know, James. I should be eighteen by next week!”

“And I suppose I’ll be eighteen tomorrow,” James replied.

Cal cuddled closer to him. “I can’t wait to see you open all the presents I’ve got you.”

“You got me presents, plural?" James said as he gently stroked Cal's face. "I mean, you got me more than one present?”

Cal scowled at him. “I know what plural means, you twat! I’m not a complete moron. I was listening the last time you explained it to me.”

“That makes a change,” James replied.

“You’re a very mean boyfriend,” said Cal. He pretended to pout but then he smiled. “I wouldn’t swap you for anyone else, though.”

“I wouldn’t swap you either.” James felt Cal clinging to him, showering kisses upon James’ mouth, and he wondered how he could ever have doubted Cal’s love for him. It all seemed so obvious now in everything he did.

“Voliv tu, pisliskurjéya,” Cal whispered.

“I love you too,” James replied. He thought he’d never tire of seeing Cal’s response to these words. He smiled so hard, James was worried it might hurt and his eyes seemed to glow with happiness.

"I hope the cows are okay," Cal said. "If they're not, don't let your mum upset you okay? But if she does, promise you'll phone me?"

"I promise," said James.

They shared another kiss and then they parted, James’ eyes full of happy tears and his mind full of Cal. As he walked he could still hear the echo of the many lovely things Cal had said to him (there were some less complimentary things as well but James thought he was mostly joking) and when he first heard Cal’s voice calling to him, he thought he’d imagined it. But then he realised the sound was getting closer and a hand touched his arm and he turned to face Cal.

He was trembling and pale. “James, I can’t find our tickets.” 

James caught him close. “Fuck. Are you sure you didn’t put them somewhere else?”

He expected Cal to snap at him but instead he shook his head. “I’m sure. They’re gone, James. Lots of things have been moved.” His voice wobbled. “What are we going to do?”

James felt his eyes stinging in sympathy but he knew he had to stay strong. Yesterday, Cal would probably have kept his feelings hidden but it was different now he knew James loved him. He wasn’t afraid to hold onto James and ask for help and comfort. 

“Cal, it’s all right,” James said, hugging him. “We’ll ask the airline company to send us replacement tickets. I bet people lose their tickets all the time.”

Cal’s eyes were wild. “But whoever took them knows where we’re going and when the flight is and I just know it’s Eli. He’ll stop us. He’ll tell them how old I am really. Then I’ll never get away. I’ll be stuck here forever and Eli will take out a restraining order so you can’t see me and-”

“Shh, Cal.” James cupped a hand against his cheek, his eyes holding Cal’s. “That’s not going to happen. I won’t let it.” James didn’t know how he was staying so calm. Perhaps it was because Cal wasn’t. “We’ll work something out, love. Maybe we could exchange the tickets for another flight. But try not to worry now. Go back home and get some sleep and I’ll phone you later.”

“I’m not going back there!” Cal said almost hysterically. “I locked the door, James. So Eli must have a way of getting in and that means he can get in anytime he wants.” His eyes filled with tears as he asked: “James, why can’t anything just go right for us?”

James held him close and stroked his hair. It was horrible seeing Cal so upset but at the same time James felt glad Cal had someone to go to now when he needed someone. Someone he could trust. Someone who loved him more than anything and was no longer afraid to tell him so. “Oh Cal. Don’t cry. I’m sure everything will go right for us eventually but moving house is always complicated. Not everything will go smoothly but that doesn’t mean it won’t work out. And you don’t have to go back to your caravan if you don’t want to. You can come back with me.” He kissed Cal’s hair. “I’m sure you’ll feel a bit better once you’ve had a sleep. It sounds stupid but it does seem to work.” 

“Really?” Cal said in a small voice.

“A lot of the time,” James said. “Everything is more difficult when you’re tired.”

Cal lifted his head from James’ shoulder and wiped his eyes. “Sorry James. I was overreacting. I’m fine now.”

“You weren’t overreacting,” said James. “You’re a lot calmer than I’d have been if the tickets had been stolen from my house. Can you imagine the fuss I’d make?” He gave Cal a gentle kiss. “Come on, love. Come back to the farm with me and you can have a nap in the stables. Then, once my mum’s up, you can have a proper sleep in my bed.”

Cal nodded, though he still looked worried. “You need to sleep too, James. You look tired. In a completely hot sort of way. I bet you got up earlier than I did too.”

“I’ll sleep as soon as I can,” James said. “In the meantime, I’ll keep thinking about Eli and the tickets; see if I can think what to do. You can think about it too when you wake up. We won’t give up, love. I promise.” He put his arms around Cal and held him close for a moment. “I love you, Cal. I’m never going to let you go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't mind what I've done with the story. I just wanted James and Cal to be happy.
> 
> The story doesn't end here. Cal is alive but he and James have more problems to face. I really hope you'll all continue to read it. Thank you very much for reading the first thirteen chapters and for being so lovely about them.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Cal walk back to the stables and find someone waiting for them.

“What the fuck?” Cal didn’t know how he managed to keep his voice to a whisper. He clutched at James’ arm. “Do you think he’s waiting for me?”

“How would he know you were with me?” James said in a soothing whisper as he led Cal away from the stall where his brother lay sleeping.

“The tickets have our names on,” Cal reminded him. “We should have booked my ticket in a different name like I said.”

“Eli would probably still have worked it out,” said James. “The tickets were in your caravan.”

Cal let his head drop onto James’ shoulder. “What are we going to do?”

“Well… I suppose…”

“What?” Cal said urgently. He lifted his head, looking up at James. 

“Eli probably has the tickets with him,” James said. “Maybe we could take them without waking him up.”

“But what if we do wake him up?” said Cal. “Eli wouldn’t stay asleep if someone started going through his pockets.” He tried to think. Thinking was difficult when he was so upset and scared but it would be unfair to leave it all to James. They loved each other and they had to work things out together. “I suppose we could… no, we couldn’t.”

“You won’t know if you don’t tell me,” said James.

“I was wondering if we could get Rob to give him some sort of drug while he’s asleep,” Cal said and almost smiled at the disapproving look he’d known would be on James’ face. “You know: one of those drugs he puts on a cloth and makes you inhale?”

James shook his head. “We can’t, Cal. Rob wouldn’t know how much to give him. It’s dangerous enough when you’re awake. Rob usually takes it away when you stop struggling but Eli won’t struggle if he’s asleep.”

Cal had to admit he was right. Too high a dose could kill Eli. They couldn’t take a risk like that. He held onto James’ hand as he thought some more. He told himself he was feeling calmer now; more like himself. He could deal with this as long as he had James.

He told himself he’d be able to deal with this even if he didn’t have James. But he was so glad James was here.

“Couldn’t we just wait for him to wake up and then see what he says?” James said tentatively. “He might even be happy for you to go with me. Especially if we tell him about what’s been happening to you.”

Cal gasped. “What’s been happening to me? What are you talking about?” James couldn’t _know_ , could he?

“I don’t know exactly what’s happened,” James said quickly. “I know a policeman called Ian has been bullying you and possibly trying to make a move on you.”

Cal felt himself relaxing. James didn’t know everything. That was good.

But did that mean he could never tell him? 

All at once, Cal realised he did want James to know. He couldn’t be truly happy unless James knew everything and loved him in spite of it. Cal didn’t think James would stop loving him but until James knew the whole story, Cal could never be sure. 

James put his arm around Cal’s shoulders. “You don’t have to tell me about it, Cal. I hope you will one day but that doesn’t have to be now. I know he hurt you. I know that’s why you have those nightmares. And I really want to kill him for that. The only thing that’s stopping me is that I’d go to prison and then I couldn’t be with you. I can’t rescue you from Ian if I’m locked away in prison.”

“Rescue me?” Cal wrinkled his nose. He actually quite liked the idea of James rescuing him but he didn’t want to admit it. 

“And you won’t be able to rescue me from my mum if I’m locked up in prison where she can visit me and rant at me anytime she wants,” said James. 

Cal relaxed slightly. He was perfectly happy for James to rescue him if he got to rescue James too. “I will tell you, James. Soon. I’ll try to tell you soon. It’s not going to be easy but I love you and I want you to know everything.”

“I’ll be ready to listen whenever you’re ready to tell me,” James said. “And I love you too.” He gave Cal a kiss. “Why don’t you have a sleep now, love? I’ll come and wake you up as soon as it’s safe to let you in the house. I can’t do it now because my mum always goes into my room to check I’ve got up.”

Cal cuddled closer to James. He wasn’t sure he wanted to sleep now. The fright over the tickets had woken him up a bit and it worried him to know that Eli was asleep only a few metres away. But his head did feel heavy and his whole body seemed to be aching from the long walk, the many emotions he’d experienced that day, and probably also the drugs he’d taken earlier with Janine. “Okay. I’ll try to sleep.”

“I won’t be far away,” promised James. “If you need me, just phone or send me a text and I’ll be right there.” He stroked Cal’s hair away from his face. “And if I need you, I’ll do exactly the same thing.”

**  
James knew there was something wrong as soon as he saw the cow. He phoned Janine straight away and she promised to be there as quickly as she could. Jackie arrived a short while after the vet. James had to confess that he’d been late getting to work (though he let his mum believe it was because he’d overslept) and Jackie, predictably, had been furious.

James knew she had every right to be on this occasion but that never prepared him for how much it hurt. All he wanted was to make her happy and proud but nothing he did was right. He wished he could go and speak to Cal – he knew Cal would make him feel better - but he decided to let him sleep. Cal was tired and overwrought and James didn’t want to go running to Cal every time he was upset. He had to learn to deal with things on his own, as Cal did. 

Once she’d finished making James feel like a complete waste of space, Jackie asked him (no, she didn’t ask: she told him) to bring in some hay bales that had got wet in last night’s rain. Even though he was upset, James managed a little smile as he remembered sheltering under a tree with Cal until the rain had stopped. The tree hadn’t protected them from the rain very well and in between kisses, Cal had kept making comments about how ‘wet’ he was. 

James had just picked up the first hay bale when he heard raised, angry voices. One of them was Cal’s. The other was Eli’s. Eli was shouting something about ‘two grand’; Cal’s voice was shrill but James understood what he said. “Let go, Eli! Let go of me!”

James dropped the bale and ran back to the stables. The scene in front of him shocked him so much, his whole body seemed to freeze. Eli was holding Cal by the shoulders and shaking him. As James watched, they both lost their balance and they grappled for a moment, Eli holding Cal face down in the dirt.

“Get off him!” James shouted. He grabbed hold of Eli’s shoulders and tried to pull him away from Cal but Eli was too strong for him. “Leave him alone! You’re hurting him!”

“You’re the one who should be leaving him alone!” Eli shouted back but he didn’t let go of Cal. 

James swung a fist at Eli’s jaw. Eli reeled and fell on top of Cal, who yelped in pain. James hauled Eli to his feet and prepared to hit him again but it was Eli who struck first, though James ducked just in time and took the blow on his shoulder. It stung but James hung on grimly, swinging Eli away from Cal and shoving him backwards. Eli came at him again and James saw stars as Eli’s fist connected with his chin. He felt Eli seize him roughly by the shoulders; then as he prepared for Eli to deliver the knockout blow he heard a cry of alarm (Cal?), running footsteps and shocked voices.

A second later, Dominic and Tina were there, grabbing Eli by the arms and dragging him away from James. Eli was still shouting and squirming, trying to get away from them and Dominic was speaking sharply; sternly but with little effect. James waited a moment to be sure Eli wasn’t likely to break away and attack Cal again but Dominic and Tina were holding him firmly. 

James ran over to Cal, who was sitting up now. There was a scratch on his forehead, which also had specks of dirt on it but beneath the dirt Cal’s face was white and he was shaking. James dropped to his knees and put his arm around Cal’s shoulders. “Are you hurt?”

“No,” Cal whispered. Then he put his arms tightly around James and began to cry.

James felt angry: so furiously angry and for a moment all he wanted was to take hold of Eli and punch him again and again. But Cal was clinging to him and James knew he mustn’t let go. “It’s okay, Cal. It’s going to be okay. Dominic and Tina have got Eli. I won’t let him hurt you, love.”

He heard Tina speaking to Eli, her voice first angry and confused, then gentle. “Eli, what the fuck’s wrong with you? He’s your little brother! It’s okay, Eli. It’s going to be okay. Just calm down.”

Eli spoke in a low but strained voice. “He was trying to run away with him, Tina. He was trying to run away with my little brother! I didn’t mean to hurt Cal. It was James I wanted to see.”

“Come on, Cal. I’ll take you inside.” James helped Cal up and kept hold of him. “Can you walk, love?” Cal nodded. James wiped Cal’s tears away with his fingers and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

Tina was staring at them both in amazement. “You mean you two are…”

James turned to face her. She looked shocked but not disgusted. “We love each other, Tina.” Without offering any further explanation, he guided Cal towards the house.

“He’s fourteen years old!” Eli was shouting after him. “How could you, James? How could you do that to a kid?”

“Eli, we don’t know they’ve done anything,” Tina said. “I know it’s been a shock for you. Cal’s your baby brother. But I’m sure James would never hurt him.”

“Of course I wouldn’t,” James called over his shoulder. “I love Cal.” He was tempted to add that the only person around here who’d hurt Cal was Eli but he didn’t want to say anything that might upset Cal further. Cal was the bravest and strongest person he knew but he’d had to cope with so much. He’d effectively lost both his parents; he’d been abused and now his brother had attacked him. Not even James had treated him well.

_I love you, Cal. I’ll try to look after you properly this time. I can’t promise no-one else will hurt you but I’ll do everything I can to ensure you don’t shed any more tears over me._

Once they were inside the house, they sat on the sofa together. James rocked Cal in his arms and felt close to tears himself. “It’s going to be okay, Cal. I promise. I love you and I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. You’re safe now, love.”

“How am I safe?” Cal burst out. “He held me on the ground, James. He held me on the ground and I couldn’t get away.”

James held him more tightly. “He won’t do that again, Cal. I won’t let him.”

“I can’t do this anymore.” Cal began to sob. “I’m sorry, James. I can’t.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James comforts Cal after the incident with Eli.

James couldn’t speak for a moment or two. It hurt too much. But when he did speak he kept his voice gentle for Cal. “You want to break up, love?”

“No!” Cal said at once. “Of course not! I just… I didn’t mean… I love you, James. Of course I want to be with you. I just… it’s too much, James. I can’t deal with this anymore. I always told myself I’d… that I’d deal with everything that happened to me. But I… I can’t. Not anymore.”

“You don’t have to deal with anything on your own,” James said unsteadily. “You’ve got me. I love you and I’ll always be here.”

“I just… I just can’t believe Eli… well he does get really intense sometimes and it scares me but I never thought… oh fuck…” Cal closed his eyes and trembled from head to foot.

James realised with shock that he’d seen Cal like this before. He’d seen him terrified; almost hysterical with fear. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Cal must have sensed a change in him: he lifted his head. He stopped gripping James’ shoulder almost painfully and started caressing it instead. “James? What is it, pisliskurjéya? Are you okay?”

It was touching that Cal was concerned for James even when he was completely distraught but it was little comfort for James. He wanted to clutch Cal to him even more tightly but he forced his body to relax. He didn’t want to frighten Cal as Eli had done. “That policeman. Ian. He did that to you, didn’t he? He held you down and hurt you?”

Cal dropped his head. There was a pause; then he nodded, his tears silent now.

“Oh my poor love. I’m sorry, Cal.” James couldn’t stop his voice from shaking now as he watched the tears running down Cal’s cheeks. James gently wiped them away but they were quickly replaced. “I’m so sorry.”

Cal rested his head against James’ shoulder. “No, I’m sorry,” he said brokenly. “I shouldn’t have told you. I don’t ever want to upset you.”

James blinked tears from his own eyes. “No, Cal, I’m glad you told me. You know how you always make me tell you when there’s something wrong? That works both ways. I’m glad I know what happened.”

“No. You don’t know. Not everything.” Cal’s shoulders started to shake. “But I don’t …”

“You can tell me when you’re ready,” James said and kissed Cal’s forehead. “I’ll always be ready to listen.”

Cal sniffed. “Don’t want to tell you bad things.”

“I know, love. But bad things happen,” said James. “And you can’t deal with them on your own.”

“I used to be able to,” Cal sobbed. “I used to be strong. But now…”

James stroked his hair. “You’re still strong, Cal. You’re very strong. But every time something bad happens to you, it’s like a weight that presses down on your shoulders. A weight that doesn’t go away. It just gets heavier and heavier. Eventually, it’s going to be too much for you and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. I think most people would react like this if their brother attacked them, even if they hadn’t already gone through the same thing with someone else.”

“It wasn’t really exactly the same thing,” Cal said through more tears. “But it was bad, James. It was worse. He… he… I can’t...”

“Then we’ll wait, Cal. We’ll wait till you’re ready.” Again, James produced that calm, kind voice that couldn’t really be his. Not when he was feeling so completely devastated. 

He knew what Cal was saying. He’d known for a long time what must have happened to Cal but he hadn’t wanted to believe it. He’d tried to convince himself that he’d misunderstood Chris; that all Ian had done was make Cal take his clothes off or something. Even that thought had been horrific. But now he couldn’t deny the truth anymore. Even though Cal hadn’t confirmed it in words, James knew. He could tell from the look of shame in Cal’s eyes. 

“I love you,” Cal said tremulously. “I’m glad you’re here.” 

James stroked his hair. “I love you too, Cal, and there’s nowhere else I want to be.”

“Nowhere else I want to be either,” sniffed Cal. “The only thing I want is you. Just you. I don’t want loads of money or a massive caravan or even Harry Styles naked in my bed. If he tried anything like that I’d fucking kick him out anyway because I’ve got you. You’re all I want, James. The only thing I want in all the world. The only thing I’ve ever wanted. The only thing I _could_ ever want. Though actually I do kind of want a tissue. But I could do without that if I had to. I couldn’t do without you.”

James smiled and was quite surprised to find he still could. “I couldn’t have done anything about Harry Styles or those other things but I think I can stretch to a tissue. And I do mean stretch. I don’t know if my arm’s long enough to reach from here and there’s no way I’m letting go of you.”

“No, it’s okay,” Cal said, sounding slightly calmer. “You can let go of me. Just don’t take all day about it.”

James was as quick as he could be. “There you are, Cal.”

“Thanks, James.”

“You’re welcome, love.” James settled back down on the sofa; Cal curled up beside him with his knees resting against James’ thighs. James put his arm around him and held him as Cal mopped up his tears.

“So glad you’re here,” Cal murmured. “You’re all I’ve got now, James. I haven’t got Eli anymore. Not after what he did. Tina obviously loves him so she’ll be on his side. Annie will go along with whatever Tina does. Rob never liked me though to be fair I don’t like him either: I only put up with him for your sake.” Cal stared in the direction of the window though James didn’t think he was looking at anything really. “I always thought I didn’t need anyone but it’s not true. I need you. If you weren’t with me now… if you hadn’t been there when Eli… oh fuck, James…” Cal started to shake again.

“But I was there,” James said and held Cal closer to him until the trembling had abated. “It’s okay, love.”

“Sorry,” Cal said. “I’m being stupid.”

James kissed his cheek. “Of course you’re not. I actually think you’re being very brave.”

Cal looked at him for a moment. “You really mean that, don’t you?”

“Yes. I do mean it.” James kissed him again. 

“I’m not brave. I’m making you look calm and unemotional.”

James almost managed a smile. “I wouldn’t go quite that far. Are you sure Eli didn’t hurt you?”

Cal shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“You’ve got a scratch.” James touched it very gently and Cal flinched.

“It’s okay. You’ve got a bruise on your chin though,” Cal said. His voice rose. “Did my brother do that? I’ll fucking kill him.”

James stroked his hair. “It’s fine. I’d actually forgotten about it. I’m just glad I got to you in time. Besides, I think I deserve it after what I did to you.”

Cal’s eyes opened wide as though he really had no idea what James was talking about. “What did you do? You saved me.”

“I pushed you over and hurt you when we… the day we broke up,” James reminded him. “I hit you. I shook you. I did everything Eli did. It would be unforgiveable anyway but it must have terrified you.”

Cal shook his head. “You didn't hold me down. That was the worst part. But I wasn’t scared of you. I was just devastated because I thought I’d lost you. With Eli… I don’t know. He was so out of control and I didn’t know where he’d stop. But I don’t blame you for anything you did to me. I hurt you. I’d been… you know what I was doing.” His chin dropped onto his chest. 

James hesitated: he wasn’t sure how much he should admit to knowing. “But I should have known you had a good reason for that.”

Cal didn’t lift his head. “You might not think it was a good reason when I tell you.”

“I’m sure I will,” said James. He gently turned Cal’s face towards his. “If you’re ready tell me about it now, Cal, I’m here. If not, there’s no hurry. We’ve got the rest of our lives, I hope.”

Cal hid his face against James’ shoulder. “I hope so too, James. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“So am I, Cal. And I’m not going anywhere. You’re safe with-” He stopped as a figure appeared in the doorway.

“James, what the hell do you think you’re doing? First, you kill one of our best cows – and we’ll have to send the calf for meat so I could say you’ve killed that too – and then I find you…” Her eyes slid scornfully over Cal. “…babysitting when you should be working.”

“He didn’t kill-” Cal began hotly but James gave him a warning look and spoke over him.

“I’m sorry but I can’t work at the moment,” he said evenly. “I have to look after Cal.”

“He doesn’t need looking after! Or not by you.” Jackie’s voice grew cold as she spoke to Cal. “Stop snivelling and go home. You boys are all the same. You, James, Eli... Why don’t boys grow up into men anymore?” Her gaze swivelled back to James. “Not that your father was any better than you. Or your father either, Cal, from what I’ve heard.”

“Kúrva!” Cal said under his breath but he managed to refrain from saying anything more.

James stared at Jackie in disbelief. “Mum, Cal’s brother just attacked him. How can he go back home after what Eli just did to him? I know the farm is the most important thing in your life, more important even than your son, but have a bit of fucking compassion! Cal is going to stay here until I’m satisfied he’s feeling calm enough to leave – and until he has somewhere to go where I know he’ll be safe. And if you don’t like it… well, then we’ll both leave. Together.”

Jackie sneered at him. “You’ll leave together? Really, James? I’d like to see you managing in a dirty little caravan without electricity or running water and no-one who can read or write for miles.”

“Zha ka o beng,” Cal said quietly. 

“I can see you don’t know very much about travellers,” James said angrily. “Look, I’ve told you what I’m going to do and I am actually doing my duty to the farm, as well as to Cal. Cal was attacked by one of our employees on our land. If you want him to press charges you’re going the right way about it.”

Jackie remained unmoved. “The police wouldn’t listen to a gypsy.”

“They listened to Ruth Rosen long enough to offer her a job,” James reminded her. “And they’ll listen to me too. I’m a witness: I saw the whole thing.” He was bluffing, of course. He knew the police couldn’t be trusted. But Jackie didn’t. 

Jackie’s whole face was transfixed with rage but there was nothing she could do and she knew it. “Right: I’ll deal with you later,” she said at last. “When I’ve finished doing your work and Eli’s as well as my own.”

She stormed out. James closed his eyes briefly, knowing that she’d be able to say whatever she wanted when Cal was gone. And that was another problem: James needed to find a place for Cal to live. He’d thought about asking Cal to move in with him but the conversation with Jackie had changed his mind. 

He opened his eyes to find Cal gazing at him with an awed expression. “James, that was amazing! I can’t believe you said all that to her. I’m so proud of you.” Cal paused and then his voice was awed too. “And you did it for me.”

James realised he was proud of himself, though he couldn’t feel happy when he looked at Cal’s red, swollen eyes. “I love you. I couldn’t let her speak to you like that.” He touched Cal’s tearstained cheek. “And I didn’t mean it about going to the police. I’d never do that to you.”

“No, I got that,” Cal said with a wobbly smile. “Are you okay? I hated the way she was talking to you but I was worried it might make it worse if I said something she could actually understand.”

“I’m fine, Cal.” James held his forehead against Cal’s. “And you were perfect. I knew you were there for me.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “You were everything I needed. And you always will be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kúrva means bitch.
> 
> Zha ka o beng means go to hell or more literally go to the devil. Beng originally meant frog.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Cal have another visitor.

They were kissing when Tina arrived. They weren’t sure how long she’d been there but they stopped hurriedly when they heard her clearing her throat.

“Sorry, Tina, we didn’t see you,” James said, embarrassed.

“Obviously not,” Tina said. “Don’t worry. I haven’t been here long.” She leaned against the doorframe and looked at them, a smile on her face. "I do think you’re cute together. I don’t know how I didn’t see it. You get on so well and you’re both so completely uninterested in girls… but I just thought you were just too shy, James, and I thought you weren’t into girls yet, Cal.”

“Tina,” said Cal. He wasn’t smiling back. “Did you get the tickets?”

Tina’s face gave the answer before she spoke. “Sorry, Cal. Eli tore them up.”

“Fuck!” shouted Cal. He buried his face in his hands.

“You could have broken the news a bit more gently,” James said angrily as he rubbed his hand over Cal’s shoulders.

Cal looked up. “I’m okay,” he said quickly.

Tina hesitated; then sat beside James, her hand on Cal’s arm. “Sorry Cal. I didn’t mean to upset you. But you weren’t actually going to go, were you? I know you love each other and everything but you’re only fourteen.”

“Of course we were going to fucking go!” Cal raised his voice again. “Why shouldn’t we? If Rob had asked you to go somewhere with him when you were fourteen, wouldn’t you have gone?”

“Yeah… probably,” Tina admitted reluctantly. “But that was different. We were the same age. And we wouldn’t have gone all the way to fucking Argentina.”

James felt rather than saw that her answer had hurt Cal and rubbed his back in an attempt to comfort him. “But isn’t it better for a child to go away with an adult than another child? And Cal is very grown-up for his age.”

“I suppose,” Tina said doubtfully with a glance at Cal’s reddened eyes.

Cal gave her a muted version of his usual glare. “I bet you’d cry at least as much as me if Eli did that to you. And he’s not even your proper brother.”

“Eli didn’t mean it,” Tina said again. She fixed her gaze intently on Cal. Her eyes looked shiny but perhaps that was a trick of the light: her voice was as steady and sure as her hand on Blackout’s rein. “Eli loves you, Cal. He really loves you and he feels so bad about the argument. He’s so sorry for hurting you. He was just really angry with James and then he lost control.”

“That’s no reason to hurt Cal,” said James.

“No. No, he knows that,” Tina said. “But he wants to make things right. That’s been pretty much all he’s thought about ever since your mum died, Cal. He just wanted to look after you. But then social services took you away and then when you came home, something had happened to you but he didn’t know what.” She took Cal’s hand. For a moment, James thought he might snatch it away but he didn’t. Tina continued, looking intently at Cal. “It’s tearing him apart, Cal. It’s been tearing him apart ever since you came out of care. He’s tried so hard to make you happy but nothing’s worked. Did you know he’s trying to get a house from the council for you to live in together?”

“Yeah. I know. What about it?” muttered Cal.

“Eli’s proud of his heritage but he’s prepared to give it all up for you,” Tina said.

James swiftly cut in before Tina could continue. “Let’s not talk about this now, Tina. Maybe Eli’s intentions were good but that doesn’t change what he did to Cal today. Maybe he’ll make things up with Eli; maybe he won’t but he’s had a difficult few days. A difficult life. Please don’t put any pressure on him now.”

Tina’s eyes flashed with anger. “I wasn’t putting any fucking pressure on him! Am I forcing Cal to do anything? Am I picking him up by the hair and dragging him to see Eli? I’m just saying don’t go rushing off to Argentina. It’s a stupid idea and I’m sure that if you talked to Eli, you could work something out.”

Cal’s shoulders lifted then fell in a small sigh. “It’s not a stupid idea. It’s the only thing we can do.”

“Fuck. I can’t fucking believe what I‘m hearing!” Tina looked upset now. “I can’t believe you’d just leave Eli when he’s done so much for you. I know about what happened today but you obviously planned this Argentina thing a long time ago. I can’t believe you’d leave me when we’ve been like brother and sister. James, you’re supposed to be Rob’s best friend and you’d seriously just leave him?”

“I…” It sounded so cruel when Tina put it like that but James couldn’t lie to her. “I didn’t want to hurt you or Rob, Tina. I care about both of you. Annie too. But Cal is the most important person in my life. I want him to be safe and happy and if that means going to Argentina then that’s where we’ll go.”

“But we can’t go now, can we?” Cal said unhappily. “Not without the tickets. We should get at least another fifty grand if we… if we do something we’ve got planned but now Eli knows what we were going to do he’ll find a way to stop us. I can’t even go back to my caravan because Eli will be there,” Cal turned to Tina, his desperation clear on his face. “I don’t know what to do, Tin-Tin. I can’t even live with James.” He stroked James’ hand. “His mum hates me and she’s such a complete fucking bitch to him already. I don’t want to give her another reason to make him feel like shit.”

“We’ll sort something out, love,” James said in a reassuring voice. He didn’t know how they were going to get out of this mess but he knew they had to.

“You can go and stay with Annie again,” Tina said after a moment or two. “I wish I could let you come and stay with me but you know what my mum’s like and I don’t want to lose Eli as a friend. He really needs a friend right now. You’ve got James, Cal. Eli hasn’t got anyone except me. It would break his heart if you left him. Especially if it was his fault.”

Cal said nothing. He looked calmer now but tired and sad. James kissed his cheek and caressed his shoulder. Cal didn’t smile but James felt him relaxing just slightly, his body tilting towards James’.

“Can I tell her, Cal?” he asked. A fleeting panic showed in Cal’s eyes but then he nodded, his eyes fixed trustingly on James. James knew what he had to do. “We’re not really leaving because of Eli. There’s someone else Cal needs to get away from.”

The expression of relief on Tina’s face shocked James: not so much because it was there but because of the intensity of it. But it was there only a moment. Now she looked worried again. “Who?”

“Cal was bullied by a guy when he was in care,” James explained. “He’s still causing trouble for Cal and he has connections with the police so we can’t ask them for help. As long as Cal’s in Overton, this guy won’t leave him alone. Even if we go somewhere else in the UK he’ll be able to use his connections to trace us. But Cal says if we’re in Argentina, we’ll be safe because travellers don’t officially exist.”

Tina looked sceptical. “You’re going to be a traveller, James? Do you even speak Romani?”

“Voliv o Cal,” James said promptly. “O Cal si shukar.”

“You soppy twat,” Cal said affectionately and kissed him. For a moment he almost looked happy. “James just said he loves me and I’m hot stuff. Well he actually said handsome but I’m sure he thinks I’m hot stuff too.”

“Mangav te zhas ka o Argentina,” James said slowly and with many hesitations. “How does that sound, Cal?”

“Even better than last time,” said Cal. “He just said he wants us to go to Argentina, Tina.” He laughed shakily. “Argentina-Tina. But James doesn’t have to be completely fluent because they’ll speak a different dialect in Argentina anyway. A lot of the words will be different. But with our Romani and James’ Spanish we’ll be fine.”

Tina just looked at them but then she nodded. “Okay. I can see you’ve thought about this. And I don’t want you to be bullied by some wanker for the rest of your life, Cal. But please: don’t give up on Eli just yet. He really loves you and he feels so bad. If you explained to him about wanting to get away from that guy I’m sure he’d only want to help you. You two have done so well to plan all this out together and get as far as you have. But together I think we’ll be even stronger. Me, Annie, Eli, Rob… we care about you and we can help you.”

Cal shifted in James’ arms. “I don’t need help, Tina. I only need James.”

“I know you don’t need help,” Tina said. “I know you can do this without any help at all. But helping your friends isn’t just about doing what they can’t do on their own. It’s about showing you love them. And when something this important is happening, you just want to be there to share the moment with them. That’s what being friends is all about. Sharing moments. The bad moments as well as the good ones. If you two go off to Argentina or anywhere else, we might not be able to share another moment together ever again.”

Her voice wobbled and Cal, who had looked mutinous at the start of her speech, put his hand on Tina’s arm. “Okay. We’re in this together. But you need to know two things. One: we’re going to do everything we can to get to Argentina and you can’t stop us. Two:…” Cal’s voice wavered. “I know you want me to forgive Eli and I understand why you want that. But I really don’t know if I can.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal gives James his birthday presents.

James wasn’t in the mood to celebrate his birthday. The only positive as far as he could see was that he and Cal were back together. But Cal insisted he wanted to give James his presents so James arranged for Tina to distract Eli while Cal went to his caravan. It was the first time he’d been out since Eli had attacked him and James wanted to go with him but Cal insisted he’d be fine as long as Eli was out of the way.

“I need to do this, James. It is so tempting to stay here and never go out again or only go out when I’ve got you to look after me but I can’t live like that.” Cal gave him a pleading look. “I’ll be okay. Just promise you’ll be here when I get back?”

“I promise,” James said at once. He knew he should probably go and do some work on the farm but Cal had asked him to stay here and Cal was his priority now: his future. His family. He wanted to do whatever Cal needed.

So Cal had gone out alone and it seemed like he’d been away for hours. James couldn’t help but worry. Tina probably could keep Eli under control but he had no idea where Ian was or what he was doing. What if he decided to pay Cal a visit at the caravan park? This idea terrified James so much, he had to phone Cal to check he was okay. After two or three such phone calls, Cal started sending ‘I’m okay’ texts every five minutes. It didn’t stop James from worrying between texts but receiving them always made him smile. _Gess wot im still ok u big soppy twat! Love u xx_ was probably his favourite. 

When Cal finally returned with several bags (in addition to collecting James’ presents, he’d gone to buy wrapping paper and sellotape), he was smiling but James could feel him trembling. It was understandable after what Cal had been through but it made James sad to see someone as confident and independent as Cal struggling with a simple walk to his caravan and a shopping trip. 

“Are you all right, love?” James asked gently.

“Of course I am,” Cal said unconvincingly. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

James held his hand. “Not many people would be, you know. And I know it wasn’t easy, going back to your caravan.”

Cal gave him a tired smile. “It’s your birthday, isn’t it? I couldn’t not give you your presents. But I don’t want to talk about it now, James. I just want you to have a good birthday.”

James tilted Cal’s chin upwards so he could kiss him. “I’m having a great birthday and I’m looking forward to opening my presents. But first I’d like a cuddle with my boyfriend.”

“That sounds good,” Cal said. His smile was affectionate but also grateful. As they cuddled, James felt Cal beginning to relax at last. He lifted a hand to stroke Cal’s cheek and Cal smiled. “I love you, James.”

“I love you too, Cal.”

“I know everything isn’t great. I know it’s going to be difficult getting to Argentina and I know I’m totally not handling the Eli thing the way I want to. But if I had to go through all of that to get you back, then I’m glad, okay?” Cal’s voice was fierce.

“I think you’re handling the Eli thing brilliantly,” James said. He held Cal close to him and it was quite a while before Cal pulled away from James and announced he was going into the kitchen to wrap the presents. But he did sound almost like his usual self when he said James mustn’t go in there or Cal wouldn’t speak to him for at least an hour.

**  
“I’ve finished!” Cal announced as he came out of the kitchen with an envelope and four parcels wrapped in rather tasteless pink paper with Happy Birthday printed all over it. James smiled. He had a feeling Cal had chosen the paper more in mischief than in romance but that didn’t make him love Cal any less. 

“Four presents? You’re spoiling me,” James said as he took the parcels from Cal and gave him a kiss.

“I like spoiling you,” said Cal. He sat on the sofa and patted the seat beside him. “Come on. Open them then.” He was actually smiling and his eyes were lit with happiness, perhaps for the first time since they’d discovered the theft of the tickets.

“But it seems like such a waste to unwrap them now when you’ve only just wrapped them,” James said.

“What, you want to sit and look at them before you unwrap them?” Cal said incredulously.

James shook his head, smiling. “No, I don’t think I’ve got the willpower.” He felt quite emotional, looking at the pile of presents. Cal had probably bought him more presents for this birthday than he’d received in the last two or three years combined.

Cal kissed him and held out the envelope. “Happy Birthday, James.”

James was expecting a card with an immature joke on the front, the kind he’d seen Cal giggling over in shops. The kind of card Rob bought him every year. Instead, Cal had been to the arty section and chosen a card with a beautiful painting of blue skies and rolling hills.

“I don’t know if that’s your kind of art,” Cal said hurriedly. “You’ll have to teach me what you like. But I thought it looked a bit like Overton. Even though I’m not happy here, I do think it looks beautiful when you look down on it from the hills.”

James saw the worried expression on his face and leaned over to kiss him. “It’s a beautiful card, Cal. Really beautiful. Thank you.” He opened the card and smiled as he read what was written inside. He tried to speak but couldn’t: he was too choked up by Cal’s words. But then Cal gave him a hug and James knew he didn’t have to say anything at all.

“Are you ready for your first present now?” Cal asked very softly.

James held him for another second; then he removed his arm from around Cal’s shoulders. “I’m ready.”

The first parcel was soft and squodgy. Cal watched with a mixture of excitement and apprehension as James unwrapped the present. It was grey, made of a fabric that might have been cotton, and there was an image on it that he recognised. The shape of a horse: so simple and yet so beautiful. “That’s amazing. How did you get it on there, Cal?”

“One of the women in the camp makes clothes,” Cal explained. “I asked her if she could put the symbol onto it for me. Obviously I had to pretend they were for me so they might be a bit small even though I asked for growing room. But I hope they’re okay.”

James shook out the material and he realised there were two parts to it. The first was a top; the second a fleecy pair of trousers. James exclaimed in delight: “Oh they’re pyjamas! They’re lovely, Cal. Thank you. It’s like our special symbol and I can wear them at our special time.”

Cal gave him a naughty look. “Our ‘special time’? What’s that then?”

“You know. When we’re all alone and no-one can interrupt us,” James said innocently.

“I’m definitely looking forward to that!” said Cal and gave James another present.

James thought about saying he hadn’t meant it like that but Cal was clearly eager for him to continue opening his presents. James unwrapped a DVD and laughed. “Oh Cal. I might have guessed! But thank you, love. I’m sure I’ll enjoy watching it with you.”

“You’ll cry,” Cal said, his eyes gleaming at the prospect. “You’ll cry loads.”

“Then you’ll have to cuddle me loads,” James said.

“Oh, I will,” Cal promised. “I seriously can’t believe you’re eighteen and you still haven’t watched it. I watched it years ago and I’m not even old enough.”

James kissed him. “Then we’ll have to watch it very soon.”

The small, flat parcel was an envelope containing tickets to a play which James had a feeling Cal wouldn’t enjoy very much. But he knew James liked the play and that was obviously enough for him. Cal said apologetically that he’d only been able to afford the cheapest seats but James said the cheapest seats were usually squashed together and in the darkest part of the theatre and he could think of one or two advantages of that even if Cal couldn’t.

“James Warwick!” Cal pretended to be shocked. “So that’s why you like plays so much! I always knew there must be a reason.”

The last parcel was a cake with the words Happy Birthday James in such wobbly writing, James knew Cal was telling the truth when he said he’d made it himself.

“Thank you, Cal,” he said and kissed him. “You’re perfect: did you know that?”

“Yeah, I knew that,” said Cal and they both laughed but the kiss that followed was interrupted by James’ phone.

“It’s my sister!” James said, surprised as he answered it. “Hi Bee.”

“Where the fuck are you?”

James laughed uncertainly. “Er… at Annie’s?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve actually got yourself a girlfriend!”

“No, I haven’t,” said James. 

Bee sighed. “Then we’ll have to do something about that. You’re eighteen, James! And I came all this way to see my little brother on his birthday and where are you? Not here!”

“Sorry,” James said and Cal gave him a look. He couldn’t have heard what Bee had said but he obviously thought it was something James shouldn’t be apologising for. “Sorry.” Cal gave him another look. “Er, I’m afraid I’m a bit tied up here-”

“In my dreams!” murmured Cal.

James’ reaction was somewhere between horror and amusement. He had a feeling Cal wasn’t really interested in tying him up but that didn’t stop him from pretending he was. Usually much too loudly. “…but I’ll be home in maybe half an hour?”

Bee wasn’t that happy about the wait but for once, James was almost firm and managed to get his way. It was worth it when he saw the look of approval and love on Cal’s face.

“I love you,” said James, holding both Cal’s hands in his. “And I really wish I could just cuddle up with you in my pyjamas and watch my DVD and eat my cake and look forward to the play. But as Bee’s come all this way to see me…”

“No, you should go and see her,” Cal said. His brow furrowed. “Do you think she’ll be okay with us being a couple?”

“I don’t know,” James said honestly. “I don’t think she’d mind that you’re a guy or a traveller but she probably won’t be happy that she failed to work out for herself.”

“Are you going to tell her now?” asked Cal.

“Probably not,” James said. “She says my mum’s there and I don't want her to hear.” He gave Cal an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. It’s not because I’m ashamed of you or anything like that.”

Cal nodded understandingly. “I know, pisliskurjéya. It’s okay. We’ve got enough complications already. We don’t need your mum adding to them.”

“She might be really happy for us,” James said, though without much conviction. “She wants me to marry a country girl and she might see a traveller as a country boy.”

“But we can’t take the risk,” said Cal. He kissed James’ cheek. “Don’t worry, James. It’s okay. It’s not like I’m going to tell my dad, is it?” The next words came in a rush. “But I… I’d kind of like it if you told someone about me.”

“And I will tell someone. I’ll tell Bee.” James would be lying if he said the prospect didn’t make him nervous but he knew he had to overcome that. It clearly meant a lot to Cal and he could understand why. “I’ll definitely have some time alone with her before she leaves. Bee hasn’t just come to wish me a happy birthday, you know.”

Cal knew exactly what he meant. “She wants to make sure you tell your mum you’re going to uni.” 

James nodded. “So when Bee asks me about it, I’ll tell her I’m not going and I’ll tell her why.”

Cal spoke without looking at him. “Are you sure you’re okay with not going to uni?”

“Completely okay,” said James. “I love you and we need each other. So of course I’m not going to-“

“I’m not saying I don’t need you,” Cal interrupted. “I do need you. But I also need you to be happy.” Cal turned to look at him. “James, are you sure you want to give up uni for me? I know it’s what you’ve always wanted. I remember you telling me years ago that you wanted to go to uni and get a degree.”

James held more tightly to Cal’s hands. “Cal, love, I was just a kid then. No kid really knows what they want.”

“I did,” Cal said. “I wanted you the first time I saw you.” 

James smiled. “Well, yes, but you’re special. You’ve always been very mature. But most people change their mind. They want something so badly when they’re kids but when they grow up, their priorities change. My priority isn’t uni anymore, Cal. My priority is you.” He smiled. “I don’t think I’d enjoy uni anyway. I hated school. Why would I want to spend three more years with a bunch of people who seem to think I need reminding of my abnormalities every five minutes?”

Cal glowered. “They’re fucking lucky they never tried that in front of me.”

James hugged him. “Yes. They are. But they’re not important, Cal. Going to uni isn’t important. To be honest, it never was. All I really wanted to do was get away from the farm. I’ll still be doing that when we go to Argentina.”

“I just want you to be sure,” Cal said. “I don’t want you to go away with me and then regret it.”

James looked deep into Cal’s eyes. “Cal, I love you. I’m never going to change my mind.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Cal have arranged to go to James' house to see Bee but someone has other ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is later than I said - I read it through, wasn't happy and ended up doing quite a substantial rewrite.

Cal wasn’t sure why he didn’t hear their approach: he must have been too deep in thought, though that didn’t usually prevent him from being hyper-aware of everything around him. But he didn’t know anything at all until something was shoved over his head and the world went dark. He heard James cry out and instinctively reached his hand out towards him but there was nothing there: just two strange hands forcing Cal’s arms down by his sides.

In a panic, Cal kicked out behind him and was rewarded with a cry of pain but the arms didn’t let go of him. He could hear someone screaming at someone to “fucking let me go” and at first he assumed it was James but then Cal realised it was his own voice.

Suddenly, he felt himself being lifted into the air and placed facedown on top something which he immediately knew was James. Cal tore the bag from his head but then a door slammed and they were in darkness.

“Let me out! Let me out! Get off me!” James was screaming, his voice muffled, his arms flailing.

“Oh fuck, James. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…” Cal was panicking now and almost crying. He couldn’t take any more of this. He just couldn’t. 

No. He had to stay calm. James needed him.

Cal held more tightly to James in an effort to ground himself and tried to kiss him but there was something over his face and Cal realised it must be another bag. 

It was difficult removing the bag from James’ head. His head seemed to have got wedged in somehow and Cal couldn’t lift it. James’ panicked breaths had turned into little gasping grunts and Cal was terrified he was going to suffocate and he didn’t know what to do. And all the time, they were in this tiny, dark, cupboardlike place.

Somewhere, a car engine started up. Cal felt the vibration beneath him and realised they were both inside the car: in the boot. Someone had kidnapped them and Cal had a horrible, cold feeling that he knew who was behind it.

He started panicking again, desperately trying to push the bag back from James’ face if nothing else but even though James had stopped fighting him, it was difficult when his hands trembled so badly. But at last it was done and then James was moving again and trying to say something and the relief on top of the fear was just too much and it was all Cal could do not to cry.

“Let me out!” James shouted in terror. “Let me out!”

James’ fear was perhaps the only thing that could have calmed Cal at that moment. He cuddled close to James. “It’s okay, James,” he said shakily. “It’s going to be okay.” 

James seemed to be trying to push him away. “Get off me! Get off!”

Cal’s heart smote him. He knew how it felt when someone was lying on top of you and all you wanted was for them to get off. He knew the terror that overrode all sensible thoughts. “James, it’s me, pisliskurjéya. It’s Cal. I’m here and I love you.”

To his relief, James stopped struggling. “Cal?”

“Yes, it’s me.” Cal kissed him quickly to prove it.

“But what, who, where…”

“I don’t know but I’m trying to think of a plan,” Cal said. He kissed James again. “I’m sure it’s going to be okay. I’ll make it okay. Somehow.”

And as he lay there and thought with James’ comforting warmth underneath him, Cal realised this wasn’t Ian’s style. There were at least two kidnappers and Cal had never known Ian to bring anyone else with them. Ian had also never put Cal in the boot. He always behaved so correctly in public and Cal doubted Ian knew he was staying with Annie.

In addition, Cal was fairly sure this was neither Ian’s car nor a police car. This was a much older car with a grumbly exhaust and a dodgy suspension. 

“I’m fucking stupid!” Cal realised. “I know who this is. James, listen to me. As soon as the car stops, I’ll get ready to jump out. Hopefully I can push one of the guys over. Once I’m out, you get out too and help me show those wankers who they’re dealing with, okay?”

“What?” James sounded confused. “Cal, why am I dizzy when I’m lying down?”

Cal realised with horror that James wasn’t going to be any help at all. He’d just have to do his best and hope the fresh air revived James quickly. “Don’t worry. It’s okay. I’ll deal with it. I love you.” He didn’t know how he’d deal with it if he was wrong but he knew he’d do anything to protect James.

**  
It seemed like a long time before the car stopped but it probably wasn’t. Not long afterwards, the boot opened and Rob was standing there, grinning. Cal could hear music but he didn’t worry about that. Instead, he launched himself out of the boot, throwing himself at Rob’s stupid head. “You fucking wanker!”

Rob cried out as he fell backwards and then again as Cal landed on his chest. He spoke breathlessly. “It was just a joke, Cal. Get off me!”

“It’s not a fucking joke to fucking kidnap people and drug them and throw them into the backs of fucking cars!” Cal shouted. 

“Oh, come on,” said Rob. “It was a little bit funny. And I thought you’d enjoy lying on top of James.”

Cal gave him a contemptuous look and went to help James out of the car. He had managed to sit up but was still looking slightly dazed.

“You think it was funny, don’t you, James?” Rob said as he got to his feet.

“No!” said James. “Not funny at all!”

“It’s okay, James,” Rob said calmly. “Don’t panic. I’ve got just the thing for you here.”

Cal stepped in front of James protectively as Rob held out a cloth which was no doubt soaked in the drug he’d already used on James. “Don’t even think about it, Kendle.”

“You’re getting a bit overprotective, aren’t you?” Rob said, amused. “You’ve only been together five minutes but you’re like an old married couple. Are you Mrs Warwick or is James Mrs Bray?”

Cal had been thinking about pushing him over again but he stopped as he realised Rob had asked a very valid question. He had to admit the idea of having a different surname from Eli and his dad was very tempting. But his grandfather had always done his best for him and taught him to be proud to be a Bray. “Maybe we’ll go double-barrelled.”

Rob laughed “Great idea. And by the way, I’m expecting to be best man.” He spoke to James over Cal’s shoulder. “Come on James: it’s your eighteenth so your best mate in all the world – apart from your Mrs, of course – has organised a party for you.”

“Maybe he doesn’t want a fucking party,” Cal said angrily. “Did you ever think about that?”

“Cal, what’s wrong with you? You two need to lighten up, seriously. Come here.” Rob lunged at Cal with the cloth but Cal tore it out of his hand and threw it onto the ground. Rob shrugged and picked Cal up bodily. “You two bring James, okay?” he called over his shoulder. Cal struggled and bit and kicked and it wasn’t long before Rob dropped him. “You little shit! You’re like a fucking animal. Better James than me, that’s all I can say.”

Cal sat up and rubbed his knee where he’d landed on it. “You’re an arsehole, Rob Kendle.”

“Not what Tina says,” Rob said smugly. “She does call me a knobhead sometimes but that’s not the same thing.”

“You haven’t heard what she says about you behind your back,” Cal retorted as he stood up.

Rob looked alarmed. “What? What has she been saying?”

Cal didn’t answer. He was too busy staring in alarm the biggest crowd of people he’d ever seen in Overton. It was so exactly the kind of thing James would hate. “You haven’t got a fucking clue, have you?” How could Rob call himself James’ best mate and have no idea? 

“What’s Tina been saying, Cal?”

Cal ignored him and went over to James, who still seemed woozy and was being supported by two of Rob’s wanker mates. “I’ll help him.”

“You can’t,” one of Rob’s mates said. “Too short and not strong enough.” Ignoring Cal’s far from polite response, he and the other guy hoisted James onto their shoulders and carried him towards the throng. Several more people grabbed hold of him and James was thrown into the air and caught by a sea of bodies. They threw him into the air, counting aloud to eighteen.

“Don’t do that!” Cal yelled but his voice was lost amongst the other shouts. “He doesn’t like it. Can’t you see he doesn’t like it?” He pushed closer to James but he didn’t know what else he could do. If he tried to drag any of them away James could fall. Cal watched and waited, hating the feeling of powerlessness that stole over him.

Perhaps he couldn’t protect James. Perhaps he wasn’t strong enough after all. He didn’t think it was likely that anyone in Argentina would start picking James up and giving him the bumps but they’d probably hurt him in all kinds of ways. James was so sensitive. It was so easy to hurt him. They would hurt him in Argentina and Cal would be powerless then just as he was powerless now.

At last, it ended. James was lowered to the floor. Cal lurched forward to catch him as the crowd dispersed. “Are you okay?”

“I want to go home,” James said.

Cal hugged him. He wanted exactly the same thing. “Then we’ll go. Come on.”

James shook his head. “Rob’s been to a lot of trouble for me and he does seem very accepting of our relationship. I feel like I should stay for a little bit.”

Cal considered. "Rob can be a prick sometimes but you can't say he's homophobic. He didn't even seem to find it odd." His voice hardened. "But after that kidnapping stunt you don't owe that fucker anything. How could anyone ever think you'd find it funny?” 

“James! Happy Birthday!” Annie appeared in front of him wearing garish bright blue eye make-up and a slightly drunken look. “Any excuse for a party, right? I actually thought the kidnapping took it a bit far but you know Rob. His brain is fucking mushy banana.”

“His brain is fucking non-existent,” Cal corrected her. “How could anyone think James would want a massive birthday party full of people he doesn’t even know? Where did Rob find them all anyway?”

“Rob said there was free beer,” Annie said. “So they came! I told Rob about you two by the way. He wanted to know where you were and I said you were together and he wanted to know why. So I told him everything!”

"You told Rob about what Eli did to Cal and he still kidnapped him?” James was incredulous.

“Oh no, I didn’t tell Rob that part,” Annie said. “I thought that would be private. I just said you loved each other.”

“Well, that makes everything okay!” Cal said sarcastically.

Annie beamed. “I thought it would. So come on and get pissed! We’ve got a double celebration. You’re eighteen today and you’ve found true love!” She hugged them both just as the music stopped. “Look, I think Rob’s about to make a speech! Come and stand in the front, James. He’ll probably want you to go onstage and make a speech too.”

She plunged off into the crowd but neither James nor Cal made any move to follow her.

“James, shall we go?” Cal said softly. He was feeling close to tears again.

James looked concerned. He put his arm around Cal’s shoulders. “Of course we can, love.”

“No. No, wait.” Cal didn’t want James to have to spend his birthday comforting him. It wasn’t even as though Cal was the only one who’d been kidnapped. “I didn’t mean let’s go home. I meant let’s… let’s sneak off and have our own little private party.”

“A private party?” James said. “Are you sure you’re up to it, Cal?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Cal said. “Let’s go somewhere far enough so we don’t have to hear Rob’s speech but close enough so we can still hear the music.” He thought he could probably cope with that. For James’ sake.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal and James are enjoying their private party when they're interrupted.

They walked slowly through the wood and came out in a field. For a long time, they just cuddled and James breathed in the sweet-smelling air and Cal buried his face into James’ shoulder and possibly cried a bit, though he said he didn’t.

After a while, they heard the music start up again. It was a slow song that to James seemed slightly familiar. Cal lifted his head from James’ shoulder and started to sway in time with the music. 

James looked panicked. “I really can’t dance, Cal.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Cal said. “It’s not proper dancing anyway.” He kept swaying. “Just do what I do. Yeah, that’s good. Ouch, that was my foot.”

“Sorry,” James said. He trod on Cal’s other foot. “Sorry.”

“It’s not even like I have especially big feet,” Cal said.

“Sorry.”

“Stop apologising or I’ll tread on your feet,” Cal said. They danced in a slow circle. “There, that’s it. You’re getting it. Why don’t you put your hands on my hips? Or my arse if you like.”

Blushing, James went for his hips. 

“And I’ll do this…” Cal put his arms around James’ neck and looked up at him. “Look at me, then.”

Their gazes locked. James let his forehead rest against Cal’s and they smiled as they danced. It was as though the earlier events had faded into nothing. It was just James and Cal and the music. Cal was stroking the back of James’ neck and the hands on Cal’s hips were slowly beginning to relax. 

“Ouch, that was my fucking foot!” said Cal.

James said nothing.

“You might at least say sorry,” Cal complained. He stood on one leg and leaned heavily on James as he tried to massage his toes through his trainers.

“But you said… are you okay?”

“I’ll live.” Cal danced James in a circle again. James looked down at him: at his lips invitingly parted and his eyes for once free of the pain that had haunted them for the last couple of days. James stopped moving and kissed him. Cal kissed him back, his hands raking through James’ hair. James, with unusual daring, put a hand inside Cal’s shirt and felt him shiver as James touched the small of his back. The kiss was hotly passionate at first as Cal pressed himself against James but then their mouths slowed until they weren’t just kissing at all: just lips touching lips. Then, slowly, they moved apart. Cal’s hands slid down James’ shoulders and James removed his hand from Cal’s back.

Cal looked up at him, his expression confused now. “I… I… I think I’m happy.”

James felt his heart jump. “So am I, Cal. So am I.”

They looked at one another for a moment; then Cal broke into rapid speech. “You know, before we got together I couldn’t stand the thought that I was probably going to live another sixty years. I couldn’t imagine how life could ever be good. I was back in the caravan park with Eli but I wasn’t safe and I didn’t think I ever would be. Even when we got together, I wasn’t sure I liked the idea of being alive. Not that being with you wasn’t amazing. It was. Even when we said goodbye, the memory of you; the knowledge that I was going to see you soon was often enough to keep me going. But sometimes it wasn’t. Then when we broke up, all I wanted was to be dead because there was no reason to live.”

“Cal…”

“But then we got back together.” Cal smiled. “I know Eli fucked me up a bit and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that and Rob obviously didn’t help but at this moment, right now, Eli and Ian seem miles away and you’re here and I want to live forever… James, are you crying?”

“Sorry… er… I mean… er… oops?”

Cal’s voice softened. “Come here, you silly twat.”

**  
“It’s your party, you did cry and you did want to!” 

James let go of Cal to find Bee walking towards them. 

“Is that song before your time?” said Bee. “Oh my God: it is, isn’t it? I’m getting old and everyone forgot to tell me.”

“Sorry,” James said and Cal gave him a look. “Sorry, Cal.”

Cal tried to give him another look but it didn’t work when he was trying not to smile.

“I got fed up with waiting for you so I texted Rob,” Bee explained. “I thought he might know where you were and I was right. I didn’t expect to find you at such a brilliant party though.”

“It’s the best party I’ve ever been to,” said James. He meant the private party of course.

“But you still haven’t told Mum about uni, have you?” Bee said.

Cal frowned. “It is kind of up to James, you know. He’s fully legal now.”

Bee’s face was serious. “James, this place is poison. I’ve watched it make you smaller and smaller and smaller. This is your one chance to get out of being a farmer in Shitsville for the rest of your life.”

“I know it is,” James said. 

Bee spoke forcefully. “You have to tell her, James. You promised. Eighteenth birthday, you said. Well, today is the day.”

“I’m not going to uni,” said James. He’d expected the moment to make him nervous but to his surprise he felt calm. “I don’t want to go. Not anymore.”

“What? Why not?” Bee looked annoyed. “You can’t stay here, James.”

“I’m not going to stay here.” James looked over at Cal. “Me and Cal, we’re getting out of here. Together.”

Bee’s gaze fell on Cal. She looked back at James. “What are you talking about? Why are you and Cal… you’re trying to tell me something, aren’t you?”

“In his own special way,” said Cal. He gave James an encouraging pat on the arm. “Go on, then. Tell her.”

“Me and Cal,” James said and then stopped. “Me and Cal… we’re… what I’m trying to say is…” 

Bee burst out laughing. “Well, no fucking wonder your room smells so badly of cum! I thought it smelled bad enough for two guys and now I know why!”

“James hasn’t been fucking me,” Cal said quickly. “We’ve just been giving each other blow jobs and stuff. Just so you know.”

James covered his face with his hands.

“I didn’t need to know, thanks!” said Bee. 

“I wouldn’t want you to think your little brother was fucking an underage guy,” Cal went on, unperturbed. “Because he’d never do that. And I should know: I’ve asked him enough times.”

“Er, Bee,” a red-faced James broke in quickly. “Er… what were you doing in my room?”

“Looking for you of course! Don’t worry. I didn’t stay long. I don’t know how anyone could stand to live in that stink. So about uni.”

“I’m not going.”

Bee gave him a penetrating look. “Are you sure this is what you want? Or is this just what Cal wants?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” said Cal.

James put his hand on Cal’s shoulder. “Cal-”

“I just want to make sure my little brother is sure he’s making the right decision,” Bee explained. “You can’t blame me for interrogating him, Cal. It’s what older siblings do.”

Cal looked away. “I suppose there are worse things older siblings could do. But it is what he wants. Tell her, James.”

“It is true,” James said. He explained about his true reasons for wanting to attend uni. “Now all I want is to be with Cal. Just Cal.” He smiled and put his arm around Cal’s shoulders. Cal smiled too and put both arms around James’ waist.

Bee turned her attention to Cal. “Do you love him?”

“Of course I do!” Cal said at once. Then, as though he was worried he’d gone over the top, he added: “He is a silly twat sometimes. But I don’t know how you could not love him really. I’ve loved him since I was nine.”

Bee stood back and regarded them both. “Yeah. You look good together. You still need to tell Mum but you’ve got the big sister stamp of approval, Cal. But if you hurt my little brother…”

“I’ll never hurt him,” said Cal.

**  
Cal was exhausted, mentally and physically. Even though he and James had mostly kept away from the party, being attacked and kidnapped on consecutive days really took it out of you. He really wanted to go back to Annie’s but James thought he should get some work done on the farm and Cal didn’t want to be alone.

“Are you sure?” James said anxiously as they approached the farmhouse. “You look tired and you’ve been through a lot.”

“So have you,” Cal reminded him. He had a quick look around before giving James a kiss. “I’ll be fine, pisliskurjéya. As long as I’m with you.”

“You’ll always be with me,” said James. He hugged Cal quickly and they continued walking. 

Cal could feel himself becoming anxious but he told himself not to be silly. He knew he wasn’t likely to see Eli. Jackie had told Eli to take a couple of days – but no more than a couple – to sort himself out. But Cal couldn’t help being afraid.

James saw him first. He stepped in front of Cal and spoke softly. “Don’t look, Cal. Come with me.”

Nothing was more likely to make Cal look than an injunction that he shouldn’t. He looked over James’ shoulder. “Oh fuck!” Eli was standing outside one of the stables. He hadn’t seemed aware of their presence but as soon as Cal spoke he turned around.

“Cal. Hi.”

“What are you doing here?” James demanded. 

“I heard Crowley was sick,” Eli said.

“Well, that’s a lie: horses can’t be sick!” snapped Cal. He stepped out from behind James. “It’s physically impossible.”

“No, I mean he was ill,” Eli said and Cal realised his face was pale and drawn. “He’s had an operation. Janine said we could lose him if he didn’t.”

“And what would she know?” Cal spat.

James spoke quietly. “She is a qualified vet, Cal.” He addressed Eli hesitantly. “Is Crowley okay?”

Eli eyed him aggressively but then he nodded. “He’s going to be okay, yeah.”

“I’m glad,” James said. “He’s a good horse.” He turned to Cal. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”

Cal realised in a panic that he’d been on the point of blurting out everything he knew about Janine. He’d blackmailed her in order to get the ketamine he really needed but what she didn’t realise was that he’d never have gone to the police. 

If he exposed Janine’s lies, the police could become involved and Cal knew what – and who – that meant. Yet he’d still almost told Eli everything. He was panicky and upset and emotionally exhausted but he knew he’d probably be feeling like that for a while. He couldn’t let those feelings overcome his sense. But he so nearly had. 

“Cal, are you okay?” Eli took a couple of steps towards them but Cal shrunk away from him. The look of hurt on Eli’s face was like a physical pain but Cal couldn’t forget the last time he and Eli had met on James’ farm.

Slowly, Eli walked towards Cal. Cal wanted to run but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even hold onto James. He didn’t want to do anything that might make Eli angry. He was too afraid of what Eli might do to James.

“Eli?” That was Tina’s voice. “Eli, where are you? Shit!” Tina ran out from the stables and over to Eli. She took hold of his arm. “Come on, Eli. Come back to Crowley. You’re upset: it’s not a good time to talk to Cal now.”

Eli didn’t seem to hear her at first but she kept talking to him softly and finally he went with her, with one last look over his shoulder at Cal. “I’m sorry, Cal. I’m sorry.” And then he was gone.

Cal hadn’t been able to speak but now the words burst out of him. “James, I want to go home. I need to go home!”

“Okay: let’s go.” James put both arms around Cal and supported him as they walked. Cal was trembling but James’ sweet, kind voice kept him going. James kept one arm around Cal as he let them in with Annie’s spare key. James quite often dropped his keys when he had both hands at his disposal; if anything he seemed more comfortable when he only had one hand to worry about.

They sat on the sofa with James’ presents. Cal was barely holding back the tears. “I’m sorry, James.”

“Now who’s apologising for no reason?” James asked him gently.

Cal took a couple of shaky breaths. He couldn’t trust his voice yet. “I wanted you to have a good birthday,” he said at last.

“I am having a good birthday,” James said firmly. “Rob did his best to ruin it for me but we got away; Bee’s given us her blessing and it’s hardly your fault we saw Eli.” He guided Cal’s head onto his shoulder and hugged him tightly. “You were incredible, Cal. You were so brave. You looked after me when you were kidnapped; you helped me tell Bee about university and being gay; you even stayed fairly calm when we saw Eli. You were brilliant and I couldn’t have managed without you.” He stroked Cal’s hair. “But do you know something? Even if you cry for the rest of the day, it’ll still be the best birthday ever because I’m spending it with you.”


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal tries to talk to James about his past and James finds an unexpected friendship.

“She got you a fucking tractor?” said Cal.

It was later that evening and the private party had continued with cake, alcohol and blow jobs. They were both quite disappointed when James’ mum phoned to tell him to come home so she could give him his present but she’d finally let him go again. 

James had to smile at the expression on Cal’s face. It was such an endearing mixture of anger, contempt, horror, love, concern and protectiveness. “She got me a fucking tractor.”

Cal hugged him. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” James had been shocked and a bit upset when it had happened but now he was starting to see the positives. “It looks like a very good tractor. Not that I’ll be using it for long but I should be able to get things done much more quickly. Which means I’ll get to spend more time with you.”

“But it’s your birthday!” Cal looked slightly upset now. 

“Exactly,” said James. “It’s my birthday and she bought me a fucking tractor, thereby proving that she loves the farm more than me.”

Cal hugged him more tightly. “I don’t love the farm more than you. I don’t love the farm at all. Though I do like some of the places where I’ve kissed you.”

James smiled. “So do I. But I’m glad she got me a tractor, Cal. If my mum had bought me a car or any other present that showed there was even a chance of her turning into the mother I’ve always wanted… well, it would have been very difficult for me to ask for half of Blackout’s money. As it is…”

“Yeah, maybe it’s a good thing,” Cal agreed.

“And it makes me even more grateful that I’ve got you,” said James. “You put so much love and thought into my presents. You spent some of your Argentina fund on me. And that makes me feel like the luckiest guy in the world.”

Cal looked awkward. “I’m nothing special, James. Really. I’m nothing special.”

“Will you promise never to buy me a fucking tractor?”

Cal laughed. “I promise.”

“Then I don’t think you need to worry about anything.”

**  
As James’ attempts to do some work had been completely unsuccessful the day before, he and Cal got up at 4am the next day. James worked hard and Cal decided that the new tractor was a lot more comfortable than the old one. It was bigger too and there was not only room for James to kneel on the floor comfortably whilst giving Cal a blow job, there was even space for Cal to hide under the seat when James’ mum arrived unexpectedly.

Sixteen hours later, they returned home (well, to Annie’s home), feeling hot, dirty and exhausted. Annie made dinner for them and then went to her room after only about twenty minutes of hinting from Cal. 

“Shall we watch my DVD then?” James asked. He stroked Cal’s cheek. “Or do you want to cuddle? Or talk? What would you like to do?”

Cal’s eyes fell closed and his arms tightened around James. “I want to talk. I need to talk. You deserve to know. But I’m so tired.”

“Then maybe we should sleep?” James said. He knew his mum was expecting him to go back home but he didn’t care. He hadn’t told her about his plan to go to Argentina – he thought it would be better to wait until after the money for Blackout was secured – but he was eighteen now and in some ways he felt different. His mum wasn’t important anymore. She could still hurt him and probably would but in a couple more weeks they would be on the plane to Argentina. “We can talk when you’re ready, Cal.”

Cal buried his face in James’ chest. “I should tell you. I know I should. But I don’t want to hurt you.”

James kissed his hair. “Don’t worry about that, Cal. I love you. If you’re hurting, I want to share that with you. Take some of the pain for you.”

“No, I don’t want you do to that!” Cal looked up at James. “I don’t want you to hurt at all.”

James leaned down to kiss him. “Come on, love. Let’s go to bed. I’ll cuddle you and you can decide if you need to sleep or talk.”

Cal nodded. They got ready for bed almost in silence. Annie’s sofa only looked really big enough for one but James and Cal cuddled close together. They hadn’t actually made any agreement that James would spend the night there. It just happened because that was how it was meant to be. 

They also didn’t discuss whether they should sleep or talk. They both knew they would sleep. The talking could wait.

James kissed Cal and they closed their eyes.

**  
James was relieved when Cal said he’d stay at home the next day. He loved working on the farm when he knew Cal was only a few feet away from him but Cal still looked tired. He said he might have a nap and James hoped he would. 

He spent the day working hard (apart from a lovely lunch break back at Annie’s with a delicious lunch prepared by Cal) and he felt tired as he drove the new tractor (which was a great improvement on the old one) back to his house. Bee was leaving after dinner and James wanted to see her before she went. Cal was disappointed not to be having dinner with James but he understood.

Bee didn’t say much during dinner as Jackie was there but they did have a few minutes together afterwards. Bee asked where he and Cal were going and James told her they were thinking of going to London or maybe a bit further south. He didn’t really want to lie to his sister but she hadn’t quite grown out of her habit of telling their mum when she thought James was doing something stupid. He promised himself he would tell her more when they were settled in Argentina.

“I’m proud of you, James, okay?” Bee said as she hugged him goodbye. “Finally you’re thinking about what you want and you’re going for it. Keep doing that. Now make sure you and Cal stay in touch with me. I want to know everything.” She paused. “Well, maybe not everything. I don’t need to know about your sex life. I just want to know where you are and that you’re happy.”

“We’ll stay in touch, Bee. I promise.” James watched her drive away and then went back inside to collect some clothes and other things he’d need tomorrow. He walked cautiously through the farm, watching out for Eli. James still wasn’t sure what he would do if he saw Eli: a part of him still wanted to punch his lights out but he knew that wouldn’t solve anything. He’d heard that Crowley’s operation had been a success but he knew Eli loved the horse more than anything except Cal and Tina, and James wouldn’t have been surprised to discover he was still there. 

When he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye, his first assumption that it was Eli but when he looked properly, he realised it was someone smaller. And female. James looked at her in surprise. “Hi Ruth. Are you here about Eli?”

Ruth stared at him. “Eli? Why would I be here about Eli?”

James realised he’d made an error. Much as he wanted to report Eli’s behaviour to the police, he knew he couldn’t do it. If he told Ruth about Eli’s attack on Cal, she would have to report it to the policeman who was supervising her – and James knew who that was. “I don’t know,” he said weakly when he saw Ruth was waiting for an answer.

Ruth sighed. “Did Eli tell you?”

James was completely lost. “Tell me what?”

“Did Eli tell you about how the community expected us to marry?” Ruth said. “Before I had to leave? Because there's nothing between me and Eli now. There never was really.”

As it happened, Cal hadn’t said anything about that but James seized on the explanation gratefully. “Yes. That’s what I meant. Then I thought… er… I thought maybe I wasn’t supposed to know.”

Ruth smiled but it wasn’t the contemptuous smile Tina and Annie always complained about. “You’re an awful liar, James. But it’s okay. You don’t have to explain. People tend not to explain things now I’ve joined the police.”

Her voice was nonchalant and there was nothing to suggest she minded but James felt a flash of sympathy: he knew how it felt to be on the outside looking in. Under the circumstances, however, he thought it prudent to change the subject. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Ruth looked faintly amused. “What could you help me with?”

“I mean, well, you’re a policeman. Or woman. And you’re on the farm. And I’m on the farm.”

Ruth laughed. “It’s good to know you know where you are, James. At least I won’t have to arrest you for consuming illegal substances.”

“Can you arrest me?” James asked curiously. “Can probationers do that?”

“You could arrest me if you wanted,” said Ruth. “A citizen’s arrest. For hanging around your farm.”

“But if you’re here on official business…”

“I’m not.”

“Oh. Aren’t you?” James wondered why she was here but he didn’t like to be rude. 

Ruth’s face was blank. It looked like she had no intention of telling him anything more. But then she seemed to come to a decision. “It’s not a secret: I’ve got a date. With Dominic. I said I’d meet him here after work.”

“Dominic?” James was startled. “I didn’t know you and Dominic were...”

Ruth shrugged. “Is there any reason why you would?”

James realised there probably wasn’t. He rarely saw Ruth - and Dominic wasn’t usually someone who boasted about his conquests. That would involve speaking and Dominic tended not to speak unless it was absolutely necessary. 

But James was surprised. Ruth was intelligent. She’d done well at school and she hadn’t lost the traveller’s ability to read people. Dominic was hardly on her intellectual level. 

“I didn’t know you knew him,” James said at last.

“I didn’t till recently,” said Ruth. “I met him when I came here looking for Tina. We clicked. It’s not serious or anything. I don’t think I’d want something serious at the moment. I’m more focused on my career. But we’re having fun. Are you… seeing anyone?”

“Yes. Yes, I am,” James said. He was surprised Dominic hadn’t told her but perhaps Dominic didn’t say much when he was on a date either. “I’m seeing-”

“Hey,” said a voice from behind them. It was Dominic. “You ready?”

“I’m ready,” Ruth said. “Sorry, James. I’d better go.” They started to walk away together but Ruth turned back. “It was good talking to you, James. Really good.”

“We should do it again sometime,” said James, unsure how else to respond.

“I’d like that,” Ruth said and smiled. “You can tell me about this girl you’re seeing. See you.”

James watched thoughtfully as she and Dominic walked away.


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal starts to tell James about his experiences in care.

James was wearing his new pyjamas. Cal was wearing an old pair of James’. They smelled of James and made him feel that James was cuddling every inch of his body; silently reassuring him that everything would be all right.

“Eli looked after me when my grandad died,” Cal began. “It was okay. In some ways nothing changed. I was living in my grandad’s caravan then; helping him.”

James was stroking Cal’s arm. After a moment or two had passed in silence he said: “I’m sure he was really grateful for your help.”

“Yeah, that’s why he gave me the caravan,” Cal said. “He wasn’t perfect, James. He was into gambling. He used to hit me and Eli sometimes; though that was part of the culture really. But he was my family. He was all I had apart from Eli and it meant something to me then: family.”

James nodded as though he understood and Cal thought he probably did. James’ mum treated him horribly but he still felt some loyalty to her.

Cal was silent while he tried to pick up the threads of what he was saying. This wasn’t really what he’d intended to talk about. He wanted to tell James what had happened in care but it seemed as though the story hadn’t really begun then. Perhaps the true beginning had been when his mum had committed suicide or perhaps even when he was born. Before that even. But he had to start somewhere and this felt like the right place.

“I lived with him and he looked after me,” Cal said. “Then I looked after him. Usually a female relative would do that but there was only me and Eli left and Eli wasn’t married. Traveller guys usually marry when they're about eighteen but not Eli. He really wanted to be a jockey and he spent a lot of time on the farm or riding with Tina. I used to go with them sometimes but only really as something to do. I didn’t love riding like they did and I was scared. I don’t mean I was scared of horses. I’m not. I was scared I might fall off and hurt myself and then I wouldn’t be able to look after my grandad anymore.”

James stroked Cal’s arm.

“It was sad sometimes,” Cal continued. “Watching him grow older and weaker. He actually wasn’t that old or that weak and I didn’t expect him to die as soon as he did but I saw the change in him. I looked after him every day and I listened when he told me all his regrets about his life and he told me not to do anything I’d regret.” His voice shook. “But I’ve done so much that I regret, James. If he knew what I’d done…”

James held him more tightly. “Everyone has regrets, Cal. You can’t know how things are going to work out. All you can do is what seems best at the time. I’m sure your grandad knows that.”

Cal rested his head on James’ shoulder and waited until he could trust his voice again. “I looked after him but then he died and he left me his caravan. So I carried on living there and looking after myself. Eli moaned at me sometimes if he caught me doing something he didn’t like but he mostly left me alone and I thought that was good. He didn’t stop me from hanging round you and that was the most important thing.”

James smiled. “I’m glad he didn’t.”

“Me too,” Cal said. “Not that you were interested in me then. But then I met this girl.”

James hadn’t been expecting that. He moved uncomfortably then said: “A girl?”

Cal laughed and punched him lightly on the chest. “Not like that! She was just some girl who was hanging round the farm. I ignored her at first. I thought she was just another farm worker. I saw her a few times and I wasn’t even sure if it was the same girl. She had really long hair hanging in her face so I didn’t know what she looked like and I didn’t really care. All I really cared about was you. Then I noticed she never seemed to be doing any work and that bothered me because that might have meant more work for you.”

James’ smile was almost shy. “So you were looking out for me even then.”

“Of course I was!” said Cal. “So I asked her what she was doing. She said she was at vet school and she was spending the school holidays on different farms, just observing. I knew she was lying. If she was observing anywhere it would be at the vet’s, not here but I could tell she was a liar.”

James nodded. He knew Cal always could tell.

“She asked what I was doing but obviously I didn't tell her so she said she’d be keeping an eye on me,” Cal said. “I didn’t see her much but one day she followed me back to the camp and started asking where I lived and stuff. I didn’t tell her anything. She said her name was Elizabeth and if there was something wrong I could talk to her but I told her to fuck off. Like I’d want to talk to some strange girl who hangs around farms, tells lies and follows people about!”

“You were always hanging around the farm,” James couldn’t resist saying.

“Yeah but I was there because I wanted to be with you, wasn’t I?” Cal said. “I didn’t know what she was up to. But then…” He stopped, unsure if he should tell James the next part or not.

“Then what?”

Cal knew he could leave it. He could skip over the last part. Elizabeth’s decision would probably still make sense without it but the idea of hiding anything from James bothered him. James was his life: he had to know everything and now Cal had gone off on the Elizabeth tangent, he felt as though he had to see it through. “Do you remember that time you, Eli, Tina, Annie and Rob went to that concert in the next town?”

James nodded. “I don’t remember much about it. I know I drank a lot and threw up on Rob.”

“Yeah, I always thought that was one of the best things you’ve ever done!” Cal said. He smiled. “Until you kissed me anyway. Do you remember the part where I asked Eli to let me go to the concert too?”

James thought and shook his head. “I don’t think so. I only really remember what the others told me – and that might not all be true. I’m sure the part about me trying to get with two girls at once isn’t true.”

“It better hadn’t be!” said Cal but he had to admit it was very unlikely. “Anyway, I asked Eli loads of times if I could go and when Eli went out to meet the rest of you, I followed him and asked him again. He told me to go home. He…” He gave James an apologetic look. “You won’t like this but he hit me. I was probably slightly off-balance or something because I fell over and hit my head on the road.”

“Fuck!” James held Cal more tightly.

“It was an accident,” Cal said quickly. “I got up straight away. I felt a bit shaky but I thought that was just the shock. Eli seemed really worried about me but I said I was fine. But I didn’t really feel like going to the concert after that. I started to walk home but I fainted and when I came round, I was in an ambulance. They said a girl had found me: a passer-by. Her name was Elizabeth. They gave me tests but everything was fine so they sent me home the next day after they got in contact with Eli. They spoke to him and they seemed satisfied everything was okay but then social services came round. They didn’t say who told them about me but I knew it was Elizabeth. And then…” Cal stopped.

James looked almost as though he were in pain. “And then they took you away.”

“Yeah, they took me away,” Cal said. “And Eli didn’t stop them. I’m sure he tried but he didn’t stop them and then I thought maybe he didn’t want me. My mum and dad didn’t want me and Eli loved our mum so maybe he didn’t want me either.” Cal put his hand over his mouth but he couldn’t stifle a sob. “So I went into care. Because of her. And it was awful, James. It was so awful.”

James held Cal close to him. “I’m sorry, Cal. I really am. Some people are too quick to judge. I kind of understand: I do want to kill Eli for what he did to you but it’s not my place to do that and it wasn’t Elizabeth’s place to tell social services about you. She didn’t know enough about you to have any idea of the traveller culture and social services would probably do anything they could to get a traveller into school.” He kissed Cal’s hair. “Do you want to tell me some more or shall we leave it for another day?”

Cal didn’t think words could express the gratitude he felt just then. He’d hardly told James in it but he felt exhausted, physically and emotionally. “Is it okay if we leave it?”

James stroked Cal’s hair. “Of course it is, love. Let’s go to sleep. You can tell me the rest when you’re ready.”

**  
“I can’t believe you’d do that!” shouted James. “I thought you had a good reason, Cal. A good reason. But you just wanted sex, didn’t you? I was right the first time about you.”

Cal was crying. He couldn’t stop. “I didn’t want it, James. I didn’t. I only ever wanted you.”

“You’ve got a funny way of showing it. You weren’t forced to do it, Cal. It was your choice. So you must have liked what Ian was doing to you. It’s the only explanation.”

“I didn’t! I hated it! It hurt and I just wanted him to stop but I knew he’d find me again; I knew he’d always find me.”

“Then why not just go to the proper police?” James demanded. “Why didn’t you go to Ruth? She’s a traveller. She’d have known you were telling the truth. But that was no good when you were lying, was it?”

“She wasn’t in the police then,” Cal sobbed. “She only joined recently. And I couldn’t go to them. Travellers never do anyway and he had someone watching out for him.”

“Convenient for you,” James spat.

“James, why don’t you believe me?” wailed Cal. “You believed me before! You supported me before.”

James looked at Cal with contemptuous eyes. “That was before I knew the full story. I know it now and it’s not a pretty one.”

“I know,” Cal said miserably. “I know it’s not. I’m sorry, James. But I do love you. I love you so much and I always did.”

“So you’ve always said,” James said. “But your behaviour suggests otherwise. Now I think you’d better leave, don’t you?”

“No, James, don’t!” Cal begged. “Don’t do this. If I haven’t got you, I don’t know what I’d do.”

“Do what all travellers do!” said James. “Steal. Cheat. Lie. As you’ve been doing to me ever since we met. Now get out.”

Sobbing, Cal got up and walked towards the door. “I love you, James. I love you.”

“I hate you,” James said.

Cal wanted to run but his body was too heavy. When he felt James’ hands on his shoulders he thought he’d changed his mind but the hands were shaking him; shaking him so hard and he felt himself falling and he thought for a moment that James was going to do what Ian had done, only that was just wrong: he knew James would never do that and then he was awake and it was all a dream and James was there and none of it was real except Cal’s tears.

“Cal, love, it’s okay. It’s just a dream. You’re safe. You’re with me.” James held Cal’s face against his chest and pressed kisses into his hair. “I love you, Cal. Everything’s going to be okay.”

There was a click, rather as though a light had been switched on. Everything still seemed dark to Cal but he did have his eyes shut.  
“I heard screaming,” said Annie’s voice. “Is Cal okay?”

Cal couldn’t have answered if his life had depended on it (though he hoped he would have done if James’ life had depended on it) but James spoke, his voice calm and reassuring. “He had a nightmare, Annie. He has them sometimes.”

“Yeah, so do I,” Annie said, coming into the room. “I have nightmares that I put on two stone or all my hair falls out or Rob tells me he likes me. I usually go and get some ice-cream. Would Cal like some?”

Ice-cream? 

Cal thought he knew what ice-cream was but his thoughts were in such a jumble and he couldn’t imagine why Annie thought a pudding would be any help at all.

“I’ll ask him when he’s a bit calmer,” James said. “Thanks, Annie. Sorry we woke you up.”

“No problem,” Annie said and Cal thought she was finally going to leave but then she spoke again. “Was Cal dreaming about Eli?”

“I don’t know,” James said. “He hasn’t said anything yet. But it’s quite likely. I’m sure I’d have nightmares if my sister did that to me.”

Cal heard the light pad of Annie’s footsteps coming towards him; then he felt her hand on his shoulder. “Cal. You know I’d never let Eli in here, don’t you?”

“But isn’t Tina trying to get them together?” James asked.

“Yeah but not in here,” Annie said. “Cal needs a place where he can feel safe. Tina says Eli didn’t mean it but that doesn’t change the fact he did it. So I told Tina not to bring him here.” She gave a humourless little laugh. “I think it’s the first time I’ve ever disagreed with Tina. She didn’t like it but the sky didn’t fall in so I think we’ll probably be okay.”

Cal let go of James with one arm and groped for Annie’s hand. He still couldn’t speak but he held on tightly. 

They stayed where they were for a few minutes. Not even Annie spoke. Cal gradually felt the terror passing. He was with his friends. James loved him. And he didn’t think the dream would come true.

He lifted his wet face from James’ shoulder. He was grateful when Annie brought him a tissue but less so when she started drying his tears for him. “I can do that myself!”

Annie looked embarrassed. “Oh. Right. Yeah. Sorry, Cal. I got carried away. Right. I’ll er… get the ice-cream.”

“What was your dream about?” James said when Annie had gone. “Or would you rather not tell me? It seemed different from… you know. Your usual dreams. You don’t usually make a sound.”

Cal cuddled closer to him. He wanted to tell James everything that mattered but this was just a dream. It wasn’t real. He couldn’t hurt James when nothing had happened, no matter how terrified he’d been. “It was just a dream, pisliskurjéya. It doesn’t matter. It’s over now. I’m fine.”


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Cal goes to London, Rob comes along at just the wrong moment, Ruth has a surprise and Tina has some news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fillet o’ fish scene is a nod to a wonderful play called Hope, written by Jack Thorne who also wrote Glue. It was nothing like Glue (apart from having Tommy Knight in it – he was excellent and didn’t get killed off this time) but it did have characters who you couldn’t help warming to despite their dubious behaviour; characters who stay with you long after their story had ended; characters whom you wish had been able to end their story happily, no matter how perfect and right the original ending.

The next day, Cal was tired and James wondered if they should give the play in London a miss but Cal insisted he was fine. James had his doubts but he quickly realised that Cal had made the right choice. As soon as the train drew away from the station, he looked more relaxed. By the time they reached London, he almost looked happy. They both enjoyed the play; then they had dinner at McDonalds, which James insisted on paying for. 

“Have you ever had fillet o’fish?” asked Cal.

James shook his head. “Never.”

“Do you know anyone who has?”

James smiled. “I don’t think I do. It just doesn’t sound very appealing somehow. Do you want to try some?”

Cal made a face. “I don’t think so. I know I can be quite adventurous with food, James, but I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

**  
The next day, they got a bit of a fright when someone started banging on the tractor window. As Cal was on James’ lap and his hand was inside James’ pants, they both got into a bit of a panic and Cal fell off the seat and banged his head while James tried to zip himself up in a hurry and got part of the skin his finger caught in the zip. It was very painful but as Cal said afterwards, at least it wasn’t his cock.

Their unwelcome visitor was Rob. “Have either of you been sending me porn?” he asked as James performed the simultaneous feats of sucking his finger and examining Cal’s head.

“What, porn of us?” Cal said, surprised. “No. We haven’t even made a sex tape yet. Ow, James, that hurt! You’d better not have done that on purpose.”

James kissed him. “Of course I didn’t.” He turned his attention to his best friend. “No, Rob, we haven’t been sending you porn.”

“Someone has,” Rob said. He sat on the top step of the tractor and twisted round to look at James and Cal. “You’re sure it wasn’t you, then?”

James looked confused. “Do you think we might have sent it to you and then forgotten we’d done it?”

Rob laughed, though he didn’t seem very amused. “Anything’s possible with you, Jimjams. But I don’t know. I don’t know what to fucking think.”

“What kind of porn is it?” Cal asked.

“Straight porn,” Rob said. “Not your sort of thing at all.”

“Do you know who they are?”

There was a long pause before Rob replied: “I think I know who the girl is but I’ve never met the guy.”

Cal’s face broke into a delighted smile. “It was you and Tin-Tin, wasn’t it? Don’t try to deny it. Someone’s been spying on you!”

Rob looked a bit panicky. “No, it wasn’t! It definitely wasn’t Tin-Tin – I’d know if it was Tin-Tin – and I told you I’d never met the guy.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to have met yourself,” Cal said. 

Rob gave him a triumphant look. “Actually I did once, kind of. I saw this good-looking guy walking towards me. I said hi, I waved, he waved back. Then I walked into a mirror. No idea what that was doing there.”

**  
Ruth was at the farm again later that day. Rather hesitantly, James went up and asked how she was. He was half-expecting Ruth to have regretted her overture of friendliness a couple of days ago but she smiled when she saw James. 

“I was hoping I’d see you. I want to hear all about your girlfriend.”

James hesitated. Ruth was no longer a traveller but she had grown up in a caravan with Roma beliefs. Homosexuality, Cal had told him, was a taboo, just like cats (James had thought he’d misheard that but Cal had assured him he had definitely meant cats).

Ruth gave him an awkward pat on the arm that was probably meant to be friendly but it was difficult when they hadn’t spoken for so long. “Come on. So what’s her name?”

“Cal,” said James.

“Cal? That’s a coincidence. What’s it short for? Caledonia?”

“Er… no. Caleb.”

Ruth stared at him as though she didn’t quite understand. But then she smiled. “Well, I wasn’t expecting that but a lot of things make sense now. You and Cal always were close. Don’t worry: I’m not going to ask you any awkward questions about Cal being underage.” She lowered her gaze. “I’m in no position to criticise other people’s sex lives.”

James wondered for a moment if things had gone wrong with Dominic but then he realised Ruth meant Tina’s dad. “You don’t need to worry anyway. I’m waiting till Cal is legal.” Or at least until he has a passport that says he’s legal.

“I’m glad Cal’s got a boyfriend like you,” Ruth said after a moment or two. “It sounds like you really care about him.”

“I care about him a lot,” James said. To be polite he added: “Dominic’s a good guy too.”

Ruth smiled as though she knew exactly what he was thinking. “I know we’re not suited in some ways. But I think you’re right. He’s very sweet.”

**  
“You’re not serious!” said Cal.

James looked at him in some surprise. All he’d done was tell him Ruth was going out with Dominic. He thought that as Cal and Ruth had once been friends, he might be interested.

“I mean, I don’t like her or anything,” Cal said quickly. “I liked her when she was in the camp with us and I kind of wanted her to marry Eli because she had a bit more about her than most of the girls. Ruth’s always just gone after what she wants and I think that’s a good thing. Most of the time. But I don’t like her.”

“But you do like Dominic?” James asked with a stab of jealousy.

“What, you think I fancy him?” Cal said incredulously. “Of course I don’t! Too old, too stupid and too dodgy. It’s just… I don’t like Ruth or nothing but I’d stay away from him if I was her.”

“Dodgy?” James said, confused.

Cal still looked annoyed. “Can you really not see it, James? He’s always been dodgy. He’s never done anything to hurt you but he’s involved in all kinds of stuff.”

“What’s he been doing?” James asked, though he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. If he didn’t know about it, he was in no position to do anything about it. But Dominic was the horse trainer on his farm and if he was involved in dodgy activities, wasn’t it better that he knew about it?

“The main thing he’s been doing is smuggling cigarettes,” Cal said. “Rob’s in on it too.”

James was unsurprised but still dismayed. “Do you think Ruth might be going out with Dominic in the hope of finding evidence of something?”

“Possibly,” Cal said. “But I think it’s more likely Dominic is using her. To distract her from everything else he’s doing; to make her feel she’s got to be loyal to him if she does find something out; maybe he’s even got some crazy idea that she’ll tell him about all the cases she’s working on.” He pushed his hand through his hair. “But why do I fucking care? She’s left the camp and I hate her for what she did to Tin-Tin but it still bothers me, James.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina has some exciting news.

Cal was cooking dinner for James (because he wanted to) and Annie (because he felt like he owed her) when he heard someone thumping on Annie’s door. He looked around the kitchen in a panic. He wanted to run away and hide but he couldn’t turn the food off without spoiling it and he was worried about burning the place down if he left the house.

All he could do was not answer the door. Once he’d made the decision, Cal felt a little calmer. Eli or Ian might sit out there all day waiting for him but they probably wouldn’t break Annie’s door down.

To his relief, the knocking soon stopped but then Cal got a phone call. “Hi Tin-Tin.”

“Cal, will you open the fucking door?” Tina almost screamed the words into the phone.

“Fucking hell, Tina, are you trying to deafen me?” Cal said.

“Sorry, Cal. I’ve just got to tell you something. You’ll never believe it.” Tina’s voice wobbled. “I can’t believe it.”

“Shit.” As Cal hurried to open the door, he imagined all kinds of scenarios. Something had happened to Annie. Cal’s suspicions that Rob wasn’t being faithful to Tina were correct. James’ mum had found out about his relationship with Cal.

Tina’s eyes were wet but she was smiling. “You won’t believe it, Cal. You’ll never believe it.”

Then Cal had a worse thought. What if Rob had proposed? “What is it, Tina?”

“Dominic has told me I’m going to ride Blackout in the big race!”

Cal stared at her in disbelief; then he caught her up in his arms. “Tina, that’s fucking brilliant!” He kissed her on the cheek.

“Wow, am I the first girl you ever kissed?” Tina said, laughing.

“Probably!” said Cal. “But I seriously am so happy for you. You’ve been working so hard for so many years and you’re the best rider I’ve ever seen! I used to think Eli was good but you...” 

Tina’s voice was shaking. “You always told me it would happen, Cal. I never believed you.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you should listen to me in future!” Cal said. “Maybe I’ve got second sight. A lot of travellers do!”

Tina kissed his cheek. “Maybe you do. Are you up to going out tonight? When Dominic told me, the first thing I did was phone Rob and he said I should have a party so we’re all going for a drink tonight. Will you be able to come with us?”

“Yeah, of course. I’m looking forward to it.” Cal hugged her again.

Tina’s voice was apologetic. “The only thing is I will have to invite Eli."

_Fuck_. It shouldn't have been a surprise but it was.

"Sorry, Cal, but we’ve been riding together for years," Tina said a bit defensively. "And don't you think it's about time you tried being around Eli again? But there will be loads of us there. Me, you, Annie… you know, the usual crowd. And I asked Dominic to bring his girlfriend. He was a bit shocked: he thought I hadn’t noticed him tidying himself up after he finished work and putting cologne on. He didn’t seem keen but I told him it was about time she met everyone at the stable where he worked.”

Cal hoped Tina would attribute the horror on his face to the news about Eli. He’d been on the point of telling Tina there was no way he could go but the news about Dominic changed everything. If Dominic had any sense, he wouldn’t invite Ruth but Cal didn’t think he had very much sense at all. And even if he had, he might not know there was history between Tina and Ruth.

Ruth wasn’t lacking in sense, of course. If Dominic told her who his friends were, she might say no. But Cal wasn’t sure. Ruth seemed to enjoy goading Tina (though Cal couldn’t think why when Tina was the one who’d been hurt) and James had said rather defensively that Ruth seemed quite lonely. If she wanted to annoy Tina, she might easily decide to go. If she really was lonely, the exact same thing could happen.

Cal thought about texting Dominic and asking him not to invite Ruth but he thought that might make matters worse. Dominic wasn’t very keen on Cal at the moment. He’d met Cal when Cal was buying wrapping paper for James’ presents and there had been an exchange of words that was ambiguous enough to mean little to anyone who overheard them but to Cal and Dominic, the meaning had been clear. Dominic knew Cal had found out about the smuggling and he had a feeling Cal was responsible for one or two hiccups their plans had suffered recently. He was right and Cal hadn’t denied it. So it seemed unlikely that Dominic would pay any attention to any urgent appeals from Cal.

Unless there was some bribery involved, of course…

No. Cal dismissed that idea almost at once. James would hate that and Cal wanted more than anything to be the kind of boyfriend James deserved.

Tina put her hand on Cal’s arm. “I’m sorry, Cal. Maybe it is too soon to bring you and Eli together. But you are both so important to me. I’d love you to be there. It’ll only be a couple of hours: I need to be in peak condition for the race so there won’t be any late nights and heavy drinking sessions for me.”

“Of course I’ll be there,” Cal said quietly. “I couldn’t miss something like this. James is invited too, isn’t he?”

“Of course he is!” Tina said in relief as she gave Cal a big hug. “James is my friend, your boyfriend and kind of Blackout’s owner: there’s three good reasons for inviting him!”

And then Cal realised the full impact of Tina’s words.

Tina was going to ride Blackout.

She would win the race; Blackout would sell for a lot of money and then he and James would be able to get away.

“Cal?” Tina said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just really happy, Tin-Tin,” Cal said and he meant it. “It’s what you’ve always wanted and I’m so happy for you. Of course I won’t miss your party and I’ll do everything I can to make sure there isn’t any discord between any of us.”

But Tina didn’t seem to be listening. She was sniffing and Cal didn’t think it was from emotion. “Cal? I think I can smell burning.”

“Fuck!” shouted Cal and ran into the kitchen.

**  
James could tell something had happened. Cal’s eyes were bright with excitement and he’d run all the way from the kitchen when James had opened the door.

“James, you’ll never guess what!” Cal said when he’d finished kissing him.

James sniffed. “What’s that smell?”

“That’s the dinner but it’s fine. Me and Tina sorted it out,” Cal said. “Are you going to guess then?”

“We haven’t won the lottery, have we?” James said wistfully.

“Pretty much!” said Cal. He kissed James again. 

“Yes, I do feel like I’ve won the lottery,” James admitted.

Cal led him over to the sofa. “You should probably sit down. Partly because I don’t want you to fall over with shock but partly because I want to sit on your lap.”

“Really? Then I haven’t just won ten quid on the lottery: I’ve won the jackpot.” In James’ experience, there were only two situations in which Cal sat on his lap: when he wanted comfort and when he wanted a bit more than just a cuddle. Judging from the smile on Cal’s face, he didn’t need any kind of comfort.

James was happy to see it. Cal hadn’t had many reasons to smile lately.

“Twat!” Cal said lovingly. He sat on James’ lap and made himself comfortable. This involved rubbing himself against James’ cock. “Of course, you might know already considering you work on the farm but you’re not acting like you know.”

James tried to think but Cal wasn’t making it easy for him. He was playing with James’ zipper now. “I don’t think I know anything.”

“You’re not the first person who’s told me you don’t know anything,” said Cal. “But for the record, I don’t believe any of you. I think you’re very clever.” He gave James another kiss. “Tina was here today.”

“Oh yes? And what has Tina done to put my boyfriend in such a good mood?” James couldn’t be too jealous when Cal was looking at him like that but there was no harm in teasing him. It wasn’t as though Cal never teased James.

Cal smiled wickedly. “I’ll give you a hint. It’s to do with Tina getting her leg over and having a good hard ride.”

James hid his face in Cal’s shoulder. “Oh God. Tina didn’t show you that porn video Rob was telling us about, did she?”

“No way. Tina knows I wouldn’t want to see that,” Cal said. He pulled James’ zip downwards by about a millimetre. “Do you give up?”

James started wondering who else Tina might get her leg over besides Rob and having discarded ‘Eli’ as one of the worst possible things he could say, he finally realised what Cal meant. “Is Tina going to ride Blackout in that race?”

Cal pouted. “You weren’t supposed to guess right.”

“You don’t know which race I’ve guessed yet,” James said. “I meant the Grand National, of course.”

Cal laughed. “I bet she will one day but I mean the race that’s just coming up.” He hugged James so tightly, he felt suffocated, in a turned-on sort of way. “Isn’t it amazing, James? She’ll win the race easily and your mum will get a million offers for Blackout and we’ll get half the money and then we’ll be able to buy new plane tickets if we have to and have loads of money left over!”

James had a feeling it wouldn’t be quite that simple but he didn’t want to dampen Cal’s ardour. In any sense of the word, he added silently as Cal slipped a finger inside his pants. “Cal. You do realise Annie could come home at any moment?”

“Do you think it would be better to go into her bedroom so we can close the door?” Cal said seriously.

“Cal!”

“Okay, the bathroom then.” Cal opened James’ flies fully so he could get James' cock out. “On that nice rug on the floor. Not that I’m one of those gay guys who loves pink. I’m more into purple really. But I do like a nice soft rug.”

James nibbled his neck. “I hope you like nice hard things too. Because I’ve kind of… er… got one.”

Cal’s eyes widened in shock. “James Warwick, did you seriously just say that? I’m not going to last long enough to get to the bathroom if you say things like that.”

“Sorry,” James said but he wasn’t sure he meant it. “Er, you do know I just mean a blow job, don’t you?”

“There’s nothing ‘just’ about your blow jobs.” Cal stood up and held out his hand. “Come on then.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina is looking forward to a celebratory drink with her friends but James knows the chances of that are far from high.

James was used to feeling awkward at parties but this was definitely one of the worst – and Eli and Ruth weren’t even there yet. Tina didn’t seem to have noticed the atmosphere at all, which James thought was for the best, but he and Annie were terrified and Cal was so worried, he hadn’t even attempted to grope James. Even Rob kept glancing nervously in the direction of the door.

Tina had chosen a pub for her party, despite Annie’s pleas for a meal with champagne in a posh restaurant. James thought Tina had made the right decision. Mass brawls did generally attract quite a lot of attention in a pub but they could usually be put down to the consumption of too much alcohol, especially when the brawlers happened to be teenagers. Mass brawls in a restaurant were a very different matter.

James knew his failure to contact Ruth and ensure she stayed away from the party only increased the chances of a mass brawl. He’d been horrified when Cal had asked him to phone her and ask her not to come but as he was more scared of what might happen if she did come, he’d made the phone call, only to discover Ruth had changed her number. His attempt to contact her at the station had been met with: “I’m afraid Ruth isn’t here but I’m her supervisor, Ian. Can I give her a message?” and it was all James could do just to hang up the phone quietly without telling Ian he wanted to kill him. James had phoned Dominic after that but he’d told James rather abruptly that he was busy and he’d see him at the party.

“I am just so fucking excited!” Tina was saying. “I’ve wanted this for so long and I did believe it would happen one day because you’ve got to believe in yourself but now it’s happened, I can’t believe it’s real. Everything’s been so bad lately with Eli and Cal not getting on, though there are obviously good things like James and Cal being in love, which we might never have found out if Eli hadn’t… you know, done what he did but now something amazing has happened and I really finally think everything is going to be good at last!”

Annie hugged her. “It’s brilliant, Tin-Tin. And you’re going to nail it. I know you are.”

“As long as I get to nail you at some point,” said Rob, and Tina hit him, though she was smiling at the same time.

“Not before the race, Rob. I’ve got to keep myself in peak condition.”

Rob nodded with an earnestness James didn’t trust. “Of course you have. But in order to do that, you need to do lots of riding. But as you don’t want to tire Blackout out, I’m the obvious person for you to ride, aren’t I?”

“You fucking knobhead.” But Tina said it with affection.

“Hiya!” said a voice behind him and James looked up to see Janine. “Congrats, Tina! Brilliant news!” She gave Tina a hug. “Anything I can do, just let me know, okay? Anything you’re worried about, just give me a call.” She smiled at James. “You too, James. As this is so important for Tina, I’ll do any consultations or examinations regarding Blackout for free.”

“Thanks,” James said with a smile as Tina hugged Janine again; though his smile faded as he saw the fed-up look on Annie’s face. Tina and Annie had been friends for so long and although she’d never complained to James, he knew she was jealous of Janine. Annie wasn’t as stupid as a lot of people thought but the closest she got to understanding horses was shovelling their shit.

“Annie, you’ll be with Tina on the day, won’t you?” Cal said and James smiled at him, knowing Cal must have seen Annie’s jealousy and feelings of inadequacy too. Cal’s voice hardened. “It’s not a bad idea to have a vet _who knows what she’s doing_ but no-one can replace your best friend.”

James’ relief turned to confusion. It wasn’t just that Cal’s voice had changed but he’d also sent a look in Janine’s direction that James hadn’t been quite able to read. 

He squeezed Cal’s hand under the table and when Cal turned to him, James gave him an enquiring look. Cal just shook his head. Something was up but now was not the time for James to ask.

“Hi Tina,” another voice said and James couldn’t help flinching as he saw Dominic and Ruth approaching the table, hand in hand. Ruth had dressed up for the occasion, wearing a dress and heels and her hair down. James couldn’t help thinking that Tina, who was casually dressed, wouldn’t take kindly to that. James thought Ruth had simply misjudged the occasion, as he would have done if Cal hadn’t been there to talk him out of wearing a suit, but girls always seemed to think other girls were trying to outdo them. 

“Hi Dom-” Tina started to reply, clearly recognising his voice but then the smile froze on her face as she recognised his companion. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“You invited me,” Ruth replied with a most unwise smile on her face. James suspected it concealed nervousness but he doubted Tina would see it that way.

Tina glared at her. “I fucking didn’t.”

Dominic obviously hadn’t noticed there was anything off. He was still smiling. “Tina, you know Ruth, don't you?”

“Not quite as well as my dad does,” Tina said in such a hard voice that even Dominic realised all was not well.

“Oh. Yeah. I was hoping you'd be okay with each other now,” he said awkwardly and sat down at the table. “Rob! How’s everything?”

James watched them closely and saw the warning look in Rob’s eyes. “Good, Dom,” Rob said. “Everything’s good.” He gave a rather forced laugh that would have attracted everyone’s attention if they hadn’t been so worried Tina was about to kill Ruth. “But we should be talking about Tina today.”

“Yeah, so… let’s all be friends!” Annie said brightly.

Ruth looked at Tina. “I’d really like it if we were, you know. Friends, I mean.”

Tina’s face was a mask of hate. “Yeah, well, maybe you should have thought of that before you had a baby with my dad!”

“It’s all coming out now,” Janine murmured.

“Is that what you want, Jan-Jan?” Cal said sharply. “Because I’m sure Ruth’s not the only one with secrets.”

Janine seemed about to retort but then she changed her mind.

No, thought James. This was not going well.

It was probably the one circumstance under which Eli’s arrival could be considered a relief. “Hi Tina. Congratulations.” Eli walked around to her side of the table and held out his arms. “You deserve this, Tina. You really do deserve it and I know you’re going to win.”

Tina shot another malevolent glare at Ruth. Then she got up and gave Eli a hug.

Cal looked white and tense. He moved his chair closer to James’: it made a squeaking sound as it moved across the floor. James wanted to put his arm around Cal but he was worried about what Eli might do. He could understand why Cal was unhappy to see Eli but the arrival of Janine had clearly bothered him too. 

James had no idea why. His impression had been that Janine and Cal were friends but it didn’t seem that way now. He wondered for a moment if Janine had been attracted to Cal but he dismissed the thought at once. Janine was ten years older than Cal. If anything, Rob was the one she’d seemed interested in.

James’ eyes involuntarily went to Rob. He seemed to be looking at Janine too and he looked nervous.

James groaned silently. _Oh fuck. Tell me Rob isn’t that stupid_.

“Hi Cal,” Eli said awkwardly once he’d let go of Tina and sat down. “I’m glad you’re here. How are you?”

Again, James felt the whole table go tense, with the exception of Janine who just looked curious.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Cal said, his voice calm. 

“I’ve got some news,” Eli said. “I know this is Tina’s day and I don’t want to take anything away from her. But I’ve had a letter from the council. They’ve got us a house to live in.” He laughed nervously. “Me and Cal, I mean. Not me and Tina.”

“That’s probably just as well, mate, considering,” said Rob. He was probably trying to be casual but he didn’t quite manage it.

Ignoring Rob, Tina gave Eli a concerned look and put her hand over his. Annie looked incredulous but didn’t dare speak.

“You don’t have to, Cal,” Eli said quickly. “After everything that’s happened, I understand if you don’t want to. But anyway. The house is there.”

Cal bit his lip but said nothing. He looked upset. James stroked his hand under the table and wondered if he should say something.

Janine was the first to break the silence. “You’ll stay away if you know what’s good for you, Cal.”

Eli’s head whipped round. “It’s none of your fucking business.”

“Eli!” Tina said, distressed, and Eli’s face filled with regret.

“Sorry, Tina,” he said. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it really. I just wanted to tell Cal because I didn’t know when I’d see him again. But it’s your day. Let’s just think about you.”

“Actually, I think it’s everyone’s business when a child is being abused,” said Janine. “You can’t just sit back and do nothing. You’ve got to do something about it. I did it once before and I’d do it again.”

Cal stood up so violently, his chair fell over. “You are not putting me away again!” he hissed.

Eli’s head jerked upwards. “You’re the one who got Cal put into care?”

James looked up in confusion at Cal. “But I thought you said the girl who had you put into care was called Elizabeth.”

“Yes,” Cal said tightly. “You don’t think she’d stop lying now, do you?”

James shook his head. “Janine’s her real name. I saw her references.”

“Anyone can forge a reference,” Cal said dismissively. “Are you going to deny it, Elizabeth?”

He looked fixedly at Janine. She looked away first. 

“You asked me for help,” Janine said in a low voice. “I know you knew my name and my qualifications weren’t real but I thought you’d just googled me. I didn’t think-”

Cal’s voice shook. “I asked you for help because I knew what you’d done and I thought you owed me!”

James stood up too and put his arm around him. “Come on, Cal. Sit down.” He sat Cal on his own chair and picked up the one Cal had knocked over but he didn’t sit down. He stood close to Cal, one hand on his shoulder, but kept his eyes fixed on Janine. “So we’ve been employing a vet with no qualifications on our farm. A vet who incidentally ruined my boyfriend’s life.”

“Why, Janine?” burst out Eli. "Why?"

Ruth got to her feet. “Look, I’m sorry. I know this is a social occasion and I’m not on duty but I can’t let this go by. Janine… Elizabeth…. whatever your real name is… I’ll have to report you for gaining employment under a false identity.”


	25. Chapter Twenty-Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party doesn't end well for any of them but James is most worried about Cal.

“Listen, I’m good with animals!” Janine said. “Ask James. Ask Eli. I knew what was wrong with Crowley, didn’t I? I said he needed surgery and I was right.” She sighed. “It’s just the exams I’m not good at. When I’m with an animal, it’s like an instinct. I know exactly what to do. But when all I’ve got in front of me is a sheet of blank paper and a room of complete silence and rows and rows of students scribbling away, I just panic.”

“What did you do to my brother?” Eli shouted.

“Eli, calm down,” Ruth said authoritatively. “I can see you’re worried but could you just let me finish dealing with Elizabeth first? I am sorry, Elizabeth. I do think it’s unfair that exams count for more than a true ability to work with animals. But that doesn’t change the fact that what you did was against the law.”

Janine’s eyes darkened. “I’m not the only one with secrets, you know.” She looked at Cal. Then she looked at Rob, then Dominic.

Eli took a step towards Ruth. “But what about my brother?”

For once, Dominic thought quickly: he stepped protectively in front of Ruth. In that moment, Janine pushed her chair back from the table and fled. As soon as Ruth realised, she started to go after her but Dominic stopped her.

“Ruth, you can’t go after her on your own. She’s got a car anyway. I saw it when she came in.”

Ruth went still. “You know what her car looks like?”

“I’m a horse trainer. She’s my vet. I didn’t know she was a fake but I know what her fucking car looks like!” Dominic calmed himself down with an effort. “Sorry, Ruth. I suppose all this is getting to me too.”

Ruth touched his arm briefly and returned to the others. “I need to phone my superior to report this. Cal, I’ll need you to come to the station with me to speak to him. As you’re underage, I’ll need Eli to come as well but you’re welcome to bring James. We’ll need to speak to him anyway.”

“No!” Cal stood up. “Not now, Ruth. Please not now.” He tried to brush past James, who took hold of his hand and led him away.

“Cal, this is important,” Ruth said. “You’re the one who’s made the accusation. It’s a serious accusation, you know.”

“Cal!” Eli shouted but Dominic caught hold of him. “Let go of me!”

“After what you did to Cal last time?” said Dominic. “No way.”

“I’ll talk to him,” James said and hurried Cal towards the door. He lowered his voice. “We’ll ask to speak to a different policeman, love. It doesn’t have to be Ian.”

“No, we can’t,” Cal said desperately. “Please don’t make me, James. I can’t do it. I just can’t. Please let me go.”

James hugged him. He knew they couldn’t avoid Ruth forever but it probably would be better to wait till Cal was calmer. “Okay, love. I’ll come with you.”

“No, you can’t,” Cal said unhappily. “I wish you could: I need you but you’ve got to stop them coming after me. Say I stamped on your foot and ran off and you lost me. Can you do that?”

“No!” James said, holding Cal close. “If I said you did that, that would be assault and then Ruth would have to investigate that too. You go, love. I’ll think of something. I love you.”

“I love you too. I’ll call you.” Cal gave him a kiss and ran off. 

James felt his heart clenching as he watched him go. He didn’t want Cal to be out on his own at night. He would be safe from Eli and soon Ian would be too busy to look for Cal but James knew there were other people out there who might hurt him and he was so afraid.

“Where’s Cal?” asked Ruth.

“He’s gone,” James said. “I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean he’s gone?”

“He needed to get away for a while. I couldn’t stop him,” said James. “But I’ll see him soon and I’ll speak to him; explain what he has to do.”

Ruth didn’t look happy but there wasn’t much she could say. “Well, perhaps it is better if I speak to my superior first before I bring anyone in for questioning but I will need to speak to Cal. I’ll need to speak to all of you.”

Eli was still on his feet. Dominic was holding him but Eli still managed to glare at them all with ferocity. “Right. Has anyone else hurt my brother that I need to know about?”

“I’m sure no-one’s hurt him, Eli,” said Ruth and got her phone out of her bag, clearly about to call the person who had hurt Cal most of all. 

Eli was looking over his shoulder at Dominic. “You. You look guilty. What have you done to him?”

“I haven’t done anything to Cal,” Dominic said. “But I am going to tell Ruth what you did to him.”

Eli twisted himself violently, managing to wrench his arms from Dominic’s grasp. In the next moment, he was holding Dominic against the wall. “What have you done to him?”

“Nothing!” Dominic said, looking much less sure of himself now.

“Is everything all right?” A bouncer had approached their table.

“Yes, everything’s fine!” Tina said. “They’re just doing… role-play. Ignore us. Everything’s fine. We’ll try to keep the noise down.” She indicated Ruth. “Our mate’s in the police anyway. She’ll sort us out if things get out of hand.”

Ruth waited till the barman had gone. “Eli, kalmisáro! Na keres sar o dilo. Tho-tu mai gorde. Just let him go and we’ll talk about this properly.”

“You must have done something. You’re guilty of something!” Eli shook Dominic, completely ignoring Ruth.

Tina caught Eli’s arm. “Eli, please stop it. You said it yourself. This was supposed to be my day and now…”

Eli gave Tina a reproachful look. “I know, Tina. I know. But Janine… whatever her name is… she was right about one thing. When a child is being abused, it’s everyone’s business, especially when the child is my baby brother. I know it’s your day but I’m worried about Cal!”

“I know you are,” Tina said more gently. “You must be terrified and I know Dominic looks guilty but lots of people look guilty when they’re accused of something. I’m sure Dominic hasn’t hurt Cal.”

Eli shook Dominic. “But why would you look guilty if you’re not?”

“Okay, okay!” said Dominic. “I’ll tell you. I didn’t do anything to Cal. I just feel guilty because I fucked Janine a few weeks ago. Okay?”

Eli let him go. James turned to look at at Ruth. Her face was completely blank but that was how he knew she was hurting. She was blank because she wanted to hide her emotions. 

“It was before we got together,” Dominic said unconvincingly to Ruth.

“Go home,” said Ruth. She sounded tired. “All of you: go home. I’ll speak to my colleague and we’ll be in touch tomorrow.”

James was about to ask Ruth if she was okay – no-one else seemed to care that she’d just found out her boyfriend might have been cheating on her – but then Tina sank down in Eli’s seat and started to cry.

And James remembered it was supposed to be Tina’s special day.

“Tina.” Eli almost groaned her name. He put his arm around her. James cast an agonised look at Rob, expecting him to shove Eli out of the way but his face was displaying a guilty look that was horribly similar to the one on Dominic’s.

Annie went to Tina’s other side. “Come on, Tina,” she said gently. She usually seemed a few years younger than Tina rather than a year older but not now. “Let’s go home. I’ll look after you. It’s going to be okay.” But when she looked round at everyone else, there was an angry look on her face that James didn’t think he’d ever seen before. “I could kill the whole fucking lot of you for ruining Tina’s day! I really could.”

**  
James tried Cal’s phone but again the call was rejected. He’d hoped Cal would have the sense to go back to Annie’s but there was no sign of him either there or at his caravan. He guessed Cal was so frightened by the idea of talking to Ian, he’d gone into hiding somewhere, too afraid even to answer James’ calls. 

James was hurt and upset but he could understand it. A few weeks ago, Cal had been handling everything brilliantly but now everything had changed. His brother had attacked him and Cal had decided to stop fighting the emotions and memories he’d always tried to bury beneath a confident, controlled façade. James hoped that talking about everything would eventually make Cal stronger but now, while he was still in the process of understanding and assimilating everything, he was vulnerable, depressed, frightened and barely coping, even with James’ help.

James was sure that by the time they had the money, Cal’s passport would be ready and they would be able to take the first available flight to Argentina but the coming days were no longer simply a matter of waiting. Ruth knew about Janine and she would have no choice but to report the matter to Ian, which meant Ian would want to speak to Cal – and, in his capacity as a policeman, he had every right to talk to him.

And where was Ian now? He was probably out looking for Janine but what if he found Cal instead? 

James couldn’t bear it. Just the thought of it was making him feel as though he was going to lose control completely but his concern and love for Cal just about kept him sane.

A text arrived. James’ hand was shaking almost too much for him to access it but he managed it. He nearly cried when he saw it was from Cal. When he read the message, he did cry.

_Sry james cldnt ansa 2 scared still cant talk but pls come find me love u x_

He clearly was very upset: he’d forgotten to say where he was but to James’ relief, he replied almost at once when James texted to ask him.

_I’m coming love, don’t worry, I love you x_ , James texted back. He spent a moment or two contemplating whether it would be quicker to phone for a taxi to take him to the woods or run: he chose the second option. He didn’t really fancy the idea of entering the woods at night but he knew he had no choice. Cal had been in no condition to think sensibly and now James had to find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Romani Translations
> 
> Eli, kalmisáro! - Eli, calm down  
> Na keres sar o dilo - don't be an idiot  
> Tho-tu mai gorde - you're making it worse (not 100% sure this is correct but it's close)


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James isn't alone in the woods...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't Cry for Me has just received it's 50th kudos - thank you very much to you all. It's amazing to think how many people have read it and enjoyed it.

Once James reached the woods, he moved slowly, flinching at every twig that snapped under his feet, and only allowed himself the feeblest light from his phone: just enough to see by.

When he heard the voice he was so startled, he nearly yelled aloud.

“Where are you? Don’t play games with me, Rob. You said you wanted to see me. Where the fuck are you?”

James went still and allowed his light to flicker out. He knew that voice. It was Janine. And the fact she was on the phone to Rob suggested the guilty look he’d seen on his best friend’s face hadn’t been his imagination.

Why did Rob have to be such a wanker? Tina could be selfish at times (and as a sportswoman, she probably needed to be) but she was basically a nice girl who’d been a good friend to Cal. She was worth so much more than Janine, who wasn’t even a proper vet, though James was honest enough to admit that as far as the animals were concerned, she’d always done the right thing and given good advice. The animals trusted her because she always treated the animals well. It was a shame she didn’t extend the same courtesy to people. 

“Look, this isn’t funny.” Janine’s voice was shaking. “You said you wanted to help me. I could be miles away now if it wasn’t for you. Okay yes I’d be on my own but at least I’d be away from here instead of standing in the woods in the middle of the night just waiting to be picked up by the fucking…” Janine stopped speaking and James heard a beep as she disconnected her phone call. She took one step, then another. “Who’s there?” Her voice was little more than a whisper now.

She’d clearly sensed James’ presence. James hesitated for a moment, then made his decision. “Janine, it’s James.” He realised he should have called her Elizabeth but it was difficult, calling someone by a different name when you’d known them by a different one for so long. 

“What do you want?” Janine hissed. “Did Rob send you?”

“No. No, he didn’t,” James said. He turned on the torch on his phone again and swung it around until Janine’s figure was illuminated; she flinched away from the light. “I just want to know something. I understand why you lied about your identity. You love animals and Ruth is right: it’s unfair that you shouldn’t be allowed to do a job you can do brilliantly just because you can’t do the exams. But why did you want to hurt Cal?”

“I didn’t,” Janine said. “I thought putting Cal into care would be the best thing for him but it wasn’t really me that put them in there. All I did was report the situation. If social services hadn’t found anything, they wouldn’t have taken him into care.”

James stopped in front of her. “I’m not saying Eli was an ideal guardian,” he said, keeping his voice low. “He wasn’t. But social services might not have needed to find anything against Eli to put Cal into care. Cal is a traveller and he doesn’t go to school. That might have been reason enough.”

“Was being in care really that bad for him?” Janine asked. “I got away from my family the first chance I could and I was glad to.”

James hesitated. He knew that if she passed on the information to Ruth, that would only mean more questions for Cal but he knew Janine wanted to avoid arrest if she possibly could. “Cal wasn’t happy in care,” he said at last. “He was treated badly. A lot of children in care are. He was quite different when he came out.”

“Yeah, he was,” Janine admitted. “He’s completely changed but I never thought it was because of being in care. James, I know there’s no reason why you should believe me but I am sorry if something I did made Cal unhappy. I never wanted that. But I’m not responsible for what happened in the care home.”

James sighed. “No. Of course you’re not. And I suppose if all you wanted was to help Cal, I can only be grateful.” He saw Janine flinch. “What’s wrong?”

Janine looked at the twigs beneath their feet. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I’ve told lies all my life and until now it got me a better life – though I never told a lie about Cal.” Janine’s head lifted and her eyes met James’. “But it wasn’t just me being a good Samaritan. I wish it was but I wasn’t.”

“I'd kind of guessed that already,” James admitted. “Cal said you were hanging round the farm for ages; following him about.”

“Cal told you?” Janine looked startled. “He told you and you didn’t report me?”

“He told me about a girl called Elizabeth,” James said. “I didn’t realise until tonight that you were the same person. I thought there was something about her he hadn’t told me but I didn’t realise she was part of his life now.” He looked at her curiously. “Why did you do it?”

Even in the dark, Janine looked embarrassed. “I did it to get back at Eli. I thought he liked me. He didn’t. I was hurt and I wanted to hurt him. So I hung round the farm, watching him work like some dumb thirteen year old with a schoolgirl crush. I realised Cal was his brother and I noticed Cal spent a lot of time watching you. I guessed he had a crush on you. I watched for ages and I didn’t know what I could do because Eli wasn’t doing anything wrong but then one day I saw him hit Cal. Then a few days later, he did it again. Do you remember that time you found Cal crying by the cowshed and he told you to mind your own fucking business and ran off? He was crying because Eli had told him he was just like his dad and he was going to end up just like him.”

James knew he had no reason to trust a word Janine said but he remembered the incident. He also remembered that, a few days later at James' house, Cal had asked him if he thought he’d end up like his dad. James had told him there was absolutely no chance of that and Cal had looked so touchingly grateful. “Was that when you told him he could talk to you if he needed someone?”

Janine nodded. “It did all start off with wanting to get back at Eli but Eli really did hurt him sometimes. Usually physically but once or twice he said something that really upset Cal. He did seem like quite a happy kid - he was usually happy when he was with you or Tina and sometimes he and Eli got on really well - but when they did argue it was bad. It might have been nothing: siblings often have arguments that seem horrible but don’t mean very much. I might have been seeing what I wanted to see. But it really did look like there was something wrong there.”

James nodded. “I can see why you thought that and I think now that you were right. It's very sad how it all turned out but you did the right thing. And you looked after Cal when you called the ambulance for him as well.”

“Eli fucking punched him and then Cal fainted in the middle of the road!” Janine said. “I didn’t really want to hang around and explain what I was doing on your land but I couldn’t leave Cal lying there. So I waited till I saw the ambulance coming; waved to them; pointed at Cal; then ran away as soon as the ambulance stopped.”

James put his hand on her arm. “Thank you for staying with him. I do appreciate that.”

“Then… then that’s one thing I don’t regret.”

“And you were brilliant with the animals,” James said. “I don’t think any other vet could have saved Crowley.” He looked at her curiously. “You saved him. Even though he was Eli’s horse.”

Janine nodded. “I did it for Crowley. But honestly, I’d stopped hating Eli by then. Seeing the way he loved his horse… he’d do anything for Crowley and I liked and respected him for that. I still don’t think he’s a good guardian for Cal and I hope you’ll stop him from going to live with him but I stopped caring about Eli not long after I went back to vet school. Your farm was the reason I came back here. Your mum scared me to death – still does if I’m honest – but the way she loves the animals: that was something I could understand and I wanted to be part of it. And Dominic, he’s a complete wanker as a person and before you ask, I have no idea why I fucked him. Or maybe I do. It gets lonely, being a liar and you’ll take whatever you can get. But as a trainer, he’s one of the best.” 

“Yes, he is,” agreed James. “And so are you. My mum would never have put up with either of you if you weren’t the best.”

They shared a smile.

“Are you going to call the police now, then?” Janine said.

James shook his head. “No. I wouldn’t have done it anyway because it would make things awkward for Cal but now I’ve spoken to you, I think you’re actually a decent girl. I’ve always wanted to be a different person: I used to dream of changing my name and just taking off. But I never found the courage. You did.”

“But I did do bad things, though,” Janine said. “I provided Cal with ketamine. All the drugs he wanted.”

“I know,” James said, tears coming into his eyes. “But I also know why he wanted the ketamine. It wasn’t a good thing for him to be taking but he probably really did need it. I can’t tell you any more than that.” 

James’ phone rang. Janine jumped and swore but she didn’t run off.

“It’s only Cal,” said James. “Hi, love. Are you okay?”

“Where are you?” Cal asked, his voice scratchy.

“I’m in the wood. I’m with Janine,” James said. “We’ve talked about a few things.”

Cal’s voice filled with panic. “James, get away from her! You can’t trust a word she says.”

“I think she’s telling the truth now.”

“And I want to keep telling the truth,” Janine said. She took the phone from James. “Cal, I’m tired of lying. Tired of hiding. I just want to tell the truth; take what’s coming to me; start again as myself. Elizabeth Marshall.”

James took the phone from her. “Sorry, Cal.”

“But she can’t tell the truth!” Cal’s voice was shaking. “If she tells the truth, they’ll want to talk to me even more. They’ll want to talk to me about the drugs as well. You can’t let her do that, James. You’ve got to stop her.”

“I don’t know how I can,” James said.

“Okay, bring her to me,” Cal said. “Maybe together we can… just bring her here, James, okay? We can’t let her tell the police everything. We just can’t.”


	27. Chapter Twenty-Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The police arrive to speak to Annie, and Cal finally speaks to James about Ian.

“James, could you get that?” Annie called from the bathroom. “I’m in the middle of a delicate operation.”

As James was engaged in making an omelette, this really wasn’t a good time for him to answer the door but the only other person in the house was Cal. “Cal, could you finish cooking Annie’s omelette for me?”

In any other circumstance, Cal would probably have told him to do it himself but not this time. He took over without a murmur of argument and James went to see who Annie’s visitor was. He thought perhaps it might be Tina.

He was wrong.

“Hi Ruth,” he said. His “Hi Ian” was slightly more strangled but it was probably better than saying: _I want to fucking kill you for what you did to my Cal_. And he felt even more glad that he hadn’t let Cal answer the door.

“Hi James. I wasn’t expecting to see you here,” Ian said. “We were wondering if we could speak to Annie.”

“I’m afraid she’s in the middle of a delicate operation at the moment,” James said. “I’m not quite sure what that means but…”

“This is important, James,” Ruth said. “Official business.”

“Sorry.” James wasn’t sure why he hadn’t realised that before. Ruth and Ian were in uniform and Ruth had said last night that she and Ian would want to interview everyone who was at Tina’s party. “I’ll go and get her for you.” He quickly let Annie know that the police were here and her delicate operation would have to wait. 

Annie looked horrified. “Oh shit. James, please come and speak to them with me! I get so nervous talking to the police. I don’t know why. I just do. I never know what to do with my hands and I’m sure I look guilty.”

James would rather have gone back to Cal, who was probably considerably more frightened than Annie, but he didn’t want Ian even to suspect that there was someone else in the house. He sat beside Annie on the sofa while Ruth and Ian settled in the armchairs. James was glad he and Annie had claimed the sofa: the thought of Ian sitting on Cal’s ‘bed’ turned his stomach.

“Annie. This morning, a young woman was discovered in the woods, bleeding and unconscious,” Ian began. “The woman has been identified by Probationer Rosen as Elizabeth Marshall, known to you until last night as Janine Riley.” 

Annie put her hand to her mouth. “Oh shit!”

“Is she okay?” James asked.

“She’s still unconscious,” said Ruth. “But she’s stable.”

Ian continued: “The last known sighting of Miss Marshall was last night at a local pub, where I believe you and a number of your friends were celebrating. We will be talking to all your friends, including James, but we would like to speak to you first, Annie. Would you be able to come down to the station to make a statement?”

It was phrased as a question but James knew Annie had no choice in the matter. None of them would.

“Er… okay,” Annie said, her voice barely audible. She was shaking as she got to her feet. “Shall I come now?”

“If you could,” Ian said.

Annie was only wearing one false eyelash but if she remembered, she made no reference to it. “Okay. I’ll come now.”

“Thank you,” Ian said. He said it nicely as though he really appreciated it and James remembered how much he’d liked him the first time he’d met him.

But not anymore. He hated him now.

“James? W-will you come with me to the car?” Annie looked on the verge of tears.

At any other time, James would have offered to go to the police station with her. But he couldn’t. He had to stay with Cal. He walked beside Annie as the four of them went outside. “Don’t worry, Annie. It’s just routine. I’m sure they don’t think you did anything.”

“But I did do something!” Annie burst out. “I said I wanted to kill everyone for ruining Tina’s party. But I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean I’d actually do it!”

James put his arm around her as she started to cry. “I know that, Annie. I’m sure Ruth knows it too. But they’ve got to ask everyone. Just tell them what happened and I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“I don’t want to go to prison!” wept Annie.

“You won’t go to prison. You haven’t done anything wrong,” James said. They stopped beside the car and James gave her a hug. “Do you want me to phone Tina? I’m sure she’d want to be there for you.”

Annie shook her head. “Tina was really upset last night. That’s why I stayed the night there. I don’t want to bother her with this now.” She wiped her eyes and seemed to be trying to calm herself down. “I’ll be fine, James. You just look after Cal.”

**  
The floor was cold.

Cal wasn’t completely sure when he’d sat down. Or maybe his knees had given way: he didn’t know. He didn’t care. All he knew was that Ian had been there. He’d come to take Annie away but she literally wouldn’t hurt a fly (spiders were another matter but that was self-defence) and soon the police would realise this and it would be Cal’s turn. Maybe not next but eventually. No matter where he hid, Ian would find him.

He heard the door closing; then running footsteps. James burst into the kitchen and Cal shrunk away from him, terrified his ears had deceived him and Ian was still here. But it was only James.

“Cal, love, it’s okay. He’s gone.” James sat beside Cal and hugged him. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

“Cold…” Cal said faintly. He was very cold: his whole body was cold, he realised. Not just the parts of him that were touching the floor. But why did he care about that?

James took one of Cal’s hands. “Shit, you’re freezing. Can you stand up?”

Cal looked up at him blankly. He knew he could usually stand up without any problems and he thought he could remember how but his body just wasn’t doing it.

“I’ll carry you,” James said and scooped Cal up in his arms. As they entered the living area, Cal cast a frightened look around, still worried that Ian might jump out at him but of course it was all right. James had already said he was gone and James wouldn’t lie.

“Scared…” Cal said.

James sat down with Cal on his lap. “I know you are, love. I know.” He stroked Cal’s face: his fingers were warm. “I’m so sorry, Cal. I'm sorry about what happened but you're safe now. I won't let him hurt you again. Not in any way but especially not like that.”

Cal went very still for a moment. Then slowly, disbelievingly, he raised his eyes to James’ face. “You know, don’t you? You know what he did?”

“I… I don’t know for certain. But I can guess, Cal, and I’m so sorry.” James’ eyes filled with tears. “I could kill him for doing that to you. I really could.”

Cal still couldn’t quite believe it. “You know and you still love me?”

“Of course I love you!” James’ voice was full of emotion.

“You don’t think I’m… dirty?”

James’ fixed his teary eyes on Cal’s. “Of course I don’t think you’re dirty. He was the abuser, Cal. You were the victim. None of this is your fault.”

“You don’t think I’m damaged goods?”

A tear escaped. “Of course you’re not, Cal. I love you as much as I ever did. Actually no: I love you more because I love you more every day.”

Cal spoke through a lump in his throat. “I feel dirty and damaged every day. When I started doing… you know, that thing I did to earn money, I thought it might make it better. Because it was my choice. Ian was never my choice; I never wanted it. I thought if I did it and chose to do it, I wouldn’t feel so bad inside. I thought it would wipe away what Ian did somehow.” Cal’s eyes filled with tears. “But it didn’t, James! It made it worse. Because all those men, they were hurting me too. They were using me to make themselves happy. They weren't as violent as Ian and they mostly said nice things to me but I still hated it!” Cal began to sob. “I hated it but I had to get away from Ian and I needed money and I didn’t know what else I could do.”

He buried his face in James’ shoulder and felt James holding him securely. “You don’t have to do that again, Cal,” he said unsteadily. “You don't ever have to do that again.”

“So I thought when I slept with you, that would make it better,” Cal said through his tears. He lifted his head from James’ shoulder. “But you always said no and you’re right because it won’t change anything, James, will it? No matter what I do; no matter how wonderful you are every day, it’s never going to go away, is it? It’s happened. Nothing can ever change that.”

James held him more tightly. “Nothing can change what happened. But feelings can change and I’m sure you won’t feel this way forever. But however you feel, I will always be here. Always, Cal. Every second, I’ll be here.”


	28. Chapter Twenty-Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Annie make statements to the police but Ruth has her own ideas about what happened.

Annie came back an hour or so later, her face pale and tearstained. When Ian and Ruth returned an hour or two after that, James assumed they’d come for him or Cal but they said they needed to speak to Annie again. 

“What are we going to do?” Cal asked desperately several times as they waited for Annie to come home.

“There’s only one thing I can think of,” James said at last. “But I don’t know how you’d feel about it.”

“What is it?”

“We tell Ruth everything,” said James. “We tell her what Ian was doing to you and ask her to report it to someone outside the Overton police force. It’s only a small force so they’ll have superiors in the nearest big town.”

Cal shook his head. “It won’t do any good. They’ll come back here and speak to Ian and the guy watching his back will say I’m a lying gypsy and I made the whole thing up. Then he’ll use the whole male prostitute thing against me.”

“But we’ve got to tell Ruth something,” James said. “Otherwise she’ll come here with Ian and Eli and make you go off with them. I’ll try to get them to let me go too but Eli’s probably got to agree to that. Obviously, I’ll go after you in the tractor and demand to be with you but I don’t know if it’ll do any good. And what if Ian asks Ruth and Eli to go outside the interview room and leave you alone with him?”

Cal got to his feet. “I can’t see him, James! I just can’t.”

James caught his hand. “Where are you going?”

“To pack,” said Cal. “I’ll go to London and stay there till after the race.”

James stood up and put his arms around him. “You can’t, Cal. If you go, you’ll look guilty and then they’ll come and find you.”

“Then I’ll make sure they don’t find me!”

“Cal, listen to me…”

James stopped as they heard someone opening the door: Annie back from her second interview and probably not alone. “Wait here, love.” He left Cal in Annie’s bedroom and then went back to see Annie.

She was crying. Ian and Ruth were standing behind her.

Annie ran over to James and caught his arms. “James, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to tell them but they thought it was me! I told them I was at Tina’s all night but Tina told them she woke up during the night and I wasn’t there so I had to tell them I’d come here to check if you and Cal had got home okay and I told them about the blood and…”

James looked at her in horror. When Annie had come home that morning, she hadn’t said anything about checking on them during the night: she just said she’d stayed with night with Tina.

“It’s all right, Annie,” Ruth broke in quickly. “You did the right thing. We’ll take it from here.” She touched Annie’s arm gently. “Would you mind going to see if you can find the items of clothing we talked about in the interview?”

Annie nodded and departed. James had no trouble guessing which items of clothing Ruth wanted: the clothes he and Cal had worn last night. It had been so stupid of him and Cal not to wash them straight away. They’d assumed Annie was in bed and they hadn’t liked to use the washing machine in case it woke her up. But she hadn’t even been here.

In the end, not knowing what else to do, they’d taken the soiled clothes to bed with them. James had woken up at about six to find some of the clothes on the floor beside the sofa. Cal had probably half-woken up and kicked them out of bed. James had no idea how long they’d been there but clearly long enough for Annie to have seen them. 

“Is Cal here?” Ian asked, looking around.

“No,” James said at once. He thought there was a good chance it was true. Assuming Cal hadn’t frozen in terror as he’d done earlier, he was probably out of Annie’s bedroom window by now. “He’s not here. But I’ll come and speak to you now if you like.” 

**  
Cal hadn’t gone out of the bedroom window. Instead, he’d stood and listened and felt waves of agony as Ian and Ruth had taken James away. He wished he’d gone too so James didn’t have to face the police interview on his own but Cal was desperate to put off seeing Ian for as long as he could, still hoping against hope that something would happen to prevent the interview from taking place. He knew nothing would happen to him in the interview because Eli would be there but still the thought of it filled him with terror and he felt as though he would do anything rather than see Ian again.

He waited until he’d heard the police car drive away; then he went to Annie. She was crying hysterically and Cal was almost grateful for it. If she hadn’t been, he might have cried hysterically himself. “Annie.” He put his arm around her. “Don’t cry. It’s going to be okay.”

“They think I did it,” Annie sobbed. “They think I hurt her.”

“I’m sure they don’t think that,” Cal said. Even if they did, he thought she was safe. He was sure Ian would pin it on James if he possibly could. James had got the better of him so it would be in Ian’s interests to lock him away. It would also hurt Cal and Ian never lost an opportunity to do that. “I don’t think they’d have brought you home and taken James away if they thought it was you.” He held on to her for his own comfort as well as hers. “It’ll be okay. Don’t worry. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’ll be okay.”

**  
James carefully read his statement through and signed it. He was very anxious to get back to Cal but he wanted to make sure he’d included everything. Or rather everything he needed to include. 

It had been difficult. He hadn’t wanted to write anything about the problems between Eli and Cal. Any further sign of discord between the brothers could result in Cal’s being taken away again and placed in an even more vulnerable position than he was now. But Ruth had already made a statement about last night and she’d mentioned that Cal didn’t seem to want to live in a house with Eli. When asked about that, James said simply that Cal was a traveller and had spent most of his life in a caravan: living in a house was unnatural for him.

“But I understand he’s living in a house now?” Ian had said.

James had explained this away by saying Cal was furious with Eli for speaking to the council without consulting him so he was staying with Annie for the time being but that was only temporary.

But it was the last part of the statement that was really important.

_While I was talking to ~~Janin~~ Elizabeth, Cal phoned me to ask where I was. He was clearly upset so I thought I had better go and find him. Elizabeth came with me. We calmed Cal down and Elizabeth told Cal of her resolve to confess to the authorities and accept her punishment._ (James didn’t mention Elizabeth’s promise not to mention supplying ketamine to Cal.) _The three of us walked to the edge of the wood. Elizabeth said she would wait a bit longer for Rob. She asked me what the time was and I told her it was 11.04pm._

_Cal and I went home but it was dark. Cal tripped over a log and fell into a holly bush, suffering several cuts to his left arm and leg. I cut my arms helping him out and we both ended up with a small amount of blood on our clothes. When we got home, we took our ~~bloody~~ bloodied clothes off_ (James didn’t want to write anything that could be construed as swearing) _but we did not put them in the washing machine as we were unaware that Annie was spending the night at Tina’s and we were afraid of waking her. We were very tired and after tending to our injuries we fell asleep quite quickly. Unbeknown to us, some of our bloodied clothes fell on the floor during the night and Annie must have seen them when she came home to check on us. She probably intended to ask us about it but Annie rarely has serious conversations before putting her make-up on so we did not even know that she had been home during the night until after her second interview with the police._

**  
Ian didn’t offer James a lift home but he was glad. It probably meant they weren’t going to speak to Cal next. James started to walk home but he heard someone calling his name and he turned to see Ruth.

“James. I thought you might need some money for a taxi,” Ruth said awkwardly.

James shook his head. “Thanks but I can’t.”

Ruth held out the money. “Go on. It isn’t a bribe. Ian doesn’t know. He thinks I’m phoning home to check on Cassie.”

“Okay. Thanks.” James was anxious to get back to Cal, after all, and Annie hadn’t been in great shape when he’d left. “What are you going to do now?”

Ruth smiled. “You do know I’m not allowed to tell you that?”

“Yes, but I also know you’re not allowed to give suspects money for a taxi home,” James said. “Or why would you lie to Ian about it?”

Ruth didn’t answer for a moment. She was still smiling. “You don’t like Ian, do you?”

“Is there any reason why I should?” James asked evenly.

“He did you a favour when you smashed up that guy’s car,” Ruth said. “He didn’t have to do that, you know. He wasn’t supposed to do it. You seemed really grateful at the time but obviously something’s changed since then.”

James realised Ruth was much better at her job than he’d given her credit for. “It’s nothing to do with Janine being attacked.”

“Did I say it was?” Ruth said. “Anyway, I’d better phone for your taxi. It’s better if I do it: some of them are wary about picking people up from the police station. They seem to think that everyone we question is a violent criminal.” She made the call and then seemed about to leave but then she changed her mind. “I didn’t tell you this but we’re going to speak to your friend Rob next. I have to say I’m surprised at you, James. Reporting your best friend to the police.”

“I don’t think he did it but if he was around after Cal and I left, he might be able to assist with your enquiries better than I can,” said James.

Ruth nodded. “You did the right thing. It’s always better not to leave anything out. I don’t think it was Rob though. I shouldn’t tell you this either but it’s Eli who really stands out to me as the most likely person to have done it.”

“Does he?” James said, wondering how much she knew. “Does he have an alibi?”

“Only a very weak one that’s going to be difficult to check but it’s more than that. Eli displayed violent behaviour in the pub and we know he has a grudge against Elizabeth Marshall for reporting him. But Eli isn’t Ian’s number-one suspect at the moment. You’re the one who admits to being in the wood and speaking to Elizabeth.”

“I didn’t hurt her,” James said earnestly. “Neither did Cal.”

“I know you didn’t,” said Ruth. “But my gut feeling isn’t enough.”

James paused. "I was wondering..."

"Yes?

“Do you _have_ to interview Cal?”

Ruth looked at him curiously. “Of course we do but if Rob gets you off the hook, it should only be a quick interview for verification purposes.”

James spoke hesitantly. “I don’t suppose… is there any way I could be at Cal’s interview?”

Ruth’s eyebrows lifted but she made no comment. “I’m afraid not but I’ll bring you to the station with Cal if I possibly can. Eli will be there and Cal can request that I’m there too if that would help – though it’s likely Ian will want me anyway in case Cal starts speaking Romani.”

“I’ll tell Cal,” James said, though he couldn’t help wondering if Cal was still in Overton. It wouldn’t have surprised him if Cal had gone off somewhere. He was petrified and James couldn’t blame him.

Ruth was silent for a moment. “James? I don’t suppose you can tell me what the problem with Ian is? Obviously it’s something to do with Cal but I don’t think I understand...”

James did want to tell her. In his mind, he heard Elizabeth’s words: if a child was being abused, it should be reported. But he was mindful of Cal’s and Chris’ warnings regarding the police and also Cal’s feelings on the subject. 

“It’s okay,” Ruth said once a few agonising seconds have passed. “You don’t have to say anything now. It’s actually probably best you don’t: I am legally obliged to act on certain types of information but I get the impression it’s a very complex situation where there’s a danger of making things worse.”

“It is very complex,” James said, relieved.

“But if you decide you would like me to help you, then I’m right here,” said Ruth. “Cal and I grew up together. I practically thought of him as family. Just because I left the community and joined an organisation we were brought up to dislike and distrust, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about Cal.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James, Cal and Annie discuss theories; James and Cal share a private moment and two people visit when Cal and James are asleep.

James looked tired and worried when he returned but to Cal’s relief, it didn’t look like they’d made him cry. 

“Are you okay, pisliskurjéya?” Cal asked as he held out his arms.

“I’m fine.” James kissed him and held him close for a moment before giving Annie a hug too. “They’re going to speak to Rob now. I kind of dropped him in it.”

Annie gasped. “Seriously? Your best mate? Though actually Tina kind of dropped me in it. Then I dropped you in it. So I can’t really complain.”

“You and Tina did it by accident,” James said. He put his arm around Cal again. “I just wanted to keep Cal safe.”

“Why wouldn’t Cal be safe?” Annie asked. She turned to look at Cal. “You didn’t do it, did you?”

“How could you even ask that?” snapped James.

Cal didn’t even try to keep the hurt from his voice. “Of course I didn’t do it, Annie! I told you why our clothes had blood on them. How about you tell us why you were really sneaking around in the middle of the night?”

Annie looked stricken. “I told you! I came looking for you because I was worried about you.”

“Listen. We’re all upset,” James said, his arm still around Cal. “We should be supporting each other; not accusing each other.” He led Cal over to the sofa and Annie sat on his other side.

Cal felt James nudge him gently but with intent. “Sorry, Annie. I didn’t mean it. I was just upset like James said.”

Annie released her breath in a sigh. “I’m sorry too, Cal. I didn’t really think it was you. it’s just so horrible that someone would do that. And the police thinks it’s one of us.”

“It doesn’t have to be one of us,” James said. “Janine… Elizabeth was alone in a wood at night. Anyone could have been wandering around out there.”

“Some passing nutter,” Cal said in an attempt at humour but no-one so much as smiled.

“None of us have even got a motive,” Annie said. “Have we?”

“We’ve all got a motive,” said Cal. “I hate her because she put me in care. James hates her because she put his boyfriend in care. Eli hates her because she reported him for being an unfit guardian. You hate her because she ruined Tina’s party. Tina hates her because she ruined her party. Ruth hates her because she slept with her boyfriend. I’m not sure about Dominic but he might not be very happy if Janine broke up with him. Same with Rob.” 

“No, I don’t think Rob slept with Janine!” Annie said. “He loves Tina. Either they were meeting about something else or it’s a different Rob. It’s a very common name.”

“It could be Dominic, though,” said James.

Annie shook her head. “I don’t think it’s him either. He’s soppy about Ruth. Have you seen the way he looks at her? Even if he did like Janine, he’s over her now.” She looked apologetically at Cal. “I suppose if I had to say who it was most likely to be, I’d say Eli.”

Cal nodded. He’d come to that conclusion himself. “Eli’s obviously capable of violence.” He shivered and moved closer to James, who hugged him tightly in response. “But I wouldn’t completely rule out Rob and Dominic.”

“Because of the illegal activities they’re involved in?” said James.

“Illegal activities?” Annie looked at them blankly.

“Dominic and Rob are involved in smuggling; a bit of dodgy gambling; all sorts of stuff,” Cal said. “I found out and sold information about what they was up to. When Dominic found out I knew about it, he wasn’t very happy. He didn’t do anything to hurt me,” he added quickly as James gave an exclamation of concern. “But maybe Janine found out too and threatened to go to the police or something.”

Annie snorted. “I don’t think she’s in any position to criticise someone else’s illegal activities.”

“In a weird way, she does seem to want the best for people,” James said thoughtfully. “She didn’t want Cal to be brought up by an unsuitable guardian and she told him she was there if he needed to talk. She also called an ambulance for him once. She always did her best for the animals on the farm too. She can be a bit sharp but I think she’s basically a good person.” 

“Yeah, sleeping with other people’s boyfriends: that sounds like a good person to me,” Annie said.

James floundered but only for a moment. “Maybe not but if that makes her a bad person, aren’t Rob and Dominic even worse? But we don’t actually know they cheated on anyone. We’re just guessing that Rob slept with Janine, and Dominic said he slept with her before he got together with Ruth. He might be telling the truth.”

Cal screwed up his face in thought. “Okay, I know it’s not any of us three or Tina. I don’t think it’s Rob: I don’t think he’s capable of knocking someone out. He’d mess it up somehow. So that means it’s Eli or Dominic.” He paused. “Or Ruth.”

“But Ruth’s a policeman!” Annie said, shocked. “Or woman. Or officer. Or whatever.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Cal said. “All kinds of wankers get to be policemen.” 

**  
Cal stood in the shower, his back to the door, and tilted his head back so the flow of the water mingled with the tears on his face. He’d already had one shower today but it wasn’t the traveller traditions of cleanliness that were prompting a second: it was more that despite everything James had said to him, he still felt dirty and he was having another shower in the vain hope that the feeling might finally be washed away.

It didn’t work of course. It never did. But at least the shower washed away his tears and drowned out the sound of his sobs.

He didn’t hear the door open; didn’t hear anything until someone touched his shoulders, turning him to face him. Cal couldn’t help but cry out but even as he did, he realised he had nothing to fear. It was James. He was safe with James.

“Cal, I’m sorry: I thought you heard me.” James held him tightly. “I did say your name and you kind of moved but I suppose you didn’t hear.”

“I didn’t,” Cal said but he’d already forgotten his moment of fright. James was also naked and his body was already slick and wet. Cal ran his fingers lightly down James’ back and felt his breathing hitch in response. Lower down, as Cal’s cock began to swell, he felt the same reaction in James’. Cal started to kiss along James’ shoulder towards his neck; James arched his back in response and although the sound he made was lost in the sound of the water, Cal felt his shoulders lift as he breathed in and out. 

When Cal reached James’ mouth he kissed him desperately. He knew that if it was possible to kiss the pain away, James would have done it long ago but now he just wanted to feel loved. James had promised he still loved and desired him but Cal needed to see and feel it for himself. James kissed back with equal passion, their tongues tangling as James stroked Cal’s cheek.

Cal slid his hands further down until they reached James’ arse. He held it tightly, holding his body so his now fully-hard cock slipped between James’ legs. He felt James writhing beneath him and his hands moved through Cal’s hair so quickly it almost hurt. 

But not quite. James would never hurt him.

Cal was aware of James’ cock, hard against his stomach, and started to kneel down, intending to take it in his mouth but James stopped him. 

Cal looked up at him fearfully as he silently asked James why he was rejecting him; James replied with a kiss that was warm and reassuring and Cal knew it would be all right. In the next moment James was the one on his knees, taking Cal’s cock in his hand and caressing it; planting kisses along its length as though it was something precious.

Perhaps to James it was.

James looked up and held Cal’s gaze for a moment before lowering his head and taking Cal in his mouth, gently lavishing him with his lips and tongue. Cal’s blood began to pump inside him but at the same time a part of him relaxed. James desired him but he also wanted to reassure him that his love and trust weren’t changed at all now Cal had been honest with him. 

And why should they be? Cal asked himself. James had already known; had known for a while. He hadn’t loved Cal any less before. Of course it wasn’t going to change because Cal had finally found the courage to tell the truth.

The rhythm of James’ lust increased and Cal forgot about everything but the guy on his knees before him, licking and sucking and loving him.

He felt himself nearing completion and tried to withdraw: James had always been afraid to swallow with his weak stomach and Cal would never force him into anything but James’ held Cal’s head tightly, not allowing him to move and once Cal had come and James had swallowed and Cal was on his knees too, hugging James as the water teemed down upon their heads, he knew that he was loved and that no matter what happened to him; no matter how Ian made him feel, Cal was no longer on his own.

**  
James and Cal were almost asleep when the knock came at the door. Cal tried to get off the sofa in a hurry and tripped over the edge of the duvet, pulling the rest of it off the bed and James with it. By the time Annie appeared, wrapped in a bright pink dressing gown, James and Cal were still trying to extricate themselves from the duvet. Annie waited patiently till they’d hidden themselves in the kitchen; then she went to answer the door.

A moment later, she returned to the kitchen. “It’s Ruth. She wants to talk to you: she says it’s completely unofficial and off the record.”

The sound of wailing filled the air.

“Oh shit: is she all right?” said James.

Cal looked at him with loving exasperation. “James, that’s not Ruth. Can’t you recognise a baby crying when you hear it? Though she must be a bit more than a baby now.” To James’ surprise, he strode out of the kitchen, speaking over his shoulder. “Annie, heat up some milk or something, will you? For Cassie, not Ruth.” By the time James had joined him, he was taking Cassie from Ruth. “Come to Uncle Cal!” He lifted her up towards the ceiling and Cassie squealed in delight.

“I wanted to come and see you but I hardly get any time with Cassie as it is,” Ruth said. “And she had a health scare about a week ago so I don’t like leaving her.”

“Is she okay now?” Cal asked as though he really cared.

Ruth nodded. “She’s fine now. She’s recovered from it a lot more quickly than I have, to be honest.”

James watched in amusement as Cal sat Cassie on his lap and talked to her in a mixture of English, Romani and baby talk. He’d thought he knew Cal very well but he’d had no idea he liked babies.

“I’m sorry for getting you out of bed,” Ruth said awkwardly as though she’d only just noticed their attire. “I like your pjs, James. I’m sure I’ve seen that horse symbol somewhere before.”

James glanced over at Cal but Cal gave a quick shake of the head and James decided not to show Ruth his moon-horse pendant. “It’s okay. It’s not like it’s late or anything. What did you want to talk to us about?”

“We found the taxi driver who took you and Cal home,” Ruth said. “He confirmed the time and the fact he dropped you at Annie’s address. There was no other calls to pick anyone up either from Annie’s or the woods and no-one picked up two guys answering to your descriptions.”

James looked at her curiously. On the surface, it sounded like good news but he couldn’t help wondering what Ruth was doing here, giving them details of the case.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James, Cal and Annie find out why Ruth has really come to see them.

“Dominic said he was playing cards with his dad and his dad confirmed it,” Ruth continued. “Eli said he spent the night wandering around looking for Cal – but he didn’t look in the woods. He says he met some other travellers and asked about Cal but they moved on this morning. We’re trying to trace them but even if we find them, they might choose not to answer our questions. Tina and Annie confirmed each other’s stories about being at Tina’s house at midnight and basically Ian’s happy but there is a slight question mark over them because Annie lied the first time she was questioned. But that’s something Ian’s experienced before: some people are scared of admitting that they’ve done something out of the ordinary because they think that’ll make them look suspicious so they lie about it. We’ve had to make a note of the fact Annie was prepared to lie to the police but we really don’t think it’s her or Tina.”

“What about Rob?” asked James.

“We spoke to Rob but he didn’t go to meet Elizabeth,” Ruth said. “He was going to but then he ran into his dad, who wanted to speak to him about university. Apparently, Rob’s been avoiding the subject – and his dad – for days. Elizabeth’s injuries had clearly been inflicted before midnight – it started raining just after midnight but the ground underneath Elizabeth was dry. Rob was home by 11.15. So it looks like he’s in the clear.” She turned a worried gaze to James and Cal. “But you’re not. You would have had just about enough time to go back to the woods on foot and attack her before the rain started.”

James looked at Cal but he was playing some sort of game with Cassie and didn’t seem to have taken in what Ruth had said.

“We didn’t do it, Ruth,” said James. 

Ruth lowered her head. “I know you didn’t. Because… well… you weren’t the last people to see Elizabeth. Two other people saw her after you did. If you’d returned to the scene of the crime by the nearest road to Annie’s house, you’d have been seen. If you’d gone by another route, there wouldn’t have been time for you to get there before the rainfall.”

Annie appeared with a cup of milk. “I made this for Cassie.”

The worry momentarily faded from Ruth’s face as she smiled at Annie. “Thanks. That was nice of you.”

Annie looked embarrassed. “Oh, er, no problem. It was Cal’s idea.”

“Can I give it to her?” Cal asked eagerly.

Ruth tested the temperature of it with a finger. “We’ll let it cool down a bit first.” She brought Annie up to speed with what she’d told James – and this time, Cal listened.

“Who was the last person to see her then?” he asked. He looked curiously at Ruth. “Why are you here anyway?”

“I’m here because… the last person to see Elizabeth Marshall was me,” Ruth said. She ignored Annie’s gasp. “Well, me and Dominic. I phoned Elizabeth and asked to speak to her unofficially. Dominic followed me to the woods. Afterwards, me and Dominic left the wood together and stood talking outside it for about fifteen minutes. We didn’t see anyone and we only left when it started raining. So of course, what I should do is tell Ian and then you two will be off the hook.”

James looked at her closely. “Yes. But you haven’t, have you? Is that because of Dominic? You don’t want to get him into trouble?”

“It’s nothing to do with Dominic,” Ruth said dismissively. “The problem is, if Ian finds out I was there that night, I’d be off the case but I’ve got a feeling you need me on the case. I don’t know about you, Cal, but James definitely doesn’t like or trust Ian. And I don’t think James would feel like that unless he had a very good reason.”

Cal was looking at Cassie again but this time he didn’t seem to be really seeing her.

Annie was staring at them all in turn. “There’s things going on that I don’t know about, isn’t there?”

Ruth continued as though Annie hadn't spoken. “I looked at Ian’s records, Cal. It says he's arrested you four times but didn’t charge you with anything. So you obviously know each other – and that was interesting because when I asked Ian if he knew you, he said he didn’t. I suppose it’s possible he’s arrested so many young boys, he’s forgotten who all of you are – and that’s not impossible. Ian’s arrested a lot of young boys and a surprising number of you came from the same care home. But you’re the one he’s arrested the most in the last couple of years and it says you’ve also assisted him in a couple of enquiries.”

James saw Cal press a hand to his mouth. He looked upset but he was still holding Cassie securely. Instinctively, even. James put his arm around Cal.

“I… I… I can’t talk about this,” Cal said, his voice shaking.

Ruth checked the temperature of Cassie’s milk. “Shall I take her, Cal? I’m sure you’ll have the chance to feed her another time.”

Cal surrendered Cassie without argument and moved closer to James, who wrapped both arms around him.

“So that’s why I haven’t told Ian about seeing Elizabeth in the wood,” Ruth said. “If I’m on the case, I can make sure you’re not alone with Ian. I can be present in all your interviews. I can do my best to make sure you’re treated fairly and that the case is dealt with properly. If you want to make any kind of report against Ian, you’ll have my full support. Once the report is made, Ian will be off the case, which means I’ll be able to admit to seeing Elizabeth Marshall in the wood.”

Cal dropped his gaze. His face was white and his hands twisted together.

“Come on, Cal. You can tell me what happened,” Ruth said. “Me sim tíri amíka. Mangav te azhutiv tu. If Ian’s doing something he shouldn’t, especially something that involves young boys, he has to be stopped.”

“Ruth, I…” Cal’s voice caught.

James rubbed his back. “Take your time, Cal. There’s no rush, Ruth, is there?”

“Well… we’ve got the rest of the night,” said Ruth. “I don’t want to worry you but I think Ian will want to speak to you tomorrow, Cal.” She picked up the cup and held it for Cassie, her eyes on her daughter, giving Cal time and space. 

Cal turned troubled eyes to James, who kissed his forehead and gently stroked his cheek. Cal rested his head against James’ shoulder.

“Cal, love, it is up to you,” James said, looking down into the face he loved. “If you can’t say the words yourself, I can say it for you. But Ruth might be able to help. I think she’s basically got it all figured out. She just needs one of us to confirm it.”

“But there’s nothing she can do,” Cal said, his voice steady but defeated. “No-one would believe me.”

“I wouldn’t tell Ian,” Ruth said. “I’d go above his head: speak to his superior.”

Cal shook his head sadly. “You can’t trust him either. He knows all about it. I wasn’t the first, you know. There were others in the care home before me.”

“I thought as much from the reports,” Ruth admitted. “I suppose you might have made a mistake about Ian’s superior – I hope you have – but I can’t take the risk. I’ll go higher up. As far up as I can. We can’t let Ian get away with this. But first I need to ask you two questions and I need you to answer them, Cal. I know it must be difficult for you but I need to know what I’m dealing with. Was Ian’s abuse of you physical?”

Cal nodded. “Yes.”

“Was it… was it sexual?” Not even Ruth could hide her emotion as she asked that question. Or her horror as she heard Cal’s reply.

“Yes,” Cal whispered as his eyes filled with tears.

“Oh my God!” gasped Annie. 

Ruth reached out and put her hand on Cal’s. “Cal, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’m so sorry. But I’ll do everything I can to help you. Dav solax. Ian won’t hurt you again.”

“Thank you,” Cal said. It was all he could say. He turned and buried his face in James’ shoulder. He didn’t make a sound but he was wracked with shuddering sobs.

Ruth patted Cal’s arm a couple of times. She looked at James. “I really will do everything I can.”

“I know you will,” James said and held Cal more tightly. “It’s going to be okay, Cal. We’ll sort this out.” He felt like crying too but he managed to hold back the tears. “I’m so proud of you for telling Ruth. I know it won’t be easy but I love you and I’ll be here for you.”

“We’re all here for you, Cal,” Ruth said.

Annie was crying. “It’s just too horrible! How could anyone do that?”

Ruth picked up Cassie in one arm and sat on the arm of the sofa, putting her arm around Annie. “It’s always a shock when you experience something like this for the first time. I’ve been trained in how to deal with it but it’s still horrible. Really horrible. But we’re going to help him, Annie.” She thought for a moment. “It’s probably best if we all go together. We should leave early before Ian starts work. Try and get some sleep now. Is it okay if I stay here?”

Annie nodded through her tears. “Of course. I don’t want you to go. I think we’ll be safer if we stick together. Oh my God: what about Tina?”

“I don’t think Tina’s in any danger from Ian,” James said as he rocked Cal in his arms.

“How do we know that? He attacked Janine, didn’t she?” said Annie.

There was a startled silence, then Ruth replied: “There’s no evidence to suggest it was Ian.”

“But James and Cal said it’s got to be someone who’s capable of violence,” Annie said. 

“Yes, but someone who’s capable of violence towards one type of person won’t necessarily be violent towards everyone,” Ruth said. “Ian is violent towards young teenage boys. I wouldn’t say Janine is the finest example of adult femininity but she’s hardly in the young boy category.”

James didn’t miss the dig at the girl who’d slept with her boyfriend but he didn’t mind it. Ruth was a competent and very intelligent police officer but she was also a human being.

Annie sounded far from reassured. “But how do you know? Some people are violent towards anyone who gets in their way. Or maybe it used to be young boys and now he’s branching out.”

Ruth looked mildly annoyed but she made the effort to speak patiently. “Would it make you feel better if I went to pick up Tina and brought her here?”

“Would you?” Annie said.

James paused only to kiss Cal’s hair. “Annie, I don’t think Tina’s going to agree to go anywhere with Ruth. Especially if – sorry, Ruth – Cassie’s here.”

“But Ruth’s our friend now!” Annie said.

“But not Tina’s friend,” James said. “I’m sure Tina will be shocked and upset about what happened to Cal and she’ll agree about reporting it to the police but that doesn’t mean she’ll be ready to get into a car with Ruth. She’s probably with Rob, anyway.”

Ruth nodded. “I’m sure Tina will be fine. We should probably all get some sleep now so we’re ready to leave tomorrow.”

“Thanks for everything you’ve done for us, Ruth. I really appreciate it and I’m sure Cal does too.” James kissed Cal again. “Come on, love. We’d better get you into bed.”

The fact that Cal completely failed to tease James about his use of words and the group sex implications showed just how upset and exhausted he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Romani translations
> 
> Me sim tíri amíka - I am your friend.
> 
> Mangav te azhutiv tu - I want to help you
> 
> Dav solax - I promise


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal faces the most difficult interview of his life.

It was all arranged. Annie was in the shower; Ruth was looking through Annie’s wardrobe in search of something she’d be seen dead in and James was eating a hurried breakfast and telling Cal again that everything would be all right.

But Cal didn’t believe it.

James finished his breakfast and put his arm around Cal, who’d refused to eat anything. “Are you okay, love?”

Cal didn’t know what to say so he just nodded.

“I know it must be scary,” James said as he stroked Cal’s arm. “It’s a big step. Ruth will do most of the talking and I’ll help you all I can but they are going to want to hear your side of the story too.” He turned Cal’s face towards him. “But I know you can do it, love.”

“I… don’t know,” Cal said softly; almost inaudibly.

“I know you can,” James said again and leaned forwards to kiss him. His lips were warm and Cal knew he was trying to give him the extra strength he needed. He wished it could work: he wanted so much to be able to do this for James. He wanted to make James proud of him – and obviously, he wanted Ian to be locked away where he could no longer hurt anyone.

But he still couldn’t believe it was possible.

“Right: are we all ready?” Ruth asked as she came into the room. She was dressed in the clothes she’d worn the day before. 

“You decided against the pink leggings then?” James said in a futile attempt to make Cal smile.

Ruth nodded. She wasn’t smiling either. “I didn’t really think they’d help me look like a competent police officer. But don’t tell Annie I said that.”

Annie came out of the bathroom with Cassie in her arms. “We’re ready! Look, Cal: I’ve got my power eyelashes on today.”

Cal almost wished he had some. Maybe power eyelashes would make the difference. 

But they probably wouldn’t.

James gave Cal another kiss. “Come on, Cal. Let’s go.”

Cal slowly got to his feet. His limbs felt heavy and could barely lift his feet from the floor. James’ arm around his shoulder seemed more like a weight pushing him on rather than a support. He simply did not know how he was going to get through it. It was one thing to talk to James or to give one-word answers to Ruth but to make a report to the police seemed insurmountable; impossible.

They reached the car. Annie got into the front seat while Ruth strapped Cassie into the baby seat. James opened the other rear door and held it open for Cal. “In you go, love.”

Cal looked into the car. He bent his head and put one foot inside the car. He stopped.

James put a hand on his back. “It’s okay, Cal. Get in.”

Cal stayed where he was for what seemed like a long time. But then his eyes filled with tears and he took his foot out of the car again and turned away. “I can’t do it.”

James hugged him. “Yes you can, love. You can do it. Go on.”

“No, I can’t,” Cal said as his tears began to fall. “I know I’m stupid and a coward and just a complete wanker when you’ve done so much to help me but I just can’t, okay?” 

**  


They were all very kind to him. Cal wasn’t sure he deserved it but they all insisted it was all right and they understood. As Ruth wasn’t going to take Cal to report Ian, she decided she’d better go to work as usual, but she stayed with Cal for as long as she could. “A lot of victims of abuse have trouble talking about it, Cal. It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have rushed you.”

Cal didn’t like the word victim but that was mainly because it was accurate. He was a victim. Perhaps he would always be.

He certainly felt like a victim when Ruth returned less than an hour later to say that Ian wanted to interview him. “He was going to come and pick you up but I pretended to misunderstand and came myself. I, er, I’m afraid I had to bring Eli with me but he's agreed to let James come with us. James won’t be allowed in the interview room but he won’t be far away.”

Cal gave her a desperate look. “You didn’t say anything to Eli, did you? About…”

“I didn’t tell him anything,” Ruth said. “He will need to know eventually, Cal, but he won’t hear about it from me.”

James took Cal’s hand and helped him to his feet. “Come on, Cal. I’m sure it’ll be okay. Ruth will be there: she won’t let anything happen to you.”

Cal nodded and let James lead him towards the car. He still didn’t really understand why facing his abuser was easier than reporting him and ensuring he never saw him again but Ruth had assured him that was normal.

But just because it was the easier option, that didn't mean it was easy. 

**  


When Cal arrived in the interview room and saw Ian sitting there, a knowing look in his eyes, all he wanted was to run. To run back to the waiting room where James was waiting and then to run all the way to Argentina.

“Please sit down, Eli and Cal,” Ruth said, motioning them towards the two chairs opposite Ian. “Ian, this is Caleb Bray and you already know his brother Eli.”

Ian stood up and held out his hand for Cal to shake. “Hi Caleb.”

Cal didn’t want to touch him; didn’t want to feel those hot, sweaty hands on his skin again but Ian’s eyes were on him and he couldn’t say no. He placed a limp and shaky hand in Ian’s and a shudder went through him as Ian’s thumb discreetly brushed his palm.

“Are you okay?” Ian asked in a concerned voice as he released Cal’s hand just a microsecond too late. “It’s natural to be nervous but there’s nothing to worry about, Caleb. It’s just routine. We have to speak to everyone.”

“Cal? What’s wrong?” Eli asked, his hand on Cal’s arm.

“Nothing.” Cal slumped in his seat as powerlessness and hopelessness filled him. “I’m fine. Sorry. I… I haven’t had any breakfast.”

Ian felt in his pocket for some money which he held out to Ruth. “Could you go and get him a sandwich or something? Cal looks like a cucumber man to me.”

“No!” Cal said, almost overwhelmed with panic at the thought of Ruth’s leaving him. “I mean no thank you. I’m really not hungry.”

Eli looked a bit surprised by Cal’s sudden attack of politeness but he made no comment. He leaned towards Ian. “Just ask him the questions, yeah? I’ll make sure he eats something when he gets home.”

Ian returned the money to his pocket and got down to business. “Okay, Caleb. How well do you know Elizabeth Marshall?

The interview room was tiny and windowless and Cal was beginning to feel claustrophobic. He gulped in some air. “Quite well."

“How well?”

“I… I… I don’t know.” Cal cast Ruth a desperate look. _Get me out of here. Please, just get me out of here_.

Ruth spoke quickly but respectfully. “Excuse me, Ian. I think it’s difficult for Cal to say how well he knows her when she’s been lying about her identity. Would it be possible for me to ask the questions? Travellers never like speaking to the police but Cal might be more forthcoming with me. If I forget something, you can always remind me.”

Ian looked regretful. “I wish I could, Ruth.. I’m sure you’d do a great job. But you’re a probationer and this is a possible attempted murder inquiry. It’s got to be me.” His eyes met Cal’s and he smiled. “But you needn’t worry, Cal. You can trust me to get to the bottom of this. I get to the bottom of everything in the end.”

**  
When Ian finally told Cal he could go, Cal was almost too weak to stand – and he suspected that skipping breakfast had little to do with it. He stumbled slightly as he crossed the threshold and didn’t object when Eli steadied him. Ruth came with them too and patted Cal’s shoulder.

“Well done, Cal,” Ruth said as they turned the corner. “You did well.”

“Yeah, you did very well,” Eli agreed, his arm still around Cal. “You were very clear.”

“Very brave,” Ruth agreed. 

“But it’s over now,” Eli said. 

Ruth nodded. “And maybe we’ll find someone who can give you an alibi. You never know.” 

Cal wanted James but he seemed such a long way away. The corridors seemed so long and it seemed like they were going around in circles – or perhaps it was the corridor that was moving, spinning dizzily around Cal and making him stumble again.

“Cal, are you okay?” Eli asked. He held Cal more tightly. “You’re shaking. You look like you’re about to faint. Cal? What is it? Why are you crying? Is it something I did?” Eli grasped Cal’s other shoulder and pulled him roughly into his arms. “Cal, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I love you and all I want is to make things right. That's all I ever wanted.”

Ruth went over to one of the doors lining the corridor and opened it. “Bring him in here, Eli. I’ll go and get James.”

Cal didn’t argue as Eli guided him into the empty room. “What’s happened, Cal?” Eli’s voice was almost fearful. “You always used to be so strong. Even when you came out of care and you were different, you were still strong. I could hardly reach you. It was like all your feelings were locked up inside and you wouldn’t even let me in. Your brother. What happened, Cal?”

“I can’t do it anymore!” sobbed Cal. 

Eli put his arms around him again and patted Cal’s back in a desperate sort of way that almost hurt. “Yes, you can. I’m sure you can.” Eli went still for a moment; then grabbed Cal’s arms too tightly. “Is it James? Is he the one who’s been hurting you? Because as near as I can work out, it’s only since you’ve been with him you’ve been crying like this.”

“No.” Cal was having trouble speaking through the torrent of tears but he couldn’t let Eli blame James. He took a long, shuddering breath. “It’s not James. James helps me. James looks after me. He found out what happened and now he wants me to get help and he was going to take me there today but I was too scared, Eli.”

“But who are you scared of?” Eli almost shouted the words. “What happened to you?”

Cal started to say he couldn’t tell him but then he was seized by a violent trembling. “I tried to pretend it didn’t happen, Eli. That was how I coped. But now I can’t pretend anymore and I want James.”

Eli’s face was full of hurt but he nodded. “I won’t pretend I don’t wish it was me you wanted but right now, if you told me you wanted the stars in the sky I’d try to get them for you.”


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal confides in Eli, Annie arranges a visit to the hospital and Elizabeth Marshall isn't the only person using a fake name.

James couldn’t help thinking the situation was weird. He and Eli were sitting in Eli’s caravan with Cal between them. The two older boys had called a truce that was uneasy but just about there. Eli had told James that if he hurt Cal, he’d kill him but when James had replied: “If I hurt Cal, I’d want to kill myself,” Eli had looked startled, laughed slightly and said: “Okay, maybe you weren’t my first choice for my little brother but he could have done a lot worse.”

Cal finally seemed to be calming down. He scrubbed his eyes and nose and sniffed a couple of times. “I’m okay now.”

Eli shook his head sadly. “No, you’re not, Cal. You haven’t been okay for a long time. I wish you’d tell me what’s wrong.”

Cal lowered his head. “I can’t, Eli. I’ve told too many people already.” He sounded tired and defeated.

“Who have you told?” Eli asked.

“Well… actually I haven’t really told anyone,” admitted Cal. “James found out from someone else. Ruth guessed. Annie was there when Ruth asked me if she’d guessed right. I know you want me to tell you and maybe I should but it’s too much.”

James’ heart was actually aching. “Cal, you can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen. I know it’s hard for you to talk about it but once you’ve talked about it to the right people, you can get help.”

“Maybe no-one can help me,” Cal said bleakly.

Eli gripped his hand. “No, Cal. We can help you but you’ve got to talk to people. You’ve got to talk to me.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Cal whispered.

James stroked his hand. “Would you like me to tell Eli for you, love?” He didn’t really want to do it. It would be painful and difficult. But it would be so much worse for Cal and James wanted to spare him all the pain he could.

Gratitude shone in Cal’s eyes. “Yes. I would. But I can’t let you.” His voice sounded small but determined. “Eli’s right. You’re both right. I’ve got to learn to say it.”

“Take your time,” Eli said, though the air crackled with tension and James wondered how long Eli was really prepared to wait. Eli held Cal’s other hand. James could see his fingers digging into Cal’s skin but he knew Eli didn’t really want to hurt him. Eli was afraid: so horribly afraid of what Cal was going to say,

“If I tell you,” said Cal; “if I can say it, will you promise not to tell anyone?”

“Yes, of course,” Eli said at once. “You know I’d do anything for you, Cal.”

Cal breathed shallowly as he stared out in front of him, trying to find the words. “It was… it was Ian,” he said softly. “He… hurt me. No, I don’t mean hurt. Well, I do mean hurt. But not just hurt.”

Eli looked confused. “Ian? Who’s Ian? Do you mean that policeman we saw today?”

Cal nodded.

Concern filled Eli’s voice. “What did he do to you, Cal?”

Cal was shaking now but there was determination on his face.

“You can do it, Cal,” James said. “I love you and I’m here.”

Eli looked irritated but then, with an almost visible effort, he pushed the emotion away. “And I love you and I’m here too, Cal,” he said quickly.

Cal took in a breath. “He… Ian… he… hurt me. No. Abused me. He abused me. He se… with his… oh fuck, James, I can’t! I can’t say it.”

“Yes, you can,” James said as he held Cal tightly. “You can do it, Cal.”

“H-h-he made me… sleep with him…” Cal dropped his head, exhausted by the effort but he’d done it.

“He did what?” The anger in Eli’s voice made Cal jump but James knew Eli wasn’t asking him to say it again. Eli caught Cal roughly in his arms and held his head against his chest. “Oh Cal… my little brother… Cal…”

**  
Tina looked at her watch. “Where the fuck is Eli?”

James saw the look on Cal’s face and put his arm around him. Eli had promised Cal when he’d left them that he all he was doing was going to the farm to check on Crowley and get some work done but he’d also promised Tina that he’d go to the hospital with them to see Elizabeth – and he wasn’t here.

“Ring him again,” Cal said to Tina, who still had no idea what was going on. He’d thought of her as a sister for so long but he wasn’t ready to tell her yet. 

“You do it,” Tina said. “He ignored me last time but he might talk to you.”

Cal got out his phone and searched for Eli’s contact details. “Fuck!”

“Are you okay?” James said anxiously.

“I brought the wrong phone.” Cal shoved it back in his pocket. “It’s my old phone. I don’t use it anymore.”

Annie looked surprised. “But you must have Eli’s number in it.”

“His old number!” Cal said.

James quickly got out his own phone. “It’s okay, Cal. I’ll phone him.” But he was no more successful in getting through than Tina.

Tina sighed. “He must have bottled it. Either that or he couldn’t see the fucking point. Why are we here anyway? She played us. She isn’t who we thought she was. Why should we give a fuck just because someone smashed her head in? I should be getting ready for the race, not sitting here getting germs.”

“I don’t think she lied as much as you think,” James said.

“You mean she only lied about her name and her job?” Tina said. “Oh yeah, so it doesn’t matter to you that the girl you were letting stick her hand inside your cows didn’t have any qualifications?”

“Okay. In terms of her job, she lied,” James said. “And it could have been disastrous. Impersonating someone else in order to do a job you’re not qualified for is a serious crime.”

“Exactly!” said Tina.

The old James would probably have given up and been berated by Cal for it later. The new James didn’t. “I just mean that in terms of our friendship she probably didn’t lie. She told us she was called Janine Riley but that’s just a name. No matter what label you put on yourself you’re still the same person inside. I’m sure that the personality we came to associate with Janine was the real Elizabeth. When she used to dance around the room with you, Tina, and tell you North was better than South, I’m sure that was the real Elizabeth too.”

Tina relaxed slightly at this but she almost sprang up out of her chair when someone else entered the waiting room. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Hi Tina,” Rob said awkwardly. “I just saw Janine.”

“Then why did you tell Annie you didn’t want to come with us?”

“Because I didn’t want to go,” Rob said. “But the more I thought about it, the more I thought maybe I should. She wasn’t especially my friend but we were the people she hung out with. We were probably the closest thing she had to a special friend.”

Tina sat back, mollified. “Okay. Fair enough. We did get here a little bit later than we said and then we’ve been sitting around waiting for Eli…”

“I would have waited for you but I thought you’d be in the room with her already,” Rob said. “But the only person there was her mum. That was fucking awkward. She asked me why none of her other friends had come to see her. I said we’d only just realised it wasn’t family-only.”

“We’ll go in in a minute,” Tina said. She stood up and hugged him. “Do you want to come and watch me train for the race later?”

Something like guilt showed in Rob’s eyes. “Er, no, Tina. No I won’t if you don’t mind. You know I always distract you when you’re riding and this is obviously really important.”

Tina looked hurt but she nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

“James, can you phone Eli again?” Cal asked.

James patted his arm and wondered what he could do. If only there was some way of reassuring him that Eli hadn’t gone after Ian. “Cal, come with me for a minute.”

“Seriously?” said Rob.

Tina made a face. “That is gross.”

James dragged Cal towards the toilets but Cal stopped him. “No way, James. They think we’re going in there to fuck and then you’ll be embarrassed about it for the rest of your life. Let’s go outside. Not even Rob could think we’d fuck outside.”

James was fairly sure Rob was capable of thinking pretty much anything but he went outside with Cal and got out his phone. “Hi, I’d like to speak to Sergeant Salter, please.”

Cal’s eyes went wide and he clutched at James’ arm.

James waited until he’d been put through to Ian. “Hi. My name’s James…”

He stopped. Cal was shaking his head violently.

“Bond,” James said, naming a character in a short story he’d just read. “James Bond.”

Cal put his head in his hands.

Oh _fuck_. James Bond is a real person, isn’t he? Well not real but…

“How can I help you, Mr Bond?” said Ian. “You sound a bit shaken… but not stirred.”

“Ha ha, yeah, I get that a lot,” James said uncomfortably. “I was wondering if you were going to be around this afternoon.”

“Probably, unless I get called out on a case,” Ian said. “Why?”

James’ mind went blank. Prank calls had never been his forte, as Rob had made him demonstrate on numerous occasions. “Sorry, my boss wants me: I’ll see you later,” he said and hurriedly disconnected the call. So far so good but what if Eli invented a case and asked Ian to investigate it? James searched his contacts again. “Hi Mum. Is Eli around?”

“Eli has better things to do than to take calls when he’s working!” Jackie said icily. “And I have better things to do than to pass on messages. Eli’s here and he’s working and he’s going to keep working until I decide it’s time for him to stop. All right?” She hung up.

James repeated the news to Cal who hugged him. “I love you, James, but we can’t keep tabs on Eli every day.”

“I know,” James sighed. “But Eli does seem like an impulsive sort of guy. When he attacked you, that wasn’t planned. If he attacked Elizabeth, he had very little time to plan.”

“That’s true,” Cal said. “And he does seem to calm down after a while. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with you anymore and maybe your mum’s the reason he didn’t come to the hospital.” He gave James a quick kiss. “Come on, pisliskurjéya. We’d better go back in. I’m not looking forward to this but I think it’s something I’ve got to do.”

“Why?” James asked gently. “She hurt you. You don’t owe her anything.”

Cal sighed and held onto James for a moment or two. “Because it’s not her fault I ended up in a care home where I wasn’t taken care of. It’s not her fault what Ian did to me. All she did was try to help me. And now, because she tried to help me, she’s been attacked.”

James gasped and held him more tightly. “It’s not your fault she was attacked, Cal. You couldn’t have known what Eli would do. If it was Eli. You can’t control your brother’s actions.”

“No, I can’t,” Cal said. “But I can control mine.” His face was serious but then he smiled suddenly, his whole face lighting up. “Oh and by the way, you just made another of my fantasies come true. I’ve always wanted to be a Bond girl.”

James smiled. “I do quite like the thought of you coming out of the sea like Halle Berry, wearing nothing but a tiny pair of swimming trunks.”

“Okay I promise to do that on our first holiday together if you promise we can share a bath like Roger Moore and Fiona Fullerton.”

James didn’t need to think twice.


	33. Chapter Thirty-Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal gives a performance, Annie questions her sexuality and Eli has some awkward questions for Cal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm afraid the naughtiness I promised didn't fit in this chapter so it's in the next one. I hope you're not too disappointed!

Cal looked down at the figure in the bed and shuddered. Although they knew her by a different name now, he’d still expected her to be the same person. But her colour was so unnatural and the medical instruments keeping her alive made her seem almost inhuman.

James put his arm around Cal and spoke softly into his ear. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Cal said quickly. 

“I read something else – about how if you really want a coma patient to hear you, you should sing to them,” Annie said.

Tina gave her a worried look. “You really should stop googling coma patients.”

“There’s no harm in trying, though,” James said. His voice sounded scratchy: he cleared his throat. “Why don’t you sing something, Cal?”

Cal gave a sad smile. James loved hearing the Romani songs Eli had sung to him when he was little. “We’d probably get thrown out.”

“But you’ve got a lovely voice,” James said. 

Annie looked about to cry. “We didn’t even know her real name. Yesterday I didn’t even like her because she lied to us but now, today, she’s here.”

“Sing with me,” Cal said to James.

“But I’ll get the words wrong. You know I always get the words wrong. And the tune.”

“Just try,” Cal said. He leaned closer to Elizabeth and started to sing very softly. Uncertainly and with less musicality, James joined in. 

“I was trying to find out if she’s still in pain or not,” Annie sobbed.

Tina hugged her. “I don’t think she’s in pain, Annie. Unless it’s from James’ singing.”

Annie gave a weak smile and James stopped singing.

“If she woke up, she could tell us who did it,” Tina said. “And then they wouldn’t suspect James and Cal anymore.”

_But what if it was Eli?_ Cal thought as he missed a note and accidentally skipped a verse. _It does seem likely but I don’t want it to be Eli_.

“Cal? Are you okay?” James said with watery eyes. Cal wasn’t sure if they were caused by Elizabeth’s condition or the song.

“Yeah, fine. I was just thinking,” Cal said. “I’ve heard coma patients can hear you speaking. So maybe we should speak to her.”

Annie put her hand gently on Elizabeth’s arm, careful to avoid the machines and wires. “I hope you’ll wake up soon, Elizabeth. I hope you’re not in pain. We were upset about the name thing but it doesn’t seem important now. You’re our friend and James says the person we got to know is probably the real you and we don’t want to lose you.” Annie wiped her eyes. “Everything is so shit now. Well, not everything. Tina’s riding career is just getting started and James and Cal are the sweetest couple ever. Look at them – oh wait, no, sorry, you probably can’t see, can you? They’ve got their arms round each other and their heads are sort of tilting towards each other and I’m sure Cal’s got his hand on James’ arse. They love each other so much but they can’t be happy because the police think they might have hurt you. So if you could wake up – but don’t worry if it’s too difficult: I don’t really know anything about comas except what I read on google and there’s all kinds of rubbish on there. I found a site that says girls who wear dungarees are lesbians and I’m sure I’m not a lesbian because I used to really fancy James… oh fuck, did I say that out loud?” She gave Cal a slightly defensive look. “I did say ‘used to’. What was I saying before I embarrassed myself? Oh yes. If you could wake up, James and Cal wouldn’t have to worry anymore and if anyone deserves a bit of happiness, it’s James and Cal.” 

**  
Cal had always thought he was quite good at understanding hints. Taking them was often a different manner but he usually understood.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t a quality he shared with Eli. He and James had both told Eli several times that they were tired and they needed to get some sleep before the race but Eli was still there, still looking at Cal with an expression that nearly broke James’ heart.

“Cal, I don’t want to make you talk about it,” Eli burst out suddenly. “I know it’s difficult for you. But we can’t just do nothing.”

“Ruth wants me to tell the police,” Cal admitted. “But I couldn’t do it.”

“Have you made an official report to Ruth?”

“I can’t really because she’s a probationer,” Cal said. “Ian would have to be there. But she guessed what was going on. She could see me and James hated him and she knew Ian was lying when he said he didn’t know me.”

James caressed Cal’s shoulder. “Are you sure you’re okay to talk about it, love?”

“I’m his brother. He’s got to talk to me!” said Eli.

Cal glared at Eli. “Don’t talk to James like that. I know I’ve got to talk to you but it’s not that easy, okay?”

“I just mean that he’s tired.” James took the opportunity to mention this for a third time. “He’s not used to talking about it. It might take him a bit of time to tell you everything.”

Eli sighed and some of the tension left his body. “I don’t want to put pressure on you, Cal. I want to be here for you; support you. But we have to do something. You know I hate going to the police but they do have their uses when someone’s got to be locked away.”

Cal nodded. “I know. But you don’t know how difficult it is just talking about it. You’ve got to find the words. Then you’ve got to say the words. And I just feel so dirty and awful and I just hate myself.”

James held onto him more tightly. 

Eli patted Cal’s arm. “It wasn’t your fault, Cal. You’re fourteen years old. Ian’s an adult. It wasn’t your fault that you were placed in a vulnerable and dangerous situation without support. Sometimes things happen to us that are out of our control.”

“I just hate that I’m not strong enough," Cal said unhappily. "I always told myself I was strong; that I could survive anything but it’s not true, is it?”

“Of course it’s true,” Eli said. “Cal, you mustn’t underestimate what’s happened to you. You will survive it but sometimes it takes time to overcome something. Our mum was weak: she really needed me but you’re not like her. I know you’re strong because you’ve got this far.”

“So it’s okay if I take a bit of time?” Cal said.

Eli nodded. “It’s fine, Cal. Take all the time you need.”

Cal gave him a worried look. “You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you, Eli?”

James thought Eli looked a bit angry when Cal said that but then Eli’s face relaxed and he nodded. “I won’t do anything stupid, Cal. I promise.”

Cal looked relieved. But also very tired.

“Eli, I’m sorry. I know this is a really important conversation,” James said. “But Cal’s had a difficult day today and he really wants to support Tina at the race tomorrow.”

“Yeah, so would you mind pissing off so I can go to bed?” Cal said with a grateful look at James.

“Oh right, you’re throwing me out then?” Eli did not look happy.

James was going to backtrack but then he reminded himself that Cal needed him. “It’s not especially that I want you to go. I would be happy for you to stay if Annie agreed. But...”

Again, James had the feeling Eli was angry but then he smiled. “Cal’s good for you, James. He’s helped you grow a bit of backbone. Don’t worry: I won’t keep Cal awake for long. But I would like a word with him in private.”

James hesitated, unsure what to say but then Cal spoke.

“That’s fine. I can stay up for a little bit longer.”

“James can stay within shouting distance.” Eli’s face twisted with pain. “I can’t blame you for worrying, James. I want you to trust me but I do get why you can’t.”

“I want to trust you too,” James said.

“But Cal comes first, yeah?” Eli said.

James nodded. “That’s how it’s always been for me.”

**  
Cal waited until James had gone into the bathroom; then he turned back to Eli. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“James,” Eli said.

Cal wasn’t surprised. “If you’re checking that James is good enough for me, the answer is yes.”

“James is a good guy,” Eli said. “I won’t lie to you, Cal. If you’d got together with Rob or Dominic or just about any other guy I know, I wouldn’t be so accepting. But I do need to check, Cal. Has James ever hurt you?”

“No, he has not,” Cal replied. He’d been hurt when James had broken up with him; he had been hurt every time James hadn’t told him he loved him but that was in the past. It wasn’t worth mentioning now. 

“And he’s never tried to pressure you into anything you don’t want to do?”

Cal had to laugh. “Not in the way you mean. It’s me who always wants to do stuff and James who always holds back. He says we’ve got to wait till I’m sixteen.”

“Good,” said Eli. “Does James make you happy?”

“Every day,” Cal said honestly. “I’ve been through some bad days, Eli, but James gives me a reason to be happy every day. Even if it’s just for a moment.”

“And you’re sure he loves you?”

Cal nodded and began to smile. “Yes. He loves me. I don’t know why but he does.”

“I know why,” Eli said. “I loved you from the moment you were born. I can’t blame James for loving you too. Now I’d better go before James really does kick me out.” He gave Cal a hug. “I'll see you tomorrow. Look after yourself, Cal. And tell James from me to look after you.”

When he’d gone, Cal sat down for a moment and just thought. Eli had been so kind; so sensible. Perhaps he’d learned from his mistakes and wouldn’t make them again. He had far more reason to attack Ian than he did to attack Cal but perhaps he’d realised that he couldn’t take matters into his own hands.

After a while, James came out of the bathroom. He was wearing nothing but his pants. When Cal finally dragged his gaze upwards, he saw that James was smiling.

James held out his hand. “I thought it was time I made another one of your dreams come true.”


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Cal have a private moment and Tina has a devastating choice to make.

“A bubble bath!” Cal said. There was an odd look on his face and James began to worry.

“Is everything okay? Don’t you like bubbles?”

Cal caught James’ hand. “No, it’s not that. The bubbles are great. But I’m a little bit… well, nervous because… I’ve never had a bath before.”

James stared at Cal in amazement.

Cal laughed. “Don’t worry. I have showers all the time. All travellers do. But we always bathe standing up. We’ve got this belief that genitals are dirty so we don’t want to touch the bath with them. I don’t agree with that at all but I still feel a bit weird.”

James gave him a hug. “It’s okay. We can take it slowly and we don’t have to stay in for long if you’d rather not.”

“You’re not upset?” Cal said anxiously.

James kissed him. “Of course not.” If he was honest, he liked being the experienced one for once. “We’ll start off by standing as that’s what you’re used to.” He put one foot into the bath. 

Cal slipped his fingers inside James’ pants. “Don’t you think you’d better take these off first?”

“Oh! Yes.” James was blushing as he got out of the bath. “And you should probably get undressed too.”

“Probably,” Cal agreed, smiling. He dropped to his knees and pulled James’ pants down to the floor, planting a firm kiss on James’ cock. “Now it’s my turn.”

James pulled Cal’s shirt over his head, kissing him as soon as his mouth became visible. He removed first Cal’s jeans, then his pants, not forgetting the kiss. When this was done, he got into the bath and held out his hand.

Cal stepped into the bath carefully and James put his arms around him. “The water isn’t too hot for you, Cal, is it?”

“It’s not as hot as you,” Cal said. He ran his hands down James’ back and squeezed his arse. “So what now? Do we sit down?”

James’ only reply was a kiss. He plunged his tongue into Cal’s mouth and kissed him; then he pulled away, pressing wet, warm kisses all over Cal's face before slowly turning Cal around. James embraced him from behind and he felt and heard Cal’s gasp as James’ cock pressed against his skin.

“I want you, James,” Cal said.

“One day,” James promised. He knew the wait would be difficult: there were times when the need to be inside Cal or to feel him inside him was a physical ache of desire. But he wanted to wait until Cal was legal. He also wanted his first experience with Cal to be about only the two of them. He didn’t want it to be an attempt to erase the past.

“It better had be one day,” Cal said. He stretched his arms backwards and hugged James as best he could. “I can’t wait forever.”

“Oh, it’s going to happen,” James said. Unless Cal got fed up with him of course. That was always possible. James moved his hands up and down Cal’s arms. “Are you ready to sit down, love?”

Cal nodded. James sat down and stretched out, tickling Cal’s ankles with his toes as he put one leg either side of him.

“Now you,” James said softly. He placed his hands on Cal’s hips, carefully lowering him into position between James’ spread legs. For a moment, the heat of the water made Cal gasp but then he smiled. He placed his hands on James’ thighs as he shuffled backwards until his arse touched James’ cock.

“You’re hard for me,” Cal murmured as he leaned back against James’ chest, his head against his shoulder.

“Of course I am,” James replied. His arms fastened loosely around Cal’s waist, his hands tantalisingly close to his cock. “Are you hard for me?”

“If I was any harder, I would explode for you. And I probably will.”

James felt his breathing quicken but concern overrode his desire. “How do you feel about the bath? You don’t feel dirty?”

“Completely dirty,” Cal said with a smile that told James there was no need to worry. 

“Maybe we should get out of the bath then,” James said teasingly.

Cal poked James’ wrist. “No way are we getting out of this bath!”

James smiled and for a while they just cuddled, not even speaking but James finally broke the silence. “Do you want to get clean while you’re in here?”

“No!” said Cal. “I want to be very dirty.”

“You wouldn’t like me to wash you all over then?”

“All over?” Cal considered for a moment. “Yeah okay!”

James got Cal’s chest wet; then got some soap on his hands and worked it up into a lather. “Cal? Can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” Cal said contentedly as James soaped his chest.

“You know when you said you wanted to be a Bond girl? Did you mean you actually wanted to be a girl?”

Cal laughed. “No. I didn’t mean it like that. I just like the idea of hanging round with a really hot guy.”

James’ hands moved downwards to Cal’s stomach.

“Maybe there was a time when I wished I was a girl,” Cal said. “But only when I thought you were straight.”

“When did you realise I wasn’t?” James whispered as he let his fingers brush Cal’s cock.

Cal covered James’ hands with his own. “Do you remember that time we caught Dominic in a barn with a girl? Rob and Eli were looking at the girl but you, Tina, Annie and Ruth were looking at Dominic.”

“I bet you were looking at Dominic too.”

Cal shook his head. “Only to see what you were looking at. I was jealous but at least it gave me a bit of hope.”

James kissed Cal’s shoulder. “You don’t need to worry about Dominic, love. I had a good stare at any guy with his shirt off when I was your age.” He kissed Cal’s neck. “Why don’t you lean forward so I can wash your back?”

Cal leaned forward obediently and James wet his back, watching as the water ran down it in rivulets that shone as they caught the light. James massaged the soap into his skin, ensuring every inch of it was covered and then washed it off, stroking the soap away.

James kissed away the last drops of water. “Okay?” he said softly.

“No: you forgot something.” Cal moved onto his hands and knees and shuffled backwards. “My arse needs washing.”

“Cal…” The word was a moan but not of protest. James splashed water onto Cal’s arse, letting his palms brush against the skin. He soaped his hands and placed them on Cal’s arse, holding them there and listening to Cal’s ragged breathing. He massaged in slow circles, letting his thumbs get closer to Cal’s opening with every stroke.

“Oh fuck, James: I need you!”

James needed him too. His cock was so close and straining to enter. He pumped it a couple of times before placing it between Cal’s buttocks. He couldn’t do what Cal wanted most but he let it lightly stroke the hole. 

It was enough. 

Both guys cried out their pleasure and then stayed where they were, gasping and smiling, unable to say a word.

**  
Cal didn’t have a suit to wear to the race but James offered to lend him one. It was slightly too big for him but judging by the look on James’ face, he didn’t look too awful.

“What are you thinking?” Cal asked playfully. “That I look good in your suit or that I’d look even better out of it?”

“Both!” said James. He held Cal close to him. “You look gorgeous and I’m so proud of you.”

“Proud to be seen with a guy as hot as me, you mean?”

“No,” James said.

Cal put on a mock-offended tone. “What do you mean: no?”

“I mean yes,” James said confusedly. “I mean both. I meant I’m proud of you for being so brave. But I am also proud of how hot you are. I still don’t know what you’re doing with me but I’m willing to accept you have your reasons.”

Cal laughed and gave James a kiss. “I do, James. I love you. That’s my reason.”

“I love you too,” James replied.

**  
As soon as Cal and Eli arrived at the racetrack, they went to find James and Jackie. Jackie was overdressed and looked slightly ridiculous but James looked amazing. Cal pretended to trip over and fell against James, getting a nice handful of arse as he did. 

James was smiling as he turned round. “How did I know that was you?”

They didn’t kiss but Cal thought it must be obvious to the whole world that he loved James.

“Have you seen Tina?” James asked, leading Cal and Eli a little way away from Jackie.

Cal shook his head. “I wanted to see you first. But I’ll go and see her now. I don’t suppose they’ll want me going in the girls’ changing rooms but I can always tell them I’d be a lot more interested in going in the men’s.”

“I’ll go with you.” Eli slung a protective arm around Cal’s shoulders. Cal went with him with mixed feelings. He was still afraid of being alone with Eli but his presence was comforting at the same time. When Cal got to Argentina, he was sure he’d be fine and back to his old self… or perhaps a completely new self because he knew he’d be happier than he’d ever been. But for now he was glad to have Eli close by.

Tina was sitting in a corner of the dressing room, an odd look on her face.

“Tina, what’s wrong?” Eli ran over to her.

“Are you nervous?” Cal went to her other side.

“I’m not nervous,” Tina said. She stood up and walked away from them. “I’m fine.”

“No, Tina: you’re not fine.” Cal caught her by the arms and turned her to face him.

Eli’s voice was strained. “Are you upset about Janine?”

“No,” Tina said. “This isn’t about her. It’s about me.”

“Then tell us,” Cal said. “We love you, Tin-Tin, and we want to help.”

Tina shook him off. “I don’t need help.”

“Of course you do!” Eli’s voice was louder than it needed to be and Tina flinched.

“It’s nothing,” she said tensely. “Really. It’s nothing. It’s just something I’ve got to do.”

Eli tried again. “How about if we get Rob?”

Cal knew it had hurt him to ask but it showed how much Eli loved Tina. 

Tina shook her head violently. “No. I don’t want to tell Rob.” 

That was all she said but Cal could read the rest of it in her face. “This is about Rob, isn’t it, Tina? What the fuck did he say to you?”

“Nothing!” said Tina. “He said nothing. He just said… good luck and stuff.”

“No, he didn’t,” Cal said quietly. “You’re lying.”

“Tell us what he said,” Eli said. 

“I can’t,” Tina said. Her eyes were filling with tears. “Don’t make me say it.” Eli’s hand closed, vice-like, on Tina’s. She flinched. “Eli, you’re hurting me.” Eli quickly loosened his hold.

“You’ve got to tell us, Tina,” said Eli. “Whatever it is, it’s too big for you to handle on your own. If you don’t tell us, you’ll never be able to go out there and give the best race of your life.”

Cal took her other hand. “You owe it to yourself to do that, Tina. Your whole life’s been building up to this moment. You mustn’t let Rob ruin it for you. There’s nothing you can’t tell us. You know that.”

Tina lowered her head. Her voice was little more than a whisper but they both heard. “Rob asked me to throw the race.”


	35. Chapter Thirty-Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli and Cal try to stop Tina from throwing the race.

“Rob asked you to what?” shouted Eli.

Cal put a hand on his brother’s arm. “Eli, calm down. I know it’s awful but calm down. Okay?” He turned back to Tina. “You can’t do it, Tina. You mustn’t. You’ll be throwing your whole life away.”

“But he needs me,” Tina said. “And I love him.”

Eli spoke roughly. “He doesn’t love you, Tina. No guy who loved you would ever ask you to do that. It’s too big. It’s too important to you.”

“He’s in trouble,” Tina said. “Him and Dominic. They need to raise £50,000 or they’re in serious trouble. The only way they can do it is by betting on me to lose the race. They know a dodgy bookie who’ll give them that sort of odds.”

Cal put his hand over his eyes. “Fuck. FUCK!”

Tina looked startled. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s my fault,” Cal said miserably. “If I hadn’t sold information about them, they wouldn’t be in this mess. And now… but you can’t do it, Tina. Not even for that reason. It’s your career. Your whole life. Your life is worth more than £50,000.”

“He’s right, Tina,” Eli said. “You can’t.”

“But I love him,” said Tina. She turned to Cal. “Are you saying you wouldn’t do that for James?”

“Not if he asked me: no!” Cal said.

Tina looked confused. “What does it matter if he asks you or not?”

“Making a sacrifice like that for the person you love is one thing,” Eli said. “Asking someone to do it for you is something else.” He looked desperately at Cal. “How can I explain it?”

Cal wished James was here. James was clever: he’d know what to say. But he knew there might not be enough time for James to get there and what if he just panicked and made no sense at all? “Tina, if you make this sacrifice, you’re saying Rob is more important to you than your career. Okay?”

“Okay,” Tina said. “And he is. He should be.”

“But if he tells you to make the sacrifice,” Cal said, hoping he was explaining it right, “then Rob’s saying he cares more about himself than he does about your career. It’s not just that you’re prepared to sacrifice yourself to save his skin. He’s prepared to sacrifice you as well.”

Tina didn’t say anything for a moment but the pallor of her skin told Cal his words had hit home. 

There was something almost childlike in her expression as she asked: “What am I going to do?”

“Win the race, Tina,” Eli said. “Get out there and ride the race of your life.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Tina said tremulously. “And what about Rob? I think they could actually hurt him if he doesn’t pay up. He could end up like Elizabeth and it would be all my fault.”

“It wouldn’t be your fault,” Eli said. Slowly, he raised his hand and wiped a tear from Tina’s cheek. “No-one could ever blame you for not throwing your life away. If he needs money that badly, there are other ways. He doesn’t need to ruin the life of the girl he’s supposed to love.” Eli put his arm around her. “This is about you, Tina. Just you and your dream.”

“If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine,” Cal said. “Rob’s asking you to do something unreasonable; impossible. If it’s up to anyone to get Rob out of this mess, it’s up to me.”

“Cal, no, it’s not your fault,” Eli said.

Someone knocked on Tina’s door. “Five minutes!”

Five minutes. Five minutes in which to change Tina’s mind. Even now she knew what Rob was like, she didn’t want to stab him in the back as he’d done to her.

“Tina, listen,” Cal said. “I’ve got money. Or I will have. If Blackout wins the race, I’ll get lots of money. I can give some of it to Rob.”

Eli gasped. “No. Cal, you can’t.”

“You don’t want me to use the money in the way it was intended,” Cal reminded him. “Wouldn’t you rather I used it for this?”

“Your Argentina fund,” Tina realised. “You’re giving Rob your Argentina fund.”

“Some of it,” Cal said quickly. He wasn’t sure he actually would when it came down to it because the money was for James as well as him and he had no more right to do that to James than Rob had to do it to Tina. “You don’t need to throw the race, Tina. You don’t need to think about Rob. Just go out there and win the race. For yourself. Okay?”

Tina shook her head. Tears stood in her eyes. “I don’t know if I can let you do that.”

“Well, I definitely can’t let you!” Cal retorted.

“Cal doesn’t need the money for Argentina,” said Eli. “I’m not going to let him go running off with James. He’s too young. What would happen if they broke up? And Argentina is one of the most anti-Roma places in the world.”

Cal was stricken. He hadn’t known that. He just knew there were lots of travellers and it was very gay-friendly. But that was okay, he told himself. He and James would live as gorgios, that was all – because obviously they were still going, whatever Eli said. 

But he couldn’t think about that now. “I can’t go anywhere unless Eli agrees to it,” Cal said. “So I’ll have all that money and nothing to spend it on. If I can’t spend it on James, then I want to spend it on you. You’re my family just as much as James is.”

Eli put his hands on Tina’s shoulders and looked into her eyes. “Go and win the race, Tina. Go out there and make us proud.”

**  
“You were brilliant, Cal,” Eli said as they made their way back to James. “I’m proud of you. I always have been proud of you but today… today you shone.”

Eli’s praise almost made Cal feel as though he really was shining. But he shrugged it aside. “It wasn’t just me. If it worked, it was both of us. But we don’t know if it’s worked yet. We’ll just have to wait and see if Tina wins the race.”

“You can’t give Rob the money, though, Cal,” Eli said. “You’re not really thinking of doing that, are you? I don’t know where you’re getting it from but it’s your money. You don’t owe Rob anything. I know you say you got Rob into this mess but if he’d stayed on the straight-and-narrow, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do yet,” Cal said. “I was careful not to promise the full amount but Tina might still think I made a promise to her. So I don’t know what I’m going to do but you’re right, Eli. I don’t owe that wanker anything. But I do owe Tina. She doesn’t know what happened to me but she’s helped me without realising it.”

Eli clenched his fists. “When I think of what Rob asked her to do… I could just kill him, Cal. I could kill him.”

With that look in his eyes, Cal could believe him. “But you can’t, Eli. You know you can’t. That would hurt Tina more than it helps her and it would get you into trouble too.”

“Only if I was caught,” Eli said.

Cal thought of Elizabeth and wondered but he knew this wasn’t the time to mention it. It was too public to have a conversation like that and they needed to find James and get into place to cheer Tina on. “You would be caught, Eli. Just because our police force is corrupt, it doesn’t mean they can’t do their job. You mustn’t take any risks like that. I need you, Eli – and Tina does too.”

**  
“Come on, Tin-Tin! You can do it!” Cal was practically jumping up and down in excitement. He’d been anxious for most of the race, even though Blackout had always been near the front of the pack but now she’d pulled clear of the other horses and it seemed impossible that she wouldn’t win.

“Come on, Tina!” James added his voice to the shouts of encouragement from Cal and Eli. He knew Annie was somewhere in the crowd and although Ruth had decided not to risk upsetting Tina by making an appearance in person, James knew she would also be following the match, work permitting.

James was trying to focus on Tina but it was quite difficult when Cal was being so adorable right next to him. But James was watching as Tina urged Blackout on, closer and closer to the finish line. 

But then he realised Tina was slowing down. The other riders were gaining on her. They still had quite a bit of distance to make up but James had been working with horses long enough to know the riders in second, third and fourth place had a chance of outpacing her.

“No, Tina! Don’t slow down! Keep going!” Cal’s excitement had changed to agitation. He probably knew there was no chance of Tina’s hearing him but he kept screaming all the same. “Forget about him! Don’t think about him! This is about you!”

But still Tina went slower. The third-placed horse was beginning to tire and had dropped back into fourth but the other two continued to gain on Blackout.

“No, Tina, you can’t: you mustn’t!” Cal sounded distraught.

James wasn’t sure what he meant but he put his arm around Cal, not caring that he might be seen. “Maybe Blackout has a stone in her shoe or something.”

“No,” Cal said miserably. “That’s not why. Eli, what can we do?”

“Nothing, Cal.” Eli’s voice was flat. “Nothing except pick up the pieces.”

James watched. Tina was slumped back in her seat, not even looking in the direction of the finish line. But then suddenly she stood up on the stirrups and leaned close to Blackout. James had seen her do that before and knew what would happen. Just as one of Tina’s competitors drew close, Blackout surged forward again, eating up the distance that remained. And Tina was across the finish line, victorious. The racing career she’d dreamed of had begun.

“She did it!” Cal threw himself into James’ arms. James hugged him back. He didn’t know what had happened, though he had a feeling Cal and Eli did, but the crisis was over. Tina had won – and not just the race. Apparently, she’d won a battle with herself as well.

“What happened out there?” James said as Cal let him go.

“Don’t worry about that now,” said Cal. “I’ll tell you later.” He touched James’ face. “And stop crying, you silly twat! Unless you _want_ me to kiss you in front of a million people.”

James had to admit he wasn’t averse to the idea but he thought it was better not to upset Eli if they could help it. “Shall we go and find her?”

“No: they’ve got to do the presentations first,” Cal said. “And they’ll probably want to interview her and Dominic.”

“Let’s find Rob and Annie, then,” James said but Eli stopped him with an ironlike grip on his arm.

“No. We should tell you something first. About Rob.”

James sighed. “So he admitted it then?”

Cal and Eli looked at him blankly. “Admitted what?” said Cal.

“He admitted that he slept with Elizabeth?”

Eli’s face twisted with rage. “He did what? He slept with another girl, then he asked Tina to throw her whole career away for him?”

Cal put his hand on his brother’s arm. “Calm down, Eli. I know it’s fucking awful and he deserves everything you’re thinking of doing to him but that doesn’t mean you can. Okay?”

James was confused. “What do you mean he asked her to throw her career away?”

“That’s what we were going to tell you,” Cal explained. “We didn’t know about Elizabeth but it doesn’t surprise me one bit. He never appreciated Tina properly.” He looked at James in confusion. “How do you know he slept with Elizabeth? You never told me that!”

Rather guiltily, James confessed his only evidence was a guilty look on Rob’s face.

“We can’t really tell Tina based on that,” Cal said.

“But it’s true though,” Eli said, his face hard. “I’m sure it’s true.”

“Yeah. I’ve got a horrible feeling it’s true as well,” said Cal.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal and James discuss Eli's problems and their own, there's interest in Blackout following her big win, and Tina's celebrations go about as well as you'd expect them to.

Annie was keen to celebrate but Cal doubted Tina would be in the mood. She was a bit wary of celebrating after what had happened last time and Cal could see she felt guilty for what she’d done to Rob. She had no reason to feel guilty of course but Cal knew that many people felt guilty when they’d done nothing wrong at all.

Once Annie had been acquainted with the facts, she didn’t feel much like celebrating either and once she and Eli had rushed off to see Tina, James and Cal turned their attention to the problem of how they were all going to get home. Tina was supposed to be going back with Dominic and Rob but that was out of the question now and there wasn’t room for all of them in James’ mum’s car. 

“Why don’t you all get a taxi?” James suggested. “I’ll go home with my mum. Or you could come with us if you wanted to.” 

Cal smiled at him gratefully. He knew why James had offered him both options. “I’ll go in the taxi. I think Tina needs all the friends she can get and I don’t mind sharing a taxi with Eli if the others are there. Anyway, he’s my brother and I don’t think he’s a bad person. He’s just got problems.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t have as many as you!” James said with a protective look on his face that would probably have made Cal forget what he was talking about if it hadn’t been so important.

“I don’t know about that,” Cal said. “But I think I can help him. He was mad with Rob for what he did to Tina and I was so worried about what he was going to do but then I started speaking to him calmly and that calmed Eli down too. He was still angry of course – we all are – but I stopped worrying that Eli was going to do something stupid.”

To his relief, James seemed to understand. “You did the same thing when I told Eli that I thought Rob had cheated on Tina. I was really worried for a minute but you were so calm and that did seem to get through to him. I was really proud when you did that. But you mustn’t forget what he’s capable of, Cal. He still hurt you.”

“I know he did but I didn’t speak calmly to him then,” Cal said. “He shouted at me and I shouted right back. That’s what I’ve always done. With everyone really, except Ian. I wanted to stand up for myself and not let anyone bully me and I mostly managed that. I thought that was what being grown-up was. My parents argued with everyone. So did my grandad. So I did the same.” He looked up at James. “But I was wrong, wasn’t I?”

James put his arm around Cal’s shoulders. “No. You’re not wrong, Cal. I would definitely be more grown-up if I learned to stand up for myself and not let anyone bully me. But there is more to being grown-up than that. Sometimes you do need to talk about things calmly and not get upset. I know that because I recently learned it for myself.”

“I noticed you weren’t getting upset as much,” said Cal. 

James nodded. “I think that’s partly because of everything we’ve been through together. It’s brought us closer. It’s helped me to realise that I don’t have to get upset every time you say something that isn’t gentle and loving because it doesn’t mean you’ve stopped loving me.”

“I’m never going to stop loving you,” Cal said softly.

James still didn’t have the confidence to kiss Cal at a crowded racetrack but Cal could tell from the look in his eyes that he wanted to. “I’m never going to stop loving you either, Cal. But I’m sorry, love: I interrupted you. You were telling me about Eli.”

“No, you didn’t. We just got a bit sidetracked,” Cal said and smiled at him. “But what I was saying was if I’d spoken calmly to Eli when he’d asked me about the tickets, maybe he’d have calmed down too. He might have accepted our relationship a lot sooner.”

“It’s not your fault, though,” said James. “It’s not your fault Eli attacked you.”

Cal nodded in agreement. “I’m not saying it’s _all_ my fault. When Ian used to… you know… I always blamed myself but now I’m not sure it was my fault. Not completely.”

“It wasn’t your fault at all!” James said fiercely.

“And it’s not my fault Eli attacked me either,” Cal said. “But I am responsible for the things I said to him and a lot of the things I said to him weren’t any better than the things he was saying to me. So from now on I’m going to be more careful. Obviously I can’t do much because we’re going to Argentina but for as long as I’m here I’m going to do my best for Eli. So I’ll go in the taxi with him and if he gets upset over what Rob did again, I’ll calm him down. And I’ll make sure he doesn’t blurt out about Rob and Janine to Tina. Don’t worry, James. There are lots of things I can’t deal with at the moment but I can do this.”

**  
“That must be from James!” Cal said as his phone beeped. They’d just arrived at Tina’s house and in the absence of any alcohol (Tina said her mum must have drunk it all), they’d toasted her with lemonade. It wasn’t the same but Cal wasn't sure even champagne would have been the same after what Rob had done.

Annie smiled sentimentally. “Isn’t that the third time James has texted since we got here? You are lucky, Cal.”

“Yeah,” Tina said quietly. “You’re very lucky.”

Cal wanted to tell Tina she was lucky too because she had Eli but he couldn’t really say that in front of Eli. Even though he was sure that Tina loved Eli and always had, she might not have admitted it to herself yet and even if she had, she might be reluctant to get together with Eli until she was sure she’d got Rob out of her system.

Cal couldn’t help smiling as he saw the message was from James. He wasn’t sure why. He must have had thousands of texts from James. He wondered if he’d still feel the same way in fifty years’ time. He had a feeling he probably would.

_Cal my mum’s sold Blackout for £200,000. Wanted to tell you but don’t tell Tina. She’s had enough shocks. Not long to go now love x_

£100,000 for him and James?

Cal had to read it again to check he hadn't imagined it. He’d thought £100,000 altogether would be a bit much to hope for considering Blackout was unproven. He wondered if James might have mistyped the number but he doubted it. James was always so adorably careful about checking his spelling in his texts.

“Cal? Are you okay?” said Tina.

“Yes, I’m fine. I just need the loo.” Cal took himself off to the bathroom and phoned James. “How the fuck did your mum get that much money for Blackout?” he demanded without saying hello.

James laughed. “You know my mum. She can be terrifying when she wants to be. There were a couple of guys interested and they started having an unofficial auction. They both got so into it, I think they went higher than they meant to and took the bidding up to £125,000. But my mum wasn’t having any of it and talked one of them into paying £200,000. She got him to write a cheque on the spot before he changed his mind and now we’re taking it to the bank!”

“Fuck!” Cal said. “I always knew your mum was scary but I never thought… oh James, £100,000 just for us! Or maybe we could just take £80,000.” He already decided he wouldn’t be giving a penny of their share to Rob. Not after what James had told him about Rob and Elizabeth. “Okay, hurry up and get that paid in, then get your sexy arse to Tina’s! I have plans for you, James Warwick.”

“Have you told Tina?” James asked quietly.

“About what I’m going to do to you when you get home?” Cal laughed. “Are you sure you want me to?”

“No, I mean have you told her about Blackout.”

Cal sobered. “No. You said not to and I haven’t.”

“We will have to tell her.” James’ voice was serious. “And it’s going to hurt her. She’ll be lost without Blackout.”

Cal didn’t answer for a moment or two. He knew James was right. They’d also have to tell Tina that, as one of Blackout’s owners, he could have stopped the sale. But there wasn’t anything they could do about that now. “Maybe Tina could go with Blackout. It would get her away from Rob, and if Blackout’s new owner wants to get the best from her, he needs Tina.”

“We’d need to think how best to approach it,” said James. “But not now. It’s her moment and we have to let her enjoy it. Especially as it could have ended very differently. You’d better get back to the others, love. I’ll see you soon.”

“Okay. Bye, pisliskurjéya. I love you.” Cal returned to the others. Tina and Annie were sitting together talking. Tina was actually almost smiling. But Cal didn’t smile. He couldn’t. “Where’s Eli?” he asked, hoping that he was in the kitchen.

“He’s gone off to get some booze,” Tina said. “I said I wasn't in the mood but he said I'd done something amazing and I deserved a proper celebration.”

“Fuck!” Cal ran to the door and opened it but there was no sign of Eli. “When did he go?”

“Just after you went to the toilet,” Tina said, confused. “Is there something wrong?”

Annie put her hand over her mouth. “Oh fuck! You don’t think he’s gone off to… sorry, Cal. I didn’t think.”

“Obviously not!” said Cal.

Tina stared at them. “What are you talking about?”

Annie ignored her. “Do you think we should call Ruth?” she asked in a trembling voice.

“Ruth?” Tina said in disbelief. “Why the fuck would we call her? What’s wrong with you two?”

Cal sat beside Tina and took her hands in his. “Tina. We’re worried about Eli. He’s… me and James think he’s got problems. Some kind of mental health condition, maybe. Like our mum had. He has trouble controlling his emotions. That’s why he attacked me that day at the stables and we think he might have attacked Elizabeth too.”

“Why would he attack her?” said Tina.

“Eli really cares about both of us,” Cal explained, his voice gentle. “If anyone hurts us, it makes him angry. It was James he was angry with the day he attacked me but when I started telling him I loved James and I was going to Argentina with him, that kind of pushed him over the edge. He’s angry with Elizabeth because she reported him and I ended up in care and he doesn’t have a proper alibi for when she was attacked.”

Tina looked at the floor, nodding. “So you think he’s gone after someone else who’s hurt you?”

Cal shook his head. “No. Not this time. I think he’s gone after Rob for hurting you.”


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal asks James to help him find Eli but quickly realises he's made a mistake. Ruth chooses a less than suitable moment to ask Tina to come and see Cassie.

Jackie was in the queue at the bank when Cal phoned James back. He answered it but quickly realised this wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have within earshot of his mum. “Hold on a minute, love. I’m going to take this outside, Mum, okay?” Without waiting for an answer, he went outside. “Sorry about that, love. Tell me again from the beginning.”

“Eli’s gone!” said Cal. “When I was talking to you just now. He said he was going to buy booze and Annie just let him go! I went after him but I couldn’t find him.”

“Shit,” James said succinctly. “Are you okay?”

“How can I be okay when Eli could be about to ruin his whole life?” Cal said. “I can’t let him do that, James. I just can’t. You’ve got to help me.”

“Of course I’ll help you,” James said at once. “Would you like me to come home? I think my mum could be a while but I can get a taxi.”

“No, don’t come here: go back to the race track,” Cal said urgently. “Rob and Dominic are probably still there. I know they deserve whatever Eli wants to do to them but Eli doesn’t deserve what’s going to happen to him when he gets caught.”

James heard the emotion in Cal’s voice and wished he was with him right now. Eli had caused Cal so much stress and unhappiness but ultimately Cal loved him and wanted to protect him. “I’ll do my best, love. Don’t worry. I’ll leave straight away.” He knew where the taxi rank was: he started walking rapidly in that direction. His mum wouldn’t be happy but he’d just have to deal with it. Cal came first now. “Do you want me to tell them about Eli?”

“No, don’t tell them anything,” said Cal. “Eli’s got a problem and he needs to learn to deal with it and I’m sure he can but he doesn’t need the whole of Overton knowing. Especially not them.”

James started to ask what he was supposed to say to them but he stopped himself. He wasn’t stupid: he ought to be able to think of something. Cal had enough to worry about. “I’ll tell them I won big at the race. They’ll be falling over themselves to be my best friend. While they’re doing that, I’ll keep an eye out for Eli. If he shows up, I’ll try to speak to him calmly.”

“Thanks, James,” Cal said with a catch in his voice.

“It’s not a problem, love,” James said. “I’d better go: I’ll get to the taxi rank quicker if I run. Unless you wanted to talk some more?”

“No, I’m fine,” Cal said unconvincingly. “Annie’s trying to get through to Ruth: we don’t want Eli arrested or anything but it won’t hurt to have a fully-trained police officer there.”

“Okay, I’ll speak to you soon,” James said. “I love you, Cal. Don’t worry. I’ll do everything I can.”

“I love you too,” Cal replied.

They said goodbye and James raced down the road. The taxi was halfway to the racecourse when Cal rang again. “Hello love, I’m in the-” James began.

“James, don’t go to the racecourse!” Cal’s voice was shaking. “Come back to Overton. Come as quickly as you can.”

James spoke with a calmness he didn’t feel. “Hold on a minute, love. I’ll just tell the driver.” He let the driver know of his change of plan; then returned to Cal. “Okay. Can you tell me what’s happened?”

“Eli’s not going after Rob,” Cal said. “Ruth just phoned. She went outside to take Annie's call in case it was about me and when she went back, Ian wasn't there and there was a note on her desk. It said he'd had an anonymous call and he was meeting someone who had information about the attack on Elizabeth. The switchboard confirmed it was a guy and that he was calling from a phone box in Overton. They also said that he’d insisted on speaking to Ian but he’d refused to give his name. That was all they could tell me but it sounds bad, doesn’t it?”

James wasn’t so sure. “It might not have been Eli. He might have gone to the racecourse like you thought before.”

“No, I’ve been thinking, James. If Eli wanted to go after Rob and Dominic, why would he do that now?” said Cal. “Wouldn’t it be more sensible either to stay at the racetrack with them or see them later tonight in Overton after they’d got home? Why would he come all the way home and then go all the way back? He probably wouldn’t get there till after they’d left anyway.”

“You’ve got a point there,” James admitted. He had to admit that the thought of Rob in trouble did give him a slight pang: Rob hadn’t always been a good friend but they’d been friends for a very long time. But Cal needed him now so Rob would have to fend for himself. “What are you going to do?”

“We’re waiting for Ruth,” said Cal. “She said not to do anything without her. Tina wasn’t keen but Annie convinced her. Annie’s almost getting assertive!”

James smiled: he’d noticed that himself at times. She’d trouble dealing with the police but she no longer let her friends walk all over her. “Would you like me to phone Rob and Dominic to warn them just in case?”

“No, don’t bother,” Cal replied. “If anyone’s going to be watching out for trouble at the moment it’s probably them and I bet you anything they’ve got a Plan B and Plan C in case Tina said no.” His voice changed. “James, you will hurry, won’t you? I know I said I knew how to calm Eli down but obviously I don’t. I didn’t even know he was thinking about Ian. He must have been planning it all day and he took his chance when I was off phoning you.” Cal’s voice wobbled. “I’m so fucking stupid. Thinking I knew Eli back to front just because I’d managed to calm him down once. I never should have gone off and left him. It wasn’t even for anything important. I just wanted to celebrate having £100,000 to share with you.”

“Cal, you’re not stupid,” James said gently. “You made a mistake. That’s all. Everyone makes mistakes. You couldn’t have known what Eli would do. Just stay where you are and I’ll be with you soon.”

“Stay where I am?” Cal echoed. “No way. I’m going after Eli. I can’t let him do this.”

“But what if Ian’s there?”

“Then I’ll just have to deal with it,” Cal said shakily. “Please hurry, James.” 

“Of course I will,” James said softly. He turned to the driver. “If you can shave ten minutes off the journey, I’ll pay you double.”

The driver stepped on the accelerator.

**  
Cal had always thought of Overton as a small place but it seemed much bigger when you were looking for someone. He’d phoned Eli several times; Ruth, with Cal’s permission, had done the same for Ian. Neither of them were answering. Rob had tried to phone Tina but she hadn’t answered. She said she couldn’t think about Rob just now. She knew Rob could be in just as much danger as Eli but there was only one guy in her thoughts now – and it wasn’t the guy she’d been with since they were fourteen.

“You’re so fucking full of yourself,” Tina was saying bitterly as Ruth drove them towards the wood where she was attacked. “I know you’re both travellers but I know Eli. You’ve barely even spoken to him since you left. This house he’s got for him and Cal is important to him. That’s where he’ll be.”

“I think you’re the one who’s full of yourself!” Ruth said, yanking the wheel with unnecessary violence as she turned a corner, causing Annie to emit a squeak and beg Ruth to be careful. “If Eli gives Ian the address of the flat, all Ian needs to do is find out who lives there and he’ll have a pretty good idea of who wants to see him. Besides, if you want to lure someone off and then attack them, where would you do it? Would you bring them to your own house and then leave them lying injured on the floor where anyone might discover them? Or would you take them off into the middle of the deserted countryside where there’s nothing to link you to the attack?”

“You don’t even know he’s going to attack him anyway!” Tina retorted. 

“I know we don’t know for sure,” Ruth said. “But we know he’s capable of violence. You saw what he did to Cal, didn’t you? And to Dominic in the pub? And I’m almost sure he’s the one who put Elizabeth in hospital.”

Tina shook her head. “Eli wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. I’m sure he wouldn’t. He was just mad that Cal was going to leave him and Elizabeth had reported him. Anyone would be mad about that.” She was silent, her face a mask of agony. “But he did seem so out of control. I don’t know what he’d have done to Cal if me and Dominic hadn’t stopped him.” "Tina, I think we should try the wood first," Cal said. "I know the flat is important to Eli but it's important because of me. I don't think he'd let Ian know where I might be going to live." He hadn't told Tina the full story about Ian. He'd tried to but he couldn't so he'd just said Ian had arrested him and bullied him. To his relief Tina had been too busy trying to score points off Ruth to ask any further questions.

"Okay, we'll go to the wood if that's what you think, Cal," Tina said, reluctantly admitting defeat. She lowered her head, staring down at the smart shoes she’d changed into once she’d taken off her riding boots. Something caught her eye: she bent down and picked up something square and white from the floor. She turned it over. “Fuck.” She glared at it and shoved it at Cal as though it had hurt her.

Cal immediately recognised the person in the photo. He quickly took it from Tina and held it out to Ruth. “This was on the floor.”

Ruth’s attention was on the road so Annie took it. “Aw, what a cute picture. How old was she then?”

Cal spoke in a low voice to Tina. “Just ignore them, Tina. We need to think about Eli now.”

Ruth gave the photo a quick glance. “About eight months old. I was wondering where that had got to. I carry pictures of her with me all the time. I hate leaving her. I took new photos all the time. In the end I had a real collection.” Her voice softened. “You know, you should come over some time, Tina. She looks like him.”

“Okay, maybe we should, you know, change the subject?” Annie said quickly.

“She started it,” said Tina.

Annie shook her head. “No, I started it. It wasn’t Ruth’s fault.”

“It doesn’t matter who started it,” Cal said tensely. “But maybe we should finish it now. Please?”

“I’ll finish _her_ as soon as I get the chance,” Tina said harshly. “You really expect me to be your friend again after what you did?” 

“No, not expect,” Ruth said softly. “I just think… if you’d just come and see her…”

Tina raised her voice. “I don’t want to fucking see her! Why would I want a fucking visual reminder of how I was betrayed by two of the people who were supposed to care about me most!” Her next words were barely audible. “First you and Dad, then Rob… and fuck knows what Eli’s going to do.”


	38. Chapter Thirty-Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina hears more details of Ruth's relationship with her dad and Cal's 'relationship' with Ian. James and Cal are finally reunited.

“We never stopped caring about you,” Ruth said. “Neither of us did.”

“Don’t you fucking dare tell me it hurt you more than it hurt me!” said Tina. 

“No, I’m not saying that but I was young,” Ruth said. “He was an older man and-”

Cal knew how powerful older men could be. Even when you hated them it was impossible to say no. He put his hands to his head. “Do you have to do this now?”

“I don’t need to do it!” Tina cried. “It’s all her. Always her. Fucking me up. Fucking everyone up.”

“You think you own personal tragedy, Tina, but you don’t,” Ruth said angrily. 

Annie turned around in her seat. “No, Tina, you don’t. You’ve been through a shit time, a very shit time but you’re not the only one. Ruth’s been through a shit time. Eli’s been through a shit time. And Cal’s been through the kind of shit time we can’t even imagine. We need to stick together now; be there for Cal and Eli. Not fight.”

“How’s Cal been through a shit time?” Tina asked. “You said this Ian bullied you but I’m not really surprised considering the stuff you’ve always got up to. If a policeman catches a fourteen-year-old driving a car he’s not going to be fucking, what’s that word? He’s not going to be fucking uncular, is he?”

“ _Av_ uncular,” corrected Ruth. “And it’s a lot worse than that. If you thought you had it bad, Tina…”

Tina turned to face Cal. She looked suddenly frightened. “What happened, Cal? What did he do to you?”

Cal couldn’t look at her. “I don’t know if I can say it. I told Eli but I haven’t told anyone else. Everyone else heard from other people or worked it out.”

“Would you like me to say it for you?” Ruth said. “You can cover your ears if you like.”

“No, I’ll do it,” Cal said, his voice little more than a whisper. “I need to learn to talk about it. It’s so hard and it makes me feel sick and cold and dirty but if I don’t say anything he’ll do it to other boys.”

Tina was staring at him in horror. “Other boys? He did things to boys? Oh God, Cal, tell me you’re not saying what I think you’re saying.”

It wasn’t easy but Cal managed to get the words out. Tina stared at him through teary eyes as he told as much of the story as she could; then she caught him in her arms and hugged him fiercely. “This Ian fucking deserves whatever Eli’s going to do to him. He deserves to be fucking killed, never mind beaten up.”

“I agree he deserves it,” Ruth said. “But it’s not Eli’s place or any one person’s place to take it upon themselves to punish another person like that.”

Cal wiped away the tears he hadn’t been able to keep back. “And if Eli kills Ian or even just injures him, Eli is the one who’s going to suffer. It’s going to ruin his whole life. I can’t let him do that.”

“But we can’t let Ian get away with it,” Tina said. She looked at Cal. “You’ve got to tell someone. Seriously. You’ve got to report him.”

Cal didn’t say anything for a moment or two. “If I’d gone to the police when you told me, Ruth, this wouldn’t have happened, would it? Ian would have been caught by now. So Eli would be safe. It’s my fault.”

Tina hugged him. “Of course it’s not your fault, Cal.”

“No, it’s not your fault,” Ruth agreed. “Don’t blame yourself, Cal. Let’s just focus on finding Eli. Okay?”

For perhaps half a minute Ruth drove in silence. Then she spoke.

“Tina, maybe this isn’t the right time to say this but I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye to your dad properly. I’m sorry that I crossed you out.”

Tina sat quietly for a moment. Then she reached between the seats and patted Ruth’s leg.

In the mirror, Ruth smiled. “Really. A leg pat. That’s what you’re going with.”

She laughed. To Cal’s relief Tina laughed too.

“It’s all I can manage right now,” Tina said wearily. “Your arm might have been easier but I didn’t want to make you crash the car.” She smiled. “Do it to me if you like. If you can do it without crashing. It’s surprisingly satisfying.”

Ruth tried but she couldn’t reach. “Can I reserve a leg pat for when we get out of the car?”

“Sure,” Tina said and they smiled at each other. They looked slightly sad; slightly tired but they were smiling and Cal could see they meant it.

“Yay!” Annie said and clapped her hands. “I’m so glad you’re friends. Life’s too short.”

Tina gave Ruth an almost shy glance. “I’m pleased you’re here. And not just because you know how to arrest people.”

“I’m pleased too,” Ruth said.

“Maybe when this is over we could go for a drink or… something,” Tina said. 

Cal thought the offer sounded like an effort but being prepared to make the effort could go a long way.

“I would really, really love that,” Ruth said with sincerity.

Tina nodded. “The past is the past. Let’s just leave it there. It’s the future that matters.”

Cal felt his body tense but he didn’t know why.

Annie patted Ruth’s leg. “You’re right, Tin-Tin! It is satisfying!”

The three girls all laughed but Cal didn’t.

“No, you’re wrong,” he said.

“How do you know? You haven’t even tried it,” said Annie.

“No, I mean sometimes the past can’t stay in the past,” Cal said urgently. “I don’t mean you two but sometimes the past is with you all the time. Sometimes the future doesn’t matter because the past has already ruined everything. And that means the present doesn’t matter either.”

Tina hugged him. “I don’t mean the past should always be left in the past. I wasn’t talking about what happened to you.”

“Neither was I,” Cal said. His eyes met Ruth’s in the mirror. “Eli’s been stuck in the past since our mum died. He’s never been bothered about the future. Not his future anyway. He thinks he’s got no future. Only a past.”

“Cal, you’re brilliant!” Ruth held his gaze for a moment. “That must be where he’s gone. Back to the past.”

Cal nodded. “Back to where our mum was buried.”

“Buried?” Annie said, startled. “I thought she left.”

“No, she died,” Cal said. He didn’t like to talk about it: that was why Annie didn’t know. Tina knew because Cal had supported her through the loss of her dad and Ruth knew because she was from the same community. James knew too because Cal had told him almost everything. But no-one else knew. 

Tina held Cal’s hand. “Do you want me to say it?”

“I can do it.” Cal took a steadying breath. He’d always known his mum hated him so he hadn’t been able to love her as Eli had but that didn’t mean it wasn’t painful. “She did leave but then a week later they… they found her body. She’d killed herself.”

**  
James usually felt a sense of disappointment on arriving back in Overton. He wasn’t sure why: perhaps it was disappointment that he still lived there; disappointment that he still hadn’t found the courage to tell his mum he wanted to leave. But now all he felt was relief (well that and the complete and utter terror he knew he always would feel when Cal put himself in danger).

James phoned Cal. “I’m in Overton. Where are you?”

“You know the place where me and Eli scattered our mum’s ashes?” Cal said. “We’re on the way there.”

James knew where that was. Cal had taken him there once. He’d been subdued and quiet but clearly trying to tell James something. James had waited, holding Cal’s hand, and eventually Cal had confessed that he didn’t think his mum had loved him. James had hugged him and said he was sure she did but while Cal seemed grateful for the comfort, James could tell he didn’t believe him.

They to meet a short distance from the place where the ashes had been scattered. The arrival of two vehicles would be more likely to attract Eli’s attention. James promised to be there soon. “But I do have a slight problem. I promised the taxi driver double fare if he got me here quickly and I’m about twenty pounds short.”

“Hold on.” Cal’s voice was fainter after that but still audible. “Has anyone got a spare ten quid to help James pay for his taxi?”

“I’ve got a credit card.” That was Annie.

“I’ve got a fiver,” Tina offered.

“I’ll chip in with the other five,” Ruth said.

James heard Cal’s voice again. “Thanks, all of you. I really appreciate it.” His voice changed, increasing both in volume and affection. “No problem, James. We’ve managed to raise twenty quid between us.”

“Thanks, Cal. I love you,” said James. He knew Cal hated to ask for money for himself but when James needed the money he’d asked apparently without a second thought.

“I love you too,” Cal said softly. They carried on talking until they reached the place where they’d arranged to meet. Cal got out of the car and paid the taxi driver the £20, plus an extra £5 tip. “That’s for bringing him here so quickly. I can’t tell you what’s going on: it’s police business but you’ve really helped a lot.”

James and Cal walked towards the car, James’ arm firmly around Cal’s shoulders. “Are you okay, love?” James asked.

“I’m fine,” Cal said automatically. Then he added: “Actually I’m really scared and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this and I’m so glad you’re here but under the circumstances I think I’m doing really well.”

“Under the circumstances, you’re incredible,” James said and kissed him. “But I knew that already.”

“You’re incredible too.” They kissed again but then Cal remembered Eli and said they’d better get in the car.

“I hope you patted Tina’s leg!” Cal said to Ruth.

James had no idea what he was talking about but Ruth apparently did. She smiled. “Twice actually. Tina was right. It was satisfying.”

James waited until the car had started up; then he spoke quietly to Cal. “Since when are those two friends?”

Cal almost smiled. “Me and Annie sorted them out. They’re getting on really well now. I’m starting to think Annie’s the only straight person in the car after all that leg patting!”

James laughed but as they got closer to the place where Eli and Cal had scattered the ashes, the smiles disappeared from their faces and Cal nestled closer to him. He was trembling but his face was set and determined. James considered suggesting that Cal stayed in the car but he knew it would be a waste of breath. Cal was terrified but nothing would prevent him from going to his brother. “I’m here, Cal,” James said quietly.

“And I’ve never been so fucking glad of it,” Cal said.

“I can see them,” said Tina suddenly. “Shit, I can see them!”


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli is up on the hill with Ian as James, Cal, Ruth, Tina and Annie approach.

Up on the hill were two figures. One was walking around, gesturing madly and seemed to be shouting though James could only hear him faintly. The other seemed to be kneeling on the ground. As they watched, the standing figure aimed a kick at the kneeling one’s head.

“Keep going,” Cal said. “We can smash our way through the gate.”

“Er, this is my car, you know!” said Ruth.

Cal lost his temper. “I know it’s your fucking car but that’s my brother!”

“Shh, love. Calm down. I’m sure there’s another way to get up there,” James said gently.

“Yeah, we could always just… open the gate,” Annie said.

“That sounds sensible,” James said in some relief. Annie got out of the car and ran to open it.

“Hurry up!” Cal begged, even though he must have known Annie wouldn’t hear. 

“There: she’s got it,” Tina said. “Let’s go!”

Ruth started up the engine, stopping at the gate to pick up Annie. “I'll just drive halfway up. The last thing we want is for Eli to panic and to be honest, this car isn’t great at hills.” Once they'd got out of the car, Ruth instructed them to stay as close to the ground as possible: they were half-running, half-crawling as they made their way up the hill.

“What are we going to do?” James asked quietly.

“We talk to him,” Ruth said. “Cal, you’re probably the best person to do it. He’ll listen to you.”

James put his hand protectively on Cal’s shoulder. “You can’t expect him to do that.”

Cal swallowed. “It’s okay, James. I can do this.”

“He’s only fourteen,” James said. “And you know what Ian did to him.”

“No, James: I’m fine,” said Cal. “Ian’s not going to hurt me when Eli’s right there.” He squinted at the two figures. “Oh fuck! He’s got a gun!” Without being told, they all dropped to the ground.

Cal was shaking. James put his arm tightly around him. He wanted to reassure Cal but he knew there was nothing he could say. 

“Eli...” Tina’s voice was almost a moan of pain. 

“What are we going to do?” Annie asked in a panicked whisper.

Ruth was about to answer but then Eli began to speak.

“When our mum left, she wanted me to go with her but not him. She said she saw too much of my dad in him. She said she saw the night in him. I said that she was wrong but she wouldn’t listen. No-one would listen when I tried to get him out of various care homes. No-one would listen when I had to pick him up from the police stations. I loved him but she couldn’t see what there was to love but there was plenty. Plenty.” Eli’s voice cracked. “And then you… how could you do that to him? How could you do that to a kid; to any kid? Never mind a kid like Cal. There’s so much good in him. So much love in him. I had to set right those who damaged my brother: I had to. This beautiful boy. My beautiful baby brother.”

“Yeah,” Ian said. Even when there was a gun pointed at his head, he managed to insert a mocking note into his voice. “I thought he was beautiful too.”

“You fucking bastard!” Eli’s voice burst out of him and Ian flinched. Eli dropped to his knees and thrust his face close to Ian’s. “I could kill you right now. You know I could and no-one would ever know. But I’m going to give you the chance to save yourself. If you want to get out of here alive, there’s only one way you’re going to do it.”

“You’re bluffing,” Ian said. Now they were closer, James could see he was on his knees because his hands and feet were tied together. “You’re not going to kill me and we both know that.”

“Do you really want to take that chance?” Eli asked in a dangerous voice. “You wouldn’t be the first, you know. It was me who attacked Janine. She hurt Cal, you see. Not as badly as you hurt him but if I can put Janine into intensive care, just imagine what I could do to someone like you. I want to kill you slowly and painfully and watch you die. That’s what you deserve.” Eli took his phone out of his pocket. “But I’m giving you a chance to live. All you have to do is confess what you did to Cal and I’ll let you go.”

“And you’ll record me? But that’ll finish my career,” Ian said.

“Yes but if you don’t, I’ll finish your life,” Eli said. He placed the gun against Ian’s forehead. “Are you sure you’d prefer this? I know where to shoot you to give instantaneous death but I won’t be shooting you there. I want you to suffer like you made my brother suffer.”

Tina turned fearfully to Ruth, unquestioningly accepting her authority. “What are we going to do?”

“We can’t go and grab the gun,” Ruth said. “If we startle Eli, fuck knows what he’ll do. But I think Ian will choose the confession option. He’s a bit of a coward about pain. And if we’ve got his confession on tape…”

Cal turned to James with a look of hope. “If it’s on tape, does that mean they’ll believe me?”

James couldn’t help wondering if it would really be that simple. Anyone in Ian’s situation could be frightened into a confession whether they were guilty or not. 

“If the police see that tape, they’ll have to investigate it,” Ruth said. “Cal can also make a report – with our help – and I’ve still got the details of Ian’s arrest history.”

“I’m scared,” Cal said in a little voice. He was trembling even more violently now.

“I know, love.” James held Cal tightly in his arms. “But I’m here. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

Cal smiled shakily. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you either.”

“Aww,” Annie said with a soppy smile. Then she remembered Eli and the gun and immediately looked terrified again.

“Well?” Eli said as he poked the gun into Ian’s face.

Ian cried out in pain. “Okay! Okay! I’ll do it.”

Eli pressed a button on his phone. “Tell me what you did to my brother.”

“He consented,” Ian said.

A terrible rage filled Eli's face but his voice was calm and even. “He’s fourteen, Ian . He’s too young to consent.” He kept the gun trained on Ian.

“I… I… I made him have sex with me,” Ian said.

“How many times did you do it to him?”

“Once,” Ian said.

Eli moved the gun closer to him. “Are you sure it was only once?”

“I don’t know! I didn’t count.”

“It must have been a lot of times if you've lost count. Did your superior know about this?”

“No!”

Eli gave him a menacing look.

“Yes! I mean yes. He knew. He covered for me.”

“Was it just Cal or were there other boys?”

“Other boys,” Ian said. “Cal was nothing special.”

“That absolute…” James began but the others quickly shushed him.

“How many boys?” Eli rapped out. “Or have you conveniently lost count of that too?”

“It was over a number of years,” Ian said almost as though he thought that would make it all right.

“So you abused lots of young boys like my brother,” Eli said. 

“No. Not abused. They wanted it, Eli. They wanted me.”

Eli moved the gun closer. “I’d call it abuse. You hurt them. You forced them to do something they didn’t want; something you had no right to ask of them; something they were too young to consent to. That sounds like abuse to me. Did you ever tell Cal he wasn’t anything special?”

There was silence.

“Answer the question,” Eli shouted.

“Yes,” Ian said.

“Physical abuse and mental abuse,” Eli said. “That’s what you did. That’s what you did to my brother. And if you want to live beyond the next minute, you’re going to say that. Did you physically and mentally abuse my little brother Caleb Bray?”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes I physically and mentally abused your little brother Caleb Bray.”

Eli was silent for a moment; then he pressed a button and put his phone in his pocket.

“Are you going to let me go then?” Ian asked. “I did what you wanted. Now let me go!”

Eli lifted his voice to a scream. “Why the fuck should I let you go after what you did to my brother?”

“You promised. You promised if I confessed…”

“I didn’t promise,” Eli said. “Did I use the word promise? No, I didn’t. But even if I did, why should I keep any promises to a cunt like you? You hurt my little brother. You destroyed him. You crushed his spirit.”

“You could say I introduced him to his future career,” Ian said. His voice was almost mocking now.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Eli demanded.

Cal swore softly and cuddled closer to James.

“Oh, didn’t he tell you?” said Ian. “Your beautiful little brother was working as a prostitute.”

“You fucking, lying, cunt!” Eli stamped hard on Ian's leg, again and again 

“It’s true,” Ian choked out when he’d finished screaming.

Eli’s voice was harsh. “Well, if it’s true, I blame you for that as well! He wanted to get away from you so badly, he was desperate enough to do anything. You’d made him feel so worthless, he probably thought that was all he was good for.” He raised his voice. “You did that to my baby brother and you expect me not to kill you?” He kicked Ian and pushed the gun into his face.

One minute, Cal was holding onto James as though he would never let go. The next, he was running towards Eli.

James made a grab for him but it was too late. “Cal! Come back!”

“Eli, ash!” Cal cried, waving his arms. “Eli, ashun mánde. Musai te ashaves.”

“Cal?” Eli seemed confused. “How did you get here?”

Eli walked towards Cal. He was still holding the gun but it was pointed downwards. James had never felt so scared. He felt someone hugging him: he didn’t know who. Someone was saying: “Oh fuck, oh Cal, please do something, please get him back, oh fuck, I love you so much Cal, come back…” but he didn’t know who that was either.

“I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it,” said Cal. “And I love you for doing this for me, Eli. I really do. I always had trouble believing you loved me but now I know you do and I’m so lucky to have you. A brother who’d do anything for me; who’d risk his whole future to ensure the guy who hurt me gets punished.” His voice strengthened. “But I’m not going to let you ruin your life for me. If you really love someone, then you’ll do anything for them but there are times when, if that person really loves you back, they won’t let you. So I’m not going to let you, Eli. He might deserve it but you don’t deserve what’s going to happen to you if you kill him.”

Eli dropped his gaze. “My future doesn’t matter, Cal. Nai man avimásko.”

“It matters to me,” Cal said. “Because I want you to be part of my future, Eli. Mine and James’. But if you kill Ian, you’ll end up locked away like Dad. If you don’t kill him, we can live together in our house and look after each other and James can go to university like he always wanted… I’ll miss him so much but I want him to be happy just as much as I want you to be happy.”

“I don’t deserve to be happy,” Eli said. “I’m just a stupid, lazy shit who’s no good for anything. I can’t even protect my brother.”

“No, you did,” Cal said shakily. “You are protecting me. You always have.”

Eli's voice was flat. “No, Cal. I couldn’t save Mum and I couldn’t save you.”

Slowly, he moved the gun away from Ian and held it against his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eli, ash! = Eli, stop!
> 
> ashun mánde = listen to me
> 
> Musai te ashaves = you have to stop
> 
> Nai man avimásko = I don't matter


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all still reading and enjoying - I wish you could give kudos to every chapter because then I'd know there were still people reading this.
> 
> Katie, Guest, Cooper, GT and everyone else who's been reading - thank you.

“Na ker kadya!” Cal begged. 

From somewhere behind him, Tina echoed the words in English. Cal wanted to turn to her; tell her to stay back but he couldn’t take his eyes off Eli. 

“I hurt Janine,” Eli said. “I hurt you, Cal. I meant to hurt James but I hurt you. And now I’m hurting Ian and he deserves it but it’s going to hurt you too. Whatever I do, I hurt you! I’m an animal: a fucking animal!” He suddenly hit the gun into the side of his head. “That’s for Ian.” He hit himself again; blood streamed down the side of his face. “And that’s for Janine.” He held the gun to his temple again. “And this: this is for you, Cal.”

Cal caught Eli’s free hand. “No, Eli, you mustn’t. You mustn’t! You haven’t hurt me. Ian is the one who hurt me: not you.”

“He destroyed you and it was my fault, Cal,” Eli sobbed. “My fault.”

“He didn’t destroy me.” Cal was crying too. “I’m still here, aren’t I? But I want you to be still here too. I want to help you.”

“But I’m… nothing,” Eli said. “What have I done?”

“A lot,” Cal said through his tears. He kept hold of Eli’s hand. “I didn’t realise at the time but you must have worked so hard to get me out of that care home. You’ve probably saved my life, Eli. I wanted to die. That was all I wanted. But I didn’t die: I’m still here and that’s because of you. And I know if you put all your love and passion and determination into anything else the way you have with me, you could find something to make you happy. You’ve already got Tina: she’s just there and she loves you and all she wants is to be with you. You know how much Tina loves Blackout? She loves you more. You’re the one who was always there for her. You’re the one who wouldn’t let her throw her life away for that lowlife Rob.”

Eli shook his head. “But that was you, Cal. Not me. I was useless. You did everything.”

“No, not everything,” said Cal. “I couldn’t have done anything if you weren’t there. Ask James. Ask Annie. They’ll tell you what a mess I’ve been. I only found the strength to help Tina because you were right there beside me. You gave me the courage to know I was doing the right thing.” Cal held out his hand. “So give me the gun, Eli, okay? You don’t need it. All you need to do is come home with me.”

Eli started to obey but then he drew his hand back again. “I can’t give you the gun. I can’t give a gun to my baby brother.”

James held his breath, certain Cal wouldn’t like that but if so he didn’t show it. “Okay, if I call Ruth over will you let her take the gun? She’s a trained police officer so she’ll know what to do.”

“Of course I fucking don’t know what to do,” James heard Ruth mutter.

“Okay,” Eli said shakily.

Cal hugged him, though to James’ relief he was still careful of the gun. “Okay. Put it on the ground then. It’s okay, Eli. It’s going to be okay.”

“I don’t want him to get hold of it,” Eli said with a malevolent look over his shoulder at Ian.

“He won’t,” Cal said as he rubbed Eli’s back. “It’s okay. We’ll stay here till Ruth has picked it up."

Despite her earlier words, Ruth looked very calm as she walked over to Eli and Cal and picked up the gun. She examined it carefully, then she did something that made a clicking sound: James guessed it was the safety catch.

Eli and Cal stood up too. Cal was still slightly teary but he was supporting his brother as he looked around, apparently seeing the others for the first time. 

“Tina?” Eli said.

“Eli!” Tina ran over to him with James just behind her. Tina flung herself on Eli and hugged him tightly. “Oh Eli. Oh fuck. I thought….” Words failed Tina. She kissed him instead.

El stared at her. “What… why… you know what I’m capable of and…”

“You were protecting your little brother,” Tina said. “How can I not love you for that?”

James put his arms around Cal. “I always knew you were incredible, you know. Even before we got together. But today...” His voice trailed away. “I love you, Cal.”

“I couldn’t let Eli ruin his life.” Cal began to cry again. “Can we go, James? I need to go. I can’t deal with this anymore.” He looked fearfully over at Ian. “He’s just there and I just… I can’t… I want to look after Eli but I can’t.”

James hugged him. “Come on then. My lovely, brave, precious Cal.” He brushed Cal’s tears away and kept hold of him. Eli and Tina were clinging together desperately as though they never wanted to be parted.

Ruth came to join them. “Eli, I’m sorry: I know this is the last thing you need right now but we need to go to the police station. Not at Overton: we can’t trust them here. I’m afraid you will have to admit to what you did to Ian and there will be repercussions but we need to make sure Ian goes to jail and Cal gets all the support he needs.”

Cal pulled away from James’ embrace. “No, you can’t tell anyone, Ruth! I don’t want Eli to go to jail.”

Tina was still holding onto Eli. “He can’t go to jail. He was doing a good thing. He was protecting his brother. But we can’t tell the police what he did: they wouldn’t understand.”

Ruth sounded as upset as the rest of them. “We have to, Tina. If we don’t, Ian will. We need to get our report in first and it needs to go to someone we can trust. I have the phone number for the superintendent in the next town. I’ll phone now and tell them what’s happened.” She looked around. “Annie, I can see you’re upset but would you mind phoning for an ambulance for Ian? I can understand if you’d rather leave him here to rot but we have to do the right thing, no matter how many horribly, disgustingly wrong things he’s done.”

Annie nodded and got out her phone. James put his arms around Cal again and didn’t let go until the two phone calls had been made. “It’s okay, Cal. It’s going to be okay.”

Cal sniffed. “But will Eli be okay?”

“Eli’s got you,” James said as he stroked Cal’s hair. “It’s going to be tough for him but as long as he’s got you looking out for him, I know he’ll be okay.”

“Okay: we’d better go,” Ruth said. “The ambulance service will contact the police and we don’t want to be caught up in that. We’re expected at the police station in the next town. You go on ahead. I’m afraid I have to untie Ian and do what I can to make him more comfortable but you should all go and sit in the car.”

“No, I’ll help you,” Annie said. Everyone turned to her in surprise. She looked embarrassed but she didn’t give up. “You shouldn’t have to do that on your own, Ruth.”

Ruth looked like she might argue but then she nodded.

James kissed Cal’s hair. “Come on, love. We’ll go and sit in the car.”

Cal wiped his tears away and patted his brother’s arm gently. “Eli? We’re going now.”

Eli put his arm around Cal. Tina was on his other side: also tearful but not letting go. Together they walked down the hill towards Ruth’s car. Eli was talking to himself confusedly, making no sense at all. Cal told him everything would be okay.

There were only three seats in the back of the car but James pulled Cal onto his lap and put the seatbelt around both of them. James realised with some surprise that he was the only one of the four who hadn’t been crying. He was sure that was a first.

No, make that the only one out of the six, James realised as Annie and Ruth came to join them. Annie had her arm around Ruth and was clearly comforting her.

Tina didn’t let go of Eli but she opened the door. “Ruth, are you okay? Did he hurt you?”

“No. He was just my friend,” Ruth said as she came closer. “I liked him so much at first. I respected him. But it doesn’t matter. I’m fine to drive.”

Tina looked like she didn’t know what to say so she gave Ruth a leg-pat. It was probably the best thing she could have done: Ruth laughed unsteadily.

“Thanks. I needed that.” She patted Tina’s leg. “It’s going to be tough but we can handle it. You’re all much stronger than you think. We just need to stick together. Like… like…” 

“Glue,” James said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Na ker kadya = don't do that


	41. Chapter Forty-One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal, James, Eli, Ruth, Tina and Annie go to the police station in the next town to report Ian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original story ended with the last chapter but Katie asked me to continue it so here you are!

It might even have been the worst journey Cal had ever experienced – and he had a lot to choose from. The many journeys in Iain’s car, knowing what would happen when they arrived; journeys to care homes and police stations; the admittedly few journeys home from seeing his dad in prison as he tried to work out why neither of his parents had loved him.

This should perhaps have been a hopeful journey in some ways. He’d discovered that Eli loved him very much and finally it looked like Ian might be stopped but Cal knew that the difficult times were far from over. He was so afraid the video evidence wouldn’t be enough; that the police would complain that the ‘dirty, lying gypsy’ Eli had bullied Ian into a confession he should never have made. He was so afraid that Eli, his brother, would be locked away in prison while Ian was left to continue with his job and his crimes.

He could have been happy that Tina had kissed Eli and told him she loved him but Tina could be so impulsive. She might simply have lurched from the disaster of her relationship with Rob into Eli’s arms without considering the consequences. Cal didn’t doubt that she loved Eli but he couldn’t help worrying that Tina might think things over and decide she couldn’t be with a criminal. Of course Rob was a criminal too but even though Rob had asked her to destroy her life for him, a lot of people would say he was the better man.

The car was almost silent. At the start of the journey, Ruth had run through what the procedure was likely to be when they arrived at the police station but Cal hadn’t really taken it in; he doubted any of them had. Cal had tried to speak reassuringly to Eli but he didn’t think Eli had heard. Annie had launched into a bright, over-enthusiastic speech about how well they’d all done but she’d stopped when Tina had reminded her it wasn’t over yet.

Beside Cal, Eli began to sing a Romani song. One of Cal’s earliest memories was hearing Eli sing to him: he certainly didn’t remember being sung to by his parents. He remembered sitting on Eli’s lap and looking up at his much bigger brother and thinking how amazing he was and wondering if he would ever be as big and strong and clever as Eli.

That thought made him want to cry but then he decided he couldn’t possibly cry when Eli needed him. He blinked his tears away and gave Eli a hug. He didn’t tell Eli it was going to be okay because he honestly didn’t know if it ever would be but he hoped Eli knew Cal was there.

At first, Eli didn’t seem to notice Cal: he just sat there, rigid and frighteningly still. But then Cal felt him relax slightly and he gave Cal a hug in return.

“Zhavo mánge, Cal,” Eli said, his voice ragged.

“What for?” Cal said.

“For letting Ian do that to you.”

Cal hugged him even more tightly. “Eli, how did you let him? You didn’t even know. And when I finally did tell you, you tried to kill the guy. You’ve got nothing to feel guilty for.” Of course Eli had done plenty of things to piss Cal off in the last fourteen years and recently he’d seriously frightened him but none of that seemed to matter anymore.

“It wasn’t your fault, Eli,” Tina agreed. She sounded exhausted. Cal couldn’t blame her. He was exhausted too and he hadn’t won a horse race.

Eli didn’t answer. He just started to sing.

**  
The police station was bigger than the one in Overton and looked much smarter. Ruth went to the desk and introduced herself, showing her badge. A young policeman who looked even younger than Ruth took them into a room and offered them refreshment but he wouldn’t let them make the report to him. “I’m just a probationer and this is serious stuff. We have to wait for someone more senior.”

Cal felt it was probably a positive that Eli hadn’t been hauled away and locked up but perhaps that would happen in due course.

The probationer said his name was Aaron and seemed very friendly but Cal felt disinclined to talk and he could tell it was the same for all of them. As the professional, Ruth took it upon herself to respond to his small talk but things became awkward when Aaron asked Ruth about her mentor. “So what’s he like? Mine’s okay most of the time: treats me like a mate but if anyone senior comes along, he goes all strict and bossy. Then I rip the piss out of him when he’s gone.”

“It’s good you’ve got someone you get on with,” Ruth said colourlessly.

“So is yours a man or a woman?”

“A man,” Ruth said. 

Aaron gave her a knowing look. “I bet he enjoys looking after someone as pretty as you.”

Ruth’s lips tightened. “I’m hardly his type.”

“Don’t be modest! I’m sure you are. I bet you’re every guy’s type.” Aaron looked at Cal. “I bet you fancy Ruth, don’t you?”

Cal was feeling pretty depressed about everything but he did receive a small amount of pleasure from telling Aaron: “I’m gay. And so’s Ruth’s mentor.”

Aaron gasped. “Are you his boyfriend?”

Cal nearly gagged. “No. I’m James’ boyfriend. This is James. He doesn’t fancy Ruth either.”

Aaron turned to Eli. “Well, you must fancy Ruth, mustn’t you? The law of averages and all that?”

Cal realised to his surprise that he was wishing Rob was here. Then he and Aaron could have talked shit together and left the rest of them alone.

Eli gave Aaron exactly the response he deserved. He ignored him completely.

“He’s with me,” Tina said and put her arm around Eli’s shoulders.

“Oh right: fair enough,” Aaron said. He looked at Annie. “Are you Ruth’s girlfriend then? As the rest of you are all paired up?”

Annie shook her head and giggled. Cal knew that giggle: it meant she thought Aaron was good-looking. “No, we’re both straight.”

“But we’re not single,” Ruth said, much to Annie’s surprise. “My boyfriend is called Dominic. Annie’s is called… Rob. I’m sorry to be a nuisance but this matter is rather urgent as I said on the phone. Is there any way you can hurry up your superiors?”

“What did you say that for?” Annie said when the door had closed behind Aaron. “I don’t fancy him! He’s all yours.”

Ruth gave a grimace. “I don’t want him, thanks. I can’t believe he just walked off and left us: he’s not allowed to do that! Has he not heard of radios or even just phones? Fuck, and I thought the standard of policing in Overton was low.”

“Aaron’s hardly on the same level as child molesters,” James said sharply.

“No, of course not,” Ruth said meekly. “Having cowpats for brains is irritating but it probably isn’t a crime.”


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal and Ruth make their report to the police.

Aaron might have been irritating but on this occasion he was quite quick. He returned with a policeman who was probably getting on for retirement age and a female police officer who didn’t look much older than James. The policeman said his name was Inspector Ward and the policeman was P.C. Holland but she was quick to invite them to call her Becca. James was surprised by the feeling of revulsion he experienced when she invited them to use her first name but quickly realised it was because Ian had done exactly the same thing.

Calling Ruth by anything other than her first name would have been odd when they were friends but James really wanted the police to keep their distance and be professional: two duties in which Ian had singularly failed.

He held Cal’s hand more tightly in his own and Cal gave him a look of gratitude.

inspector Ward asked them all for their names and addresses while P.C. Holland typed them into her laptop. If she had access to Cal’s history of dealings with the police she gave no comment. 

“Now, P.C. Rosen has only given us an outline of the crime so now we’ll need to go into it in more detail,” Inspector Ward said. “Before I begin, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that this is a very serious crime but it’s also a crime that makes people feel very upset and emotional. We’re aware of that of course and it would be understandable if you’re carried away by your emotions when you’re telling us about it but even so, to make our jobs a bit easier, we do ask you to do your best to think carefully before you speak and ensure that everything you tell is the truth. With any crime of this nature it’s likely that you’ve formed suspicions of your own and that’s quite natural but it would be a big help to us if you could tell us what is fact and what is suspicion or conjecture on your part.”

“And we appreciate that it won’t be easy for you to talk about,” P.C. Holland added, “so please tell us if it’s getting too much for you. It’s okay if you need to have a break.”

Inspector Ward nodded. “First of all, P.C. Rosen, we need to determine whether you are reporting this in your capacity as a police officer or a member of the public.”

Ruth looked uncertain. “I would say as a member of the public, sir. At the time, I wasn’t in uniform and I was driving my own car. I made the decision not to report this earlier as I respected my friend’s wishes when he said he wasn’t ready for it to be reported. But some of my evidence comes from police records.”

“Thank you. With your permission, we’ll speak to you as a friend of Caleb and a witness. I think that would be the best course of action. Otherwise, there could be a question of why you didn’t follow police protocols – and I think that would be an unnecessary complication.”

“Yes, that’s fine,” Ruth said in some relief.

“Thank you, Miss Rosen.” Inspector Ward gave her a professional but not unfriendly smile. “Now, I’ll need to talk to you all one at a time, though as you’re under sixteen, Caleb, you’re entitled to request your brother’s presence when we interview you.” He looked rather doubtfully at Eli as he spoke: Eli was staring down at his hands and had just started to sway from side to side, as though to music no-one else could hear.

“I would like my brother to be there,” Cal said softly. He put his hand over one of Eli’s. “But…” He stopped and looked at James. He looked lost and afraid.

“Maybe I could,” James began but Ruth’s strong voice drowned out his hesitant one.

“Sir, because of both the nature of the crime and Eli Bray’s involvement in it, I would like to request that I am present at Caleb’s interview. It is a very complicated story which I’ll explain to you in detail in a moment but under the circumstances I don’t think Eli can be Caleb’s representative.” She gave James an apologetic look. “I wish it could be you, James but Cal and I grew up together and we’re almost like brother and sister. I don’t think Cal really thinks of you as a brother.”

“No, I don’t,” Cal admitted in a quiet voice.

Inspector Ward turned to Cal. “Caleb, are you happy for Miss Rosen to represent you?”

Cal nodded. “Yes, that’s fine. But I think Eli should come too. He needs me.”

“Thank you, Caleb.”

**  
Cal steered Eli along the corridors, uncomfortably and painfully aware that he seemed to have no idea where he was. In a way Cal thought this was for the best: he knew from TV that there was such a thing as diminished responsibility and Eli didn’t seem capable of being responsible for anything at the moment.

On the other hand it broke Cal’s heart to see his brother like this. They hadn’t got on that well for the last few years but Cal had still adored him for most of his life and he was starting to realise that the parts of Eli’s personality that had stopped Cal from adoring him were probably symptoms of the same condition that had made him attack Elizabeth, Ian and Cal himself.

Cal wished he hadn’t attacked him and Elizabeth but he could only ever love him for wanting to hurt Ian.

“Here we are!” P.C. Becca Holland said cheerfully as she opened the door of an interview room, not unlike the one where Cal had been interviewed by Ian. There were only four chairs, two on each side of the table, but Becca moved one of them and put it beside the two chairs nearest the door. “There: you sit in the middle, Cal, and then Eli and Ruth can sit on either side of you. I’ll go and get another chair for myself.”

Cal helped Eli into the chair nearest the wall. “There: sit there, Eli. It’s okay. I know it’s going to be difficult but I’m sure they’ll understand.” He took Eli’s hand and tried to smile at him. He wasn’t sure if he’d done the right thing, asking for Eli to come with them. He knew that talking about Ian might upset Eli as much as it was going to upset Cal but he wanted to be there when the police decided they needed to lock Eli away.

The thought of it made Cal’s eyes fill with tears but he blinked them away. He had to stay calm and explain everything as carefully as he could. He had to make them understand that Eli wasn’t bad. He’d wanted to protect Cal because he loved him but he wasn’t able to do it in the best way because he was ill.

He felt Ruth squeeze his shoulder. “Do you want me to do the talking?”

Cal turned to her in gratitude. “Would you really? Would that be okay?”

“We will need to ask you what happened, Caleb,” Inspector Ward interposed. “We’ll need to know from your point of view because you’re the only person here who can tell us that.” 

“But maybe I could start, sir?” Ruth asked. “I could tell you what I discovered and what Cal told me.”

Inspector Ward thought; then nodded. “I think that would be all right. Ah: here’s P.C. Holland with the extra chair.”

Ruth waited until she was seated; then she began. She described the way Ian had spoken about Cal and the strong impression, “though this is only conjecture, sir,” that they were acquainted. She recalled asking Ian if he knew Cal and receiving a negative answer and also the dramatic change in James’ attitude towards the policeman. “He really seemed to like and respect him at first but from that point he looked at him with hate and fear. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this, sir, but my impression that Ian had lied was so strong. It also seemed very likely that they were acquainted considering Cal had been in trouble with the police on a number of occasions.” She described how she’d looked at Ian’s files and discovered he had arrested him on four occasions. “So I asked myself why he might have lied and the first thing I thought of was that Ian was abusing Cal. So I looked at the names of the other boys he’d arrested. There were so many of them and yet so few were charged. And so many of them came from the foster home where Cal used to live. It seemed like it couldn’t be a coincidence. So I went to Cal and told him what I’d found out and asked him if Ian had abused him. Cal said yes, he had.”

Cal heard her words but he tried to push them as far from his consciousness as he could, concentrating instead on Eli, who had just started humming under his breath. “Shh, Eli,” he whispered and to his relief Eli did as he was told.

“And what did you do?” Inspector Ward asked Ruth. Beside him, Becca was writing notes.

“I wanted Cal to report it to Ian’s superior but Cal told me he was involved too,” Ruth said. “He didn’t know for certain but he said there were other boys in the care home before him who had tried to report it to Ian’s superior. So I was going to bring Cal over here the next day but he didn’t feel ready to report it. He’d never talked about it before. Even now, he’s only told Eli. Talking about it is very difficult for him.”

“Understandably so,” Inspector Ward said while Becca gave Cal what was probably supposed to be a sympathetic smile. Cal found himself wondering if that was how Ruth’s career would be to begin with: taking notes and being kind to children. He knew that would never satisfy her but perhaps it was a necessary step on the ladder.

“But there’s more,” Ruth said quickly.

Inspector Ward nodded. “I was coming to that,” he said without impatience. “I understand there’s been a confession from Ian in unusual and possibly dubious circumstances.”

Cal felt Eli’s body twitch. For some reason that upset him more than hearing Ruth explain what had happened. Eli: his big, strong, handsome brother. A sob rose in his throat but he swallowed hard and managed to give Eli’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

“The confession probably won’t guarantee a conviction,” Ruth said. “And it’s going to get someone into trouble but I think we need to show you. If we don’t report it someone else will.”

Cal heard Eli’s breathing change: it became faster and slightly harsh. Cal let go of his hand and put his arm around his shoulders instead. “Voliv tu, Eli. Zhanav ke zumavelas te les sáma mánde.”

Ruth gave the translation. “Cal says he loves Eli and he knows he was trying to protect him.”


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal, James, Tina and the police have to make a decision about Eli, while Ruth also had to make a choice.

They were very kind to Eli. Cal had seem quite a lot of people being arrested, as well as being arrested several times himself, but he’d never seen anyone arrested with such gentleness and understanding.

“We do understand, Eli,” Inspector Ward said. “You love your little brother very much and you were angry and upset that Sergeant Salter had treated him so terribly. That’s understandable and I’m sure anyone with a younger sibling would have felt as you do.”

“I’ve got a little brother,” Becca volunteered. “He’s only a year or two older than Cal. If someone hurt him in any way I’d want to kill them. But some things you just can’t do.”

“Exactly. No matter what your reasons, a crime is still a crime. But we’ll try to find you the best lawyer we can. Under the circumstances, I’m sure the usual sentence can be reduced.”

Eli wasn’t arguing. He’d been sitting with his head bowed but now he looked up at the inspector with a pleading look on his face. “I know I’m bad. I know I’m an animal. But you can’t put me in prison. I know I deserve it but Cal doesn’t. He can’t go back to another one of those homes.”

“I’ll go… somewhere better,” Cal said, meaning Argentina. “Na dara khánchi, Eli.”

Eli turned his head slowly so he was looking at Cal. “Worrying about you is the only decent thing I’ve ever done.”

“We’ll do our best for Caleb,” Inspector Ward promised. “He certainly won’t go back to the place he was in before. We will of course ensure that anyone who has harmed the children is no longer in a position to do so but the fact such a thing was possible shows there are great faults in the running of the home. Wherever Caleb goes, it will be somewhere safe.”

“But how do you know what’s safe?” Eli asked. “You thought the place he was in before was safe. But how do you know they aren’t all like that?”

“We understand your concerns, Eli. We really do and you’re quite right: we can’t assume that a home is safe simply because there have been no complaints.”

Ruth put her hand on Eli’s arm. “I’ll look after Cal for now, Eli. So will James. We’ll make sure he’s safe.” 

**  
The first sign of Cal’s return was the sound of footsteps. James hurried to open the door and saw Cal and Ruth coming towards him. Cal looked white and rather shaky. He was saying to Ruth that he was sure everything would be okay but the look on his face gave his words the lie. There was no sign of Eli.

He held out his arms. Cal looked like he didn’t have the energy for running but he certainly picked up his pace when he saw James. James enfolded him in a hug and felt Cal clinging to him.

“Where’s Eli?” Tina said, her voice harsh and loud. When she didn’t receive an immediate answer, her voice became louder still. “Where the fuck’s Eli?”

“I’m afraid Eli’s under arrest,” Ruth said.

Tina looked as though someone had just punched her. “What? But they can’t! He was trying to help Cal.”

Ruth took a step towards her but Annie got there first and put her arm around Tina. “Not everyone who’s arrested ends up in prison,” Annie reminded her. “The wrong people get arrested all the time.”

“Yeah but not all of them get let out again,” Tina said. “There’s only one person who should be locked up and that’s Ian. But Eli’s the one who’s getting treated like a fucking criminal.”

“They were very kind to him,” Cal said, his voice muffled by James’ shoulder. “They’re going to look after him; help him. They were okay.” He looked up at James. “It was weird.”

“Weird?” James said. He stroked Cal’s cheek.

“Yeah, they didn’t treat us like a bit of shit that had got stuck to their boots,” said Cal. He looked slightly embarrassed. “Though I was much politer than I usually am to the police so I don’t know if that made a difference too.”

“I think they’re both just genuinely nice people,” Ruth said. “They were nice to Eli, weren’t they? They looked past what he’d done and just saw the reason why.” She addressed the whole room. “We can trust them to do their best for Eli. They were talking about getting him a good lawyer and a reduced sentence.”

“A good lawyer? How much is that going to cost?” Tina said cynically. “They can recommend all the decent fucking lawyers they like and they’ve done they’re job. If Eli can’t afford them, it’s nothing to do with them.”

Cal’s eyes fastened on James’. In then was an almost haunting look of desperation; of yearning. Cal did quite often look at James yearningly but not like this. Not as though his soul was being torn in two.

And then James realised. He gave Cal a gentle kiss. “We can afford a good lawyer,” he said. “We’re coming into some money.”

“Your Argentina money?” Annie said.

Tina looked shocked. “But you said Rob could have that!”

“Would you rather we gave it to Rob than to Eli?” James asked.

Tina’s eyes dropped. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“Don’t forget what Rob did to you,” Annie said. “And don’t forget what Eli’s always done for you.”

“What, is this a conspiracy?” Tina demanded. “Is it a fucking conspiracy?”

Ruth moved closer to Tina. “It’s not a conspiracy. It’s the world being a bastard. Again.”

“Why is it always me who gets hurt?” wailed Tina. “Can someone tell me that?”

James gave Tina a slightly incredulous look, amazed that she could think she was the one who was suffering the most but he knew that if he said anything, he’d only be giving Tina something else to be upset about.

“You’re just really sensitive,” Annie said as she stroked Tina’s hair. “Your hair does feel nice, Tin-Tin. But yeah, you’re sensitive. When other people are upset, you feel it too.”

Tina shook her off. “What, like I don’t have enough reason to be upset on my own? My boyfriend asked me to throw a fucking race for him just to get out of a financial difficulty he’d only got into by breaking the law and-”

“Whoa.” Aaron held up his hands. “Hold up a minute, Tina. You threw a race?”

“No, I didn’t,” Tina said testily. “I was just asked to. I didn’t do it.”

“And Eli asked you to?”

“No, not Eli,” Tina said impatiently. “My ex, Rob.”

Aaron’s gaze flickered towards Annie. “Annie’s boyfriend Rob?” 

“No: Annie hasn’t got a boyfriend. Ruth just said that to make you behave yourself.” Tina returned to the subject in hand. “And after he does that, the guy I really like goes and tries to murder someone who completely deserves it but he’s the one who ends up locked up in a police cell. Don’t you think I have just a little bit of a reason to feel fucking upset?”

James tried to be charitable, though it was mainly a ruse to shut Tina up. “I suppose you are dealing with two different problems. It must be very difficult.”

“Ian should be locked up soon,” Ruth said. “They’re going to be speaking to him after they’ve finished speaking to us.”

Tina covered her face with her hands. “I wish this was over. I wish we could all go home.”

“We’ll be able to go home soon,” Annie said.

“You go if you like,” said Tina. “I’m not leaving Eli.”

“I’m not going home either,” Cal said as he cuddled close to James. “You can all go home if you like but I’m staying with Eli.”

Ruth turned to him in concern. “Cal… I don’t want to upset you but Eli could be here for a while.”

“Then so will I,” Cal said simply.

“And so will I,” said James.

**  
Annie and Ruth thought they should go home after their interviews but Cal, James and Tina were determined to stay so Ruth booked them all into a budget hotel. “I’m going to pretend to be dense and book a boys’ room and a girls’ room,” Ruth said. “I think that’s the best way to do it.”

Cal knew it was unlikely to be cheap but he didn’t see what other choice there was.

But when Ruth phoned her mum to let her know she wouldn’t be home that night, she was met with an angry diatribe. “I’m sorry but I have to go,” Ruth said when she got off the phone. “My mum says if she doesn’t come home, she’s leaving. She’s always threatening to leave and not doing it but she has gone off and left Cassie on her own once or twice. I can’t take the risk.”

“No, of course you can’t,” Cal said at once. “Cassie’s your family. She needs you.”

Ruth stood awkwardly for a moment or two. Then she gave Cal a hug. “But you need me too and I kind of feel like you’re my family too, Cal.”

“Don’t say things like that! You’ll make James cry!” Cal said to cover his own emotion as he hugged Ruth in return. “But yeah. I feel like you’re family too. But I’ll be okay. I’ve got James. You’ll stay in touch won’t you?”

“Of course I will,” Ruth promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Na dara khánchi = don't worry


	44. Chapter Forty-Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James gets a text and Tina makes a choice.

When the text came, they both assumed it was Ruth. They were lying on the bed, their arms around each other, though for once Cal hadn’t tried to take things further. He just lay in James’ arms, his forehead creased with worry; though every often he tried to stop James from worrying by giving him a brave smile that trembled around the edges more often than not.

James reached for his phone. When he saw who it was from, he closed his eyes briefly.

“What’s wrong? Who’s it from?” Cal said anxiously.

“No-one,” James said. He realised it was stupid as soon as he said it but for once, Cal didn’t give him the retort he deserved. “Sorry, Cal. It’s the passport guy. He says your passport is ready.”

Cal hadn’t cried since they’d found Eli but at James’ words, his eyes swam with tears and he looked away.

“What is it?” James asked and it was the second stupid thing he’d said in the last minutes. As if Cal didn’t already have several reasons to cry.

For a moment or two, he thought Cal might not answer. But then he blinked hard and looked James in the eye. “We’re not going to Argentina,” he said at last and to begin with his voice was strong but then it wobbled alarmingly and Cal hid his face in James’ shoulder for a moment as he regained control.

“Not now: no,” James agreed with a calmness he was a long away from feeling. How could he be calm when Cal was so unhappy? “But in the future…”

More tears formed in Cal’s eyes; he tried to blink them away. “We can’t go. We can never go. How can I leave Eli?” 

James kissed his cheek. “We can go when Eli’s feeling better.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” Cal said helplessly. “And what if the police decide there’s not enough evidence against Ian? What will I do?”

James kissed away the tears that had spilled onto his cheeks. “We’ll have help, Cal. We’ll try to find a lawyer for Eli in the morning. And if you think I’d let that wanker anywhere near you…”

Cal spoke through more tears. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“So am I,” James said fervently.

Cal sniffed. “James?”

James kissed him. “Yes, love?”

“Will you take your clothes off?”

James must have looked startled because Cal actually managed to smile.

“Not to do anything,” said Cal. “I just need to feel you holding me.”

“Can’t you feel me now?” James asked as he gathered Cal closer. 

“No. Well, yes.” Cal looked as though explaining or even just thinking was an effort. “But I can really just feel our clothes. I want to feel your body. Your skin. You.”

They sat up. James gently slid Cal’s coat from his shoulders. He slowly raised Cal’s arms above his head and removed his t-shirt. Both items of clothing ended up on the floor. James’ eyes travelled across Cal’s bare shoulders, which lifted slightly with Cal’s shallow breaths. James kissed across his chest and then sat back. “You’ll have to stand up if you want me to take the rest off.”

Cal stood up on the bed, for once towering over James. James knelt in front of him, undid his jeans and slid them down over his hips. Cal wasn’t hard but James knew he could change that in a moment if Cal wanted him to.

But he didn’t think Cal did want that. Not tonight.

James helped Cal out of his jeans and pants. His hands brushed Cal’s arse and thighs but he didn’t touch his cock which just hung there, tempting James and yet asking him not to touch it. Not tonight. Not this time.

Wordlessly, Cal reached for James’ hands. He helped him up so they were both standing on the bed and carefully undressed him. James realised he’d done this before. Probably to a lot of men. He felt himself tense slightly and at once Cal noticed the change in him: he looked questioningly up at James, only for the curiosity in his eyes to change to fear. “What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“No reason,” James said gently and kissed him. “I was just thinking about things that weren’t your fault. But I won’t think about that anymore.”

Cal’s hands shook slightly as he continued with his task. Once James was naked, Cal pulled back the covers and shivering, they both got into bed. Cal shrank away from him with something not unlike shyness but James put his arms around him. 

“I love you, Cal. That hasn’t changed and it won’t change. Not ever.”

**  
Cal woke up with James’ arms around him and realised they were naked. At first he smiled and cuddled closer but then he remembered the day before. He went into the bathroom so James wouldn’t hear him crying. He knew this wouldn’t be the worst thing he’d ever faced. Nothing could be as bad as what Ian did or thinking he’d lost James forever. But he simply had no idea what would happen and it frightened him. With Ian it was always horrible but at least, after that horrible first time, he’d always known what was going to happen. Even when he’d lost James, he’d had some sort of idea of what he would do, if he ever recovered enough to put his plans into operation.

But today, anything could happen.

Some time later – he had no idea how long – he heard a knock on the bathroom door and James’ voice asking if he was okay. Cal hurriedly mopped up his tears and washed his face but his eyelids were swollen and there was nothing he could do about that.

“Cal?” James knocked on the door again. He sounded anxious. 

Cal opened the door and put his arms around him, hiding his face in James’ shoulder. “I’m okay. I’m fine.” It was a lie of course but he did feel better in James’ arms than he had in the bathroom on his own.

“I love you, Cal,” said James. “I love you and I’m going to support you no matter what and I’m never going to leave you.”

“I love you too and I’m going to support you no matter what too and I’m never going to leave you too.” There was a catch in Cal’s voice but he managed not to cry. “What do you want to do about breakfast? To be honest I’d rather skip it but I probably shouldn’t.”

“I’ll go out and buy us something,” James said as he rubbed Cal’s back. “I’ll get something for Tina and Annie as well. Unless they want to go out. Tina might want some fresh air but when you work on a farm, you kind of get your fill of fresh air.”

Cal laughed shakily. “I usually quite like the fresh air but that’s okay. We probably wouldn’t get on so well if we agreed on everything. We wouldn’t be able to look after each other.” He looked at James and it no longer worried him that James would see he’d been crying. “That’s important isn’t it: being able to look after each other?”

“I think that’s one of the many things we do agree on,” James said. “And I’ve lost count of the number of times you’ve looked after me.” He gave Cal a kiss, only to be interrupted by a knock at the door. “Shall I answer that?”

“Not without your clothes!” said Cal. “Only I’m allowed to see that.”

“I hope we didn’t forget the Do Not Disturb sign,” James said.

There was another knock at the door. “Don’t tell me you’re still asleep!” Tina said.

Then they heard Annie’s voice. “Maybe they’re naked. We slept naked after all.”

Cal almost smiled. “Rob will be gutted he missed this. He’d really enjoy the fantasy but it’s completely wasted on us.”

“Hurry up and put some clothes on!” Tina said as she knocked again. 

“Why didn’t you text to ask if we were awake?” Cal shouted back as he hurriedly pulled his clothes on.

“No reception,” Annie replied.

Cal laughed as James fell over putting his pants on. “Need some help?”

“No… you let them in and I’ll get dressed in the bathroom,” James said.

“Why should I miss out on the fun? It’s not like I’m going to get much of it today,” Cal said. James relented and shouted to Tina they’d just be a minute. Cal helped James into his clothes; then they finally opened the door.

“What were you two up to then?” Annie asked as she looked around the room suspiciously, almost as though she expected to discover a sex toy or something. Cal shook his head. And to think people said he had a dirty mind. He was about to make a comment when he was enveloped in a hug by Tina.

“Cal, you’ve been crying,” Tina said.

Cal tried to shrug it off. “So have you.”

“I suppose we’ve got a lot of reason to at the moment,” Tina said. She sat down on the bed. “I love him, you know.”

Cal didn’t ask who she meant. “Are you sure? Not that I’m saying you’re lying but you were convinced you loved Rob yesterday and I don’t want Eli to get hurt, even it if is completely by accident.”

Tina looked briefly angry but then she nodded. “I’m sure. I think I always have loved Eli. But I thought he was too old for me and then Rob came along. He’s a knobhead; he always has been a knobhead but I really believed Rob would make me happier.”

“Maybe he would,” Cal said. “It’s not going to be easy, Tina. Supporting Eli. It’s going to be very tough. Are you sure you’re up to it? I’m not sure I am but I don’t get a choice. You do.”

“I think I’m up to it,” Tina said. “And I do know what you mean. You’re his brother. I’m not even his girlfriend: not really. But in a way I don’t feel like I’ve got a choice either. I love him and the choice has already been made for me.”

Cal relaxed slightly. “Yeah. That’s kind of how it is for me. A few days ago, I didn’t want to see him ever again. But now – now things have changed so much.”

Tina gave a humourless laugh. “It’s weird.”

“What is?”

“I won a horse race yesterday,” Tina said. “It’s the one thing I’ve wanted my whole life. Since before I knew Eli existed. But it seems like it happened a long time ago.”

Cal nodded. “Same for me. But once this is over; once we’ve got Eli out of this mess, you’ll be able to be happy about the race.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’ve been telling her,” Annie said as though she was relieved to find someone agreed with her.

Tina didn’t look convinced. “Do you think we will get Eli out of this?”

Cal wanted to tell her yes but he couldn’t. “Even if he’s locked up, he won’t stay there forever. But I don’t know what kind of state he’ll be in when he gets out.”


	45. Chapter Forty-Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruth hears some news; Tina tries to deal with her feelings about Cassie, and James shows his gentlemanly side.

“I suppose he'll stay there longer if Elizabeth dies,” Annie said.

Cal couldn’t speak. He wanted to tell Annie she was wrong but she wasn’t. She was so completely right and Cal hadn’t even realised. He’d spent so much time thinking about Eli and the possibilities but this was one thought that hadn’t entered his head. If Elizabeth died, Eli would be a murderer.

James actually glared at her. “Yeah, thanks, Annie. I was actually hoping Cal wouldn’t realise that.” He sat beside Cal, who was staring out in front of him as the room spun dizzily around him. “They’re not expecting her to die, love.”

“I know but…” Cal closed his eyes and rested his head on James’ shoulder. 

Annie looked distressed. “Oh shit. I thought you know. I’m sorry. I should go back to not talking so much. It was much better that way.”

“No, it’s fine,” said Cal, his eyes still closed. “I’m glad I heard it from you and not from the police.”

“But I am sorry,” Annie said. “I really am really, really sorry.”

“Yeah, I know you are,” Cal said. “It’s okay.”

He thought they were all relieved when Ruth phoned. She was phoning Cal’s phone but James was nearer to it. “Hi Ruth, it’s James. How are you?... we’re good, thanks… Thanks, that’s really nice of you. Yes, of c… actually no. Stay where you are and I’ll come down and help you carry everything.” He told the others that Ruth had brought them all clean clothes and breakfast. “But she had to bring Cassie too so I said I’d go down and help her.”

“My boyfriend’s such a gentleman,” Cal said. His voice was teasing but actually he found it sexy. And judging by look in his eyes, James knew.

“Does she have to come up here?” said Tina.

James looked at her uncertainly. “I thought you and Ruth were friends now. You were patting each other’s legs and everything.”

“No, not her,” Tina said. “But… you know, The kid. I can’t see her. I don’t want to see her.”

“She’s lovely,” Cal said. “And she looks a bit like…”

“No!” Tina held up her hand. “I don’t want to hear it, Cal.” Her voice broke. “Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to know that Ruth’s kid looks like my dad? Every time I see her, it’s going to be like a visual fucking reminder of what she and my dad did to my family. I know we said we should leave the past in the past but I’m just not ready for this, okay?”

“I was going to say she looks like you,” said Cal.

Tina turned on him. “Well, that makes all the fucking difference in the world, doesn’t it? I know you’re trying to help, Cal. I do know that. But you’ve got no fucking idea how it feels.”

“Maybe not completely,” Cal said. “But none of that is Cassie’s fault.”

“No. It’s not her fault,” Tina admitted. “But that doesn’t mean it’s not going to hurt. And Ruth’s going to be fucking shoving her in my face and trying to get me to say he looks like him…”

“I’ll ask her not to do that,” James said. “I’ll tell her you need time. I’ll tell her you’ve got enough to think about right now with Eli and Cal.”

“But why did she have to bring her?” Tina whined.

Cal tried to speak gently like James did. It was difficult when he was so stressed and upset and actually really quite devastated about Eli but he knew it wasn’t easy for Tina. She loved Eli too. “Ruth isn’t getting on too well with her mum. Her mum’s moved in with her to help with Cassie while Ruth’s at work but she really resents it when Ruth goes to work and leaves her alone with Cassie.”

Tina looked confused. “But that doesn’t make sense.”

James shrugged. “I know. A lot of things don’t make sense. But that’s the situation Ruth’s in: a very difficult one.” James got up. “I’d better go: I don’t want to keep Ruth waiting but I will tell her to go easy on you, Tina.” He kissed Cal; hugged Tina; then felt mean about leaving Annie out so he hugged her too. Finally he left, pausing in the doorway for one last look at Cal. And for a few wonderful moments Cal forgot everything except the way James was looking at him.

Tina brought him back to earth with a thump. “And if Cassie is my half-sister, does that mean Ruth’s my… my stepmum? I can’t get my fucking head round that.”

“Yeah, I find it a bit weird that Ruth is kind of my foster mum,” Cal admitted. “I know it’s not quite the same. But it’s weird. I grew up thinking she was going to be my sister-in-law. It’s weird how things turn out. But I’m sure Ruth’s not going to ask us to call her Mum.”

“I’ve just got this horrible feeling she’s going to come marching in through the doors and dump Cassie on my lap,” Tina said.

Cal shook his head. “She won’t do that. James will tell Ruth not to push it and I’ll look after Cassie as much as I can so you won’t have to worry. But Ruth doesn’t want to hurt you, Tin-Tin. She’s desperate for you and Cassie to get on. It’s like Cassie’s all there is that’s left of your dad and Ruth wants to share that with you.”

“Do you think so?” Tina said. “Do you think that’s why?”

Cal nodded. “Why else would she be desperate for you and Cassie to be friends?”

“To ease her guilty conscience,” Tina said grimly.

“Maybe there’s some truth in that,” Cal said. “But that’s not completely a bad thing. It means she knows she’s done something wrong and she regrets hurting you. She wouldn’t feel like that if she didn’t care about you. But don’t think about that now,” he said quickly as Tina started to look upset again. “You don’t have to have anything to do with Cassie till you’re ready. She can have a nice cuddle with Uncle Cal and we’ll leave you in peace.”

Annie giggled. “Uncle Cal? Should she really be calling you uncle when she’s your foster sister?”

“What did I tell you?” said Cal. “It’s complicated.”

“And if you and James have children, are they going to call you both Daddy?” said Annie.

“You could be all posh and call James Papa,” Tina suggested.

Cal made a face. “I’m really not sure about that. Though I suppose it would be okay if James likes it.”

“In Wales they say Da,” Annie said. “That’s nice. You could be Daddy and Da.”

“Yeah, except in Romani, Da means Mum,” Cal said. “So that might be difficult.”

“But maybe not if your kids don’t have a mum,” Annie pointed out. “Unless you have a surrogate mum and she gets involved. Oh my God! I’ve just had the best idea. Why don’t I be your surrogate mum?”

Cal was too stunned to say anything but Tina almost managed to laugh. “Your kids going to have serious fucking problems when she has to draw her family tree at school. Leave it, Annie. It’s a nice idea but I think James and Cal are a bit young for kids.”

“No, I’d love to have kids with James,” Cal said. “And you’d be a great surrogate mum. I can’t think of anything more perfect. But don’t say anything about it to James, okay? We haven’t talked about kids yet and I don’t know what he’d think.”

At that point, James reappeared with Ruth, Cassie and a number of bags. Cal leapt up from the bed and offered to give Cassie a cuddle. The others helped Ruth to unpack the food. Tina, who had very studiously avoided looking at Cassie, refused to eat anything at first on the grounds that she’d only make herself throw up later but Ruth and Annie insisted.

“You’ve got to eat, Tina,” Annie said. “It’ll make you feel worse if you don’t eat.”

“And you don’t need to make yourself sick,” said Ruth. “I know it helps you in the short-term but we’ve got to think long-term.”  
“How are you going to stop me: are you going to follow me into the fucking toilet?” Tina said belligerently.

“If I have to,” Ruth said. 

Tina looked unhappy. “But it makes me feel better, Ruth. It really does make me feel better. And it’s not like I can’t stop. I stopped for a long time.”

“It’s an addiction,” Ruth said gently. “And the trouble with addictive behaviours is that even though you might be able to stop in the beginning, eventually you get to the stage where you can’t stop.”

“Yeah, I know I will eventually,” Tina said. “But I’m not at that stage now. Once more shouldn’t make any difference.”

Cal kissed Cassie’s forehead and hoped she wouldn’t understand what they were talking about. He hadn’t been protected from the dark side of life as a child and he didn’t want life to be like that for Cassie.

“But that’s what it’ll be like,” Ruth said seriously. “It is a gradual thing but it’s so gradual, you don’t see the warning signs. Once more could be all it takes and then you’ll have even more problems than you do already. I care about you, Tina. I don’t want to see that happen to you.”

“Okay, I’ll try,” Tina said. “Just stop going on at me. Just because we’re mates now it doesn’t mean you can say whatever the fuck you like.”

“Er, why don’t we start eating now?” Annie broke in quickly. “I’m sure we’ll all feel better once we’ve got some food inside us.”

“I’d feel even better if I had something else inside me,” Cal said, leering at James. He still wasn’t really in the mood for sex but James always looked so cute when he blushed and Tina and Ruth stopped arguing so it was worth it.


	46. Chapter Forty-Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal receives some news about Ian.

“Okay, thanks for your help,” Ruth said into the phone. “I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

“Any luck?” James said but he already knew the answer from what he’d heard of Ruth’s side of the conversation.  
Ruth shook her head. “Nope: they won’t tell me anything. I’m not acting in my official capacity as a member of the police and I’m not on the case anyway; plus I’m acting as Cal’s legal guardian so they can’t – or won’t – tell me anything at all. They said they hoped to be in touch later today.” She went over to Cal. “Can I take Cassie? She’s due to have her breakfast about now and she’ll probably start screaming if she doesn’t get it.” She bent down. “Come on, darling! Come to Mummy and she’ll give you some nice breakfast.”

Cal gave Cassie up with some reluctance while Tina stared fixedly in the opposite direction. James couldn’t help feeling sad but he knew that even agreeing to be in the same room as Cassie was a big step for Tina. James and Cal watched as Ruth poured a small amount of cereal into a red plastic bowl and poured milk over it. At first, Cassie didn’t seem to be hungry and James could just tell that Cal was itching to go over and help but Ruth was very experienced in the matter of persuading her daughter to eat. After she’d fed Cassie a couple of mouthfuls, Cassie took the spoon herself. She managed to get most of it in her mouth too.

“When do you think they’ll phone back?” Cal asked, his mind returning to Eli.

“I don’t know,” Ruth said apologetically. “Getting back to relatives isn’t usually a priority. If they say they’ll get back to me today, they almost certainly will give me some sort of update today but it’s not likely to be for a few hours.”

Cal flopped backwards on the bed and glared at the ceiling. “Do they have no fucking idea how long a day can be when someone you love is going through shit and there’s nothing you can do?”

“We actually do understand in a lesser sense,” Ruth said. “Obviously there isn’t the same depth of emotion involved but it’s like we’re paid to help you; we ought to have the ability and the resources to help you but a lot of the time there’s nothing we can do except wait around for someone else to do their job. And all the time you’re waiting, someone’s suffering.”

“It doesn’t sound much fun when you say it like that,” Annie said.

Ruth smiled grimly. “Don’t fool yourself into thinking my job as glamorous, Annie. It is kind of special to be able to put things right and make things better for people but you don’t get to help anyone unless they’ve suffered first. And the suffering you see sometimes…” She looked towards Cal as she spoke. “I wouldn’t want to do anything else though. Well if I had the choice between working with Ian or quitting my job, I’d quit my job every time. But that’s not going to happen. They can’t let Ian get away with what he’s done.”

“Why did you decide to join the police?” James asked curiously. “From what Cal’s told me, it must be almost unheard of in traveller communities.”

“That’s part of the reason why,” Ruth said. “Growing up, I always saw prejudice, everywhere I went. I was always treated differently. I hated it when it happened to me and I hated seeing it happen to other people. I hated the way the police treated travellers and I decided I’d become a policeman the travellers could talk to; a policeman who wouldn’t categorise people as thieves and liars just because they live in a caravan.” She sighed. “But it didn’t work out. Women have specific roles in the Roma community and I went too far outside them. Instead of being the policeman who gives the Roma a voice, I’m the traitor who became a gorgia.”

Tina looked slightly guilty. “I always thought you joined the police so you could control people and make yourself look good.”   
Ruth gave a wry smile. “It was never about control but I always did want to do something good. Something really important. I wanted to believe I was important and that I could do good things for other people. I was a bad daughter, a bad best friend and a bad member of the traveller community. I wanted to have something about me that was good.”

Cal sat up, an odd look on his face. “I feel a bit like that too, Ruth. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything good.”

“You have! You’ve made me very happy,” James said.

Cal smiled and put his arm around him. “Have I? Then I have done a good thing because nothing is more important than that. But my parents hated me and I thought Eli did too till yesterday. Then the way Ian treated me… it just made me believe I was bad.”

“You’re not bad, Cal.” Tina hugged him. “You’ve always done good things. You helped me when I lost my dad. I don’t know what I’d have done without you. And then yesterday… if you hadn’t come and talked to me, I’d have thrown the race. Before you came in, I really believed I had no choice. And then you stopped Eli from ruining his life by killing Ian.”

“Eli helped with stopping you from throwing the race,” Cal said. “And his life might still be ruined. I just did a bit of damage limitation.”

“No. Things would be so much worse without you,” Tina said. “I know we’re not related, Cal, but that doesn’t matter. You’re my family. My little brother.”

“That makes Ruth your foster mum!” Annie said, delighted. Then she looked like she wished she’d kept quiet.

“My stepmum and my foster mum,” Tina said. “Fucking great.”

James saw Ruth’s eyes flash with anger but at that moment Ruth’s phone rang. Cal sat up slightly, a look of hope on his face. James put his arm around Cal, certain he was about to be disappointed.

“Hello?” Ruth said. A look of distaste crossed her face. “How did you get my number?”

Cal grabbed at James’ arm. “You don’t think it’s Ian?”

“I expect Ian has Ruth’s number already,” James said and Cal relaxed.

“Oh right. Oh, I see,” Ruth said with guarded enthusiasm. “That was nice of you, Aaron. Thanks. I appreciate it.”

The fear on Cal’s face faded and he began to smile. “Told you Aaron fancied Ruth!”

Ruth glared at Cal but then her expression lightened. “Oh, have they? That’s great news! Would you hold on for two seconds? Cal, Ian’s in custody. So’s his boss.”

She looked like she expected Cal to punch the air in celebration. Instead, he put his hand over his mouth and looked like he might cry. “That’s… brilliant,” he said, blinking hard. “But that doesn’t mean anything yet does it?”

“No. You’re right,” Ruth said. “But I can’t see him getting away with this.” She listened again and her face changed. “Fuck. You’re not serious.”

Cal gave James a sad smile and James hugged him more tightly.

“Yeah, I get that,” Ruth said. “But…” She brightened. “I see. Yeah, that’s a good point. Thank fuck he’s such a smug little prick, then… oh, okay. Thanks for ringing. Really. It was nice of you…” She made a face. “No. I don’t think so. I’ve actually just come out of a relationship and with everything that’s going on… yeah, speak soon. Thanks again.”

“What did he say?” Cal said tensely.

“Oh my God: did he ask you out?” Annie was on tenterhooks for a completely different reason.

“He did but I said no,” Ruth answered her briefly. “Cal, there’s bad news but also good news. The bad news is that Ian’s confession was a forced confession so they can’t pay too much attention to it.”

James felt Cal sagging against him and hugged him more tightly. “And the good news?”

“The good news is that Ian is a conceited little prick,” Ruth said. “Confessing to a man pointing a gun at your head doesn’t count for very much but it’s the spontaneous comments Ian made that have really got the police’s attention. The little digs at Cal. Ian’s playing the ‘I was scared: I would have said anything to save myself’ card but Aaron doesn’t think that will stand up in court once the video has been played and they’ve heard the way he spoke about Cal.”

Tina looked unconvinced. “Do you think Aaron knows what he’s talking about? He is just a probationer.”

Ruth laughed. “Hey, some of us probationers know what we’re doing! But I know what you mean. He didn’t exactly show off his intelligence yesterday but I’m sure his eavesdropping skills are exemplary.”

“Eavesdropping?” said James.

“He wanted to help,” Ruth said. “He thought we were probably going out of our minds with worry and he wanted to tell us what he’d ‘accidentally’ overheard. It wasn’t really allowed but I’m glad he did.”

“Me too,” James said and hugged Cal, but Cal didn’t respond.

“Ruth?” Cal said in a little voice. “Will I have to go to court?”

James felt him quivering with fear and held him closer. “I’ll be there, Cal. So will Ruth.”

“You won’t have to be in the court room,” Ruth said quickly. “You can give your evidence through a video link.”

“But I’ll have to talk about it?” Cal said. “Again?”

“I’m sure everyone will try to spare you as much as possible,” Ruth said. “But if you want to make sure no other boy ever suffers like you did, Cal – you probably will have to talk about it: yes.”


	47. Chapter Forty-Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James comforts Cal and Ruth makes an upsetting suggestion.

A day had never seemed so long. A few times, James thought Cal was about to break down but then he looked at James and seemed to draw strength from his presence. He stayed as close to Cal as he could; stayed in physical contact with him at almost every moment but at last the day came to an end.

“Tina, would you like to sleep here with us?” Cal offered. “There probably isn’t room for four of you in the other room.”

James squeezed his hand. He knew Cal would rather be alone with him but he was thinking of Tina and her continued aversion to Cassie. James knew better than anyone how short Cal could be with people at times but he also knew better than anyone that Cal had a kind heart.

Tina looked for a moment as though she might accept but then she shook her head. “Thanks, Cal. You don’t know how much I appreciate that but I think you and James need to be together.”

“We’ll still be together if you’re here,” James said, just so Tina knew she didn’t have to stay away for his sake, but Tina again declined.

“No. I couldn’t. I’ll be fine with… with the others.” She gave Ruth a half-smile. “It’s fine.”

Ruth gave her a grateful look. “I do appreciate it, Tina. I am going to ask for another room for me and Cassie but there might not be one available and the prices vary.”

“You don’t have to,” Tina said. “You’re right. I said we should leave the past in the past so that’s what I’m going to try to do. You’re my mate and you’ve got a little girl. I’m not saying me and her are going to be mates. I don’t think I could deal with holding her. Not yet. But that’s how I’m going to try to think about it.”

Ruth leaned over to pat Tina’s leg and they both giggled slightly as their eyes met. “Unfortunately for you, I’m your mate with a little girl who still screams the place down in the middle of the night sometimes. Especially in a strange place.”

**  
At last they were alone. James held out his arms to Cal. Cal went straight into them and pressed his face into James’ shoulder. “James,” he said, his voice breaking, “I know that wasn’t the worst day ever but it was so hard.”

James held him as he cried. “I know, love. I know. But it’s over now. All you need to do is sleep and then you’ll be ready to face tomorrow.” He kissed Cal’s hair. “And I know you will be ready, Cal, because you’re the strongest person I know.”

Cal sat up, tears glistening on his cheeks. “I didn’t mean that, James.”

James kissed his forehead. “What did you mean then, love? Sorry for getting it wrong.”

“Don’t be. If you’re looking for reasons for me to cry you’ve got a lot to choose from,” Cal said with a painful smile.

James kissed the trail of Cal’s tears. “I hope that one day you’ll have no reason to cry. But for now, you cry all you need to. Considering how many times I’ve cried since you’ve known me, I think you’ve still got quite a lot of catching up to do.”

Cal sniffed. “I was just thinking about Eli. He must have had a worse day than me.”

“You don’t know that,” James said. “It’s difficult being with people all day. Even when you’re all friends. Even when you’re used to being with people.”

“But it would have been worse if I was on my own,” Cal said. “And I bet Eli’s on his own. In a cell. No-one to talk to.”

James kissed his cheek. “Cal, love, you don’t know that. You don’t know what sort of a day Eli’s had. You don’t know how much or how little support he’s had but you know the general feeling at the station was that they sympathised with Eli. I know it must be impossible not to think about it but it’s out of your control, love. There’s nothing to gain from torturing yourself about it. You can’t change what happens when you’re not there but you should see him tomorrow. Could you maybe think about that instead?” He kissed Cal’s nose.

“I don’t know,” Cal said, sniffing. “I’ll try, James. For you. James, will you keep kissing me? All over?”

“Yes, of course.” James put his hands under Cal’s top and then lifted it carefully over his head. His lips traced a path across Cal’s neck: soft, careful kisses that he hoped would give some comfort. He moved on to Cal’s collarbone. “You know I love you, don’t you, Cal?”

Cal touched his hair. “Yes. I know,” he said, his voice still quivery. “I love you too.”

A tear rolled off the end of Cal’s chin and fell onto his chest. James kissed it away. “And no matter what happens, I’ll always be here. I’ll look after you. And Eli.”

“I’ll always be here too,” Cal said. “I’ll never leave you. I’ll never want to.”

James kissed across his chest. “I’ll never leave you either. Never.” He turned his attention to one of Cal’s arms, caressing and loving every inch of it. He breathed in the scent of Cal: of love; of security; of home. He opened his mouth as though he wanted to hug Cal’s arm with his lips.

“Even though I’m sad, I feel happy as well,” said Cal. “Because I’ve got you. Does that make sense?”

James kissed the sensitive skin of his wrist and felt Cal gasp slightly in response. “No. It makes no sense at all. I’m sure you can do much better than me. But I understand the feeling very well.”

Cal laughed shakily. “There isn’t anyone better than you and I’m going to believe you no matter how many times you say it’s not true.”

James turned Cal’s hand palm upwards and pressed it to his lips. He wasn’t sure if he’d done that before but he’d held Cal’s hands so many times and he felt their warmth and familiarity. Cal’s fingers caressed and then cupped his cheek. James let them lie there for a moment, revelling in the feel of them; then he lifted Cal’s hand and began to kiss his fingers tenderly. “You have no idea how beautiful you are.”

“I was actually going to say the same about you,” Cal whispered.

James brushed his lips over Cal’s knuckles and felt his throat contract. “No-one’s ever told me I’m beautiful before.”

“I’m telling you now,” Cal said. “And you’re the first person to tell me I’m beautiful apart from Eli. It’s weird. I didn’t think I’d like being told something like that. But I do. You could probably tell me I was anything and I’d like it.”

“I think you’re really… pretty,” James said.

Cal laughed, though his voice was still soft. “Maybe I’m not quite so keen on that. But that was different. When you told me I was beautiful you were just telling me what was in your thoughts and in your heart. But just now you were just trying to think of something I wouldn’t like.”

“Maybe,” James said as his mouth travelled up Cal’s arm again.

“Are you going to kiss my armpit?” Cal asked in a dreamy tone. “Because they probably don’t smell very nice.”

“I can’t imagine that,” James said and if they were smelly he gave no sign of it though his lips didn’t linger there for long. As he kissed across Cal’s chest, he realised Cal had stopped sniffing and his voice was steady. It had worked then. But James didn’t want to stop. He would kiss Cal all night if it was going to help.

“James…” Cal sounded like he was smiling. “Why do I feel so peaceful? Why aren’t I tearing your hair out with lust?”

James kissed along his shoulder. “Either you’re going off me or there’s more to our relationship than lust.”

“The second one,” Cal said sleepily but he was still smiling. “It could only ever be the second one.”

**  
The next day, Ruth tried to arrange for Cal to see Eli but she couldn’t do it. “He’s meeting his lawyer today though and they’ve also suggested that you go and see someone at the hospital.”

“The hospital?” Cal said blankly. “Why would I go there?”

James had a feeling he knew and when he met Ruth’s eyes he was even more sure he was right. His arm was around Cal already but he held him more tightly as they waited.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel ready; I did warn them you might not and they understand,” Ruth said. She was sitting on Cal’s other side and was speaking very gently and kindly. “You can go today or tomorrow or some time in the future or even never. But when someone suffers a sexual assault, it can really help if they agree to a physical examination and a few tests. You wouldn’t have to go on your own. I’m happy to go with you if you’d like me to or you can go with James.”

Cal didn’t say anything for a moment or two. He stared down at his hands. “There probably wouldn’t be any physical signs. Not now.”  
“Perhaps not – I don’t know enough about it,” Ruth said. “But it’s up to you, Cal. It’s completely up to you. I hope you will agree because I’d like to be sure you’re physically okay. But I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and what you’re feeling now. I can’t presume to tell you what to do.”

Cal turned his head towards James. His eyes looked large in his white face. “What do you think, James? Do you think I should go?”  
James kissed his forehead gently. “Cal, I also hope you’ll go because they might be able to help you and I’d like you to get all the help you can. The very best help that’s available. Because that’s what you deserve. But it’s entirely your decision and whatever you decide, I’m going to support you.”

“I suppose I should then,” Cal said. His eyes dropped momentarily but then he looked up at James again. “But I’m scared, James.” His voice shook. “I’m so scared and I don’t know if I can do it. What if I get there and then I can’t do what they want?”

James pulled Cal closer to him, guiding his head onto his shoulder. “Then we’ll leave. If you can’t, then you can’t and I’m not going to let anyone push you but I’m sure they wouldn’t do that. They work with people like you all the time. They’ll know how much courage and strength it takes just to be there at all. They’ll understand, Cal.”

Cal’s eyes were wet. “But it wasn’t just him forcing me. I… I did bad things too.”

“No, you didn’t,” James said gently. “You weren’t bad. You were just desperate and Ian’s the one who drove you to that. Never forget that, love.” 

“Cal, do you think you can tell me some more about this?” asked Ruth. “Or would you and James rather be on your own for a bit?”

Cal’s tears began to fall.

“I’ll leave you on your own,” Ruth said and patted his arm. “You’ve got enough to think about at the moment.”

“No.” Cal tried to stop crying. “You need to know. I want you to know. But I can’t. And you’re the police and I’m scared.”

Ruth’s face was still but James could see the sadness deep in her eyes. “I know you can’t help being afraid. I hope one day you’ll be able to trust me but I know trust takes time. I’ll leave you with James.”

“Thanks.” Cal sniffed. “I am grateful, you know.”

“I know,” Ruth said. She patted Cal’s arm again. “I’ll see you later.”

Cal gave her a sudden hug. “Thanks. For being here.”

“I’ll always be here,” Ruth said as she hugged him back.


	48. Chapter Forty-Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal and James discuss the next stage in their relationship.

Once Ruth had gone, James gave Cal a hug. He sensed Cal wanted to talk but he was prepared to wait until Cal had found the words. He kissed his hair and held him close. “I love you,” he whispered.

Cal slowly lifted his eyes to James’. His eyes were filled with shame. “I only did it because I needed the money, James. I didn’t think there was any other way.”

“I know, love,” James said. “I know.”

Cal sniffed. “Even when I found the contract, I wasn’t sure it would do any good. I wasn’t sure if you’d agree.”

James kissed him. “I know why you did it, Cal. You don’t have to explain. It’s okay. Well no. It’s not okay. I want to kill every one of those bastards who used and hurt the guy I love. But the only anger I feel is towards them.” He held Cal closer to him. “I’m just so sorry that you felt you had to, Cal. It must have been terrible.”

“It was,” Cal said with a catch in his voice. “It was… it was awful, James. More than awful.”

“I know it was, Cal.” James stroked his hair. “And I know things like that don’t always go away. I know it’s not going to go away just because you’ve got me and I love you. If you ever want to talk about it or if you just want me to hold you, you know I’ll always be here. And if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay too.”

Cal didn’t answer but his tears fell onto James’ shoulder and he held James more tightly. “I love you, James,” he whispered at last.

“I love you too.” James kissed his hair. “So much. So much, Cal. But there is something else we should talk about.”

The sound Cal made might have been a laugh. “Even when I can’t see your face I know when you’re embarrassed. But there’s no need.” Cal lifted his head. “You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about, James. There’s nothing you can’t say to me or ask me. I’m yours. I’m part of you. Now more than ever. I couldn’t have got through the last few days without you.”

“You’ll never have to get through another day without me,” James said. “But the thing I wanted to ask, Cal… it’s kind of related to what Ruth said. She didn’t say which part of the hospital she wanted you to visit but… I can guess.”

Cal wiped his eyes. “Yeah. So can I.”

“And I’m thinking about some of the things they might ask you,” James said awkwardly. “You don’t have to tell me, Cal. Tell me to fuck off if you like. But did you… what I mean is… with guys like that, I don’t suppose you had, you know, a choice. About things.”

He knew he wasn’t making any sense but Cal’s eyes met his with a mixture of understanding and pain. “I always made my clients use precautions, James. But Ian…”

In that moment, James could understand Eli’s actions completely. But he closed his eyes and willed himself to calm down. Fury was understandable but it would solve nothing. It wouldn’t help Cal. 

Cal cringed and shook his head. “I know I should go to the hospital, James. I know I have to. For you. To make myself safe for you. But I I don’t think I can do it.” He paused for a moment, trying to regain control. “I did go once. To a GUM clinic. Not in Overton. It’s near here. it’s probably the place Ruth wants me to go to.”

James wondered if it might be possible to take Cal to a different hospital. There was no reason why not.

But he said nothing now: he watched Cal and waited for him to continue.

“I went in there and I was so afraid,” Cal said. “I gave a false name and address and date of birth and I wrote down what happened on the form so I wouldn’t have to say it out loud. I sat in the waiting room holding a magazine to hide my face. I couldn’t read a word but I was so afraid I would see someone I knew. Then I was called in to see the doctor. Two of us were called together and I’d been waiting longer so I should have been seen first. And the doctor came out and he looked me up and down and said: ‘Are you James?’” Cal gave James a guilty look. “I’m sorry I used your name. It was the name that was in my head. I said I was James Fallon.”

“It’s okay,” James said and kissed him softly on the cheek. “It doesn’t matter.”

Cal’s eyes welled with tears. “And I said I was James and he gave me such a look of contempt and said he would see the other guy first. So they went into the room together and I waited and waited. After a while the other guy came out and so did the doctor but he ignored me. I went on sitting there and I felt like he’d forgotten me and I couldn’t blame him because I was nothing. I wasn’t worth remembering.”

James wiped away the tear that had slipped down Cal’s cheek. “I love you, Cal. I’m here.”

Cal regained control with an effort. “Then at last he called me in and I’d written it all down because I couldn’t say it but the doctor looked at it and laughed and sneered and then he made me say it. And I felt like I’d broken apart. No: not broken apart. Smashed into pieces.”

James hugged him closer. He was close to tears too now but he fought not to cry. Cal needed him.

“The doctor was talking about some sexual health expert I was supposed to see and he told me to go back and wait but I knew I wouldn’t stay,” Cal sobbed. “I couldn’t. As soon as I got out of that room I ran and I ran. Out of the clinic. Out of the hospital. I kept running and I was trying to shake off all the nastiness in me; leave it behind in the clinic but I couldn’t. It clung to me and I knew it would never go away.”

“There’s no nastiness in you, Cal!” James’ voice trembled. “You were never nasty, love. They were nasty. All the men who hurt you. You didn’t deserve the way that doctor treated you. You were so brave and I’m proud of you for going.”

“So I told myself it didn’t matter,” said Cal. “I told myself I hadn’t caught anything. I pushed it to the back of my mind. It was easy. There were so many other terrible things to hide it behind. And for a while I forgot about it: I really did forget. But now I’ve remembered and I hate myself because I kept asking you for sex even though I knew I could infect you. The only thing that protected you was you saying no. I love you so much, James. I love you more than anything. That should have protected you from me but it didn’t.” Cal was overwhelmed with sobs. “I’m just as bad as Ian. Worse.”

James shook his head and held Cal close to him. “No. You’re nothing like him, Cal. Nothing. All you ever did was love me. And I love you, Cal. I love you so much and this hasn’t changed anything. I understand if you don’t want to go back there. But if you do, Cal, I’ll be with you. I won’t leave you for one second and I won’t let the doctor even hint anything bad about you. It might not be the same doctor anyway. Do you remember the name of the doctor? Or do you think you’d recognise it if you heard it? We can ask before you go. If you decide to go. You don’t have to, love.”

“Of course I do!” sobbed Cal. “I’ve got to keep you safe. I’ve got to protect you. If I don’t go I can never be with you. Not properly. But I can’t, James. I can’t.”

“Cal, love, there’s so much more to our relationship than sex. I’m sure I could live without it. As long as I don’t have to live without you.”

“No. No, I’ve got to go,” Cal said. “But I’m scared. Not just because of what they’ll think of me. They’ll have to touch me. Touch me there.”

“I’ll be there every minute,” James said. “I’ll hold onto you, Cal. I’ll make sure you can see me and I won’t let them hurt you. If you need them to stop I’ll make sure they stop. But there’s no rush. You don’t have to go tomorrow or the next day or any other day. We’ll go when you’re ready. However long that takes.”


End file.
